Feeling broken - hyperawareness a problem

[Healing4Ever]

Hi,

I woke up this morning really grieving and questioning whether I'll ever *not* be hyperaware.  I'm 6 months post-breakup, and mainly NC with my uBPDex, which I'm happy about and doing well with.  However, I woke up recalling how I was so aware of his every movement in the house, and would often take his actions personally.  I was constantly waiting to feel joy as a result of him splitting me good again, and be on pins and needles for signs that he was splitting me black.  This would mean that as I woke up in bed and heard him in his office above, I would be aware and wonder what he was doing, listen for noises that he was done and would come to see me, or later in the day, I would hear him on the phone and find myself listening to get some glimpse of what mood he was in, whether he would be leaving and not letting me know - on and on it went.  SOoo dysfunctional.   I was recalling this as I got up because I was imagining waking up with a husband in my bed, and then it hit me - how nerve wracking it all was. How much more peaceful my life is without someone in the house with me.   

I would like to say this began with my BPD r/s, but having grown up with a BPD mother, it feels like a lifelong condition on my part.  I don't recall how much it happened with my first husband (who cheated and left after 14 years and never really said why) - but I do know that I had troubles trusting that he loved me (which in the end was justified - did I bring it on myself, or was I in tune with his struggles to be faithful?).  I sometimes feel this hyperawareness with friends, and I've been trying to pay better attention to when I do - it's more often in groups of people, or if I'm with someone who is continually distracted. 

I have never heard anyone talk about being like this, and I fear that I will never get over it and be able to function in a r/s again.  Someone posted about growing up in an abusive  house (I had a BPD mother/alcoholic father) is like being a POW - we're constantly fighting to stay alive in some way, and this has residual effects, and it really hit me how true this is for me.  My BPD mother blamed many things on me - things that I had nothing to do with often became my fault, such as her mood when I was at school, or how my friends acted, etc.  She also put a bad spin on regular life events - if a friend walks by the house, then my Mom would let me know that this friend is obviously mad at me because she didn't stop in to say hello.  If someone sees me but doesn't wave hello, they did this because they must know that my father is an alcoholic and therefore they don't want to be my friend.  These "interpretations" happened daily, and still happen when my mother talks about her own life.  I put boundaries in place years ago stopping her from interpreting my life - although she still tries from time to time.  She truly believes that the entire town she lives in gossips constantly about her- she's 81 years old and lives like a hermit - I'd say most people don't even know she exists, and certainly don't really care, as she's so busy thinking about herself she rarely, if ever, does one nice thing for people around her.  I could go on and on and on about the things she's said - perhaps I have already!   I have been conditioned to believe deep inside that pretty much any r/s trouble that comes along is my fault, and my defense was to be hyper-aware so as to catch it before it gets too bad so I can fix it.   

Has anyone felt this hyperawareness in their lives with regards to other people?  Has anyone gotten over it?  What has helped?

Thanks for reading,

H4E

[P.F.Change]

Hi, Healing4Ever.

Yes, I think I understand some of what you are going through. I grew up with a BPDm also. I get where this is coming from:

I have been conditioned to believe deep inside that pretty much any r/s trouble that comes along is my fault, and my defense was to be hyper-aware so as to catch it before it gets too bad so I can fix it.   

It is hard being held responsible for things that we have no control over. And an abusive environment does cause us to be as observant as possible in order to try to avoid further abuse. It sounds like you know at least intellectually that not everything is your fault and that you can't control other people's moods. Have you ever talked with a therapist about your symptoms? Therapies like CBT can help with strategies to replace false beliefs with truer ones. CBT did help me a lot when I was coping with depression and learning about BPD. But I went back to therapy because I was still having intense reactions to everyday environmental triggers (like the telephone ringing), and did EMDR treatment for PTSD. This helped me tremendously, as it was able to help me access and work through underlying emotions without intellectualizing them away. The ultimate goal is similar to CBT, but the delivery is a bit different.

We used to have a thread here about EMDR but I am having trouble finding the link. There is a also a good one on Toxic Shame that touches on some of these issues, too: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=117309.0

Wishing you peace,

PF

[Healing4Ever]

Hi PFC - I looked at the toxic shame link - it definitely rings true and I look forward to reading more later when I have some time to absorb it all.  I have looked at John Bradshaw's book in the past as well, and it rings very true for me.  I have tried at times to talk about these symptoms with therapists, but I have not yet been able to capture it in a way that they seem to understand, and they start talking about being anxious and whatever they suggest doesn't seem to ring true for me.  And then, most of the time, this hyperawareness is so ingrained in me I'm not aware of doing it, so I don't even think to talk about it.  This gives me the idea to go back to one therapist who was very validating for me though - he's expensive and far away, but I think it will be worth the travel. 

I worry that whatever it is that I'm doing/feeling - being hypersensitive, dealing with toxic shame - may just be BPD in myself.  I have heard others echo this concern - and at times I feel like I display the same tendencies as those with BPD (primarily what is outlined in my above post).  This deep sense of not being okay - of potentially causing the trainwreck of r/s behind me (1st husband affair/uBPDex - maybe more was me than I realize).  I am left feeling so hopeless - at age 40, I would have thought I would have figured out more of this by now and feel more emotionally stable than I do.  Unless I can figure out this hypersensitive part - I cannot imagine ever being able to be in a r/s and feel stable.  A pretty bleak picture for my future.

