Should I see his therapist or have my own

[Cloudy Days]

My husband has been getting therapy for a little over a year now. I have just started seeing a lady a couple months ago. My husband wants me to talk to his therapist rather than the one I chose. The lady I am seeing isn't well versed in BPD, but she seems to be a good therapist otherwise. I think there could be both pros and cons to this. First she does know my husband well, She knows about BPD and she also knows DBT therapy because that's what kind of therapist she is. The lady I am seeing isn't trained in DBT. She knows what BPD is but I don't think she really understands how they think. The main con is that I don't want his therapist telling my husband certain things that should be considered private between patient and therapist. And while I don't think she would on purpose, things slip out. When he first started going to therapy I went with him for 3 sessions so I know the lady and I liked her. 

Do any of you see the same therapist separately? Does this work or cause problems?

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[Traumatized]

My husband wants me to talk to his therapist rather than the one I chose.

Do any of you see the same therapist separately? Does this work or cause problems?

Mine wanted me to see her therapist instead of the one I was already seeing.  When we were breaking up, she told me that her motivation was to convince her therapist that I was a psychopath, paranoid schizophrenic, dissociated like a serial killer, had multiple personalities, am a classic narcissist, etc. so I could get the help that in her twisted mind she thought that I needed.  Unbeknownst to her, these were all projections of herself that she had attributed to me. 

She demanded I call her therapist and set up an appointment.  The problem was that we both get therapy in the same place and they have a strict policy where they do not allow people in a relationship to see the same therapist separately.  My request to see her therapist was denied.  She demanded I call again and argue about it, but I told her there was no point because it was a strictly enforced policy.  This upset her.

What also upset her was the fact that I spent so much of my therapy sessions discussing her instead of me.  I have issues of my own that I AM working on in therapy, but what she didn't understand, because she lacks empathy, was that I HAD to talk about her a lot.  Her abusive treatment of me affected my psyche so deeply that until I discussed the things going on between us, I could not deal with anything else.

So my advice to you is to go to a therapist that YOU choose who is well acquainted with BPD issues.  Do not give in to his request to see his therapist separately.  Like mine, he probably has an agenda that is more to his benefit than yours.

[allibaba]

I wouldn't hesitate to go to the same therapist if I felt comfortable with them and trusted them.

That's just me though.  Easier for someone to have the full story.

[Cloudy Days]

Well it's more of a request than a demand, he's not being forceful with it. He said that his therapist understands him and could help me with communication. His biggest complaint with me is that I don't communicate with him well enough. I'm not good with words so it certainly could be part of the problem. I also get very overwhelmed when his is in attack mode. He thinks that she could give me some of the pointers that he's getting, because she has helped him. My husband has accepted that he has problems and that he needs to work on himself. He said he doesn't want me to be as messed up as him, he knows his behavior has effected me a lot in a bad way.

He's said some things to his therapist that I personally would like to set strait, but I don't want to be using this for my own agenda either. I also don't want him to think that since she talks to me that she will take my side of things when there is a major disagreement, or that we gang up on him. I've seen a therapist in the past together with him and this was how he ended up feeling.

[daylily]

Hi Cloudy!

pwBPD can be very convincing that they have honorable motives for something, when they really have their own agenda.  At least I've observed this to be the case with my H. 

I don't think that the therapist would tell him anything you've said, but I think there's a chance that it might impede his therapy if he believes that you've influenced his therapist or she is taking your side.  Could you and H agree that the therapists can talk to each other briefly so that his therapist can explain to your therapist the "pointers" that she's given to your H and any other information she believes might be helpful to your therapy?

I just started therapy myself, and before I started, I posted something here on whether or not my therapist should be someone who specializes in BPD.  The responses seemed to be that the therapist should be aware of BPD but it's not necessary that he/she be a BPD-centered therapist.   

  Daylily

[lostandunsure]

As with so many things there are upsides and downsides to the question about seeing the same therapist. The answer usually depends on the situation.

Seeing the same therapist can give them the both sides of the story. Often, only one side of the story is shared, the whole picture isn't known. A person with mental illness can paint a prettier picture than real life with their therapist. They may also describe themselves in the best light while disparaging everyone and everything around them, making it seem as though, they don't have the problem. Instead, their problems are caused by everyone else, or a specific someone around them... .Don't dismiss this, they can be very convincing and it can halt or reverse their progression. It helps to reinforce what they already feel in their minds... .i.e. if they can convince a therapist that YOU are the one with the problem, then it must mean it's true.

On the flip side, seeing the same therapist puts the therapist in the middle. Most reputable therapists won't see couples separately on a regular basis for that reason. They are put in the position of trying to judge who's "right" and who's "wrong" and will, no matter how hard they try not to, make changes to how they handle therapy sessions with each of you based on what the other has said. It's a conflict of interest in a way that is difficult to overcome, so most refuse to be put in that position.

