The Personal Inventory board is tougher

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Blinding flash of the obvious: it's easy to stay on the Leaving board, there's a lot of 'juice' there, a lot of blame being spewed at those evil borderlines, a lot of feel-good in communal victimhood.  And then there's this board, where we need to get off it, move on, switch the focus to ourselves, ask the tough questions, dig deep, move beyond that relationship.  I'm not saying anything profound here, I realize, although right now, and it has been a lot longer than the relationship lasted since I ended it, hanging out on the Leaving board is a way to stay stuck.  I am growing, I've had a lot of new distinctions, I don't really want or need to think about her anymore, time to get off it.  Life feels entirely different, my priorities have changed, there's lots of work to do, but I don't mind because at least I have direction.  Focusing forward helps because focusing backwards unearths regret.  Take the lessons, move on.  Rambling, but I know I'm not the only one who is in this place.

Happy Sunday.  Go Cardinals.

[fromheeltoheal]

Blinding flash of the obvious: it's easy to stay on the Leaving board, there's a lot of 'juice' there, a lot of blame being spewed at those evil borderlines, a lot of feel-good in communal victimhood.  And then there's this board, where we need to get off it, move on, switch the focus to ourselves, ask the tough questions, dig deep, move beyond that relationship.  I'm not saying anything profound here, I realize, although right now, and it has been a lot longer than the relationship lasted since I ended it, hanging out on the Leaving board is a way to stay stuck.  I am growing, I've had a lot of new distinctions, I don't really want or need to think about her anymore, time to get off it.  Life feels entirely different, my priorities have changed, there's lots of work to do, but I don't mind because at least I have direction.  Focusing forward helps because focusing backwards unearths regret.  Take the lessons, move on.  Rambling, but I know I'm not the only one who is in this place.

Happy Sunday.  Go Cardinals.

[musicfan42]

Hi fromheeltoheal,

I totally agree with you here.

I actually think the leaving board is good provided that one doesn't get stuck in it... stuck in that blame. I was at that stage before-I researched everything I could find on BPD online. I got obsessed with it. I'd read psychological papers... watch youtube videos. But eventually I thought "I have to let this go". And that's where the taking personal inventory board came in handy for me.

I think the taking personal inventory board is underrated-that people are intimidated by it for some reason. I just want to say that there's nothing scary about it... that it's all about self-expression... just saying whatever you want. There's such a broad focus here-you can talk all about yourself, you can pick the topic, drive the discussion. It can seem overwhelming at first so just take it in baby steps... after all, Rome wasn't built in a day. It's about progress not perfection (that's actually a 12 step slogan but I love it... it definitely is applicable to the taking personal inventory section!)

[peas]

I don't think the personal inventory board is more intimidating to people healing from a BPD experience, I think the leaving board is just so much more dramatic and therefore interesting. The victim conversation has certain allure.

But I'm with you, I have reached a point where I'm done rehashing the lowlights of my r/s with a pwuBPD. Okay, so I was betrayed, blindsided and abused. Now what?

I have been taking personal inventory the past month, on my own and with the help of a therapist and friends and family. I don't have any answers, but I have identified that I need to majorly correct some things in my life.

Go Sox.

[ucmeicu2]

Blinding flash of the obvious: it's easy to stay on the Leaving board, there's a lot of 'juice' there, a lot of blame being spewed at those evil borderlines, a lot of feel-good in communal victimhood.  And then there's this board, where we need to get off it, move on, switch the focus to ourselves, ask the tough questions, dig deep, move beyond that relationship. 

ah, too funny... .  i see 3 of my favorite posters here in this thread. 

i had the same exact blinding flash yesterday... .and after banging my head against the wall today (ok, i mean that figuratively), decided L6 is where i really really need to be now.  L3 served it's purpose for me but i'm over it now.  (gosh i hope i don't have to eat those words later... .i know we can move in and out of the stages of recovery).

[fromheeltoheal]

I was at that stage before-I researched everything I could find on BPD online. I got obsessed with it. I'd read psychological papers... watch youtube videos. But eventually I thought "I have to let this go".

Me too, and trying to get my head around how a borderline is wired became fascinating to me, still is, nothing to do with her.

i had the same exact blinding flash yesterday... .and after banging my head against the wall today (ok, i mean that figuratively), decided L6 is where i really really need to be now.  L3 served it's purpose for me but i'm over it now.  (gosh i hope i don't have to eat those words later... .i know we can move in and out of the stages of recovery).

It's not linear, and that's OK.  And we can always go visit the Leaving board for some juice and share some wisdom with the newbies.

[peas]

ah, too funny... .  i see 3 of my favorite posters here in this thread. 

i had the same exact blinding flash yesterday... .and after banging my head against the wall today (ok, i mean that figuratively), decided L6 is where i really really need to be now.  L3 served it's purpose for me but i'm over it now.  (gosh i hope i don't have to eat those words later... .i know we can move in and out of the stages of recovery).

Thanks ucmeicu! And yes, L3 has its place, but it's personal inventory time. I'm feeling I'm getting more of a grip on things.

[fromheeltoheal]

Thanks ucmeicu! And yes, L3 has its place, but it's personal inventory time. I'm feeling I'm getting more of a grip on things.

Me too peas.  I could never fix my borderline, delusions to the contrary, but we can do a lot to grow ourselves.  I've been reading Brene Brown's books on vulnerability and shame, they've been enlightening and comforting, especially the parts about the masks we wear to protect that vulnerability and her solutions to them.

