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Author Topic: I feel crazy, terrified, lonely, grief-stricken, guilty, confused, helpless  (Read 634 times)
marilynmarilyn

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Posts: 6



« on: October 31, 2013, 03:50:58 AM »

     My beautiful, gifted, talented 32-year-old daughter suffers from BPD.  

    After a series of traumatically stressful events during the past three years, her heretofore suppressed BPD traits became full-blown.  Neither her dad nor I realized the extent and depth of her slow decline into the dark crevices of BPD, mainly because we lived 2000 miles apart.  When she went to college in the Northwest and we lived in the eastern part of the US, we saw each other during holidays when our other children were also home and sometimes parts of her summer breaks.  

    After graduation, having had one interruption for a 6-week inpatient drug treatment program, she decided to stay in Oregon to live and work.  A few years later, she sought and obtained a different career path which took her to Loss Angeles, CA.  In the beginning, she seemed focused, proud of her accomplishments, and happy with her decision.  However, as time went on, she once again began to use drugs and alcohol in managing job and relationship stressors.  Little by little, paranoia and loss of emotional control became the norm.  Still, she tried to keep up a good front for our benefit, although her dad and I began to see signs of her deterioration.  Expecting she would overcome whatever the issues were, we began to subsidize her living expenses and only see what she wanted us to believe.

    In January, 2013, after having been fired from two jobs and also dumped by her fiancĂ© one month before their elaborate wedding, our daughter, BPD symptoms having fully actuated, crashed.  She attempted suicide, raged at anyone who tried to get close, and constantly blamed her life circumstance on anyone and everything, accepting no responsibility for her own recovery.  Her substance abuse had peaked at dangerous levels,, but she denied their impact on her physical and mental states.

    For the sake of brevity, she left two treatment programs because the staffs were inept and stupid.  We are supporting her entirely with vast amounts of money and no accounting as to how it's being spent.  She bans us from her life, insisting that we are responsible for her losses. She won't risk her recovery by exposure to our toxicity.  She forbids us any knowledge of her activities or acquaintances in protection of her privacy.  We have accepted her demands and rejection because of our fear of pushing her over the edge and losing her forever.

    We are in the process of taking back the power we've given her, knowing that, indeed, we might lose her.  We are further aware that unless we do, she will most probably never find herself.  Her dad and I have received professional guidance in so doing, finally realizing the deceit and manipulation she has been using to control our actions and non-actions. The bottom line is that we have to love her enough to allow her to take responsibility for her life, if she chooses.  We will be available to support her in any way she will allow, with the exception of giving money for unknown reasons.

    And the above-mentioned feelings and fears prevail. I am desperately looking for support and shared information about the effects and responses among other family members who might be experiencing similar circumstances.

Thank you.
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
crazedncrazymom
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Married 19 years
Posts: 475



« Reply #1 on: October 31, 2013, 05:13:43 AM »

Hi Marilyn,

Welcome  I'm so glad you found us.  The threat of suicide will make you do anything and everything just to keep your dd wanting to live.  There are many of us parents here in the same situation.  It sounds like you are on a great path and you are making some really good decisions.  It's amazing how we can let someone have that much control over our lives isn't it? 

My dd16 would do the same thing as far as leaving treatment programs because people are stupid.  When we go over a list of her triggers she has stupid people near the top.  Just about everyone is stupid.  Including me when I'm not giving her what she wants.

I take it she is still in recovery from her drug problem and not active?  Have you figured out where you will draw the line as far as financial support? Does your dd live close by?  You and your husband are in therapy and that's a great thing.  I'm sure you've found it to be very helpful.

I'm really looking forward to getting to know more about you.
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clairedair
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 455



« Reply #2 on: October 31, 2013, 05:41:42 AM »

Hi MarilynMarilyn,

Let me also welcome you to the bpdfamily   Welcome

Unlike crazedncrazymom and yourself, I do not have experience of watching a beautiful, gifted and talented child have her life, and those of others around her, affected by BPD in the ways you describe.  However, I am a mother and I can feel crazy, terrified, lonely, grief-stricken, guilty, confused and helpless even when my children are not suffering in this way.  I need support just for my day-to-day parenting - you have this all multiplied by 100 so I am glad that you have found your way here because there are others in similar situations and hopefully sharing with them will lessen the loneliness of your experience as well as reduce the confusion etc.  It's understandable that you feel desperate for support and information.

