to sleep with or not?

[bruisedbattered]

Hi,  im now 1 week no contact and my x has been trying to lure me in with sex.   

She says we dont have to be friends, and can pretend to be strangers in public, but wants to continue having sexual relations... .   I m so tempted, and am having a hard time resisting.   Im near breaking, but trying to hold on to nc.   Is it possible to only have a sexual relationship with a BPD?  nevermind my emotional torment, and the fact I might get drawn back in hell... .  I know ive probably answered my own question, but any advice or experience would be helpful. 

[2pts]

I feel your pain brother. I'm only a couple days in and am dreading that message.

I think we both know the answer though.

[iLoveHer2.0]

ahhhh yes... .friends with benefits... .

we ALL know the sex is fantastic, likely the BEST you ever had and she makes you feel like a porn star! My ex lured me into the same type of arrangement, LAST YEAR and she STILL has me wrapped around her finger for the most part a YEAR later. I'm still involved in all the pain and torment a year later, do you want to be like me?

So me and EVERY other person on this board will tell you not to... .but I also know you might not listen and head back for more (Cuz I have)... .so I say this. Don't be like me, don't do it! You might think it's just sex, but trust me, it's not.

Stay strong, stay NC... .if you need be, I'll be trying to practice what I preach... .

[emotionaholic]

Whether or not she can have a purely sexual relationship or not.  I think the big question can you have just a sexual relationship without letting your emotions in.  I would be willing to bet that neither of you could not.

[alliance]

People with BPD are master manipulators and sex is their weapon.

How masochistic are you willing to be?

[EdR]

My opinion is actually a little different from the above... .

I know people with BPD have hurt you guys a lot, but they are still human beings and imo worthy of your respect.

They're going through a lot as well...

If you would go along with such an agreement, who actually is the manipulator? You are using her (or him) just as much as she/he's using you.

So I'm really sorry if this offends someone, but I really don't understand how you could do something like this if you're really separated and done with (which seems the requirement for posting her).

[Waifed]

After we broke up my ex asked me if I would continue to have sex with her even after I remarried someone else.  What the heck is that other than pure craziness?  I did think for a while that I would be willing to have sex with her in the future after I got over her (and was not remarried), but what good would it do?  I would risk the chance of getting hooked again and she would become totally obsessed if I was having sex with her less any emotions.  

[bruisedbattered]

We all have needs, emotional and physical.  I dont think it fair that our needs have to take a back seat to BPD's.  I realize they are ill, but it seems to me to be a very convenient disorder to have.    Sorry if I sound horrible... just how I feel.  I realize Id probably never want to walk a day in their shoes.  Hopefully I can meet a sane woman with whom I can share my dreams, joy, pain, love etc... .  Hopefully we all can.

[strikeforce]

My opinion is actually a little different from the above... .

I know people with BPD have hurt you guys a lot, but they are still human beings and imo worthy of your respect.

They're going through a lot as well...

If you would go along with such an agreement, who actually is the manipulator? You are using her (or him) just as much as she/he's using you.

So I'm really sorry if this offends someone, but I really don't understand how you could do something like this if you're really separated and done with (which seems the requirement for posting her).

I completely agree with this 100%

The best thing to do is cut them off and move on, they are mentally ill.

It hurts but they have the emotional age of a young child, that's what puts me off ever going back.

[Conundrum]

I cannot comment on a consensual quid pro quo between a private couple, but the premised "we aren't friends" and "we'll pretend to be strangers in public," aligns too neatly with borderline traits.  Wearing masks, juggling disconnects, and objectifying needs to that degree will damage your psyche. Agreeing to turn "faux borderline" for a carrot, in short order will leave you feeling empty. Those terms sound extremely cold and alienating, whether disordered or not.           

[eyvindr]

In a word: NO!

Unless, that is, you want to be back in the r-ship. Because that's what you'd be deciding to do. Think it through -- let's say your ex persuades you that this is a workable arrangement, and you agree. Both of you even agree that you're going to see other people, and agree that it won't be an issue, because you've talked about it (don't they always tell us as long as we talk about it, and we're not keeping secrets, it's ok?), and you've both agreed (aren't they the best people we know at keeping agreements and holding up their end of the bargain?).

