Looking for support

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi everyone,

My sister was diagnosed a few years ago w BPD.  It was no great shock, because I had always known there was something going on, and once I had read a description of the disease and I thought it fit her exactly.  It explained a lot of her erratic behavior.  Out of all my sibling, I am the most easy going and stable, and I had a pretty good relationship with her, while my other siblings and parents relationship with her was on and off.  (We are both in our 40s). In the last ten years she has been through a lot - a divorce, and some bad relationships.  Things have gone downhill and her behavior has been escalating.  I began withdrawing from her a few years ago because I became the subject of some of her abuse, and quite frankly I couldn't handle it emotionally.  We had a huge blow out three years ago and didnt speak for a year, and then reconciled.  she explained to me she was getting help... .in the midst of all this I have learned she has been hospitalized numerous times, and had a few suicide attempts.   The most recent attempt was a month ago, and I went to visit her everyday in the hospital - she was there for about 7 days.  I told her I would be there for her, and she could always call me.  I try to call her everyday and "check in."  I know she appreciates this and responds well.  My issue is that twice since she has been out of the hospital she has expressed that she wanted to kill herself.  I feel like I am her lifeline, and it is my responsibility to make sure she doesn't.  I am ok with this, to a certain extent, I feel a tremendous responsibility.  I am just here looking for some support and praying I don't screw up.

[Rockymb]

Hi everyone,

My sister was diagnosed a few years ago w BPD.  It was no great shock, because I had always known there was something going on, and once I had read a description of the disease and I thought it fit her exactly.  It explained a lot of her erratic behavior.  Out of all my sibling, I am the most easy going and stable, and I had a pretty good relationship with her, while my other siblings and parents relationship with her was on and off.  (We are both in our 40s). In the last ten years she has been through a lot - a divorce, and some bad relationships.  Things have gone downhill and her behavior has been escalating.  I began withdrawing from her a few years ago because I became the subject of some of her abuse, and quite frankly I couldn't handle it emotionally.  We had a huge blow out three years ago and didnt speak for a year, and then reconciled.  she explained to me she was getting help... .in the midst of all this I have learned she has been hospitalized numerous times, and had a few suicide attempts.   The most recent attempt was a month ago, and I went to visit her everyday in the hospital - she was there for about 7 days.  I told her I would be there for her, and she could always call me.  I try to call her everyday and "check in."  I know she appreciates this and responds well.  My issue is that twice since she has been out of the hospital she has expressed that she wanted to kill herself.  I feel like I am her lifeline, and it is my responsibility to make sure she doesn't.  I am ok with this, to a certain extent, I feel a tremendous responsibility.  I am just here looking for some support and praying I don't screw up.

[MangoMadness]

Hey! I'm so sorry, I know that burden well. And, I know you probably wouldn't want to hear this--but her life is NOT your responsibility. She has to accept and allow herself to heal, not sit back and lament. I know where she's coming from, I've been hospitalised for suicidal thoughts and attempts. But to me it sounds like she won't own up to her part in this, perhaps encouraging her to seek a therapist, or a better one if she has one already.

And you must let her know that you will always be there, and you love her, but that she also needs to contribute. You sound like an amazing sibling, very kind and generous, and I am in no way saying to walk away. But as long as she is seeking help, gently push her towards recovery. She probably doesn't know where or how to start, and it has you two tangled in a repeating loop of emotional drainage, feeling lost.

I do hope you, and your sister find peace and happiness. If you ever need to talk, send a message my way. 

[Rockymb]

Thank you for answering.  I feel like it takes her a tremendous amount of will to change (through dbt and therapy), and I can only guess it is exhausting.  I know she has told me she wanted to commit suicide, but an hour or two later has thought "what the hell is Wong with me! Why did I think that". I am terrified that in a moment of weakness, she might not be able to resist.  I know I'm not responsible, and trying to do the best I can.  It is an emotional roller coaster.

[P.F.Change]

  Hi, Rockymb!

You are not alone in dealing with a suicidal family member with BPD. It sounds very stressful for you. We have a thread on the subject called ":)ealing with Threats of Suicide and Suicide Attempts" that might be helpful to you: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=79032.0

The most recent attempt was a month ago, and I went to visit her everyday in the hospital - she was there for about 7 days.  I told her I would be there for her, and she could always call me.  I try to call her everyday and "check in."

I can tell you care about your sister and want to support her. Calling every day to check in and making yourself available for emotional dumping may actually not be in her best interest, believe it or not, and it seems to be adding to your own stress and anxiety as well. When she is suicidal, she needs to be checking in with her professional support team--the doctors and counselors who have been working with her on these issues--rather than using you to regulate her emotions. If she is talking to you, she is not talking to them. You aren't equipped to give her the kind of help she really needs. What have you been doing when she says she feels like killing herself? How does that make you feel?

You may be able to use a communication tool like S.E.T. (https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict) to help you state your feelings and needs.

Wishing you peace,

PF