It feels impossible to parent with the ex

[thisyoungdad]

Lately I feel like my ex has been almost near intolerable to deal with even in terms of parenting. I would not even really term it co-parenting even if it fell into that definition.

She absolutely refuses to communicate anything with me, unless she needs something. She is willing to "change" the parenting plan as she calls the right of first refusal. If I ask her is she wants that same right she lashes out at me and throws the "we aren't changing the parenting plan" B.S in my face. I mean just insane lashing out, anger, making all things incredibly difficult in regards to our daughter. If she doesn't send something over that our daughter needs that I either don't have time to get another of or what she forgot was the one I got another of, getting it can be a huge pain in the butt.

She is getting super hostile with me again, even in public. Then she blames me. We switched our daughter at the zoo a few weeks back. The ex didn't think I was leaving soon enough (we are a public zoo) and she came over to me, got 2 inches from my face and got very hostile and told me "I told you to leave now! Why aren't you leaving?" and it was enough to get some attention from other people. She has been slamming the door in my face again when I drop our daughter off, after taking her and not letting me say goodbye. All kinds of crazy.

I am getting really angry and upset after a really bad month of this. Not to mention completely ignoring me and our communication agreement about things for the daughter. How will I ever be able to co parent with this craziness for another 15 years?

How do others parent with crazy without going crazy themselves?

[david]

Document, document, document. Record the rages and save them. Stay calm and focused on the child. Going forward you may decide a custody eval is in order and this will all be very useful.

I had similar things going on years ago. (2007) I have a court order spelling everything out. Once or twice ex tried to ignore the court order. The one that sticks in my head is our summer schedule. The court order said 50/50 with it being week on. week off. Ex sent an email which wasn't even close to 50/50. I pointed it out in an email. Three proposals later she still hadn't made one that followed the court order. This was two months before the summer started. I filed an emergency hearing to resolve the situation. She proposed a mediation the day before court. She paid fot it so I showed up. She went around in circles and never addressed the issue. I finally had enough, got up, and walked out. The next day in court she handed the judge a propoasl that met the court order. It also happened to be the one I wrote. I agreed and that was that. My ex knows I have no problem using the court to have her follow the order now. That took about two years for her to understand.

I no longer talk to her and haven't since 2010. I only communicate through email. I still get emails telling me what is wrong with me, etc... I ignore. I parallel parent since that is what works best for our two boys. I am in a much happuier place now and ex is still angry.

[thisyoungdad]

I do try to document them. I can't actually record the rages but I have them down with date, time, place etc.

I am wondering if co parenting even works with pwBPD? I mean some I am sure it does. I wish we could for the sake of our daughter.

Over time have you found there is less to communicate about? As the kids get older?

That story about court sounds so much like my ex! That's the type of thing she has done numerous times! It drives me less nuts over time.

We didn't have evaluations bc we are/did resolve things via collaborative law. A lot of it was like you said though about the court thing... .it went like that a lot.

So I don't even know if we could get one if we needed. My attorney from day one up till now keeps saying to me to document, document, document. Unfortunately I had reacted to her craziness in the past... .I just remind myself that just bc I got upset I still wasn't the one who did the crazy behavior.

Parallel parenting, can you tell me a little about it?

Ultimately as frustrating for me as it is, I am motivated by doing what's best for my daughter. I know co parenting is better then parallel parenting in a lot of cases. I want what ever is best for my daughter right now. And of course I wish we could be on even decent terms but we can't be. I didn't ever think we would not be able to even parent together

[Free One]

Lately I feel like my ex has been almost near intolerable to deal with even in terms of parenting. I would not even really term it co-parenting even if it fell into that definition.

It is extremely difficult to co-parent with a pwBPD. You will drive yourself crazy if you continue to try. It's another part of the grieving process (in my opinion) when you realize you don't have a partner in parenting and you mostly like are your child's only "parent". The parent with BPD may not be able to fully parent in a mature way. The sooner you can understand this, and shift your perspective, the easier it is to accept. '

Parallel parenting is what I do too. Google it for lots of examples, but basically you parent your child and run your house your way, the ex does it her way. There is little communication about daily decisions; only large ones. Some of this, however, may be dictated by your parenting plan as well.