So, let's say, just for discussion purposes, that you both go for it. And it's great. Until the day comes when s/he tells you (or doesn't, for that matter) that s/he wants to focus on another r-ship. Or is falling in love with someone else. Or, better -- you have to tell him/her the same thing. How will that go? Can you handle it? Can s/he?

Pretty clear in my mind.

EdR --

Very insightful question here! --

My opinion is actually a little different from the above... .

I know people with BPD have hurt you guys a lot, but they are still human beings and imo worthy of your respect.

They're going through a lot as well...

If you would go along with such an agreement, who actually is the manipulator? You are using her (or him) just as much as she/he's using you.

[Waifed]

Just wear a condom if you do!

[willbegood]

I've had the ex who I slept with and anytime we needed a date for a social event we went together. In the end someone usually gets hurt a little. Someone has to eventually move on.

Sleeping with the exBPD seems way too risky for me. Even if it was months later and no longer emotionally attached I thinks it's still risky, let alone a week later. I'd say if you sleep with the exBPD be prepared for the pain which inevitably will follow. 

[eyvindr]

Or, god forbid -- some kind of entrapment, if they are feeling vengeful -- which could easily be triggered if you reach that point where you have to tell them that you've met someone else that you really like and want to pursue a monogamous r-ship with them. YIKES!

[bpdspell]

Not to be blunt but imagine having sex with a three year old and that's your answer.

[DragoN]

Sex without emotions with someone you were in love with or a previous r/s?

With a BPD who may have abused you, or cheated on you? Then who is compartmentalizing? The Non or the BPD?  Not even a question of manipulation when both parties are in agreement.

I could not nor would I choose to do it. Mine field of emotionally volcanic proportions.

[thisyoungdad]

Someone else said it, my brother has even told me this as I have gone to him with the same struggle before. He said that the best sex he ever has had in his life was with the "crazy ones" as he termed it. He also said it is not worth it just for the sex. So yes the sex with them is fantastic! I was just remembering today in fact. That crazy mental illness makes the sex more fun, at least for me it was true. I also know for me I couldn't do it without getting sucked in emotionally.

However, I liked what someone said about is it respectful of them? If I think about it, I want to respect my ex especially bc we have a kid. Now i don't like the woman at the moment, and if she propositioned me it would be tough but she deserves as much respect as I deserve, and I deserve to give myself that respect. So I would say brother don't do it. Tempting yes... .but beware. It is like the wolf in sheep's clothing. It wouldn't be just about sex to them either, no matter what they would say.

[Ironmanrises]

Hi,  im now 1 week no contact and my x has been trying to lure me in with sex.   

She says we dont have to be friends, and can pretend to be strangers in public, but wants to continue having sexual relations... .   I m so tempted, and am having a hard time resisting.   Im near breaking, but trying to hold on to nc.   Is it possible to only have a sexual relationship with a BPD?  nevermind my emotional torment, and the fact I might get drawn back in hell... .  I know ive probably answered my own question, but any advice or experience would be helpful. 

In bold.

Your emotional torment... .

While getting drawn back in hell... .

Will increase exponentially... .

Because you will begin... .

To invest feelings... .

Right back into... .

The very person... .

That will only hurt you... .

Again... .

And again.

Having sex or not... .

With the pwBPD... .

Will be the least of your worries.

She will hurt you.

Hang in there.

[goldylamont]

just throwing this out there--there's plenty of healthy people who have amazing sex too. i for one don't think crazy people are better in bed, please they don't deserve that much credit.

[DragoN]

i for one don't think crazy people are better in bed, please they don't deserve that much credit.

2nd that.

[Learning_curve74]

Someone else said it, my brother has even told me this as I have gone to him with the same struggle before. He said that the best sex he ever has had in his life was with the "crazy ones" as he termed it. He also said it is not worth it just for the sex.

I think this is overgeneralizing. Also a huge component of sex is emotional, so that might say more about your brother than it says about the "crazy ones"? And I'm not saying emotional as in necessarily some deep connection, which it could be, but emotional can mean feeling high on the fact that he's about to bang some hot crazy chick.

[Numbers]

Now, let's see... .what was my biggest mistake in BPD relationship?

To enter into it? No, I had no idea such people exist and was blind to red flags.

To stay despite devaluation from day one? Nope, it was my choice that imagined intimacy was more important then my self-respect.

To forgive numerous triangulations? Nah, I still believed then that love conquers all.

My ultimate mistake was to fall for "Coffee, cookies, sex?" text 2 months into our first breakup.

