Communicating With stbxwBPD By Computer

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I posted this a few days ago, something she had written in Word for me to find. She does write stuff to others, herself, but she left this one undeleted. Here is what she wrote again, in blue, and in italics is the response I wrote out last night. This might not be good (part of me thinks it isn't), as I don't want to trigger anything, but I couldn't help myself... .Apologies for plagiarizing a phrase or two I picked up from some of you here.

"I’m sorry that I could not make you happy. I’m sorry that I kill your happiness of been (sic) with me. As I looked through our pictures, I could see your bored some and unhappiness. From the bottom of my heart I truly wish that you find the happiness you deserve. I will always be grateful for the children WE have together, for caring and loving me. I’m sorry I could not be better."

You see what you see through the clouded lens of your emotions… rooted long before me. Look at the photo of us and the look on your face and [S3] in his room. A little over 2 short years ago when I was the Love, The One you could be with. Then look at the recent one, at your face.  Love based upon (meeting) someone’s needs isn’t love. Neither is love based upon someone loving you back. I was discarded like the others (though in the worst way possible), and like the ones to come. To a certain extent I know you can’t help it. The pain I triggered (my role in this, among others) ultimately has nothing to do with me. But I became the trigger, and therefore had to be discarded to alleviate your pain. The trigger will come again, like it was with [previous bf almost 2 years previous to us], with whom you were far more enamored than me. Same play, different actors. I understand far more than you think I do, and care far more than you think I do, like what I told you last night. I finally understand what is going on, and has from the beginning. I see what you leave for me, I know far more than you think I do about you and the POS I hope to never meet (you’ve repeated patterns from your past before me, I see them). And I still wanted to work it out (that’s love, btw, love based on someone not loving you back, because I knew you didn’t), but it was too late… I knew you couldn’t.  It was too late 25 years ago. Not talking to you or spending time with you may seem cruel, but it is because I need to stop being devalued and value myself. It is also because I care about you, and you cannot truly grow until we detach, as much as that is possible. I was a 6 year pause in a way… Your pain, though I triggered it, has nothing to do with me. You, however, are now my pain, so congratulations on that, making me feel and now take on yours… as much as it is possible. I know logically exactly what is going on inside you (especially based upon what I have learned in the past two months about a great many things), but I can never feel it like you do, even an empathetic soul as I (something I withdrew, for a time… to protect myself, which triggered your abandonment fears and those of your own self-devaluation). I will always be the emotional Caretaker to some extent… if only because of the kids. A poor deal for me, good for someone else, but that is reality. Goodbye… and I will see you soon. (don’t respond, though I know you want to… not sure how healthy this is, as these conversations usually devolve)

[Turkish]

I posted this a few days ago, something she had written in Word for me to find. She does write stuff to others, herself, but she left this one undeleted. Here is what she wrote again, in blue, and in italics is the response I wrote out last night. This might not be good (part of me thinks it isn't), as I don't want to trigger anything, but I couldn't help myself... .Apologies for plagiarizing a phrase or two I picked up from some of you here.

"I’m sorry that I could not make you happy. I’m sorry that I kill your happiness of been (sic) with me. As I looked through our pictures, I could see your bored some and unhappiness. From the bottom of my heart I truly wish that you find the happiness you deserve. I will always be grateful for the children WE have together, for caring and loving me. I’m sorry I could not be better."

