What we struggle with via wrongful portrayal.

[Ironmanrises]

I was watching the movie The Dark Knight Rises... .

And at the end... .

There was a line spoken by Robin... .

In reference to the Batman... .

Sacrificing himself for the city... .

John Blake:... ."I just can't take it.

I mean... .nobody will ever know... .

Who it was... .

Who saved an entire city.

Jim Gordon:... .

They know who it was... .

It was the Batman... ."

That scene is haunting... .

For me.

That is something we struggle with... .

On here.

I struggle with this.

"I just can't take it.

I mean... .nobody will ever know... .

Who it was... .

Who saved an entire city."

Due to the nature of the disorder... .

No one really knows... .

What we have gone through.

Definitely not the people... .

That the pwBPD is around.

Even close friends... .

Of ours... .

Mine certainly don't understand... .

Fully... .

What we sacrificed.

"They know who it was... .

It was the Batman."

Except you guys... .

On this forum.

And that's the thing... .

Robin's disappointment... .

In the movie... .

Is a reflection... .

Of our let down... .

In essence.

Look at what we endured... .

Trying to love... .

Our disordered partners... .

Look at what we sacrificed... .

Trying to love... .

Our disordered partners... .

And no one will ever know... .

To the full extent... .

That.

And that is what hurts.

That kills me.

Inside.

The full truth... .

Of what occurred... .

What really happened... .

Will never be known.

Only to perhaps... .

A few close friends/family member... .

And you fine people... .

On this forum.

I can't take it.

I don't want to be portrayed... .

As the villain.

And it hurts... .

Beyond end... .

To be cast in such a light.

I know I did nothing wrong.

As I am sure... .

All of you... .

Did nothing wrong either.

[ShadowDancer]

Ironman,

Buccaneers we be

We rise and fall together upon perilous sea

Some things happen and some we choose

Lets make the best of our changing views

[Aussie0zborn]

It doesn't matter Ironman. As long as YOU know.  I struggled with this for a while and realizing that I can't change it and I actually allowed it to happen during the relationship by not calling her out on it in front of others, there is no point on worrying about it because I can actually sleep at night - I haven't done anything wrong.

I now walk down the street with my head high and a spring in my step. She rarely features in my daily thoughts. Life's too good to worry about what others might think.

[UnLuckyLady]

I dont think that IronManFalls post have anything to do with what other people think... .I believe it was simply signifying how others (friends and family) cannot grasp the depth of pain and destuction of the spirit that IMF went through, and is still experiencing.  It's impossible for others to fully empathize unless having had the devil knock on their door as well (BPD).

Hence... .the reason why we are blesses with each other, here, on these boards.

[winston72]

Indeed, LuckyLady(Un…but not for long!). 

As a committed codependent and excessive rescuer in the mold of a Batman (unfortunately without the money, power or effectiveness), I have nobly sacrificed for others, and most recently my ex.  I would have reveled in the appreciation of others and most preciously my ex, if only they could have seen how much greater my love was than the challenges, complexity and pain that she brought me.  Alas, it is all a bad fiction and I am the fool in the story.

I think what has eaten at me over the past year or so and what has kept me connected to her and to the relationship is my hesitation to fully embrace that much of it was a waste.  Whether or not it was her intent, I was used.  It was unnecessary.  Nobody was saved.  I had a "noble intent", or so I thought, but it was wasted.  That is hard for me to accept.  I still want to have it all make sense.  I want to create a redemptive, positive and heroic narrative.

I am learning that my most loving contribution to others, the best way I can channel my rescuer/hero/sacrificer urges is to relate to others within my boundaries of need/want/hopes/values and to offer people the limitations of my most genuine self in doing so.  This is the expression of love and, to mix in with my codependent side, it a more full expression of heroic living.

[Learning_curve74]

Two quotes for you:

When you search for your happiness from others, it can make you feel alone. When you search for your happiness in yourself, then you can be happy even if you are alone.

Be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars. In the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.

Do you believe these two quotes are true?

[EdR]

Indeed, LuckyLady(Un…but not for long!). 

As a committed codependent and excessive rescuer in the mold of a Batman (unfortunately without the money, power or effectiveness), I have nobly sacrificed for others, and most recently my ex.  I would have reveled in the appreciation of others and most preciously my ex, if only they could have seen how much greater my love was than the challenges, complexity and pain that she brought me.  Alas, it is all a bad fiction and I am the fool in the story.

