My problem with medium chill on special occasions.

[nevermore]

Since ending no contact about three years ago I have maintained a medium chill relationship with my BPD mother.  It becomes so much worse during the holidays, birthdays, etc.  She is always invited to attend and we all gather at my house. The problem is she will always sit off by herself even if she is in the same room with everyone. She makes no attempt to be friendly or engage in conversation.  I know that when she talks about the get together she will complain that no one paid any attention to her.  She says "they treat me like a stranger."  This is a group of her children, grandchildren and greatgrandchildren.  When we laugh she thinks we are laughing at her.  When we share stories she smerks and stays far away.  For three years every Christmas, Thanksgiving, birthdays, 4th of July, Easter, Mother's Day, etc. has been pretty miserable for me.  I don't spend my time with everyone else because I feel pulled to try to include her.  This year I am changing that.  I will let her know before she gets here that she needs to either join in or accept that she will be sitting alone because I am going to enjoy my family. 

As is so often the case, if the whole crowd isn't giving her their undivided attention then she makes it about her by being miserable.  Here's to changing the way I react to little pouty ways.

[Cheshire]

When I found this site over a year ago and read about medium chill, I thought, "gee, I guess I've been using that method for a couple decades now... ." It gets the job done for short term exposures, but it is my belief that a price must be paid to maintain it. I went no-contact two years ago last month and have spent a lot of the time since reflecting on my coping strategies I used to employ. I came to think of medium chill as an emotion-draining Vulcan-like zen state. It kept me from provoking my mother for years. I learned it so well and used it so often as a kid that I lost my self almost completely. I am spending a lot of time in therapy getting back in touch with myself, but I came to realize that the duration of my time under her reign has precluded the chance I can ever return. I can never see her again, and if I do, no amount of chill, medium or otherwise will be possible. Use this sparingly. It has a price.

[nevermore]

Cheshire, you have opened up my eyes.  I am leaving myself out of my special occasions to avoid setting her off.  Maybe medium chill with frequent contact is creating more inner turmoil for me while giving her the perfect living conditions. She continues to call daily and spew her negative outlook on the world, list her complaints and feel heard. I, on the other hand, am left to spend the day replaying her words and thinking "what a creepy person."  I really do have to make the holidays different this year even if she gets set off. She could live another decade and will have missed my own life.  Thank you.    You should start a new thread about the price of medium chill.

[larmieq]

"This year I am changing that.  I will let her know before she gets here that she needs to either join in or accept that she will be sitting alone because I am going to enjoy my family.  "


I think this is awesome!  Create the life you want.  She makes her own choices.  Holidays should be happy times filled with fun and love.

I cannot have that if my uBPD is around.