The folks on the Board supporting parents with a child suffering from BPD will be more able than I to share with you and support you but I just wanted to welcome you.

It sounds as if you and your daughter's father have already sought out professional support and are aware that there are things that can be done to stop making things worse and begin to make them better.  The resources here are well worth looking at. A great place to start is with the parenting board:

Parenting a son or daughter suffering from BPD board



take care,

Claire
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lbjnltx
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: widowed
Posts: 7757


we can all evolve into someone beautiful


« Reply #3 on: November 01, 2013, 08:18:55 AM »

Hi marilynmarilyn,

Glad to have you join the family here.

It is so good to learn that you are already finding a path out of the ongoing unhealthy relationship cycle and discovering the road towards a more peace filled life.

On the road towards peace it is very  helpful to know that there are things you can learn and do to keep your daughter close to you and improve your relationship.  Skills and tools that are helpful are within your reach and power.

It would be of great benefit for you and your husband to investigate the links under "Tools" found in the right margin. 

We are here to support you as you learn and take back the power you had previously given away.

lbjnltx
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marilynmarilyn

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 6



« Reply #4 on: November 02, 2013, 11:09:49 PM »

Thank you for your kind, understanding words.  No, crazedncraz, she is not still in recovery and yes she, is still using substances.  She does not live close to us which makes managing so much more difficult. 

Clairedair, thank you for the link for "parents of sons and daughters... ." I was desperately looking for something like that, but had such difficulty understanding the site and how to get there.  Your quest, parenting non-BPD children, is also one of trial and error and can be quite foreboding at times.

Ibjnltx, our path changes from day to day. We still have not approached our dd with her new choices for our provisions.  Whether it brings us closer or causes her to act out in dangerous ways is yet to be determined.   We will continue to look to this board for support.

May our tomorrow's become peaceful todays

marilynmarilyn
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clairedair
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 455



« Reply #5 on: November 03, 2013, 07:09:03 AM »

Hi marilynmarilyn,

Can you tell us more about which behaviors are causing you the most problems?  Or which aspects of her behavior you find most difficult to deal with?

We still have not approached our dd with her new choices for our provisions.  Whether it brings us closer or causes her to act out in dangerous ways is yet to be determined.   

This is one aspect of being close to a pwBPD that I found difficult - trying to set boundaries and then waiting to see what the reaction will be.  I've found that the less I focus on what my pwBPD's reaction will be (I have no control over this) and more on my own boundary and sticking to it (I do have control over this), the more 'free' I feel.

There are many people posting on the parenting board who will have had similar experiences/feelings to yourself. Feel free to read around and then, when you feel ready, start a new thread yourself by clicking on the tab 'new topic'  (a thread is what we call a series of posts following the initial topic posting).

You can also add to a thread that's been started by someone else - you click on the 'reply' tab.   

take care,

Claire
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marilynmarilyn

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 6



« Reply #6 on: November 03, 2013, 02:27:41 PM »

Claire,  DD, 32 years old, keeps us as far from knowing her activities as possible.  To the best of my knowledge, she sees a therapist 3 times per week.  I've heard about doctor's appointments, including her psychiatrist, and that's the extent of what she tells me.  This information is to put me on notice of the charges for which we must be responsible.

    As I said earlier, she lives a good distance away from us.  Dh went to see her two weeks ago, and she refused to see him.  He gave her his hotel location and flight information for the next day, asking that she call him if she should change her mind.  We had discussed how to handle the possibility that this might happen but never believed it actually would.  When he came home, we decided to change our method of financing her (whatever). 

    Because of our fears about what her not getting what she wanted might trigger, we have handed over whatever money she said she needed to pay living expenses, with no accountability on her part for how the money was being spent.   Whenever we requested such information, she would fly into rages and cut off communication for days or weeks.  She says her therapist is very horrified that we are such toxic parents and advises her to have as little to do with us as possible.

