She's making me out to seem worse then I am.

[Border_Lover]

My uBPDgf has not known her family for most of her life, and has recently started reconnecting with them all. A new friendship has begun with one of them, and they are starting to get close. I am very happy about this, she needs it and I completely support it, however there is an aspect I really hate. She always seems to make it out like she is a victim in our relationship. "I feel smothered by him, but it's my fault, he just worries about me."  Another time we were talking about a money issue, I was at the computer, and she was logged into facebook. I said "she's online now, you can ask her" and she told me to go ahead and do it. The next day she gets a phone call from her, and instantly tells her it was me who messaged her, because I didn't trust her "It's my fault he doesn't trust me". They talked for a good ten minutes, and from the bit I overheard it was her half-heartedly defending my "controlling" behavior. I once overheard her friend say to her "like you said, there is a difference between worrying and smothering." My gf claims that she took what she said out of context.

When I tell my gf I believe her new friend is very leery of me, she agrees. It's obvious she thinks I'm a bad guy, and am not good for her. Nothing I have done would indicate that I am a bad guy, unless you count having my gf call in to let me know what she's doing and when she'll be back. I have her do this because she recently attempted suicide, and has a substance abuse problem, and she seems happy to let me know. This leads me to believe the friend only thinks poorly of me because of the things my gf tells her. My gf acts innocent to all this, which she may be in her mind, but it really is a problem imo. I don't want her entire family to think I'm a controlling and bad influence in her life. I'm brought this up with my girlfriend, and she maintains "I let her know why you're like that, I tell her it's my fault." Which just adds to her being a "victim" in my opinion. Any suggestions or insights? Thank you.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[KHC_33]

The only way people are going to see you for who you are is if you let them see you on all sides. I can't tell you this enough. It is funny my ex BPD did this and it wasn't until his mom walked and saw him in bed at 2pm in the afternoon. He had not gotten up all day. He rarely helped. Unless I got angry because I had like zero energy left. Same when my gf saw the way he treated us when I was ready to move to a different city (he asked the girls to get their shoes on and they were talking with my gf's little boy ... .well my ex got mad and left with the van without my girls to go get a movie). My gf just looked at me and said wow, very rude. Until they see them for WHO they really are ... .no one ever knows.

Be weary this is going to be on going. I know it is hard to hear but in less SHE gets help she won't change. My ex did the same thing... .everything was my fault. He is depressed because there is no light in the house... .windows are always drawn (I get migraines) I painted the walls a dark colour (it makes him depressed) ... .list is endless.

My ex still continues to lie and say I brainwashed him. When I couldn't even stay in the hospital for my heart because I worried about how he would handle my own kids. I fought to come home. He said I trapped him, he had no life (no he didn't want a life), we never did anything together (because he was so bored)... .all that is my fault.

Question is if he really feels that way... .why stay? Really? If she is mouthing you off... .why does she stay if she is SO unhappy?

Really the only victim is whose who want to be (in self designed situation)  ... .she could just tell you ... you know you are very controlling and I just don't want that kind of relationship. Or she can stay and have something to whine about. Choice is always there. That isn't love... .that isn't even healthy.

[MaybeSo]

We can't control what others think or their opinions or what is said.

One thing I learned in my very difficult r/s with my bf with BPD traits... .

the more I tried to control his behavior (usually with the intention of helping him to help himself NOT do damaging or dysfunctional behaviors)... .the more controlling I appeared.

Because I was, in fact, trying to control the uncontrollable at times.  That makes one look controlling. Even if done with the best of intentions.

Do you think having her check in with you as a response to past suicidal ideation is helpful?  If you are checking in with her as part of a treatment plan agreed to with a trained therapist, that's a bit different.

There are no easy answers.  Do not fret over what you have no control over.

If someone indicates you are smothering or controlling, check yourself and strive to be self aware about going down that road of anxiously trying to control things you can't really control... .and make modifications if you think that's happening.  If that's not happening, then let it go. One caution also, my bf was often very cooperative and even requested or begged for me to take control of his behaviors by getting really involved and checking in and making all sorts of agreements and rules... .HE BEGGED me to basically take control of  him, and have him very tied to me etc.,  and then later he hated me for it when I did exactly what he requested I do. 

Bottom line, people need to learn to take charge of their own lives, and managing and hovering over them, even when they ask you to, isn't always the best idea. 

As for other people's opinions, You can't please everyone. It's fine.  If over time you are a straight up person, people will get to know you on their own terms.

pwBPD DO often feel very victimized and lack a sense of agency... .and speak in a victim like tone that reflects that feeling... .you aren't going to have the power to change or control for that, either.    If she is in appropriate therapy, she will learn the skills over time to take more responsibility for herself and will feel less victim-ey.  If she is not in therapy, that won't change. It certainly won't change just cause it understandably bothers you.

A pw BPD will generally make most things out to be ''worse than they are' because to BPD, most things feel worse than it does to most other people, that's why it's such a difficult disorder ... .so try not to take her behavior as a personal affront to you specifically,  it's just how borderline thinking goes. right?

Eyes on your own paper is the best bet.

[briefcase]

In my experience, it doesn't take new friends or acquaintences to figure things out for themselves.  My advice, be yourself, keep your side of the street clean, and try not to worry what the new friend/family think.  They'll figure things out.   

[maxen]

One thing I learned in my very difficult r/s with my bf with BPD traits... .

the more I tried to control his behavior (usually with the intention of helping him to help himself NOT do damaging or dysfunctional behaviors)... .the more controlling I appeared.

Because I was, in fact, trying to control the uncontrollable at times.  That makes one look controlling. Even if done with the best of intentions.

i've only been able to admit this to myself recently. i too acted in controlling ways, because her drinking was damaging us, and her weight impeded some of our activities, and i felt that basic responsibility to us as a couple should lead her to moderate her habits. i knew i was frustrated, but i didn't at the time see it as controlling. this was useless and counterproductive. (thank you, AlAnon.)

[talbed]

I agree, just keep doing the right thing.  Will it change the opinion of the others she is talking to about you?  Maybe, maybe not... .depending on what her narative is.  But there is some comfort in knowing you are doing the right thing.

Now, does that eliminate the concern of character assassination going on out there by her lips... .of you?  No it doesn't

Believe me I have learned this.  My wBPD has asked me repeatedly if I have told my friends or family about our "disputes and troubles" and I have not.  I respect her, my marriage, and the only person who knows is our MC.  I then find out she is telling her friends and family about all the "bad things" I am doing - in her mind.  I see the transition of looks from "wow, you're a great guy and we can tell you love her" to looking for that total arse she is making me out to be.  If she told any of my friends, family, or even ex-wife any of this they would all say "who are you talking about again?  Not the 'talbed' I know... ."  So it does make gatherings where these people will show up very stressful for me.

It may take time for those who have been 'poisoned' to see the truth - if ever, but be sure to keep your friends close... .keep your character... .do not defend or be overly upset about it, cuz guess what happens... ."see?  I told you about him!... ."

When I discovered this was happening, it seemed like one of the biggest betrayals I had ever experience in my life... .especially coming from the one I lie next to every night.  I am still not over it and may never be.  So all I can do is know who I am... .and seek my own therapy!

I feel your pain... .many of us do I am sure.  Find the faith in you... .