There are a couple ways around these issues. My wife and I have spoken with her past therapists and they have all been open to having me sit in on occasion, when my wife wanted me to. These joint sessions usually followed big arguments, or periods where she had a major dysregulation and need some extra support from me. This provided a chance for me to clarify anything that needed clarifying and she didn't feel like I was talking to her therapist behind her back. It also allowed me to see what kind of therapy she was getting and to help understand better what she was going through.

Personally, when I needed longer term therapy for myself, I didn't want to see the same therapist because I wanted to feel like I could speak freely and not have to worry about what the therapist thought of what I was saying compared to what my wife had told him.

Perhaps, if you really do have communication issues, and lets face it, communicating with a pwBPD isn't easy for the best communicators because they require special handling, a joint session or two where the two of you can practice communicating together might be a way to go, assuming his therapist is open to that.

Also, and it may not be easy to do, but you might want to find another therapist who really does understand BPD and can help you understand some of the communication tools that are out there. That is, if you don't think you're getting what you need from your current therapist... .

And, don't just take what your husband says at face value, communication does go both ways while we, as the nonBPD in the relationship, have a lot of work to do to help our loved ones, that doesn't mean that they are off the hook. If you like your therapist, and they are working for you, stick with them. Maybe pick up one of the several books on communication with BPD that are out there to supplement instead.

[briefcase]

My gut reaction is for him to have his therapist, and you to have yours.  Entangling the relationships the way he suggests seems like it might lead to problems down the road.  If things get tough in therapy for him, I could see him blaming that on things you told "his" T.  Just saying. 

You might be able to compromise and agree to come to a couple of his sessions, if its ok with his T and with him present, so they can share their "insights" with you and get your input, from time to time.  That way, your interaction with his T is transparent.

[bpbreakout]

My BPDw has come to a number of sessions with my therapist. It has been a really useful excercise & my therapist was the one who initially suggested BPD as an issue after years of thinking her issues were 100% bipolar2. Joint sessions are on hold after BPDw stormed out of the last session (the old ganging up problem !). I am open to BPDw coming to any future sessions but it in the short term there are a few things I need to discuss with my therapist on my own about how to deal with BPDw.

BPDw sees a psychiatrist for bipolar / ADHD medication + BPD issues on her own though I do come along to the sessions 2-3 times a year. BPDw has also started seeing a therapist on her own to work through childhood issues which I fully support. My feeling is that it's good to have all these people on hand but you don't necessarily have to be seeing them all at once all of the time so it goes in ebbs and flows with us.

My view on your situation is that it could be really good for you to attend joint or single sessions with your husbands therapist (lots of reasons for it put in the other posts) and no one has the right to stop you seeing whoever you want on a personal basis. Where I am even if you do attend husbands therapy sessions or had a few one on one sessions it would be still officially your husband's therapist unless husband allowed the change in status to joint therapy. Also anything you told his therapist one on one would be confidential unless you said otherwise. It seems odd that husband seems to assume you would stop seeing your therapist, is it a control thing ? I wouldn't be making any promises to him about but not seeing yours & I wouldn't be making any promises about what's on or off the agenda with his therapist. My BPDw has tried to control the agenda a few times in these situations and I have respectfully ignored it.

[Cloudy Days]

I think the reason why I am more open to doing it is that at the moment I like my therapist but I never want to go see her. I don't know why. It could have to do with my own issues of not likening to talk to people. I really hate small talk and talking about myself in general, just makes me uncomfortable.

I think maybe I will suggest seeing her a couple times but not making it permanent. I do foresee a problem of it messing with his therapy. He is able to talk to her through texts and If I were to do that in a similar fashion it would most likely come off as me being a tattle tale. When it would really just be me needing help.

It certainly can't be a permanent thing.

[Wanda]

along time ago i had my therapist and he had  his but we each signed  papers for each therapist to exchange thoughts , his t herapist told my therapist i needed to learn tools and skills. which i did also my therapist gave me a book to read on personality disorders it was then i read a bout BPD (him to a tee)

I would suggest each his own and i went to see his only when he  needed to see me. they both were therapist and they knew about BPD say the least to this day i know about BPD, i t hink so does he he just chooses to stay in denial... so he is undiagnosed.

[Grey Kitty]

My husband has been getting therapy for a little over a year now. I have just started seeing a lady a couple months ago. My husband wants me to talk to his therapist rather than the one I chose.

My initial thought is that your T should be for you alone, and be between you and the T. Letting your H influence who you choose/what you do when you seek T for yourself seems like a bad idea.

If he and his T both think that seeing you and him together (or seeing you alone) will help the T work on HIS issues, I'd encourage you to support him by going, being honest and open, etc. The beneficiary is your H, not yourself.