[maxen]

in defense of the L3 board, there is some personal inventory taken over there. but also: i've been here less than two weeks. i was an am and will be for a good while yet so radically violated by what my BPDw did to me. if (if) i get out of this hell i'm in, it will be because of therapy for me and what i've read on L3: to see what the patterns are, to get commiseration and support, to read that others have been victimized too, above all to come to be able to depersonalize, to some extent, what happened. i just don't know what state of mind i would be in if i hadn't found this site and that board.

[fromheeltoheal]

in defense of the L3 board, there is some personal inventory taken over there. but also: i've been here less than two weeks. i was an am and will be for a good while yet so radically violated by what my BPDw did to me. if (if) i get out of this hell i'm in, it will be because of therapy for me and what i've read on L3: to see what the patterns are, to get commiseration and support, to read that others have been victimized too, above all to come to be able to depersonalize, to some extent, what happened. i just don't know what state of mind i would be in if i hadn't found this site and that board.

Hi maxen, I'm sorry you were violated by your borderline wife; we know exactly what that feels like around here.  The validation, commiseration and support I got from the Leaving board were invaluable to me as well, and served as a solid form of strength as I detached.  Stay there as long as you need, and you might find that as you detach and get your feet on the ground, it will seem that your time thete has run its course, and it's time to move on.  It does get a lot better, and we look forward to helping you heal.  Take care of you.

[laelle]

I think coming out of these relationships we are lost and feeling very alone.  The L3 board gives us the validation that we need to say "ok, wait", "other people are going through the same, maybe it is not ALL my fault".

The personal inventory board is geared more towards... "ok, so it wasnt ALL my fault, time to figure out why I became involved with this, and my own behavior in this relationship"

I was offered a fantastic mirror, and I am making the best of it to see myself... .The splendor and the shame.

I was a great dumping ground for ex's issues because I truly felt it was my "duty" to allow him to do it. 

If you stand for nothing, you will fall for anything.

 Laelle

[fromheeltoheal]

I was offered a fantastic mirror, and I am making the best of it to see myself... .The splendor and the shame.

Yes!  That for me was the great gift of the relationship.  I knew I had work to do going into the relationship, and actually thought she could "save" me, my part in the loaded bond between us.  And the boundary busting, rudeness and lack of tact she used in bludgeoning me with her truth really, really hit home, guess that was how I was going to be saved, by blasting my denial.  It took a while to weed through what was mine and what was her's, but she was right in a lot of ways.  Time to use that.

[laelle]

Yes!  That for me was the great gift of the relationship.  I knew I had work to do going into the relationship, and actually thought she could "save" me, my part in the loaded bond between us.  And the boundary busting, rudeness and lack of tact she used in bludgeoning me with her truth really, really hit home, guess that was how I was going to be saved, by blasting my denial.  It took a while to weed through what was mine and what was her's, but she was right in a lot of ways.  Time to use that.



I can really relate to your feeling that she could save you.  I felt that he could change me into being a better me.  That something was wrong with me and that I wasnt good enough.  All of his boundary busting and honest (cruel) criticism was for my own good.  He even validated my feelings by telling me so.    Why did I think I needed to be someone better and why did I think that he could change me?

I am great just the way I am, and those issues about myself that I feel I might want to tackle, I can deal with them myself.  I think back to a comment I heard here once that said.

"We are all Co-dependent to a certain degree, the question is, why we chose to aim it at them."  We wanted to chase our own tails!  

[fromheeltoheal]

I can really relate to your feeling that she could save you.  I felt that he could change me into being a better me.  That something was wrong with me and that I wasnt good enough.  All of his boundary busting and honest (cruel) criticism was for my own good.  He even validated my feelings by telling me so.    Why did I think I needed to be someone better and why did I think that he could change me?

Everyone feels less than or not good enough on different levels and at different times, it's part of being human.  The key for me is learning to love myself, nothing to learn really, just do it, but turning to someone else to do it for us is the wrong way, and if you pick a borderline, get ready for some pain, as we can attest.  Although when we do start loving ourselves, which is no harder than just focusing on it, there's nothing wrong with having someone help us love ourselves, especially someone who is busy loving themselves.  I say we deserve that.

[peas]

In my healing I have realized that I wanted my ex to save me. When I started reading the boards here I saw much written about people needing to do the saving and I couldn't relate -- that wasn't me. I was the one who needed rescuing and I turned to my boyfriend for that. He was ready and willing too, but his uBPD and alcoholism and me leaving our city for a job stopped everything cold.

When I met my ex my life was in flux and to a degree it still is, but I had a good sense of self, good self esteem, positive outlook. Yet I was also lonely and didn't realize how badly I needed an anchor and to be partnered in love. He brought that to the surface and I wanted him to take care of me and I believed he would.

I am tired of being single and I just need someone to lean on and share my burdens as well as share my joys.

[fromheeltoheal]

I am tired of being single and I just need someone to lean on and share my burdens as well as share my joys.

Me too peas, I was ready for that when I got with my borderline ex, and it felt like I found it for a while, it was awesome in the beginning, but then the dark side showed up, and it wasn't all her either, my communication was not what it could have been.  I think if it was we wouldn't have gotten very far, it would have been over before it devolved into mutual dysfunction.

But right now I'm confused between leaning on someone emotionally, sharing burdens, trusting them with my heart, that, and looking to them to "save" me.  I think there's a line there and I think it boils down to intent.  If I go into a relationship as if something's missing and to get, not so healthy, but if I go into one feeling whole, looking to give, and looking to share what's going on with me emotionally to have a teammate and partner, healthy.  I see myself being the same either way, just a shift in focus.  Processing... .