[david]

I have an audio recorder I put in my pocket whenever I think she will be near. Legally my state does not permit recordings. I don't intend on using it in court. If we go to a custody eval I would use it there since that can be allowed depending on the evaluator. Also, I was falsely accused of assault and went to jail. I am recording only myself (I talked to my atty about that and he said I have a valid arguement) to protect myself. Ex said I screamed at her and said specific things. recording myself staying calm while she is raging helps the police when they show up.

I parent with little communication with ex. I email only. I do sendf emails when I think it necessary. I keep it brief and on one topic. Three to five sentences most of the time.

[silvo99]

My recommendation  is to totally disengage and sterilize your communication with her.  It's easier said than done.  As part of my settlement I was able to get a Parenting Coordinator to help me deal with her.  The coordinator looks after the parenting in light of whats best for the kids.  The problem is that after the divorce the system doesn't care about 2 adults arguing as long as the kids are not around.

For example, my ex can only call our kids between 8-8:30 pm if they are with me.  Once during my vacation time she called my cell at 9 am while I was in the car with my son.  I was feeling relaxed and I handed him the phone then after hearing him (8 years old) get hit with a barrage of questions asking what we were doing I took the phone and asked her what's going on and why was she calling.  Needless to say she started yelling into the phone and I immediately hung up.   I took this communication issues to our coordinator and was told that the mistake I made is that i answered the phone.   I was instructed that outside the evening call times and if the kids are with me, I have no reason to ever answer a phone call from her.  To make sure that I don't get accused of not letting her talk to the kids, as she did during the divorce, I should have the kids call her before the allotted time.

The idea here is to disengage and move away from tape recorders and logs and get on with your life.  Ignore the accusations on the basis that you know you are doing the right thing for your kids. Logs are a good insurance policy but don't help with the positive outlook.  My kids are 8, 9 and 10 and we get the activities scheduled with bumps, summer camp plans are the most difficult.  All via email.  Exchanges have the most risk.  Fortunately, my kids are old enough to run in the houses during exchanges.  I don't dare get out of the car and she has been instructed by the coordinator to do the same.

I have no energy to go back to the lawyers and don't care to seek a modification of the parenting plan. The legal cost and the loss of quality of life during a social investigation  is too much for anyone.  It is difficult enough as a single dad to cope with the discrimination that society and family law puts on us.  And it hurts even more when you're forced to try and co-parent with a BPD ex-wife that is not able to put the kids needs first and only wants to inflict harm on you, all while being perceived as a victim by mutual friends (if you have any left).

I was told once to just let it go, and it is true.  You have to look the other way, think of the kids.  Plan enriching activities.  What you do on your time is yours and when the kids get older you hope they recognize what you did for them.   I know teachers will call her first, she will receive the thank you cards from b-day parties I took my kids to,  it is assumed mom helped any and all school projects, play dates are tough to get for my girls and I may not hear about some invites to classroom activities.  It's just not worth losing sleep over because at the end of the day the kids will recognize what you do for them.

[Mutt]

I parallel parent since that is what works best for our two boys. I am in a much happuier place now and ex is still angry.

I know co parenting is better then parallel parenting in a lot of cases.

I'm 10 months into separation. I have S2, S5, D7. A few months ago I chose to parallel parent instead of co-parenting after researching that you cannot co-parent with a high conflict personality/borderline personality disorder/narcissist.

Unfortunately, I did flip-flop on my choice a couple of times between parallel and co-parenting since. I think it was mostly due to sympathy for the ex. I regret the ambivalence in my decision and the hope/message that it sent to her, but I finally decided that I simply don't have it in me to co-parent with her.

When I did let the streams cross with her, it's just hell. I don't know how some people co-parent with these personality types and I feel for them. I'm happy that there is an alternative to co-parenting. But more power to you and to those that can co-parent with a HCP/BPD/NPD.

[silvo99]

I did flip-flop on my choice a couple of times between parallel and co-parenting since. I think it was mostly due to sympathy for the ex.  I regret the ambivalence in my decision and the hope/message that it sent to her, but I finally decided that I simply don't have it in me to co-parent with her.

I haven't heard about parallel parenting until I came here but I have so much stuff spelled out in my parenting plan in order to totally disengage from my ex I think that classifies our parenting.  After meeting some people that co-parent in a positive manner I felt some pity and loosened up on the restrictions that I had put in.  It only caused me aggravation and stress for the kids.  I half to agree that once you go parallel parenting it's best to stick to it since it sends the proper message to a high conflict ex.  It's allowed me to move on in a positive manner. 

