Just got Divorced from my BPD wife One Hour Ago (It hurts like hell)

[samthewiss]

This morning I gave my BPD wife a jewish divorce. Yesterday was the civil divorce.

I sat there in the room as they were writing it up.

It took about an hour.

We go through the process were i hand her her divorce papers and say "you are no longer my wife, you are permitted to another man".

I looked at the woman whom i loved (love) so much.

I was in tears.

She sat next to me and held my hand.

she said "breath, breath," "its going to be ok". "I will always love you... .be your friend."

I had so much confusion: Here is a woman that lied, told me she was cheating, (she later said she just said that to get me out of the house), and is now breaking our marriage, and she is consoling me!

I wanted her so much to say: Stop the divorce! I have BPD and need help. Please don't leave me, stand by me.

After it was done all she said: Our marriage failed b/c you did not believe that i loved you.   

Once again, it is my fault. 

[Surnia]

So sorry, samthewiss

I feel your pain. 

Yes, it is really difficult to grasp.

We love our SO and we cannot make it work. Its hard. It doesn't help you really - I am in tears. One of the big challenges of life, letting go our partners, wifes, husbands.

[maxen]

sam i am so sorry. there are scarcely any words for this. she is ill: you must try to think of that.

[nevaeh]

It hurts so much to read that!  I can't imagine how you must feel right now.

The only thing I have to offer is that it was not meant to be.  She has "released" you and you are now free to find the life you were meant to live.  I hope you can get some help working through this very emotional time in your life!

Take care... .

[Bit Lost]

That made me choke up  

[Sluggo]

So sorry.  Many here have experienced the type of pain u are going through and many like me realize I may be in your shoes someday.  To have heard her say if u only would have believed I love you... .heart wrenching ... .cant imagine that pain with all the memories of her in ur relationship  devaluing u, putting u down, and making u feel so small .

[allweareisallweare]

At the end of the day, what's it all for, really? They have a serious degenerative disease which can corrode any marriage/relationship - and by fate we choose them etc. It can happen to anyone that it's US who love them - it could be US who are the borderline. Words can't express, feeling for you very very much, Sam.

[Lady31]

Hey Sam 

I'm so sorry!  Crazy how she was comforting you while going through it, and then after it was over she was blaming you.

I know it's painful.  There are dark things in the souls of these people.  I don't fully understand it all - but I believe there is a spiritual root to things in the natural.  Your wife doesn't realize the spiritual implications of what she has done by going outside the marriage and breaking up your marriage - that is on her head, not yours. 

You are free Sam - remember your covenant promises.  The same God that heals your body heals your heart and soul.  You are not hopeless in this, you are promised.

God will restore you my Jewish friend.   

Isaiah 41:10-13  Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.  Behold, all they that were incensed against thee shall be ashamed and confounded: they shall be as nothing; and they that strive with the shall perish.  Thou shalt seek them, and shalt not find them, even them that contended with thee: they that war against thee shall be as nothing, and as a thing of nought.  For I the Lord thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee.

Isaiah 40:29 He giveth power to the faint; and to them that have no might he increaseth strength.

Isaiah 43:18-19  Remember ye not the former things, neither consider the things of old.  Behold, I will do a new thing; now it shall spring forth; shall ye not know it?  I will even make a way in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert.

Be comforted.  You are stronger and stronger every day.  Peace is your heritage. 

With the unshakeable love.

[samthewiss]

Thank you all for your kind words.

You are helping me very much.

Update

My new ex-wife and I had the following text exchange three hours after we got divorced today.

she said:

"There were things I wanted to say, Things i wanted u 2 hear. I am sorry i had to run. I was crazy late for work. Thank you for being a gentleman this morning at our divorce proceedings"

I replied:

"I AM a gentleman.

I know you, both the good and the not so good. I was strong enough to see us work.

Reality is that you could not do the same for me.

I will always carry u and your kids in my heart.

But now must heal and grow without you."

She replied:

"We both do

We both will

Take care of yourself"

While all this sounds so caring and supportive.

The following are the facts

she was diagnosed by two therapist as having BPD

Over the past year long marriage she accused me of cheating, lying, living a double life, tricked her into marrying me. addicted to alcohol, porn, never got over past relationships, sleep around with anything and everyone. having a temper... .The list goes on

When i would press her for details like who? what? when? i never got a clear answer.

she stopped wearing her wedding ring, would go out at night, and when i questioned her about it she would say "are you spying on me" "do you have a GPS tracker on my car?"

