Close to regressing

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I've been in a foul mood all day, some frustrating real life things going on, and my lack of interest in taking my anti-depressants.

I know, bad call, I need to take them. But sometimes I just think, "what's the use? You're never happy anymore.". And when I get like this, I feel the urge to look up my ex, which in turn upsets me even more. It's as if I am an addict, I get this churning in my gut, anxiety flares to its peaks, and then I have to look her up.

I have to. But I don't want to. Whenever I do, it's never a real win for myself. I just end up adding more things I used to enjoy to my hate list because -she- enjoys them. I have almost nothing left. When I get like this, I don't know what to do.

Hopeless, I feel absolutely hopeless and helpless. I want to see her fall, but all I ever see is how happy she is, cascading her lies to her little friends who eat up everything she says as if she were some new age messiah. And I'm left empty, hateful, alone.

I'm not sure why I'm writing this. Maybe I need validation that I'm not the insane one? Perhaps I am. I feel like I deserve all of this pain, because when I am not like this, I am numb. And I am tired of feeling numb.

[MangoMadness]

I've been in a foul mood all day, some frustrating real life things going on, and my lack of interest in taking my anti-depressants.

I know, bad call, I need to take them. But sometimes I just think, "what's the use? You're never happy anymore.". And when I get like this, I feel the urge to look up my ex, which in turn upsets me even more. It's as if I am an addict, I get this churning in my gut, anxiety flares to its peaks, and then I have to look her up.

I have to. But I don't want to. Whenever I do, it's never a real win for myself. I just end up adding more things I used to enjoy to my hate list because -she- enjoys them. I have almost nothing left. When I get like this, I don't know what to do.

Hopeless, I feel absolutely hopeless and helpless. I want to see her fall, but all I ever see is how happy she is, cascading her lies to her little friends who eat up everything she says as if she were some new age messiah. And I'm left empty, hateful, alone.

I'm not sure why I'm writing this. Maybe I need validation that I'm not the insane one? Perhaps I am. I feel like I deserve all of this pain, because when I am not like this, I am numb. And I am tired of feeling numb.

[Ironmanrises]

I've been in a foul mood all day, some frustrating real life things going on, and my lack of interest in taking my anti-depressants.

I know, bad call, I need to take them. But sometimes I just think, "what's the use? You're never happy anymore.". And when I get like this, I feel the urge to look up my ex, which in turn upsets me even more. It's as if I am an addict, I get this churning in my gut, anxiety flares to its peaks, and then I have to look her up.

I have to. But I don't want to. Whenever I do, it's never a real win for myself. I just end up adding more things I used to enjoy to my hate list because -she- enjoys them. I have almost nothing left. When I get like this, I don't know what to do.

Hopeless, I feel absolutely hopeless and helpless. I want to see her fall, but all I ever see is how happy she is, cascading her lies to her little friends who eat up everything she says as if she were some new age messiah. And I'm left empty, hateful, alone.

I'm not sure why I'm writing this. Maybe I need validation that I'm not the insane one? Perhaps I am. I feel like I deserve all of this pain, because when I am not like this, I am numb. And I am tired of feeling numb.

You are not insane.

I am so sorry you have endured that.

I know how much it hurts.

In bold.

That is the facade... .

That the pwBPD... .

Has to maintain... .

To keep the circle of enablers... .

The fake friends/fake family members... .

From siding with you.

My exUBPDgf exhibited the same... .

Behavior at the end.

She started reading the self help book... .

"The Secret... ."

I f¥cking hate that book.

And via that book... .

She showcased to the whole world... .

On social media... .

How she was in personal development.

All in the while... .

Destroying me... .

Via devaluation... .

In the process.

Her using that book... .

Was the perfect excuse... .

For her facade... .

To appear flawless.

Hang in there.

You are here with us.

We know how you feel.

You are not alone.

[MangoMadness]

I'm so sorry that she did the same crap to you. I know how that feels, all her friends siding with her, and you're the target. You're the bad guy, when in reality you're just hurt and trying to figure out what happened. I'm so sorry, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

I hope things start to look up for you soon. I can see the hurt in your words, and you definitely deserve better as well. Thank you for responding.

[DragoN]

I know, bad call, I need to take them. But sometimes I just think, "what's the use? You're never happy anymore.".

So take the damn things. What's the excuse not to? Too much effort to swallow them?

Why insist on handing over your happiness to someone who cannot appreciate you? Where is that coming from?

Hopeless, I feel absolutely hopeless and helpless. I want to see her fall, but all I ever see is how happy she is, cascading her lies to her little friends who eat up everything she says as if she were some new age messiah. And I'm left empty, hateful, alone.

Hopeless? What of starving children in Africa? Are you in a wheel chair?  Perspective my dear. You are far from hopeless or helpless.