[CdnSunrise]

Thanks silvo99. I had never heard of parallel parenting until reading this thread, and it is exactly what I have been attempting to do with my uBPDex. We have been separated for 1.5 years and my ex is still fighting me about the financial settlement -- next will be the custody issue as we head (finally!) towards divorce. Do you have any advice about the types of things that it is important to get into the custody agreement?

He did e-mail me a one point asking if we can meet and talk about the kids like "normal" separated/divorced parents do, but I said we didn't have a "normal" relationship, so why should things be any different now? But of course, I'm made out to be the "uncooperative" one when it comes to trying to make things work for the kids.

I have also tried to go "no contact" as much as possible, limiting communications to texting only. Up to this point, he has basically gone along with the kids' visitation schedule I have created. He does make last minute changes, but these schedule changes almost always give me more time with the kids (D11, S10 and S7) so I usually just don't say anything and allow the changes. The kids are happy to be at home with me longer than they expected! I realize that I'm letting him control the situation in some ways, but on the other hand, I have the kids with me which I far prefer to exposing them to his behaviour. Any advice as to how strict I should be with visitation times when making my legal agreement?

And do you ever talk to the kids about why you can't talk to/be with their other parent?

[thisyoungdad]

Just saw some of the replies, I was taking a few days for self care. Things have been crazy with the ex. It is hard because with it almost thanksgiving I want to be having a "normal" co parenting relationship like some of my friends, who can set their issues aside long enough to engage in even an hour or two of family time on the holiday. My best friend has a an ex who can at times be worse than mine. We were talking about co parenting tonight because somehow they manage to do it. I was feeling depressed about the holiday coming up. She said to me "Wow, hit_ can be a real a-hole but what you just described is almost just evil" and this friend is not one who is quick make comments like that. Usually the opposite. And to hear her say that, given her situation and everything really made me realize what it is that I deal with here.

I am really curious though what anyone has to say about the question about talking to kids about why you can't talk/be with their other parent?

[Changingman]

I think they already know, if you have shown them love. You are showing them another kind of life away from crazy,

[Mutt]

I don't say anything about the ex to the kids either. S2 and S5 are too young to understand. D7 often says she doesn't feel love from mom and likes it better at my house. Mom is too busy focusing on the replacement. I focus on my kids when I have them.

[livednlearned]

It's another part of the grieving process (in my opinion) when you realize you don't have a partner in parenting and you mostly like are your child's only "parent". The parent with BPD may not be able to fully parent in a mature way. The sooner you can understand this, and shift your perspective, the easier it is to accept. '

FreeOne, that is so true. It took me a long time to figure it out and now I realize that a lot of the conflict in the first 1.5 to 2 years after we separated was because I kept trying to coparent. My judge actually validated for me that parallel parenting is better for some when coparenting isn't possible or healthy for the kids. Same with the parenting coordinator.

To the question about what do you say to your kids, I think it's actually more about listening to what they say. And when they say how they feel, validate them. If they don't say anything, that's maybe a sign that they have emotionally and psychologically detached. I think that's what S12 has done, although I also think N/BPDx is idealizing S12 right now, and while that's tricky for a kid, it's a lot less traumatizing than being called names and blamed for crazy stuff.

How are you handling things with your kids? How are they doing?

[Changingman]

Sorry, this will sound arrogant, it's a game for them. No empathy, no love, object orientated. Very difficult to process, a game involving other people.

[thisyoungdad]

Changingman- That is funny you said it that way because I have felt that way recently, especially recently.

[ohmygosh]

Amazing stories.  I have found co-parenting with someone who lies is impossible.  My x wife even went as far as lying about my sons health in a mediation appointment to try and get her own way.  Said he was undertaking a therapy which was made up.  Plan is to get a set agreement and use a drop off centre so we don't even have to meet.  What's the point in communicating if you don't know if the communication is true.  It's a tiring process am at the end of my tether with it all and don't handle the stress of lawyers and court very well.  Just soldiering on and hoping I can sepparate from the madness one day.  The other characteristic with my x is that everything you do agree on is changed a few days or weeks later, every single time, pointless to make agreements.

[Nope]

What's the point in communicating if you don't know if the communication is true. 