I would rationalize that she is insecure, needs to gain a greater grasp of reality. She consonantly put up walls of anger, silence. She could not distinguish between fears and reality. 

and last night and today she says. I loved you, will always love you, I am hear for you. You are a great guy. You thought me how to feel. I am your only true friend. BUT we needed to get divorced. good luck and take care.

the mixed messages. the pull and push. her painting me white only after we are divorced... .

[Learning_curve74]

I'm sorry, sam. I think a lot of us here found out the hard way that love alone isn't enough. Hang in there. 

[Accepting]

I'm sorry, sam. I think a lot of us here found out the hard way that love alone isn't enough. Hang in there. 

From one simple human to another,  I'm sorry life deals us such pain and I genuinely feel for you.

[slimmiller]

This morning I gave my BPD wife a jewish divorce. Yesterday was the civil divorce.

I sat there in the room as they were writing it up.

It took about an hour.

We go through the process were i hand her her divorce papers and say "you are no longer my wife, you are permitted to another man".

I looked at the woman whom i loved (love) so much.

I was in tears.

She sat next to me and held my hand.

she said "breath, breath," "its going to be ok". "I will always love you... .be your friend."

I had so much confusion: Here is a woman that lied, told me she was cheating, (she later said she just said that to get me out of the house), and is now breaking our marriage, and she is consoling me!

I wanted her so much to say: Stop the divorce! I have BPD and need help. Please don't leave me, stand by me.

After it was done all she said: Our marriage failed b/c you did not believe that i loved you.   

Once again, it is my fault. 

Sam

I very sorry to hear about the suffering she put you through. I m glad to see that she has been diagnosed. Mine would never even consider any real effert in getting a diagnosis or counseling period. Instead she chose to just blame me. Its easier for her to do that then to take responsibility.

With my expereince of her trying to not only being the one that is hurting you, she also wants to be there to comfort you after and during the time she is twisting the knife in your back. This cut deep for me because mine too still tries to convince me its me and her together against the world as a team so to speak as it relates to the future of the family. We have to understand, this is SICK! . People that hurt us do NOT also heal us.

Have you had any counseling? I found that to be extremely helpful. At least it allows healing and real healing form a neutral source. The BPDs want to take that role also as they want to control us in a sense. Its very important for our healing to break that bond!


Take care of you!

[LaSuede]

Sam,

I feel so much for you.

The mixed messages, sometimes with half an hours timeframe... .

The accusation of not loving... .

The way they detach, when you, yourself are in such un-graspable pain.

My best friend, the most empathic person I know, said recently - "I don't understand how I can help you, why you are so messed up, what to say this time -  it's just not understandable for me, after all he had done, why are you not just relieved... ?"

Then going in here and knowing we are in somehow a "secret club".

I am so grateful for all of you.

Sometimes I hear myself answer to those questions: "I know, I read more and more about it, and it's normal to be totally damaged... ."

I guess my love actually faded and some of the accusation for my Non-love was right.

How about you Sam? Can you feel some love died by the repeatidingly bad actions... ?

I promised myself to show - not talk after a while.

To put my love in actions, when there were no words left... .

The opposite what he did. Talked not showed. Again and again.

Those promising words, that never became anything.

I promised myself to not judge, say how to act, what I needed anymore.

Instead trying all there is to show.

There was so much love in many of my actions... .

Just they were never seen. Sometimes even turned against me.

And that's one thing that is making me stuck I believe, that I am so misunderstood, meanwhile a "fixer", so I try my best to: "No, no, it's like this... .trust me... ."

When all I should have asked from the beginning. Can I trust?

Why do I struggle to make this person trust me?

When I have only been trustworthy in every action, and he has been the opposite... ?

Why?

In one case that shows: I can not trust me. For protection what is me.

So that is about time.

To build up, so that I can trust me to protect me so that I can be me... .

You seem a loving, caring, open person.

That's something you never should change. Just be aware were this love is put.

It should be placed in places where it grows, like rings on the water with just a little drip.

Where you don't need to be seen (egoboosted) meanwhile where you feel good, better the best just by being.

You.

Take good care now.

I guess it's just to walk thru the pain like walking thru the jungle, one will reach "dangerous spots", be scared, alone, in dispair, but knowing there will soon come an open place where there is light, the grass is green and the wind is at one's back and the sun in the face.

It will always.

Come.

Promise.

[samthewiss]

I have been reading a Book "Facing Codependence" by Pia Mellody. I am only 1/3 way through the book and I want to focus on several areas with you all that i need some guidance with.

1. "Experiencing appropriate levels of self-esteem"

I did not learn this in my youth, i know its not tied to any accomplishments that i have done. Its a way of thinking about oneself and i need help to learn how to do this for myself. I feed off other peoples validation and not my own. I know that a part of me goes to synagogue, to part of the good guys. I want to feel it as apposed to going through the motions.