I think what has eaten at me over the past year or so and what has kept me connected to her and to the relationship is my hesitation to fully embrace that much of it was a waste.  Whether or not it was her intent, I was used.  It was unnecessary.  Nobody was saved.  I had a "noble intent", or so I thought, but it was wasted.  That is hard for me to accept.  I still want to have it all make sense.  I want to create a redemptive, positive and heroic narrative.

I am learning that my most loving contribution to others, the best way I can channel my rescuer/hero/sacrificer urges is to relate to others within my boundaries of need/want/hopes/values and to offer people the limitations of my most genuine self in doing so.  This is the expression of love and, to mix in with my codependent side, it a more full expression of heroic living.

So many good lines in the above quote and the original post of Ironmanfalls ! :-)

Funny though... .if the -romantic- relationship wouldn't have featured someone with Borderline, the hurt would last maybe some days or a few weeks. In the case of a divorce maybe months. But in the case of a Borderliner, everyone just seems to keep struggling.

We need it to make sense... .and it the case of a Borderliner, it never does.

In a relationship (either romantic or friendship etc.) it seems we're exchanging a piece of ourselves. After a relationship ends, closure would eventually give every piece back to its rightful owner.

In some of our cases there was no closure. Just ^&%$$^@  silence.

The piece of our BPD friend/lover/husband/wife still remains inside us. Haunting us. And that little piece of us, that was given to the BPD, will never be returned to us. :'(  :'(

[fiddlestix]

Yes, Winston, much was a waste.  The generous love and forgiveness that comes naturally to us did not help our pwBPD.  It was gobbled up like any other addictive substance and forgotten.  To love without expecting return may be the highest form of love.  But I couldn't do it anymore. 

Fiddle

[ShadowDancer]

There's that word again. BOUNDARIES! In that one word I realize what was given to me can be leveraged to be so much more worthwhile and valuable than what was taken. Ahh... .the gifts! Thank you Winston.

[winston72]

LC74…great quotes.  They do summarize the basic thrust of emotional health that runs through these boards…to honestly, fully and genuinely engage ourselves and to seek wholeness within.

I do agree with the quotes.  They do not fully represent how I am now living.  I am moving toward living this way.  The first quote is more meaningful to me right now:

When you search for your happiness from others, it can make you feel alone. When you search for your happiness in yourself, then you can be happy even if you are alone.

I have found my own meaning by being valuable to others.  A mentally ill mother and an alcoholic father and all that entailed taught me this…and for most of my life I have adapted these traits to positive life accomplishments…successful business, two wonderful adult kids, good citizen, good friend…but empty internally leading to a failed marriage and some nutty BPD girlfriends post marriage.  And, as I type, I embraced these women who were prototypes of my mother (ugh…cannot believe I am typing this, but it is so true…ugh) and then set about being the source of their life enhancement.  This both made me feel good and rationalized relationships that otherwise did not make good sense.  So…time to really work on myself!

[maxen]

winston those are brave posts you put up. some of those struggles are my struggles too.

Due to the nature of the disorder... .

No one really knows... .

What we have gone through.

Definitely not the people... .

That the pwBPD is around.

this is certainly true. my stbxw has a bevy of friends, some of quite long standing, but since they are friends and not more, they have never, will never, and can never know what we have experienced. some have supported her despite her deceit and infidelity. they have never seen what we saw, is the generous interpretation i must give their attitude. as GP44 said in his excellent post,

"Your ex may be high functioning, able to hold down a job and excel at it, along with an extensive network of friends and an active social life. They may excel at certain hobbies, skills or interests. You have experienced something bizarre, dysfunctional, and unhealthy within the confines of your relationship, and yet to the outside world this person appears to have their ___ together. It may make you feel like you are the crazy one and and you lose your ability to trust in your own judgement. But the truth of the matter is that their attachment and abandonment issues only deploy when they get close to intimacy and commitment ... ."

[git]

Great post and wonderful replies. So many truths.

[LivingLearning]

Maybe this relates to a reply or your post, but I so relate. I feel like some good stuff has come out of this "batman" like experience.

I had the opportunity to challenge myself. Like a marathon. Learn more skills. Learn a patience I didn't know I had. Practice communication.

And... .there's been repercussions on the level of  PTSD too, perhaps. A mixed bag.

[Ironmanrises]

Thank you all for replying.

I was expressing the futility... .

Of it all... .

In the post.

It is one thing... .

To have one person think... .

Bad of you... .

But when the pwBPD... .

My ex... .

Has made it seem... .

Like it was me... .

Who was the problem... .

And now... .

A whole lot of people... .

View me like that... .

That hurts.