We've run into that problem a lot. She's called in the past to ask him to yell at S9 for her for stuff S9 has supposedly done. She expects him to "reinforce what is right". But he never goes for it. Being as far away as we are we have no idea what the truth is and S9 (the "all bad" child) just shuts down and wouldn't even try to defend himself no matter what the truth really was. The only thing that works is getting rules set by the court in writing and iron clad and then sticking to them exactly. Then when they break them you have to be ready and willing to enforce consequences by bringing them back in on Contempt charges. It's exhausting and requires a whole lot of intestinal fortitude. But theoretically, they eventually get it and start following the order more or less.

[livednlearned]

Courts don't like parents to suggest parallel parenting at the beginning, but when "coparenting" creates more conflict than not, it seems like they will endorse parallel parenting.

Something psychological happens when you let go of the idea that there will be any coparenting. It's kinda freeing, actually. Do what the order states so your ex can't file a motion for contempt, and document everything. But once you have an order, don't try to force the coparenting thing.

I found that my judge fully supported no contact unless it was in the order. And my L warned me to not offer N/BPDx things out of the goodness of my heart, because then it looked like I didn't recognize how disordered he was. And at that point, there was enough evidence that something was wrong with N/BPDx.

Parallel parenting is our version of "no contact" and it's working for me. 

[Mutt]

Courts don't like parents to suggest parallel parenting at the beginning, but when "coparenting" creates more conflict than not, it seems like they will endorse parallel parenting.

Because a dysfunctional relationship/marriage ends, doesn't mean that the dysfunction ends.

[thisyoungdad]

Wow all so helpful. We have had literally zero contact for a few weeks, since she got in my face and I felt physically threatened by her at the zoo. We were switching our daughter on a weekend which was unusual and so we did it in public and she still flipped out on me. This was October 19th. Since then we have had maybe 2 brief email exchanges and that is all. We met with a child advocate that is part of our case on Nov. 20th under urgent pretense because of behavior the ex was doing. Frustrating for me nothing was said to her about the B.S behavior but instead it was suggested that we have zero contact at least for a few months. The family advocate even said that since we can't seem to bring the heat down in our interactions (it is always the ex who has a problem, always and so she is always the upset one, angry one, acting out etc.) that for our daughters sake we need to do pretty much no contact. My ex did get talked to harshly about how she blocked me from calling or texting and refused to acknowledge even urgent emails because she was isolating herself from being able to be contacted about anything important for our daughter. She unblocked me for 2 days, then blocked me again. So we are meeting now again right after thanksgiving but the family advocate warned us she would send it right back to the court if we couldn't get it under control. Apparently my ex didn't seem to care about that. Should be interesting. Needless to say it is harder and yet easier at the same time not dealing with my ex. A huge source of our conflict is my frustration at the constant broken agreements about all things related to our daughter. So we are essentially forced into parallel parenting. The hard part is my daughter really loves to share what she did with mommy or various other things and is upset I don't know about it or I can't go see her whatever at mom's house, that mom wont' come to ours to see her new kitten etc. The hard part is dealing with my daughter.

[livednlearned]

The hard part is my daughter really loves to share what she did with mommy or various other things and is upset I don't know about it or I can't go see her whatever at mom's house, that mom wont' come to ours to see her new kitten etc. The hard part is dealing with my daughter.

Validate how your daughter feels. She wants you to know what she's doing at her mom's, you say, ":)oes that make you sad?" Instead of, "Mommy doesn't tell me anything." Or, "I can't talk to her because she is always so angry."

The Power of Validation is one of the most important things I read after leaving N/BPDx. Changed everything in my parenting. Everything. I think validating S12 was the single most healing thing that happened. That, and getting him out of that environment.

[Nope]

The hard part is my daughter really loves to share what she did with mommy or various other things and is upset I don't know about it or I can't go see her whatever at mom's house, that mom wont' come to ours to see her new kitten etc. The hard part is dealing with my daughter.

That has got to be really hard for you. Unfortunately it may get even harder when she's older if your ex can't behave in public because of extracurricular activities you should both be going to. If there is no wording addressing that issue anywhere then that may be something to bring up at the meeting.

[CdnSunrise]

The hard part is my daughter really loves to share what she did with mommy or various other things and is upset I don't know about it or I can't go see her whatever at mom's house, that mom wont' come to ours to see her new kitten etc. The hard part is dealing with my daughter.

That has got to be really hard for you. Unfortunately it may get even harder when she's older if your ex can't behave in public because of extracurricular activities you should both be going to. If there is no wording addressing that issue anywhere then that may be something to bring up at the meeting.