This led to absolutely devastating year and a half, that cost me dearly.

They never forget enything, and she will make you pay dearly. Now, it is your choice to go back in or not, we can help you with our experiences, and you should be aware that there is a pattern of behaviors. Also, there is no such thing as free lunch, even in relationships. And you will just be adding to balance.

NB, funny, when I think back to that text, even these words were a lie. I got coffee, some sex that she clearly did not enjoy, but she lied about the cookies.

[saw_tooth]

Sex helps a BPD feel validated and temporarily boosts their almost non-existent self -esteem.They feel no emotional intimacy because their disorder renders them incapable of it.

You will be sucked into her world yet again,used for validation and spit out as many times as you allow it.

Don't let her hurt you any more than she already has.

Stay NC and stay strong,we are all there for you.

[eyvindr]

Numbers! -- good to see you! How've you been?

NB, funny, when I think back to that text, even these words were a lie. I got coffee, some sex that she clearly did not enjoy, but she lied about the cookies.

Remember our solidarity cheer from a year ago? -- "Remember the Pumpkin Strudel!" 

saw_tooth --

Sex helps a BPD feel validated and temporarily boosts their almost non-existent self -esteem.They feel no emotional intimacy because their disorder renders them incapable of it.

Also one of the ways many -- w/ and w/out personality disorders -- self-soothe. The endorphins released during sex flood our brains with positive vibes. To a pwBPD, good feelings = good. "I feel good, therefore I am good."

To quote Ironmanfalls, "I really f¥cking hate this disorder." Even turns the joy of sex on its head.

[ShadowDancer]

Several weeks after our parting I was offered the crazy sex as well. It was rather provocative in presentation in that she just began to remove her clothes after a dinner engagement together after I accompanied her into her house. I said "no, no I do not think this is what we should be doing now". She replied that "no man says no to this". I paused for a second and the best I could say in the moment was,"well I guess I will be the first", and walked out.

She sent some sweet texts for a short time. Then came the e-mail that basically said "I'm so happy that you are finally letting me go. Maybe now you can come out of the closet. You don't have to hide it anymore".  At that point I've remained STRICT NC.

The way I figure it is you are darned if you do go for more sex, and darned if you don't. In hindsight I believe my route was the shortest path to the inevitable final outcome.  

[EdR]

She sent some sweet texts for a short time. Then came the e-mail that basically said "I'm so happy that you are finally letting me go. Maybe now you can come out of the closet. You don't have to hide it anymore".  At that point I've remained STRICT NC.

I have said what I wanted to say in this topic. In all seriousness and openness. So the next part I am going to write down now, doesn't change that... .

But... .it must be my twisted sense of humor... .but that made me laugh. She really had a sense of humor. (sorry  )

[ShadowDancer]

She sent some sweet texts for a short time. Then came the e-mail that basically said "I'm so happy that you are finally letting me go. Maybe now you can come out of the closet. You don't have to hide it anymore".  At that point I've remained STRICT NC.

I have said what I wanted to say in this topic. In all seriousness and openness. So the next part I am going to write down now, doesn't change that... .

But... .it must be my twisted sense of humor... .but that made me laugh. She really had a sense of humor. (sorry   )

Don't be sorry at all. I have a fairly twisted up sense of humor as well. I am able to chuckle about it "now" as well. Then... .I was different then.

[EdR]

She sent some sweet texts for a short time. Then came the e-mail that basically said "I'm so happy that you are finally letting me go. Maybe now you can come out of the closet. You don't have to hide it anymore".  At that point I've remained STRICT NC.

I have said what I wanted to say in this topic. In all seriousness and openness. So the next part I am going to write down now, doesn't change that... .

But... .it must be my twisted sense of humor... .but that made me laugh. She really had a sense of humor. (sorry  )

Don't be sorry at all. I have a fairly twisted up sense of humor as well. I am able to chuckle about it "now" as well. Then... .I was different then.

Thank you! :-) Yeah, I understand. You still made the right decision though ;-)

[ShadowDancer]

I do have to admit at the time it took me a minute to figure out what she was saying. I was like... .closet, what closet? Sheesh... .those were the "days" I'd rather not repeat.

[Century2012]

Oh, sweetheart (as we say in the South), if my ex showed up, I would be naked in a heartbeat. But I know my heart would ache afterwards.

Be strong.