Contact or No Contact?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

It's been about 6 weeks since I broke up with my ex.  She wasn't diagnosed as BPD, but she exhibited a lot of the behaviors.

When we broke up, I told her I needed space and she demanded to know when she could talk to me again.  I told her that I had a midterm in a month, and that if she needed to talk to me, I wanted her to wait until after that.  When I got out of my midterm, I had an email from her saying that she wasn't ready to talk yet, which I was ok with.  That was about two weeks ago.  I just got another email from her asking when we can talk again.

I'm still very much in love with her, so talking to her is emotionally difficult for me.  She was unwilling to take any responsibility for her role in our conflicts, but otherwise we had so much in common, and I believe that was genuine.  We also are part of the same academic and friend circles, although she's now living in another city.

I'm not sure what to do.  What are the pros and cons of staying in contact?  Any clues on how to think about it?  I know I should focus on what I need, but even that isn't clear.

[nullset]

It's been about 6 weeks since I broke up with my ex.  She wasn't diagnosed as BPD, but she exhibited a lot of the behaviors.

When we broke up, I told her I needed space and she demanded to know when she could talk to me again.  I told her that I had a midterm in a month, and that if she needed to talk to me, I wanted her to wait until after that.  When I got out of my midterm, I had an email from her saying that she wasn't ready to talk yet, which I was ok with.  That was about two weeks ago.  I just got another email from her asking when we can talk again.

I'm still very much in love with her, so talking to her is emotionally difficult for me.  She was unwilling to take any responsibility for her role in our conflicts, but otherwise we had so much in common, and I believe that was genuine.  We also are part of the same academic and friend circles, although she's now living in another city.

I'm not sure what to do.  What are the pros and cons of staying in contact?  Any clues on how to think about it?  I know I should focus on what I need, but even that isn't clear.

[heartandwhole]

I'm not sure what to do.  What are the pros and cons of staying in contact?  Any clues on how to think about it?  I know I should focus on what I need, but even that isn't clear.

Hi nullset,

I think it's important to start thinking about what you need and want in your relationships.  Otherwise we just keep doing what we've always done, and getting what we've gotten.

As for contact, it may take a few tries to know what works for you.  Are you hoping to be friends?  Reconcile?  What kind of contact do you want– lots, little, in person, texts?

If detaching is your goal, a period of no contact can be helpful.

You don't have to know all the answers right away.    Follow your inner knowing and pay lots of attention to what you are feeling.

We're here for you.