I would also be interested in some advice about what to say to older children when a Non can't yet tolerate being at a public event when the xBPD is there. Luckily for me, my ex doesn't usually bother turning up at any kids' activities or events (and rarely did when we were together unless I "made" him go). A few weeks ago 2 of my kids were testing for Tae Kwon Do belt and it was their dad's weekend. For the first time, he agreed to actually take them.

I wanted to go and watch, but I just couldn't imagine being in that small room with him for an hour. I know he would try to talk to me and pretend everything was "normal", and the thought of having to face him in public makes me feel sick. Not exactly the same thing as BPD misbehaving in public, but just as hard for the kids to understand, I think. My T told me I should explain to them that I wanted to come, but couldn't. I'm just not sure ... .

[livednlearned]

I would also be interested in some advice about what to say to older children when a Non can't yet tolerate being at a public event when the xBPD is there. Luckily for me, my ex doesn't usually bother turning up at any kids' activities or events (and rarely did when we were together unless I "made" him go). A few weeks ago 2 of my kids were testing for Tae Kwon Do belt and it was their dad's weekend. For the first time, he agreed to actually take them.

I wanted to go and watch, but I just couldn't imagine being in that small room with him for an hour. I know he would try to talk to me and pretend everything was "normal", and the thought of having to face him in public makes me feel sick. Not exactly the same thing as BPD misbehaving in public, but just as hard for the kids to understand, I think. My T told me I should explain to them that I wanted to come, but couldn't. I'm just not sure ... .

When S12 had a band concert or other kind of performance at school, I would say to him, "I am going to take you, and bring you home. Your dad said he is going to be there too. We won't sit be sitting together, I'll be over sitting with friends. So when it's over, if you want to talk to your dad, that's ok with me because I get to see you all the time and we'll be driving home together. If you don't want to find him and say hi, that's ok too. But I'll be right here."

I wanted to take all the stress out of the event for S12. Kids really feel the loyalty bind when there is an event with both parents attending. So I proactively told him what I was going to do, where I would be, and that his job was to be a kid and enjoy being the star. He needs to know that at least one grown up knows how to manage these situations. 

One time, N/BPDx showed up uninvited and unannounced to a pageant S12 was in at church. Totally messed with S12 because he knew it wasn't planned for his dad to be there. Before he went on stage, I went to where S12 was sitting and told him it was ok, same deal. Me sitting over here, waiting until he is ready to go, no problem, go say hi to his dad if he wanted. The relief that kid felt was palpable. I could see his whole body relax.

If your ex acts badly at an event, and you know that's likely, it might be worth saying something in advance. "I want to see you perform. Your dad is going to be there too. Sometimes it is hard for him to manage his feelings and he has trouble behaving politely." Then whatever it is you decide to do.

I don't know if it's wise to let your child decide if you should be there or not. That's tough for a kid. But at least let them know they don't need to be the parent, and worry how to manage the situation. That's our job, and it's good to let them know that.

[CdnSunrise]

Thanks livenlearned. I have done similar things during the past 1.5 years when I've been at events with my exBPD, but I haven't been great at making it clear to my kids what the plan is -- I guess I assumed they would figure it out. At first, ex would immediately come and sit with me and try to engage. He's very interested in pretending that we are normal people and "saving face". He seems to have given up on that, although I always make sure I'm surrounded by friends/family to discourage he from getting near me.

I think my problem is more with unprocessed feelings of fear, hurt, pain, whatever. At large, organized public events, I can prepare myself and can handle being there with him. I just avoid him and continue with NC. It's the smaller, more intimate settings that make me feel sick. Last week exBPD was dropping off an old computer for my son and he helped him carry it to the door. I literally hid behind the door after opening it and allowed ex to place it inside the door. He slowly said "I'm just placing this inside" in his "I'm talking to a crazy person" voice. It does make me feel a bit crazy for being so scared of him, and I have no idea what my kids think of my hiding behind the door.

[livednlearned]

I think my problem is more with unprocessed feelings of fear, hurt, pain, whatever. At large, organized public events, I can prepare myself and can handle being there with him. I just avoid him and continue with NC. It's the smaller, more intimate settings that make me feel sick. Last week exBPD was dropping off an old computer for my son and he helped him carry it to the door. I literally hid behind the door after opening it and allowed ex to place it inside the door. He slowly said "I'm just placing this inside" in his "I'm talking to a crazy person" voice. It does make me feel a bit crazy for being so scared of him, and I have no idea what my kids think of my hiding behind the door.

