It seems impossible...

[Bananas]

I don't let many people in.  At all.  I let him in.  Trusting someone enough to do that again seems like an impossible task to me.  I can't fathom it.  Never felt this way before.  Anyone felt that way and got past it?  What helped you?  How did you do it?   

[laelle]

Hey Bananas,

I am trying to understand your question better... Are you doubting your own judgement because you have been very careful about the people in your life in the past

or

are you beating yourself up because someone that you trusted whacked you upside the head and threw you headfirst into a pool of pain and emptiness?

They are similar questions with similar answers but the understanding of them is different.

You doubt your own judgment now because who you are and what you stand for was seriously damaged in the unfolding of your relationship.  You became someone that you did not know or understand, and you question the very nature of yourself and who you are.  You are fine!  You were living under extreme duress and some decisions that you made were being controlled and manipulated by the BPD in your life.  Love yourself a bit and start getting your identity back by identifying the things YOU like... . I started with ice cream, and have now moved on to shoes.  

He can not take those likes from me because he is GONE.

Stop beating yourself up because you were "fooled".  If your ex was BPD, he has been functioning off some really twisted coping skills for a very long time.  Along the way, in order to get his needs met, he had to pick up "pseudo emotions".  People with BPD are extremely intelligent and observant.  They understand people at a level that we could never fathom.

My ex knew my actions and how I would respond before I even knew myself.  I think what is important to note here is that you went up against one of the most controlling, manipulative, psychotic person that you will likely EVER meet. (lets hope)   AND YOU WON!  That says tons about you and your own judgement.

I deal with it by understanding that it was not a fair fight. I did not know it was a competition in judging the value of myself.  I won, I am priceless... .

Oh... .I forgot to mention, but they cant help it.  

 Laelle

[Bananas]

Hi Laelle,

Thank you for the response.  It really makes a lot of sense and I need to keep reminding myself of those things.  I guess I am feeling a little bit of all of the above. 

I have been through a lot and it never stopped me from trusting and taking a risk.  I feel like I can't trust anyone.  I feel like there is too much risk in letting anyone in that it is not worth the potential reward.

But I never really thought of it in the way as a competition of judging my own value, I will have to ponder that a bit. 

I like what you wrote about the ice cream and shoes.  My ex hated Halloween, he said it was stupid, so I never dressed up when I was with him.  I love Halloween.  I dressed up yesterday.  It made me happy. 

[laelle]

What I meant by a competition of judging my value, I meant... .What he felt I was worth vs how much I felt I was worth.  

I did not realize how little I actually thought of myself.  You live and you learn.  I can understand that it is difficult to trust.  It is perfectly ok to take your time before you decide you

are ready to trust again.  You have been through alot, and it takes the time it takes, right?

Ha ha, what did you go dressed as for halloween?  I know how it feels to be belittled for having your own set of likes and dislikes.

You can now enjoy Halloween anyway you would like to!  I love Halloween too, but they do not really celebrate it in France.

[patientandclear]

Bananas -- for what it's worth, I feel the same way.  I think it will be one of the most enduring bad effects of this very damaging experience.

I was pretty much done with relationships after ending a long emotionally & verbally abusive marriage.  I'd learned a lot of lessons, vanquished codependency, cherished my reemergence as an intact person capable of living my own life without being sabotaged.  I wasn't readily going to hitch myself to anyone again.  So the way my ex presented himself had to be pretty compelling to get through that, and it was.  I felt so lucky.  I felt like miraculously, I wasn't going to have to be as tough as I thought I'd have to be -- I actually was going to get to have the companionship and closeness and affection I'd pretty much trained myself not to need.

And then -- it was like I was cuddled up with a bunny that transformed into a cobra and struck.  And now, I simply cannot imagine ever letting someone else in like that.

[fromheeltoheal]

For me it's about healthy boundaries, and having never focused on them, I'm not good at them, but practice makes perfect.  I've been striking up conversations with as many people as possible, I met 12 people today, and also focusing on getting closer to the 2 or 3 real friends I have.  I'm not focusing on romantic relationships right now, but with all this practice, when the right girl shows up, I'll be in top form to help that grow, and my red flag sensor will be finely tuned.  It'a plan.

[Bananas]

Bananas -- for what it's worth, I feel the same way.  I think it will be one of the most enduring bad effects of this very damaging experience.

I was pretty much done with relationships after ending a long emotionally & verbally abusive marriage.  I'd learned a lot of lessons, vanquished codependency, cherished my reemergence as an intact person capable of living my own life without being sabotaged.  I wasn't readily going to hitch myself to anyone again.  So the way my ex presented himself had to be pretty compelling to get through that, and it was.  I felt so lucky.  I felt like miraculously, I wasn't going to have to be as tough as I thought I'd have to be -- I actually was going to get to have the companionship and closeness and affection I'd pretty much trained myself not to need.

And then -- it was like I was cuddled up with a bunny that transformed into a cobra and struck.  And now, I simply cannot imagine ever letting someone else in like that.

