ugh I need help

[guitargrl]

Today after doing so well with no contact… I texted and called and acted like a complete nut….professing my love and stuff. Its just so dang hard to get grips on the fact that I went from being the "perfect girl" "made for each other" and incredible passion to the next day him saying he wants suicide and cutting me off.  I mean this has happened countless times and he usually comes back in two weeks or so and I always take him back with open arms. If I am the one to initiate contact he rejects me so painfully. I mean I knew it would happen tonight. Its almost like I wanted that just to know I have to move on.  I am scared to do much of anything even if I say I am done…because I know when he comes back I will not be able to resist.  Sometimes I just want normal closure.  He gets so mad if I tell him that I need closure not a silent treatment. We are adults for goodness sake. He always says when he comes back that he waits for me to call or txt or show something…yet when I do he rejects me.  Its so hard for me to fathom a relationship just going to from heaven to hell in moments and I think it is why its so hard to move on…ugh I want to be past this so bad. I miss playing music with him and the good times…

[guitargrl]

now I just feel like an idiot!

[fromheeltoheal]

If you separate your brain from your heart for a minute, you know what to do.  Ask yourself:

Do you trust him?

Does he respect you?

Will you get what you want and need long term from him?

Does he bring you up or down mostly?

You know the answers.  Time to make a real decision?

[Bananas]

  guitargrl!  Don't beat yourself up!  I did the same thing.  More than once!  A few things I can really relate to:

If I am the one to initiate contact he rejects me so painfully. I mean I knew it would happen tonight. Its almost like I wanted that just to know I have to move on. 

He gets so mad if I tell him that I need closure not a silent treatment.

Yes and yes. 

Please don't feel like an idiot.  What your are expecting from him is actually quite normal.  For me it was only when I really accepted that my ex is disordered was when I was able to stop expecting him to act / say / do what I wanted and to give me closure.  This took me a long time.  7 months and a lot of therapy.  If I can do it you can too. 

Heel2Heal brings up some good points.  As much as I missed the "good times" after the way things ended I realized he was unable to give me what I wanted in a relationship.  You deserve to be happy.  Would you be settling?  Don't settle.   

[guitargrl]

Thank you both so much! I know in my heart he is unable.  I know it.  I love the good times…but even then the good times are good only if I say the right things, do the right things.  Walk on eggshells to not make him angry and disappear… Damn it though, I hate that he leaves hating me. He always leaves and I am a terrible person.  I am such a kind caring soul and it just hurts so bad to know he thinks I am terrible after I have coddled him for close to 3 years. Listened for hours his angry rants tried to change myself in ways to make him happy and he is so mean to me…yet he can just walk away and I am the bad guy. No validation for all that I have done. He can go out and idealize all these random people that would never be there for him like i have.  I am just left to feel so bad about myself. I can't stand it. It hurts so much.  When its convenient for him he comes back and he never has to deal with me rejecting him because I am always there….and I don't want to be anymore, yet somewhere deep inside I do, and it scares me. I know the plain facts.  He is mentally ill…I am extremely codependent and I have to let him go if I ever want to be happy. I have known that a long time. I am just having such a hard time following through.

[Supernova9star]

You are not an idiot. You are a human being who is trying to process a whirlwind of emotional conflict. I am standing right beside you going through all kinds of heartache and confusion. Be kind to yourself and understand that he doesn't need to give you validation before you feel like you are a lovable person. This is a tug-of-war you are caught up in and the dynamics won't change unless you say enough. Everyday you will become a little stronger and heal a little more with each step you take away from him. Trust me when I say you have no other choice if you want to stop feeling the anguish from this relationship. You deserve better. We are here. You are not alone.

[guitargrl]

Thank you all so much! It feels so good to know I am not alone! Support is amazing! I really feel better already... .

[fromheeltoheal]

Thank you both so much! I know in my heart he is unable.  I know it.  I love the good times…but even then the good times are good only if I say the right things, do the right things.  Walk on eggshells to not make him angry and disappear… Damn it though, I hate that he leaves hating me. He always leaves and I am a terrible person.  I am such a kind caring soul and it just hurts so bad to know he thinks I am terrible after I have coddled him for close to 3 years. Listened for hours his angry rants tried to change myself in ways to make him happy and he is so mean to me…yet he can just walk away and I am the bad guy. No validation for all that I have done. He can go out and idealize all these random people that would never be there for him like i have.  I am just left to feel so bad about myself. I can't stand it. It hurts so much.  When its convenient for him he comes back and he never has to deal with me rejecting him because I am always there….and I don't want to be anymore, yet somewhere deep inside I do, and it scares me. I know the plain facts.  He is mentally ill…I am extremely codependent and I have to let him go if I ever want to be happy. I have known that a long time. I am just having such a hard time following through.

Ah yes, I recognize the mindset, you and I are wired the same way.  You MUST put yourself and your needs first right now, and believe that turning to him to meet them or validate you will leave you in pain EVERY time.  It's difficult because you will be turning your back on what you've turned to for a sense of self worth, which is actually the good news, since it's the first step in starting to give yourself that worth.  Be strong and take care of you!

[The Mrs]

I've read all these thoughtful, eloquent, spot on replies.  And they are so right.  And it is late.  And my grammar is usually much better than this, but it is late and you are tugging at my heart strings.  I have spent 25 years in a BPD marriage and have only been out in my little safe house "Zen bungalow" as my therapist, friends and family call it, for three months.  Here's the real deal do you really think he is someone who you feel safe with, special with, loves you unconditionally, will take care of you when you are sick or scared or vulnerable?  Or will those be opportunities for him to get the upper hand and make you feel dependent upon or needy and a shell of your former self?  You are stronger than you realize, have offered more than you realize, and should never settle for less than what you would be willing to give to someone else.   

[Traumatized]

If you separate your brain from your heart for a minute, you know what to do.  Ask yourself:

Do you trust him?

Does he respect you?

Will you get what you want and need long term from him?

Does he bring you up or down mostly?

You know the answers.  Time to make a real decision?

If those are the questions I know the answers:

1) No

2) No

3) No

4) Down

My brain understands it, but my heart doesn't.  My addiction is so extreme that all common sense has flown out the window.  I keep craving more.

[Waifed]

Guitar

There is no such thing as closure with a BPD. We have all been through this. They just can't don't get it.

[fromheeltoheal]

If those are the questions I know the answers:

1) No

2) No

3) No

4) Down

My brain understands it, but my heart doesn't.  My addiction is so extreme that all common sense has flown out the window.  I keep craving more.

I don't know your whole story, but that's why it's crucial to disconnect physically, and the emotions will eventually follow as we work on ourselves.  My heart protested for months after I left her, although my brain never wavered, and leaving her was the right thing to do.  Even though it's right, it still hurts like hell, and I'm using that pain to grow so I never, ever get in a relationship with that pathology again.  Stay strong, it gets better.