They feel guilty so they want to hurt you more? What?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

As I mentioned in another thread, my BPD ex recently asked out my coworker. My ex left me, didn't want anything to do with me anymore, and did countless awful, awful things to me during the relationship.

I asked a friend, Why after hurting me so much and dumping me does my ex continue to want to hurt me? She texted, "He's not over you and feels guilty about how badly he treated you, so he wants to keep hurting you to make himself feel better." Other friends and family have also said that my ex continues to be hurtful to me in various ways in order to relieve his guilt.

I plan to call my friend tonight to ask for an explanation of her text, but does anyone understand this? He feels guilty so he want to hurt me MORE to make himself feel BETTER? How does one feel better by hurting someone more? How does that relieve his guilt?

[triangleheart]

As I mentioned in another thread, my BPD ex recently asked out my coworker. My ex left me, didn't want anything to do with me anymore, and did countless awful, awful things to me during the relationship.

I asked a friend, Why after hurting me so much and dumping me does my ex continue to want to hurt me? She texted, "He's not over you and feels guilty about how badly he treated you, so he wants to keep hurting you to make himself feel better." Other friends and family have also said that my ex continues to be hurtful to me in various ways in order to relieve his guilt.

I plan to call my friend tonight to ask for an explanation of her text, but does anyone understand this? He feels guilty so he want to hurt me MORE to make himself feel BETTER? How does one feel better by hurting someone more? How does that relieve his guilt?

[EdR]

I don't know. But I feel like it's the 'easier' way out. Easier for the mind so to speak. I never got an excuse or anything myself, whatever she did (though I wasn't romantically involved).

This may sound ridiculous, but let's compare it to a criminal. Maybe you're a criminal and have even murdered someone. At some point you're in doubt. You start feeling guilty.

You know you want to quit and turn yourself in, but that's hard. It takes a lot of courage and the 'life' you have will be further ruined. When thinking about this option, you actually realize that the easy way out is NOT turning yourself in, but continuing your criminal actions. Maybe even intensifying your actions to just completely override that feeling of guilt.

It makes somewhat sense from a psychological point of view.

[EdR]

Finalizing the criminal-analogy:

The only sad part is: you might feel 'better', but truth is: it's not even a way out (and others will continue to be hurt).

[patientandclear]

Two things.  One: if you have maintained NC or not conveyed to your ex that you were devastated, or not recently, it may bother him that you appear unconcerned.  Leaving traces of his passing in your path is a way to try to get you to care, to respond.

Second, in answer to your question -- they feel guilty so they hurt you more? -- just, yes. This is what devaluation is all about.  The sense that they have wronged you is intolerable.  They need a story where it is all OK.  They will become very attached to that story -- it is necessary.  This is why all the exes have these flaws (but for many pwBPD, they have a hard time keeping the story of the flaws straight, because it isn't fact-based, it's based on the need that the exes have the flaws. Until they are needed for recycling & then of course those vanish like smoke on the wind).

So whatever story he is telling himself about how leaving you was OK and what he did to you in the r/s is OK -- it goes along with how dating someone near you is OK, and whatever positive, "rescuer" characteristics he is endowing that woman with in his own mind to contrast her to you.  It just all feeds the story of how you were the problem, not him, and someone else will be the solution.

It doesn't hang together & it will ultimately not be a stable story, but it helps him right now.

[maxen]

it's like banging your head into a wall - it only hurts when you stop?

rather more seriously, if they stop and actually view the emotional devastation they caused, they won't be able to stand that either, because they will be faced by the results and hence the responsibility for their actions. better then to keep swinging. once this summer after my uBPDstbxw dropped her infidelity bomb, i cried in front of her, and she ran out of the room.

[triangleheart]

I guess I get the not wanting to look at the wrongs they've committed. My BPD ex has steadfastly and repeatedly, like a damn broken record, since the breakup told me what a good, kind, caring, compassionate, forgiving and loving person he is. It blows my mind, because he has a wake of angry/hurt/betrayed exes, friends and family members behind him from all of the horrible things he's done. The kind of disastrous past that very few people have. And yet he kept insisting, like a naughty four year old, that he's a good guy. I guess he IS a four year old, emotionally.