That's tough. Makes me glad that I don't have to deal with intimate gatherings with N/BPDx. And he isn't allowed to get out of his car when he drops off S12.

Again, I think it's ok to say something to your kids about it. It's not only you who is dealing with these feelings, your kids are feeling you feeling those feelings    

Maybe say something like, "When your dad drops things off, or when I see him in public, I feel xyz. I'm learning to manage those feelings, but I figure you might notice that sometimes I'm very uncomfortable around him. When people don't acknowledge my boundaries, I feel xyz, and those are the feelings I have when your dad is near me."

Because it's an awful feeling to be treated like the crazy person when you know who the real crazy is. Better to address it directly with the kids, describing it in relation to your feelings (so you aren't bashing the ex, which only makes the kids feel bad), so they know why there is so much tension when he is around.

It is legitimate to feel super tense around an unpredictable, abusive, mean person who has a history of busting your boundaries. I wouldn't assume that your kids know that, although not sure what ages they are? I find that making things super clear, very factual, makes S12 feel secure. We rarely have a big discussion about any of this. Just, "Hey, this is happening. I feel this way about it. I am the parent, you are the kid, so go be one. I'll take care of this other stuff, including my own feelings."

[Changingman]

Youngdad,

I haven't any idea how to deal with my X except, No contact except for kids... they are old enough. She has been bhiting me of for years now... I ignore it and it goes away, I  used to say if I can't see the kids I can't see the kids. Put the phone down and wait for her to think I was out having a good time instead and I'd get the call PICK UP YOUR KIDS... .it worked, kids are a total drag in reality for my Xw.

She has a new guy who has 2 kids and seems nice. he does most childcare she doesn't give a **** except to show them of as trophys.

The game of winning and losing with the pieces being your kids... .No empathy, no love, object orientated


Astonishing,

It's my fault though... .

Obviously!

[CdnSunrise]

Youngdad,

he does most childcare she doesn't give a **** except to show them of as trophys.

Interesting Changingman -- when I was in marriage counselling with exBPD 2 years ago, the therapist mentioned to me that after one session (during which the ex described how proud he was of showing pictures of his wife and kids to his patients) she felt that he just saw us as trophies. I think she found it creepy, and this was before we figured out the BPD thing.

Livednlearned - my kids are d11, s10 and s7. I have had a really hard time talking to them at all about their dad. Thanks for the suggestions re. what to say -- I often have no idea how to verbalize things to them, so I just don't say anything. I'm not teaching them a very healthy way to cope, I think.

[david]

I have two boys (15 and 10) Ex left in 2007 and they were about 4.5 and 8.5 years old at the time. What I learned was to become a real good listener. I said very little and when I did it was short and simple to try to understand what they were trying to say to me. Eventually ( months ) I learned what each was trying to say. Young kids have a limited vocabulary so you need to interpret. I wasn't very good at first but got better the more I listened. I validated their feelings a lot. Over time they learned they could trust me and they opened up more and more. Today, I have a much better relationship with them then I think I would have had if ex and I stayed together.

I rarely communicate (email only) with ex about things except pick up times ,etc. I noticed that when I do communicate something else I am oftentimes able to help the kids. I get a lot of flak from ex through email but that doesn't phase me at all anymore.

[livednlearned]

Livednlearned - my kids are d11, s10 and s7. I have had a really hard time talking to them at all about their dad. Thanks for the suggestions re. what to say -- I often have no idea how to verbalize things to them, so I just don't say anything. I'm not teaching them a very healthy way to cope, I think.

The three books that helped me were Power of Validation, Don't Alienate the Kids (Bill Eddy), and Divorce Poison. All the tools are there.

I decided that healthy people just have better tools, and I needed to figure out what those tools were. I don't get it right all the time, but enough to give me encouragement that I at least picked some pretty good tools. Especially the validation stuff. It was like a miracle drug. Listening and validating and empathy = healthy people.

And Eddy's book talks about learning to have moderate emotions, managed behavior, and flexible thinking -- something like that. He encourages parents to model that for their kids, because kids watch and learn and do what you do. It kinda pushed me to be healthy, realizing that.