2. "Setting functional boundaries"

The Book talks about setting healthy boundaries of ones thoughts, feelings and actions. 

I got it.

I have an analogy using electrical circuit. (i work with electricity so i think about wires)

Imagine that the data coming into your brain comes on three wires. One wire is for thought, the other is for feeling, and the third is action.

In a healthy, balanced person. These wires are strong with good insulation.

What if due to trauma or poor nurturing the insulation became cracked. Now one has two problems.

The first, one is bleeding electricity. To compensate, one is very susceptible to picking up an addiction to try to temporarily insulate the wire.

Second, If one encounters another person with cracked wires that are bleeding electricity too, coming together, you will pick up their electricity and feel like you are getting a full charge.

With time, in a relationship, one ties wires together. The bond becomes very strong. At times, it will feel like you are now operating on full charge, what a great feeling!

The problems with this is.

There electricity is not yours.

Their wires are cracked. When they lack electricity or have a surge in electricity, you now have an irregular voltage too.

Wanting to be balanced, we will try to absorb their electrical surges. We will also try to add voltage to them when they are very low.

Attempting this is futile. How can you know how much voltage to give them? what if their voltage is constantly in flux?

This will never work. Its too unstable.

Constantly monitoring voltage becomes a full time job.

This becomes a living hell when one person denies they have cracked wires and says that all the electrical irregularity is coming from you.

You might believe it at first, and work on your wires in the hope that it will fix the problem. But on a whole, one persons wires cannot repair another persons wires.

Solution: one has to take ownership of their wires and repair them. Spend time to properly insulate them.

my exBPD wife and I both have broken wires. It felt magical to boost each others voltage. But we both need to untangle the wires take  ownership of them and repair them for a healthy relationship.

She is in denial of her broken wires and is looking for someone or something else for voltage.

But I know better, that is doomed. I need to untangle my wires and learn how insulate them.

THIS IS WHAT I NEED HELP WITH.

[LaSuede]

Word.

Will read that book too, thanks for the tip.

I am a docu-filmmaker, so I am not thinking in wires  , but I do think in truth and non-truth.

I believe there is 3 truths in a relationship:

Yours.

Mine.

And the truth... .

The truth you can only see. It can not be feelings, thoughts or believes.

It can not be anything from within.

Meanwhile of course what you feel is true to you!

A feeling itself, as a feeling is always true (I feel anxious, afraid, lonely).

And if the wires are a mess, you might see "the truth", what actually happened, with the wrong pixel-rate or disorted somehow... .so that is when even more feelings, thoughts and believes kick in.

I believe I have made my pwBPDex wrong too, at times.

I have understood it the most when he calmly has told me an action, a reality has led to a certain bad feeling for him. No matter wrong or right, "true or false".

That way of 50% + 50%.

Even if you have broken wires, sometimes the communication can really function.

I have seen that with my ex, all the times he has started to work on himself.

There is when the hopes are raised.

My dream, this will work, this will be fixed, soon... .

"I see what you see. I want to grow with you."

So we can start have an agreement.

About what is true, and how to handle it.

You made me understand your reality and I can agree to changse some things.

If we get the spirit to continue calmly,

He has had healthy, good "agreements" with me too.

Its' just that they constantly change... .

So there is no real agreement, cause they are broken, torned apart -

over and over again.

That is the truth living with a pwBPD.

No matter your own wires or theirs.

You might find ways to raise yourself over it.

For us it took too long before my ex got the diagnose.

At that time I had gone sick. Or to say it more correct: I had let myself go sick... .

I suffer from PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) since quite a time now.

Then it's not only your wires that are broken.

You have become absolutely allergic to your partner.

If with a healthy normal person, you would have been considered a bit out of function. Someone that needs space, help, ways to find back.

With my  pwBPDex it trigged him the most - to go take drugs or be with prostitutes. Cause the one that was there to fix him, was broken!

Of course his wires needed other chargement then... !

And what happens to me? The stress increase, not decrease - and I get soon totally out of function.

But I can not, cause we have kids. And he is the one, no matter situation (even when I have been operated) the one that needs the most, is the biggest victim... .

Here is the point:

You will not fully get what you need, in a relationship with a pwBPD, especially not when you need it the most.

It's not only about being an adult and put yourself over it.

It's also about the fact that as a human being you can stand certain things until you break.

Especially if a bit wrong with the wires from the beginning... .

So I can ruminate, feel guilty, wonder about the love, why.

Meanwhile I must see:

I got sick - way sicker than I was from the beginning. So:

1) I need to cure from the relationship (as in any divorce or break up)

2) I need to cure from the actual damage it made me, emotionally, physically or both (even economically and practically)

3) And I need to cure from the fact I once choosed him - there is when the real job starts for sure.

