New To The Boards, Hello.

[BlackOrWhite]

Hi everyone. I just left my BPD. ( I hope ) Been reading the boards for a while but have now decided to finally post because I want to try and move on. This has been this craziest relationship of my life. Such a whirlwind it seems unbelieveable most of the time. None of my friends really understand it either. I felt like I did my best in the relationship and she just wouldn't ever give back what I was giving. Now I understand that I may have alot of issues too for staying in something this crazy for so long. Like I think I may have some Narc traits and now maybe after all this some BPD myself now? I heard that can happen? I guess it takes two to tango. It just seems like a drug. One thing of the many things that is hard detaching or letting go of this is the sex. I still think about it all the time. Why is this happening? The sex wasn't very meaningful most of the time yet it was and so exciting and addicting. I guess I'm just lonely and I have never been this long without her before. It's only been a week but I hope I can stay NC but it's hard.

I do what to move on though and fix myself and heal to have a happy relationship.


But all of these things, how do you explain them? How do I move on? How can I not go back? Does this sex remembering happen for anyone else?

I guess I'm just so overwhelmed by it all and am looking for some answers and support. I have a hard time asking for it cause usually I feel like I'm helping everyone else.

Anyway, I'm proud for finally making a post instead of just being silent. Thanks for reading guys.

[Ironmanrises]

Hi everyone. I just left my BPD. ( I hope ) Been reading the boards for a while but have now decided to finally post because I want to try and move on. This has been this craziest relationship of my life. Such a whirlwind it seems unbelieveable most of the time. None of my friends really understand it either. I felt like I did my best in the relationship and she just wouldn't ever give back what I was giving. Now I understand that I may have alot of issues too for staying in something this crazy for so long. Like I think I may have some Narc traits and now maybe after all this some BPD myself now? I heard that can happen? I guess it takes two to tango. It just seems like a drug. One thing of the many things that is hard detaching or letting go of this is the sex. I still think about it all the time. Why is this happening? The sex wasn't very meaningful most of the time yet it was and so exciting and addicting. I guess I'm just lonely and I have never been this long without her before. It's only been a week but I hope I can stay NC but it's hard.

I do what to move on though and fix myself and heal to have a happy relationship.


But all of these things, how do you explain them? How do I move on? How can I not go back? Does this sex remembering happen for anyone else?

I guess I'm just so overwhelmed by it all and am looking for some answers and support. I have a hard time asking for it cause usually I feel like I'm helping everyone else.

Anyway, I'm proud for finally making a post instead of just being silent. Thanks for reading guys.

Blackorwhite... .

 

In bold.

You are in the right place.

You will find support here.

We know what you are going through.

Hang in there.

[Waifed]

Hi everyone. I just left my BPD. ( I hope ) Been reading the boards for a while but have now decided to finally post because I want to try and move on. This has been this craziest relationship of my life. Such a whirlwind it seems unbelieveable most of the time. None of my friends really understand it either. I felt like I did my best in the relationship and she just wouldn't ever give back what I was giving. Now I understand that I may have alot of issues too for staying in something this crazy for so long. Like I think I may have some Narc traits and now maybe after all this some BPD myself now? I heard that can happen? I guess it takes two to tango. It just seems like a drug. One thing of the many things that is hard detaching or letting go of this is the sex. I still think about it all the time. Why is this happening? The sex wasn't very meaningful most of the time yet it was and so exciting and addicting. I guess I'm just lonely and I have never been this long without her before. It's only been a week but I hope I can stay NC but it's hard.

I do what to move on though and fix myself and heal to have a happy relationship.


But all of these things, how do you explain them? How do I move on? How can I not go back? Does this sex remembering happen for anyone else?

I guess I'm just so overwhelmed by it all and am looking for some answers and support. I have a hard time asking for it cause usually I feel like I'm helping everyone else.

Anyway, I'm proud for finally making a post instead of just being silent. Thanks for reading guys.