You see what you see through the clouded lens of your emotions… rooted long before me. Look at the photo of us and the look on your face and [S3] in his room. A little over 2 short years ago when I was the Love, The One you could be with. Then look at the recent one, at your face.  Love based upon (meeting) someone’s needs isn’t love. Neither is love based upon someone loving you back. I was discarded like the others (though in the worst way possible), and like the ones to come. To a certain extent I know you can’t help it. The pain I triggered (my role in this, among others) ultimately has nothing to do with me. But I became the trigger, and therefore had to be discarded to alleviate your pain. The trigger will come again, like it was with [previous bf almost 2 years previous to us], with whom you were far more enamored than me. Same play, different actors. I understand far more than you think I do, and care far more than you think I do, like what I told you last night. I finally understand what is going on, and has from the beginning. I see what you leave for me, I know far more than you think I do about you and the POS I hope to never meet (you’ve repeated patterns from your past before me, I see them). And I still wanted to work it out (that’s love, btw, love based on someone not loving you back, because I knew you didn’t), but it was too late… I knew you couldn’t.  It was too late 25 years ago. Not talking to you or spending time with you may seem cruel, but it is because I need to stop being devalued and value myself. It is also because I care about you, and you cannot truly grow until we detach, as much as that is possible. I was a 6 year pause in a way… Your pain, though I triggered it, has nothing to do with me. You, however, are now my pain, so congratulations on that, making me feel and now take on yours… as much as it is possible. I know logically exactly what is going on inside you (especially based upon what I have learned in the past two months about a great many things), but I can never feel it like you do, even an empathetic soul as I (something I withdrew, for a time… to protect myself, which triggered your abandonment fears and those of your own self-devaluation). I will always be the emotional Caretaker to some extent… if only because of the kids. A poor deal for me, good for someone else, but that is reality. Goodbye… and I will see you soon. (don’t respond, though I know you want to… not sure how healthy this is, as these conversations usually devolve)

[Ironmanrises]

Turkish... .

In blue... .

Her words... .

As heart wrenching... .

As it was to read... .

For you... .

I can certainly imagine.

My eyes welled up reading that... .

As I remembered... .

My exUBPDgf... .

Saying not too dissimilar things... .

Is that... .

All of that was real.

But... .

Real... .

Until she was triggered.

Real... .

That lasted from Point A... .

To Point B.

And then... .

Those words... .

Those feelings... .

That were real... .

Vanish.

Disappear.

And you are left... .

Remembering them... .

Because they are real... .

Because they were said... .

With such conviction... .

And now... .

No longer are there.

All transitory.

Momentary.

And that is damaging.

We are left with the lasting... .

Remembrance... .

Of words... .

And feelings... .

That are transitory... .

And fleeting... .

To the pwBPD.

Hang in there Turkish.

[Turkish]

Hang in there Turkish.

Thanks, I-man. I am getting better day by day. I keep this in mind because you are right. The feelings she shows are transitory. In that, and the few short notes I found in her journal... .all I see is about her. I, I, I. They are so wrapped up in themselves., The lack of true empathy, just a shadow of what nons feel. It helps me to not "want" her. It is alien.

All of the other typical BPD behaviors I could actually work with. But the ultimate betrayal, that I will always remember. The pathological lying. The party girl (who wasn't like this before!) who went out to a costume party at the club last night as we put our kids to sleep... .This is something so fundamentally different to my value system... .I wonder why I even was with this person in the first place. I keep that at the front of my mind. Unfortunately, I will see her every week, multiple times a week, for at least the next 17 years :^(

[Changingman]

I'm out of a uBPDgf relationship that lasted 4 years, (or 3 because we 'haven't really been together for a year now'. I had no idea that BPD EXISTED. What I found out that was most important was that a previous relationship that I'd had (14 years and 2 beautiful kids) was also BPD. The same Traits just a different flavour, the former one couldn't drink lots physically the latter one like a fish. I've been able to talk to the children (D15, S14) in a more informed way to help them shed some of the toxic filth she creates.

Push/Pull, Black/White thinking, pathological lying etc and most of all Projection. The FOG they create is amazing, different style same system... Years wasted still thinking I was in some way... .damaged as a soul. Why on earth did I end up twice with these demons, it must be me, I bring out this craziness in them. Not all my relationships have been like this BUT.

I thought how terrible that I couldn't phone my Mum and talk about it, like I know my kids would/have if they are hurting. I can't phone my mother because she is not talking to me over 'the way i live my life' ? Boom! There you have it. Now I have the answer, now the hard work of healing begins. I don't have BPD, I'm just trying to heal BPD relationships without knowing what it is. What a f******** waste of our time. Let them be the selfish, crazy, vengeful, Narsisistic demons that they are with one less real person to torture. They live in hell, and they will drag you to that place given enough time. My ex told me those very words a month after our first baby. I thought she was being dramatic. I have a great relationship with the kids and that is amazing. They are wind up dolls repeating themselves endlessly, see that and stop engaging with them as normal. I feel your pain. Ignore her. Love your children and yourself.