The Tipping Point in a BPD r/s

[Lucky Jim]

Friends, 

I'm divorced from my BPDxW, but still trying to reconcile the role of commitment in the context of a BPD r/s.  Most will probably agree that, without commitment, any r/s is likely to suffer from hesitation and doubt.  Yet with commitment in a BPD r/s, you can find yourself in a strange place, committed to someone who is trashing you all the time because he/she has BPD. 

What I'm wrestling with is: when is the tipping point, and how do you recognize it?  Presumably the answer is different in every r/s.  I can only say that, for myself, I stayed way past the point where it was healthy for me, so I have to conclude that I went past the tipping point, at least in part, due to my own morals and values relating to commitment in a marriage, particularly with children in the picture.  Yet at some point my commitment was obviously misplaced.

I'm wondering if others have thoughts about the tipping point?

Lucky Jim

[fiddlestix]

Lucky Jim, I also stayed waaay past a reasonable tipping point.  My soon to be ex wife of 23 years started cheating on me 12 years ago.  The next 11 years have been puncuated with periods of dormancy/abstinance and horrendous emotioal abuse and more adultery.  I kept forgiving and hoping... .but she just kept getting worse. I am now out... .12 years too late.  Lots of repair work is needed to my self esteem... .

Fiddle

[fakename]

hey lucky jim... .

like fiddle, i stayed longer than i should... .and my self esteem and own sanity suffered a great deal because of that... .

i feel like there were many tipping points for me, but i just ignored them or was hopeful it was the last time badness would happen and that she would begin to treat me better... .

i dont know, if i could provide any guidance to anyone getting into this, its not about waiting for a severe tipping point, but rather recognizing when your boundaries have been crossed, recognizing why those boundaries are important to you, and then making a clear minded decision as to whether you find that acceptable to the point where you want to continue to try to make it work... .

not sure what approach is right or wrong, but i think that is the safest approach for me personally... .

[froggy]

Seems those of us in for the long haul stay way past what is reasonable. .I was ready to walk after the first year! Here I am 32 years later... stupid roller coaster just never stops.

Almost there... .the next blow up I'm done.

Things are pretty quiet right now... but that always makes me anxious. ... always a big blow up after its been quiet.

So there IS a breaking point.

[rags_and_feathers]

I reached an internal tipping point many, many times -- but I let it go on out of fear.  There was always the specter of suicide looming over us, and I knew that if I ever really tried to end it, she'd probably attempt to kill herself.  I finally hit a point where I couldn't stand another fight, another heartbreak, and where there was nothing good left to punctuate all the bad times... .so I took the chance and ended it.

She survived the suicide attempt -- she came home and gave me the chance to call 911. 

[Ironmanrises]

For me... .

In both rounds... .

The tipping point... .

Was the day of trigger.

I was able to witness it... .

In person... .

In round 2.

Once the trigger point... .

Is reached... .

And the other side... .

Starts to emerge.

The relationship... .

Is done right there.

For me... .

I saw my exUBPDgf... .

On the very day she was triggered... .

In round 2... .

Literally recoil... .

From me.

On all levels.

Physically... .

She backed up away from me.

Mentally... .

I saw her eyes... .

Just glaze over.

Emotionally... .

I felt the air in the room... .

Go cold.

Sounds like an exaggeration... .?

I wish it was.

But I felt all of that.

She vacated.

And that was when... .

The other side... .

Started to blossom... .

And come out... .

In all its perverse glory.

She never smiled at me again... .

After that day.

[DragoN]

What I'm wrestling with is: when is the tipping point, and how do you recognize it?  Presumably the answer is different in every r/s.  I can only say that, for myself, I stayed way past the point where it was healthy for me, so I have to conclude that I went past the tipping point, at least in part, due to my own morals and values relating to commitment in a marriage, particularly with children in the picture. Yet at some point my commitment was obviously misplaced.

Taking the long view a few years ago, and realizing it wasn't getting better, but worse. That he was controlling the rages was some small relief, but it did not make it possible to have and create a more loving relationship as it was only a matter of time till the next explosion. Too many nails in the coffin.

[Lucky Jim]

Thanks to all for your thoughtful responses to a tough question.

Fiddle: I hear you!  I was married 16 years (recently divorced) and like you I held out hope that things would get better if I kept chipping away at the issues, but sad to say things got worse as time went on.

fakename: I like your approach, as I just ignored the tipping points.

froggy: sorry to hear that you are still on the roller coaster and understand your struggle.

r&f: after many threats, the specter of suicide was there for me, too, which contributed to keeping me in beyond any reasonable tipping point.

iron: Unfortunately there were many triggers that I weathered, and know well the physical symptoms you describe, including what I call eyes like pinwheels . . .

H2O: Too many nails is a good way to put it!

Lucky Jim

[Turkish]

The tipping points for me came very early. In the first few months after we moved in together. I should have had the courage to leave then, rather than being manipulatively pulled back in. then talked into having a kid... .then two years later, another.

A friend of mine who also knows her, though he only sees us every few months, noticed a change in our dynamic. He had previously observed it to be more of a father/daughter relationship in a sense. But in the past year, he noticed that change and me being more assertive. The funny thing is that she was always telling me to stand up to her! So when I started doing that, in combination of the stress of having a second kid with two careers, as well as a few other things that might cause some stress in a normal relationship, it started crashing.

In May, she came to me telling me she was unhappy, and then unloaded a list of demands that I do to make her happy. I tried a few, but by then it was already too late. Over the summer, she was all but screaming for attention from me in a quiet way, which I misinterpreted as she wanting more freedom to relieve stress by going out more with her friends. Boy was I wrong on that one! With in a month or two she had discarded me and went into the arms of a man-boy (I'm 11 years older, she went to someone 9 years younger).

HER perception was that I had abandoned her "it felt just like my father!". She never took ownership of her emotional and verbal abuse of me, though she did after the fact admit to a lot of it. I did shut down in the face of an angry woman--- due to growing up with one. On my side, my tipping point was every day stress combined with her increasingly subtle demands to act like we were teenagers again rather than two adults raising two children. On her side, it was me, by shutting down, triggering her abandonment fears. In reality, She abandoned and cheated on me. Two things I was accused of pretty much the whole relationship. When I physically didn't abandon her, she twisted it to say that I emotionally abandoned her. There is an element of truth to that... .but her cheating was completely unjustifiable, especially since her father is a serial cheater (just did it again this past year!) and she has been severely damaged by that since childhood. Funny thing... .she asked me a few months ago "what is reality?" They really may not know!

All in all, the tipping point was being in an actual adult relationship. She flew into the arms of a kid, because that was safe and medicating. She will never have as mature one like ours, because she got herself fixed to never have kids with another man. Hereafter, she can medicate by cycling through "young adult" or DINK (dual income, no kids) relationships forever, because I will always do my job as the father of our children. At least she acknowledges I am good at that. She won't need to go searching for another like that (though I am mindful of the possibilities of her painting me black in the future... .I don't think so because she is high-functioning, but I will never say never).