[peas]

I guess I get the not wanting to look at the wrongs they've committed. My BPD ex has steadfastly and repeatedly, like a damn broken record, since the breakup told me what a good, kind, caring, compassionate, forgiving and loving person he is. It blows my mind, because he has a wake of angry/hurt/betrayed exes, friends and family members behind him from all of the horrible things he's done. The kind of disastrous past that very few people have. And yet he kept insisting, like a naughty four year old, that he's a good guy. I guess he IS a four year old, emotionally.

Total delusion. My ex was the same way during the devaluation, right before he dumped me. He really thought he was some angel. I even have him on video talking to the camera about how much love he has for his friends and what a good person he is. I guess I wasn't his friend because he wasn't a good person to me.

[Accepting]

it's like banging your head into a wall - it only hurts when you stop?

rather more seriously, if they stop and actually view the emotional devastation they caused, they won't be able to stand that either, because they will be faced by the results and hence the responsibility for their actions. better then to keep swinging. once this summer after my uBPDstbxw dropped her infidelity bomb, i cried in front of her, and she ran out of the room.

My ex had a major issue with me crying. If I cried over his actions he said he couldn't handle it and it was the worst thing ever seeing me cry. I responded at the time that he should stop doing things to make me upset then. This part didn't seem to correlate for him.

The last time we saw each other we had an amazing few nights in his apartment and at the end he gave me a spiel about needing to be alone to find himself - just as I was leaving. To this I felt suddenly saddened and he said something like 'don't get upset, you've been so good til now' - so good? I'd been so good? I wasn't allowed to feel upset by having had one extreme backed up instantly by the promise of the forthcoming other extreme - that is, loving connection and affection followed by pushing away and silent treatment. This is why I deleted all contact for him upon finding his dating profile a week later. It's all a sickening act -  BPD or no. My brother always says to me, that whether it's borderline or not, why would I want to be around someone who treats me this way? It's so true. It's just hard reconciling the beautiful person/moments with the other person/behaviours. It's like two people in one.

[GreenMango]

Triangle

Mine told me he's done everything right.  I'm not even touching on that because the laundry list of wrong doing was very long.  If you aren't in the thick of bizarre stuff like this psychology can be fascinating.

Him continuing to hurt you sounds like a way to galvanize his position that his actions are justifiable and okay - its your fault.  If he admits wrong doing/inappropriateness or stops (which equals admitting wrong) then he's responsible for some pretty crappy conduct.  It means facing himself and being responsible.

I don't really think it has anything to do with feeling guilty about hurting you.   

If he has BPD - splitting all or nothing thinking affects how the person reacts.  If he does bad things them he's bad.  It's childlike really - don't admit to screwing up.  And they "react" impulsively.  There's not a lot of thought on how their behavior affects others.  Mostly those behaviors are a way to make their own negative feelings and issues subside - as bizarre and destructive as they are.

Getting steeped like tea in mental illness can be a thorny way out.  It's important to detach and see the facts of the disorder a little.  This is one way to start to see thru the fog. 

Another question that might help is to why ask why its important to know the innerworkings of his actions?  At the end of the day the bottom line is his behavior isnt healthy for you - you'll get to the point where that is all you really need to know.  It takes time tho.

Do you have a therapist to support you in addition to that strong groups of friends?

[peas]

Yeah, triangleheart, your friend is guessing why your ex is hurting you. Doesn't mean her assessment is correct.

I don't think it's a guilt thing, as some others on this thread also believe, I think it's just him being insensitive and selfish.

[numbr3]

Or he could just be vindictive.  They don't like it when we ignore them (NC) and move on.  Even though that may not be the case with us-it appears that way to them.  I think their guilt only lasts a bit and then they project onto us.

[Iwalk-Heruns]

Yeah, triangleheart, your friend is guessing why your ex is hurting you. Doesn't mean her assessment is correct.

I don't think it's a guilt thing, as some others on this thread also believe, I think it's just him being insensitive and selfish.

I completely second this! It is not guilt.

Our situations could be different however, the  more I learn about all this having been through recycles it is not guilt. With mine I believe he enjoys being cruel and does not want to give me closure so as to keep me hooked in case he needs me later. I have expressed that I was suffering and he could not care less. He is on to his next victim and cannot give me one more second. At least not until that explodes and he is without supply. Mine I am absolutely convinced hurt me deliberately.