Mother with BPD. Need advice

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello,

I've come to this site after recently finding out that the cause of my mothers behavior is "BPD". As an 18 year old, it is extremely difficult to cope with the reality I'm in, especially because my parents got divorced a year ago and I'm not living at home anymore. The divorce itself has engulfed me in a depression that thank gd I'm able to break free of on a normal day because I enjoy being happy. But the more I learn about BPD and the struggles it inflicts my mothers brain with is bringing me grief. I'm understanding that the core is that she has low self confidence and fears being abandoned - but here we are, her family has abandoned her and she lives without a job in her parents home away from her children. As her only daughter, I'm the one she turns to for support and love, so I'm stuck as the daughter who must parent her own mother. She believes everyone is out to get her, especially my brothers and father. Though I love spending time with her and want to talk on the phone, she has no control over herself and what she says. She triggers things that really upset me, but I just can't abandon her. I simply can't hear about every job interview and let down, or tell her where to live. It's unnatural. So I'm depressed with the grief of not having the mother or family most teenagers deserve. Ps I'm working with a therapist on creating boundaries, but it's easier said than done. Any advice or insights are welcome.

-sunshine

[Sunshine52]

Hello,

I've come to this site after recently finding out that the cause of my mothers behavior is "BPD". As an 18 year old, it is extremely difficult to cope with the reality I'm in, especially because my parents got divorced a year ago and I'm not living at home anymore. The divorce itself has engulfed me in a depression that thank gd I'm able to break free of on a normal day because I enjoy being happy. But the more I learn about BPD and the struggles it inflicts my mothers brain with is bringing me grief. I'm understanding that the core is that she has low self confidence and fears being abandoned - but here we are, her family has abandoned her and she lives without a job in her parents home away from her children. As her only daughter, I'm the one she turns to for support and love, so I'm stuck as the daughter who must parent her own mother. She believes everyone is out to get her, especially my brothers and father. Though I love spending time with her and want to talk on the phone, she has no control over herself and what she says. She triggers things that really upset me, but I just can't abandon her. I simply can't hear about every job interview and let down, or tell her where to live. It's unnatural. So I'm depressed with the grief of not having the mother or family most teenagers deserve. Ps I'm working with a therapist on creating boundaries, but it's easier said than done. Any advice or insights are welcome.

-sunshine

[DreamFlyer99]

Well, first off, have you come to the right place!



You've done a great job of describing the whole push-pull, conflicting feelings of what you're dealing with. The great news for you is that BPD family can absolutely provide tools for better communication with your mom, how to cope better because you can understand her triggers (and your own, awesome that you recognize that because i'm 4 decades older than you and i'm still learning about mine!) plus get some guidance in learning to set boundaries. Everything you've talked about many of us in the community have experienced, and on each of the more relationship-specific boards there are senior members with loads of experience and knowledge who can help you through the whole process.

Of course you're grieving over the loss of the mom relationship you would hope to have... .I've been there myself, my mother had both BPD and Narcissistic traits so we kids were great when she was happy and huge disappointments when she was unhappy. Crazy-making for sure.

i'm really impressed that you've recognized the places you need to grow, as a teen. Our mental and emotional health either really helps us in life or throws us off the scent of the life we want to have. Such a wise choice to get help at this point in your life!

There's a boundaries workshop on here that I really learned a lot from: BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence. There's a lot of practical advice in it. I've struggled with the idea of healthy boundaries forever, but in this community it's so easy to ask questions and get the help of those senior members and talk with others who have been in your situation.

Like you said, creating boundaries is easier said than done, but it's just a practice thing like everything else you've learned to do. i'm definitely a turtle in the learning-to-apply race, but slow and steady does win the race... .eventually.

It's all a process, Sunshine, and does take time, and some days we apply those boundaries and tools better than other days. Explore the website, there's a lot of interesting and helpful info here and lots of people to talk to. Glad you're here! 

[Justme1]

First off, welcome!

As a 22-year old, I feel like I can definitely relate to being young, newly out on your own, still loving your BPDm, but needing to create boundaries. We've been dealing with this our whole lives, but now that we're at this point of transition. Many people our age have the benefit of a parent who guides them through it, but here we are warding off verbal abuse and consoling our mothers while dealing with all these new things in our lives on our own.

It's not easy, and it's a long process. But you're an incredibly strong person for having lived through what you've already experienced, and because you've recognized your mom's illness and are dealing with it at such an early age. You're starting the healing process early compared to most!

I wish you all the best! 

[PrettyPlease]

Hi Sunshine52,

I had a uBPD/NPD mother and father pair (now deceased), so I recognize your situation and questions, from long experience. I echo the other posters in being impressed that you can express what's happening so well so soon. I also agree that reading more here, in the workshops and various boards, will be a good idea. For example, most boards have workshops listed in the right column; like Understanding the Effects of Growing Up in a BPD Environment, which might be a good one to look at.

There are also excellent books reviewed in the Books board, such as "Understanding The Borderline Mother" and "The Narcissistic Family", both of which I have read and consider excellent.

The key point in both of those books, really, is something you've already expressed very well in your post:

I'm the one she turns to for support and love, so I'm stuck as the daughter who must parent her own mother.

This is, as you say, unnatural. It's also very insidious, having started when we were infants, and we end up thinking we are 'stuck' and 'must' do it.

But this is not our job. Our job is to get unstuck, and do something else. And that's what all the reading will help orient you towards, and give you tools to do.

Welcome!

PP

[sophiegirl]

Hello! its great you are looking for help early! I am 47 and really only now getting to grips with the mind of my BPD mother. I would have loved to know all this at 18 and I am confident you will be able to set your boundaries and live your own life. My mother frequently points out that 'its a daughters duty to... .xyz etc' but you see actually its not. It is not our duty to be our mothers little parent it is our duty to enjoy our own lives and it is a parents duty to allow that to happen. Good luck with your journey. Stay strong and keep in touch with this board it is truly empowering x