You have done the right thing by joining this board if you want to move on.  The members on here are all familiar with most of what you have posted. I also felt like I was BPD when I first left. You have likely been reduced to crumbs after trying and trying to make a relationship work that was DOA the minute it started. It takes two people to make a relationship successful, not just one doing all the work while the other provides nothing emotionally in return. The sex is fantastic in many BPD relationships because they lack boundaries. Who doesn't dream of having porn star sex with someone they think they love. It is just to good to be true. After 2-1/2 months I rarely think about the euphoric sex. (This may trigger a dream though) . Hang tough and look ahead. I'm not gonna lie, it is probably going to take a long time but it very slowly gets better.

[winston72]

Hey BlackorWhite!  Congratulations on making your first post.  Taking the risk of sharing your story with others is a big step…and in a big, positive direction.  It really helps. 

Still thinking about your former lover?  The sex was/is intoxicating?  I don't think anyone here can relate to that!  Not…You are in good company here, BorW! 

May I suggest a couple of articles to you?  Since you have been on the boards for a while you might have already read them, but I will still list them here.  I must say that I have read them many, many, many times!  They are super helpful. 

How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves

Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder [NEW]

It is quite common for those exiting such a relationship to feel/think we have picked up various behavioral traits are attitudes of our former partner.  This might well be true, but it does not mean that we have a disorder.  I might also note from your post that your description of yourself is very common for people who end up in relationships like these, "I have a hard time asking for it cause usually I feel like I'm helping everyone else."  You might find that this is a primary focus of your learning on these boards.

How long was your relationship?  What is the state of the relationship now?

[ThanksForPlaying]

One thing of the many things that is hard detaching or letting go of this is the sex. I still think about it all the time. Why is this happening? The sex wasn't very meaningful most of the time yet it was and so exciting and addicting. I guess I'm just lonely and I have never been this long without her before. It's only been a week but I hope I can stay NC but it's hard.

She said to me one time when we were laying in bed "we have absolutely nothing in common but we have great sex."  She was right of course, and the sex was really the only thing that kept us together for way too long.

Glad you posted, there are people here who feel the same things you're feeling. 

[fiddlestix]

Welcome BlackorWhite!  Yes, I think about the sex with my diagnosed bipolar/BPD ex wife.  The sex was often good.  But just as often, she simply "mailed in" her portion.  Yes, as said above, she had no boundaries and was quite "adventurous" at times.  But other times once she was "pleasured" (I was a gentleman: ladies first ) she lost interest.  She had been with dozens of men and boys before me, and sex was no big deal to her (although a tool to get her way and feed her ego).  She grew up in a home where neither of her parents modeled fidelity; sex was just "a thing." 

She was my first regular sex partner, and only partner for over 25 years.  Thus I felt pretty special that she gave herself to me.  I miss feeling special that way.  You see, she is a very moody, cranky, person.  Having sex with her felt like a victory because she was so standoffish.  I always felt like she didn't really like me very much, that she was barely tolerating me. I realize that is sick on my part... .but I guess the adrenaline and endorphin rush I got when we did have sex was euphoric.  I felt accepted... .loved. 

And, she would sometimes withhold sex from me for weeks at a time.  For years we had sex only about every 5-6 weeks.  Her bipolar/borderline went through cycles of sexual dormancy and hyper sex. 

When she was in her most toxic acting out we had sex all the time.  Sadly, I did not realize I was "sharing" her with a few other dudes at the same time.  I suspected it, but denied it.  In her dark, reclusive times there was no sex. 

I have had sex with a couple women since we broke up.  These were kind sweet, women who care about me, whom I like.  The sex was pleasant, but lacked the fireworks.  I have stopped all that and am now abstinent until I heal.  I need to heal so I can receive love during sex and not the "high" of believing someone is doing me a "favor." 

Stick with us BlackandWhite.  Together, we will reach the other shore  

Fiddle

[rags_and_feathers]

Welcome, BlackorWhite!  Congratulations for deciding to come here -- I'm new too, and finding it really helpful.

I'd also like to hear more of your story and how you came to be here.

[BlackOrWhite]

Thanks you guys so much

[Knowingishalf]

You will find support here.  I know I have and I for one would be somewhere else entirely with out the grounding I found here.  you are going through something difficult and you will really find all the support you need here.  Beyond this we all doubt ourselves and sanity, that is one of the very common threads here.  Please keep posting it will do nothing but help you.