And then - I have thought/felt I was a pretty good parent, I know I've done well in my work, I love to play sports and enjoy that, I've succeeded at school.  But I guess these don't have to do with interpersonal r/s - and that's where I feel I am continually struggling in one way or another.  I feel pretty alone, and like no one understands me, because I'm never wanting to admit how empty I can feel sometimes. 

Thanks for reading if you've made it this far.  I guess I woke up to a pretty heavy realization today.  I'm feeling fairly desperate - if there are any further suggestions, or possibly similar experiences, I would love to hear them.

H4E

[musicfan42]

Hi Healing4 Ever,

I had the hyperawareness too so I understand how it feels. It made me feel anxious all the time-that I could never relax... that I never really trusted anyone. I still don't really trust people however I am learning how to relax Sometimes I still find myself waiting for someone to pull the rug out on me. When good things happen, I feel like something bad is going to happen afterwards. I try to stay in the present moment-focus on one day at a time-and that helps deal with those feelings of anxiety.

I had an alcoholic father too and I found Al-Anon very helpful... .there are meetings all around the world... it's a support group for anyone who has been affected by someone else's drinking. They have a website online so you can find out meetings in your local area there if it's something you want to pursue.

I learned that I only have control over my thoughts, feelings and actions-no one else's! People might try to blame me for things but that's just their opinion... it's not a fact. If I feel that I'm being blamed for something, then I look at the facts in the situation... .to see what really happened. There is an acronym used for emotional blackmail called FOG-Fear Obligation Guilt. Borderlines also use gaslighting and projection-trying to convince you that you're "crazy" and trying to blame you for things they did themselves.

Have you taken a look at the workshops section on the website here? There's some great stuff there on boundaries, how to assert yourself, taking care of yourself etc.

[Healing4Ever]

Thanks for the ideas!  It's helpful to be reminded of things to try when i feel stuck.  I have booked in a session with someone specializing in BPD, so I'm hoping for some insight as to what's happening with me and where to go with it. 

I tried EMDR in the past, and didn't notice any shifts - perhaps I should try it again with another therapist.  I have heard really great things about it as well.

I went to Al-Anon years ago, and had a hard time relating to the people in the group.  After a few sessions, I stopped going because it was so difficult for me to get there (3 children under 10), and while I was there that particular group all knew each other well and had very similar issues (their own addictions, crumbling relationships, lack of employment) and it just wasn't helping.  But, in principle, I would love to find an Al-Anon group that works for me.

The toxic shame links are great - I read through a bunch of it and was nodding my head constantly.  I am going to dig out my Bradshaw book as well and see if I get any more tips.

That's the thing - the confusion, uncertaintly, desperately wanting to feel better - it's exhausting, I'm constantly searching for answers on how to feel better, and *knowing* that I'm not the cause of people's behavior doesn't translate over so my body/emotions stop reacting.  In that way it feels like PTSD.  So something like EMDR would be a relief if it worked because all this mental processing is tiring and doesn't seem to help.  I keep praying and handing things over to God - that helps to reduce my stress as well.   I think that's why I chose "Healing4ever" - it does feel that way. 

The hyper-awareness is not a day-to-day problem anymore as the BPD r/s is over and I don't live with him, and I guess that I will know when I've healed enough because it will no longer be an issue for me.  I find that it starts up again as I get potentially interested in someone (maybe this is also partially normal?  Being aware of another person because you're interested in them?), and as I mentioned, sometimes with friends - so I'd love to instead just be relaxed, take them as they are, not be aware of their every move when I'm in the same room as them, and focus on me.  I certainly don't recall being this way to this extent with my husband - so perhaps I am feeling the compounding effects of being in a BPD r/s, after growing up with a BPD mother.

H4E

[Healing4Ever]

I just found the book "Surviving a Borderline Parent" on my bookshelf, and I think that it will be a big help. (amazing the amount of resources I have around here).  Saw it recommended on the toxic shame board.  Also just booked an EMDR appointment.  Thanks again

H4E

[Healing4Ever]

I had an EMDR session the other day - and it went really well!  The therapist used tapping on my knees (instead of the eye motions) and we adjusted the rhythm/pressure until we found the right combination.  I was finding it very distracting and having a hard time accessing any emotion until then.  But after that - bam!  I went through a series of memories and emotions, back and forth between by uBPDex r/s and from being little with my uBPD mom, and it was very therapeutic.  Soo much better than talking for me at this point, as I feel that I've talked it all to *death*.  But, as we neared the end, I had the best experience - we revisited the original memory I had as a small child, and it had changed - there was a bright light (Got) present with me as I was experiencing the trauma.  Wow.  I'm just bathing now in the aftereffects of feeling like something shifted the other day.

H4E

[P.F.Change]

It sounds like you are taking some great steps to look after yourself!  I am glad your EMDR session was helpful and hope it continues to be. I haven't read the Bradshaw book you mentioned, but I found Surviving a Borderline Parent very useful. Thanks for checking in and letting us know how things are going!

PF