I will start read that book now. Thanks.

(I will stop read "Loving someone with BPD" - it was a lie to order that, he was already way gone... .)

LaSuede

[nevaeh]

The way they detach, when you, yourself are in such un-graspable pain.

My best friend, the most empathic person I know, said recently - "I don't understand how I can help you, why you are so messed up, what to say this time -  it's just not understandable for me, after all he had done, why are you not just relieved... ?"

Then going in here and knowing we are in somehow a "secret club".

I am so grateful for all of you.

Sometimes I hear myself answer to those questions: "I know, I read more and more about it, and it's normal to be totally damaged... ."

I know my friends/family probably think the same thing.  I haven't actually told H that I want a divorce yet but I have made a commitment to myself that I have to do it now or I will live the rest of my life in misery.  I know I will be hurting for him when it is happening and I will suffer a tremendous amount of pain (for him = empathy).  However, I think on my own behalf I WILL feel a tremendous amount of relief!  I just don't know yet if that feeling of relief will outweigh my feelings of guilt.  I hope it will. 

It is so nice to have this place to come to, where you all know exactly how this feels.  To not be judged for being "stupid" enough to stay with a person who makes you so miserable.  It doesn't make sense why we do it, especially to those not like us or those not living it. 

I suffer from PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) since quite a time now.

Then it's not only your wires that are broken.

You have become absolutely allergic to your partner.

If with a healthy normal person, you would have been considered a bit out of function. Someone that needs space, help, ways to find back.

With my  pwBPDex it trigged him the most - to go take drugs or be with prostitutes. Cause the one that was there to fix him, was broken!

Of course his wires needed other chargement then... !

And what happens to me? The stress increase, not decrease - and I get soon totally out of function.

But I can not, cause we have kids. And he is the one, no matter situation (even when I have been operated) the one that needs the most, is the biggest victim... .

Here is the point:

You will not fully get what you need, in a relationship with a pwBPD, especially not when you need it the most.

It's not only about being an adult and put yourself over it.

It's also about the fact that as a human being you can stand certain things until you break.

Especially if a bit wrong with the wires from the beginning... .

So I can ruminate, feel guilty, wonder about the love, why.

Meanwhile I must see:

I got sick - way sicker than I was from the beginning. So:

1) I need to cure from the relationship (as in any divorce or break up)

2) I need to cure from the actual damage it made me, emotionally, physically or both (even economically and practically)

3) And I need to cure from the fact I once choosed him - there is when the real job starts for sure.

This is profound and very true for me as well.  My uBPDh has gone through periods where he has wanted to and has tried to "change" and be better.  And it usually works for a time, sometimes longer than others.  But, for me, the constant up and down has killed me.  It has been 18 years of up and downs, back and forths.  I feel completely exhausted.  I am depressed.  I feel helpless.  Yet, it hurts so much to think about divorcing him. 

The thing that has always struck me is that EVERYTHING depends on where my H is at, emotionally.  If he was happy, we were all happy.  If he was angry/dysregulated, we were all stressed out and nervous.  I ALWAYS have to be calm and happy and appear stress-free (even when I am freaking out internally) because any outward signs of stress on my part trigger H to become on edge and potentially to rage about something.  H recently "moved out" of our bedroom for 3 nights and gave me the silent treatment because I called him out on an interaction he had with our S12.  He doesn't like to be disagreed with so he got pissed and started throwing things around and then moved to the guest room.  Then, magically, 3 days later he moves "back" to our room and our bed, without even thinking to ask me if it was OK.  I guess I didn't ask him to sleep elsewhere so he figured he didn't need to ask permission. 

Anyway, you are so right that we eventually become so sick that we become part of the "problem", so to speak.  What you say that ruminates with me especially is that I can't fix him but I can try to fix myself, to make myself healthy, and I know that the ONLY way I can even begin to to that is if I am divorced from him.  To not do this is to basically sign my own death warrant.  Thank you for the way you worded this because it really resonated with me and is helping me with getting to where I need to be in order to finally tell H I want a divorce.

Hugs... .

[LaSuede]

18 years, I can just imagine... .

You must be strong.

Very.

And therefore you have the strength to get healthy too.

I wish you the best.

And yes, guilt is a very big part to deal with.

For me it was.

Horrible.

Look at it this way:

You have done your best.

Him too, I suppose.

And it starts to kill you. So what more can you do?

Try to transfer that guilt into empathy for yourself.

And the kids!

Kids get really affected by drama... .

Put focus where your empathy, your love, your concerns are worth something.

Cause that you should never change.

Your warmth.