Who cares what she says or does? She is not normal. She is full of crap and you bought into it. That empty feeling is internalizing her crap. Hateful? Ok, but doesn't really help you. Alone? Call up a friend and go to a movie, dinner, hiking anything, but get out there amongst people. It will lighten the load for you.  

Be very careful whom you allow to validate you. And when you hand that power over to a BPD, it will Destroy you. You know who you are. She doesn't. She projected her crap onto you and you bought it. Don't. Send it back where it belongs.

[MangoMadness]

Ha, thank you. I love a good, harsh reply like that. It's mostly because we started our relationship so young, and it lasted for a good few years. Being young and impressionable, I let her words get to me, sting me. Because she was my world, and if she said I wasn't worthy of living, I wasn't going to question.

It being my first involved, serious relationship, I didn't know how I was supposed to be treated. My own mother and father argue constantly, say hurtful things to one another, but are still in a rock solid relationship and love each other--so I never had a good example. But those are my only excuses, I did eventually figure out that what she was saying and doing to me was not justified, and I broke it off by unleashing my years of pent up wrath at her.

I think that's why she hates me all the more, because I am the only one to date who has told her off and for what she is. I'm no coward, nor much an idiot. But I suppose that's a bit double-sided, since I am letting this beast sink her claws into me even after years of separation.

I don't know why I weigh my self worth on what she has said to me, or why I compare myself to her. I suppose I just think it's unfair that she seems to be so happy and successful, whereas I'm so untalented and unhappy in rough comparison.

But I know what you're saying is true; only I can truly convince myself that I am worth so much more. Only I can rule my happiness.

[DragoN]

Harsh? My my... .you should hear what goes on inside my head at myself. . That is brutal self kick up butt. Beastly, but effective.

It's mostly because we started our relationship so young, and it lasted for a good few years. Being young and impressionable, I let her words get to me, sting me. Because she was my world, and if she said I wasn't worthy of living, I wasn't going to question.

What the heck?  

Brutal and wrong answer and you know that.

I did eventually figure out that what she was saying and doing to me was not justified, and I broke it off by unleashing my years of pent up wrath at her.

I think that's why she hates me all the more, because I am the only one to date who has told her off and for what she is. I'm no coward, nor much an idiot. But I suppose that's a bit double-sided, since I am letting this beast sink her claws into me even after years of separation.

I don't know why I weigh my self worth on what she has said to me, or why I compare myself to her. I suppose I just think it's unfair that she seems to be so happy and successful, whereas I'm so untalented and unhappy in rough comparison.

Don't know why and how to compare to her, but my husband did some similar nasty crap. Earnings related, such crud. He won on earnings, but not my self worth.

How long were / are you separated?

[MangoMadness]

Much more harsh than most offer, but I appreciate it. It made me smile.

At the time, I really thought she was right! Idiotic of me, my silly young self was so easily put down. It was because she liked to remind me of how someone else was better looking than I, or funnier, or more creative/talented etc. So instead of telling her to bug off, I tried to improve myself. Fruitless endeavor, sadly.

And we've been separated for about two or three years now.

[DragoN]

Much more harsh than most offer, but I appreciate it. It made me smile.

Good.

My mom is kind of the same. Not much on validation, but more on move my butt and Do something.

Eheheh, you're not BPD, so "tough love" is not going to send you to the moon. Try that on a site for BPD and the monitor melts.    Have you taken your meds yet? If not... .do that!

It was because she liked to remind me of how someone else was better looking than I, or funnier, or more creative/talented etc. So instead of telling her to bug off, I tried to improve myself. Fruitless endeavor, sadly.

Here's the thing, our PD mates zero in on our already known even if subconscious weak spots, and then they hammer at them relentlessly. This crap about better looking is such low level bs to throw at another. Was she Angelina Jolie? No. My husband likes tall blondes, and believe me, I am the opposite. Well endowed as well, and there I am lacking. So what? Bugger off then if I am not enough. Go. I am plenty good enough as is. If not , make use of the door. I won't be hauling him back that's for sure. 

Think about this: If your mate is cutting you down? Why be there? That's not what it's about as far as I am concerned. Celebrate the strengths, and cover for each other's weak points. Ya know? Team Work. Not stand on the head of the other to feel better about yourself. I can't get that concept and nor do I want to. My husband as horrible as his PD makes him, has many great qualities as well. Finding the balance, but in the end, emotionally and from the perspective of intimacy and trust? There is no balance. I am not safe with him when he goes off his rocker. He is dangerous. Would you build your house in the middle of a mine field that is also used for missile testing? I doubt it.

NC is for you to heal. Don't question your Self Worth, Know it. 

[letmeout]

Time doesn't heal, it's what you DO with the time that does.

[Accepting]

This thread made me smile also. A good kick up the butt could do us all some good in weak moments if delivered the right way...  

[MangoMadness]

Exactly. I do love hearing others tell me they've gone through similar, and sympathizing, but I also love a good kick in the rear.