Boundary Question

[Shalaidah]

Hi all,

I recently set up some much needed boundaries with my uBPD mother and she's been running through them on a regular basis.  One of my boundaries is that she is not allowed to say disparaging things about my husband (one of her favorite things to do) or I will cut off contact until she apologizes.  She recently violated this boundary and has yet to apologize.  However she did send me a "thinking of you" card which I think was her way of reaching out and trying to get back in my good graces without actually apologizing.  Do I respond, say thank you for the card while still demanding an apology, or do I continue to maintain no contact until I get a real apology?  I want to treat her like an adult and do the former but I feel like I might need to treat her like a child and do the latter and hold firm with my boundary.  Any thoughts?

[GeekyGirl]

Remember that boundaries are in place to protect you, and not to necessarily change your mother's behavior.

Have you tried telling your mother, "When you say dispariging things about DH, it makes me angry," or something similar? What do you think is behind her comments--is she picking on certain things, or making general statements?

While I certainly understand why you're angry, holding out for an apology that may never come isn't going to make your mother stop criticizing your husband in the long term.

[Shalaidah]

You're so right, Geeky Girl. I ended up sending her an email telling her how I feel (we'll see it if does any good).  I suppose I'm just tired, as many of us are, of acting like the grown-up in my relationship with my mother.  I need to learn to accept that she is never going to be the person or mother I may want her to be; it's just been a hard path to follow and sometimes my anger towards my uBPD mother overrides my knowledge of that fact.

[Clearmind]

Welcome Shalaidah   

Spelling things out very clearly about what your expectations and like GG said saying "When you say disparaging things about DH, it makes me angry," tells your mother that it has affected you. There does need to be consequences to her saying mean things. If in person, leave – If on the phone, terminate the call.

I would also add onto that quote above “"When you say disparaging things about DH, it makes me angry. If you continue to criticise I will terminate the call".

Acceptance of your mother’s behaviour is pretty critical and acceptance of your need to be firm and have good boundaries also needs to be accepted by you. I do understand their behaviour can be a trigger for us.

Work on those triggers and find some good coping skills and self talk to help you in those situations when your body is on fire and all you really want to do is fight back with defensive words.

Our triggers are deeply ingrained from childhood.

[GeekyGirl]

I suppose I'm just tired, as many of us are, of acting like the grown-up in my relationship with my mother.  I need to learn to accept that she is never going to be the person or mother I may want her to be; it's just been a hard path to follow and sometimes my anger towards my uBPD mother overrides my knowledge of that fact.

Oh, I know, Shalaidah.   I've thought the exact same thing. It can be exhausting sometimes.

Clearmind is right--by working on your triggers, you're less likely to be strongly affected by them. You have to expect that your mother won't change her behavior, but the more you understand what's behind it, the better you can respond in a way that isn't as hard on you.