How to find help

[Knowingishalf]

I am here today 1-4 days away from leaving my wife.  I know up until now I have been handling things as good as I can, but I am beginning to think that I am going to need more of a professional level of help.  I want to seek a therapist to help me navigate through the divorce and custody fights that are to come.  I know I am torn even now I seem to ignore blowups 20 minutes prior when she is being pleasant.  I am sure this is from so long just accepting it.  I am tired of accepting it and wonder where is a good place to start to get the help for me.  Anyone have any thoughts how to proceed?

Thanks

[Surnia]

Knowingishalf

I can only encourage you to do this step. I would be perhaps still very unhappy and scared in my marriage without a good therapist.

I went to a therapist with behavioral approach and good knowledge about interpersonal skills too (which I didn't know when I started.) One of my best decisions in the last years. She helped me through undecided/separation/divorce.

[lockedout]

You'll want a good therapist and one you can see weekly in the beginning. BUT a week is 168 hours long and you only see the therapist for 1 hour per week. For now you need to put even the legal stuff on a back burner to simmer for a while to take care of your immediate mental and physical health.

For one thing, no alcohol where you live for a while. It's easy to slip into a pattern of enjoying the numbness of your feelings and caught in that rut. You need to feel those and get them out of your system. It will be very easy to hammer down way too much before you realize it.

Talk about the situation with only with neutral people (your parents aren't - they can unknowingly feed negative emotions).

Reconnect with an old friend or two. You likely alienated a lot of people throughout the course of the marriage; it will be helpful.

Exercise. Pick something you like to do for it and do lots of it. I never thought I'd be running 10 miles a year ago - couldn't do one.

When you're home and lonely (will happen) and since you won't have a bottle to hit, look in online or in the paper for activities and support meeting in your community. I've been to a few different things that I entered blindly (one I still go to whenever possible). Even if it's not something you're overly excited about, it will at least be something different from the norm.

Document everything. This is where not rushing legal proceedings comes in handy, if possible. It's hard to argue with several months of documented timesharing and a log of her antics.

If you can't delay the legal stuff, at least get the book Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder. You can read it in a day or two and the info is invaluable. You can get it on Amazon and make sure it goes anywhere but the house she's living in.

These aren't a cure all, but they are the first-aid thing I did when first moving out.

[Knowingishalf]

Thanks, and Splitting is owned and read multiple times.  The moving out can't really wait I have to take care of my daughter I am calling my insurance company to get help finding some therapy they will pay for, for a bit.  The moment I moved out I was going to use AA with my brother, not so much for me and alcohol although I do drink now and then but to support him getting his self under control.  I was also planning 0 drinks for the foreseeable future.  Your advice is amazing as for exercise I was planning on a crossfit box for a bit.  Now if I can follow through with 50% of this I think I will be at a good starting point.  I am so lost in the blinding fog currently even my work is suffering.  I do have a good niche hammered out there, I am the only engineer they have at my skill level and have many years in the company but that will only protect me for so much longer from being a terrible employee.  It is time to get me straight all your advice is amazing and really helpful.  I can't put off leaving any more or questions on why I let my daughter stay, and I stay in such an abusive environment are really legitimate.

Another question when the pwBPD begins to be nice again and it is so hard to second guess yourself how do you stay strong.  I have suffered 9 years of them pretending the good times outweigh the bad but I was lying to myself over and over.  I can see it but every sweet interaction makes it so much harder... .

Man I am so mixed up any more.

[lockedout]

AA probably wouldn't be for you, but Celebrate Recovery (one of the things I found when I needed to get out and do something) has been very helpful for me. If you go to their website you can see if they have meetings in your area. I'd go more often but it's a bit of a hike for me right now; hopefully that will change soon.

Going for ten miles tomorrow; kind of fell off the wagon with the summer heat and the stress of getting my finances in better order. Better times ahead.