    She is not working, and although she (probably accidentally) told us her therapist recommended she volunteer at something. But she has a multitude of reasons for not doing so.  She has said that she has interviewed for jobs, but hasn't come up with convincing reasons for having been fired from her last two jobs and then not working for almost a year after.

     To the best of my knowledge she has no friends for the same reasons I've seen mentioned here.  However, if there is someone in her life, we are not allowed access to any names because she wants her privacy.  These things are just a tiny bit of what our relationship entails.  At this point, we are at our wit's end.

     After the refusal to see her dad, we have decided, with the agreement of my psychiatrist (who has known dd since she was a child), to stop wiring money, take over payment of her bills, give an allowance for food and gas.  This action will turn her world upside down and my psychiatrist said will probably cause acting out of some kind.  How afraid do I feel hearing this?  Gigantically!  Something has to change, however.

     This is not a simple answer to your question.  It IS our reality.  I live in fear, one way or the other.

marilynmarilyn
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clairedair
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 455



« Reply #7 on: November 04, 2013, 04:52:32 PM »

Because of our fears about what her not getting what she wanted might trigger, we have handed over whatever money she said she needed to pay living expenses, with no accountability on her part for how the money was being spent.

... .

     This is not a simple answer to your question.  It IS our reality.  I live in fear, one way or the other.

Finding our way out of the FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt = emotional blackmail) is a difficult path with two steps forward, one step back (sometimes five steps back!).  There's a thread about FOG on the Parenting Board 'LESSONS' (and you will see it mentioned many times here).

I'm not sure how to get the link to work - I've just cut and paste.  If you can't get to it, let me know and I'll ask someone else how to get the link to you.

Get out of the FOG

Susan Forward, PhD coined the acronym FOG to stand for fear, obligation, and guilt - three vulnerabilities that an emotional blackmailer manipulates, and 3 vulnerabilities that most of us can't figure out how to escape.These are normal, often helpful, feelings can be debilitating if we can't recognize when they are being manipulated.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog


Here's an excerpt:

Defenses to F.O.G.

The FOG keeps us from seeing that we have choices, we have the power to take back our lives, and we can't cure another person of their mental illness and we don't deserve or have to put up with abuse.

Boundaries/personal limits and valuing yourself are the best defense to FOG.  Most BPD are fundamentally insecure. Converse to logic, many times you may need to create distance from them when you think they are most needy.  Taking time for yourself and making your needs your own priority may be the best defense to FOG.


I still struggle with FOG with my exH - mainly the Fear.  I fear that he will be angry/think badly of me even though he is now re-married.  I still fear his disapproval and upsetting him.  I fear his new wife thinking I'm a bitter ex!  How do you feel about your daughter's T thinking you are 'toxic' as parents?  Is this a fear?  Interesting that she is saying she's been told to have as little contact with you as possible but it's OK to take your money?

Contrary to the way I dealt with difficult situations/conflict before, I am finding that the more I stick to my boundaries; the more I spend time with T; the more I focus on my own wellbeing, the less I feel this fear.  I still try to be compassionate but I recognise that I have enabled his behaviours (and consequently allowed myself to be badly treated). It's not helped anyone really.

It sounds as if you and your DH are taking those difficult first steps to try to set a new boundary around finance.

     After the refusal to see her dad, we have decided, with the agreement of my psychiatrist (who has known dd since she was a child), to stop wiring money, take over payment of her bills, give an allowance for food and gas.  This action will turn her world upside down and my psychiatrist said will probably cause acting out of some kind.  How afraid do I feel hearing this?  Gigantically!  Something has to change, however.

I'm no psychiatrist but my experience has been that the 'acting out' does follow a new boundary being set or a change in my behaviour (i.e. a change that he does not welcome!).  More recently I have found, as I said above, that after the initial sick feeling of pwBPD 'pushing back', the fear diminished.  I can feel myself gathering some strength. 

Did you psychiatrist offer any advice about how to deal with this?

take care,

Claire
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