P&C Thank you for expressing my feelings way better than I ever could.  This was pretty much exactly my situation.  I wasn't married but one year out of a long emotionally and verbally abusive relationship and felt the same way when I met my ex.  We were friends for quite awhile so he really took his time and made a lot of effort to "get in" and wasted no time or effort in getting out.       

[sheepdog]

Bananas, I kind of understand though my situation was different.  I NEVER trusted anyone, never shared private stuff.  I did with BPD.

Now, I don't want to share with anyone ever again.  I want to just hide inside myself.

[fromheeltoheal]

Bananas, I kind of understand though my situation was different.  I NEVER trusted anyone, never shared private stuff.  I did with BPD.

Now, I don't want to share with anyone ever again.  I want to just hide inside myself.

Problem with that sheepdog, if I may, is humans are social animals hardwired to connect and bond; we don't do nearly as well alone.  I can relate to your mindset, I've spent loads of time alone, but letting the right people in is better, way better.  Just make sure they don't have a serious mental illness that will fck with our psyche, that's what we're here to do, heal and grow so we can upgrade our connections, the ultimate gift from our borderline.

Your post reminded me of a Paul Simon song that has spoken to me over the decades:

A winters day

In a deep and dark December;

I am alone,

Gazing from my window to the streets below

On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.

I am a rock,

I am an island.

I've built walls,

A fortress deep and mighty,

That none may penetrate.

I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.

It's laughter and it's loving I disdain.

I am a rock,

I am an island.

Don't talk of love,

But I've heard the words before;

It's sleeping in my memory.

I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.

If I never loved I never would have cried.

I am a rock,

I am an island.

I have my books

And my poetry to protect me;

I am shielded in my armor,

Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.

I touch no one and no one touches me.

I am a rock,

I am an island.

And a rock feels no pain;

And an island never cries.

[Cumulus]

Hi bananas, your post rings so true to me. Like p+c I was in a long term emotionally and verbally abusive relationship. Was not even aware of that until months after I left him. Looking back I wonder how did I ever allow myself to be so controlled and so unaware. I thought, actually I am, a strong and capable woman, so how did I allow myself to trust and believe in him. Now, I am at the beginning of my first relationship since leaving my xBPDh and I am fearful. I wait for the yelling to begin, I wait for the derogatory comments, I wait to feel manipulated. I think to myself at least in the old relationship I knew him, this relationship is all new and I don't know this man. My rational mind then kicks in and I remind myself I never knew my x. He lived two lives, in the one he lived with me I saw what he knew I wanted to see, I was blind to the other. So how do I learn to trust again? Courage, knowledge, awareness of self needs, and a desire to truly live life. I don't want to end up protecting myself to the extent that I miss out on the rest of my life. Here's to jumping in the deep end!

[fromheeltoheal]

Here's to jumping in the deep end!

And here's to learning how to swim too!

[Bananas]

Thank you everyone for your replies.  It certainly helps to know there are others feeling this way and I am not alone in this.  And it helps to know that others of you have found a way to dive in.  I will try to find that courage again.  I know it is in me somewhere... .

[Suzn]

This is a good plan 

For me it's about healthy boundaries, and having never focused on them, I'm not good at them, but practice makes perfect.  I've been striking up conversations with as many people as possible, I met 12 people today, and also focusing on getting closer to the 2 or 3 real friends I have.  I'm not focusing on romantic relationships right now, but with all this practice, when the right girl shows up, I'll be in top form to help that grow, and my red flag sensor will be finely tuned.  It'a plan.

Bananas how do your resources look? By resources I mean friendship circle, family connections, work, therapist? Fostering healthy relationships with friends and family does make a big difference, practice does make perfect (as close to perfect as humans can be that is). Learning what healthy relationships look like, learning where to place people in your life (meaning how close is ok?). This all takes time. Building up your life around you is a great starting point.

With the information overload that we can experience after learning what we know now, it can be scary to trust again. For me I found avoidance worked really well to keep me safe, in the beginning. It certainly kept me from getting hurt as much, or at least that's what I thought. It's common to feel this way for a while, perfectly normal. Avoidance can hurt you too, eventually, it can keep you from experiencing loving, close relationships. I think we would be missing out if we protected ourselves so closely that we never allowed anyone close again. You have a full range of emotions, each one you have every right to, they're yours. Joy is one of them.

What do your expectations look like? People are remarkably human, they can disappoint, they can also surprise us in good ways. If one can be more accepting of the human condition it seems easier to navigate that fear. In other words, expect human.   

[Bananas]

Thank you suzn.  I do have great resources.  Great family and a very tight group of friends that is really like family, we have been together for a long time and they have helped me through a lot.  And I have a fantastic T that specializes in PTSD and PDs, so he is great at helping me understand but keeping the focus where it should be, on me. 

I guess I am still in the avoidance stage.  I am very shy naturally so it is hard for me to talk to new people to begin with.  I am in no way expecting perfection, that would be scary to me.  My expectations are balanced if I can get there.  I know people make mistakes, I certainly have made a lot.  It's what you do after that counts. 

I am going to really think about and act upon what you wrote, building my life around me, and see what happens.