I got out... but now I miss him

[aggie04girl]

So my ex-fiance, lets call him C, had been together for four years.  One week ago I dropped him off at the airport for a friend to take him back to his home state.

While I say his BPD and Schizophrenia are NOT the reasons I ended things I think in the back of my mind they are.

Why I told him I had to end things: I could not financially support us both and since our complex would not give me a short term lease (I am a recent graduate with a masters and job hunting) I had to move back in with my parents to have the flexibility to move when the right job came along and that I did not want to end things, but he was not allowed at my parents.

The real reason: the above, plus he said he didn't want children (originally he told me he did), he had outstanding legal issues in his home state that prevented us from getting married or from us moving to the East coast(most of the jobs in my field are on the east coast), he could not stop talking to his ex wife,  and I was scared of him hurting himself (several suicide attempts) or worse flipping and hurting me.

I chose the reason I told him because it was the one that put the least blame on me so he wouldn't get violent and angry towards me.

We broke up August 26th, but lived together for two full months before I moved and he went back home.

The ironic thing is that he is not addressing his legal issues, which means he will be able to work.  I am kind of pissed he wouldn't do that for me while we were together.

Also kind of pissed that his female friend would fly all the way here and pay for his travel to go back there and the $1500 for his lawyer.  She has visited us a handful of times, but that still seems a bit odd like maybe she has feelings for him.

Also he never acted upset just pissed about it.  There was not trying to get back together not a single tear... .is this normal?  Not that I wanted him to be a sobbing mess, but I was prepared for it, not this.  And the whole time he is saying he will probably never date again, but I log on to his phone and he is already chatting up an ex and her roommate about wanting to have sex with them, which I know he was doing it to manipulate them for a place to live.  

This got me wondering if he ever loved me or did he do the same thing to me.  We had met a year before he moved in.  I was on a break from another relationship and he and I went out a few times, I really liked him, but he moved away and I got back with my ex, let's call this one G.  Well my G got me pregnant and split when I wouldn't marry him then I miscarriaged.  A few weeks after C, who had been in contact with me off and on, texted me to see how the baby was, and I broke down.  He then said I should date him and we could have lots of babies.  I told C it was too early for me to date.  he stayed in contact and a month or two later he was messaging me hard core and then we were dating again.  I drove to see him or brought him up to visit, and his friends brought him up a few times.  Then he tells me he has to move to Alabama or be homeless.  I asked him to move in and the rest history.

Over the four years, there were a lot of good times, but there was also verbal and psychological abuse.  Only twice did he ever get physical on purpose.  There were tons of true accidents (like elbowing me in his sleep or opening a door when he didn't know I was coming out), but only a few times he hurt me on purpose.  He always felt like crap afterwards and tried to kill himself a few times because he was afraid he was a monster.

I think because I was so far into it I don't know what was real or what was manipulation... .I doubt he even knows.

But now I miss him and I wonder if I made the right choice.  He tells me he is hurting and needs space, but I feel like a villain.

Do I have stockholm syndrome?

[Jbt857]

Hi Aggie,

I don't know of its Stockholm Syndrome, but it is perfectly normal to look back and idealise the relationship and only see the good.

As an outsider, let me list some points you made:

He has BPD

He is schizophrenic

You had to financially support him

He doesn't want children, you do

He has outstanding legal issues he is not working on resolving

He is still caught up (to some degree) with his ex wife

He has violent tendencies

The female 'friend'

He is already lining up other women

He shows no remorse for his part in the relationship breakdown

He hardly sounds like the catch of the century.

I'd suggest you need to look at building your self esteem, because if you truly believe the  above is the best you can get, then you probably need to do some work on you.

I'd say in my experience, the issue of having/not having kids alone means this relationship is a non-starter. It's a total non-negotiable. That in itself is a compromise that is never going to end well.

Go find someone who not only wants kids, but is in a position to be a great and present father to them. Your ex isn't that guy.

[Lady31]

Aggie,

When I saw your screen name it immediately registered to a past post that I had read that I thought was EXTREMELY ALARMING.  So, I looked at your past posts, and sure enough - you were the one that wrote it and that had me very concerned for your wellbeing and safety.  It was on April 7th - I am going to paste what you wrote in italics and I am BOLDING some serious, serious alarms:

SO my fiance has BPD and Schizophrenia.  I can't take it anymore.  To be honest sometimes I wish he would follow through with his suicide attempts/threats or his threat to leave.  I know if I ask him to leave or worse tell him he will threaten and possibly hurt me.  I want too much out of life to continue with this.  It makes me feel horribly guilty.  We have been together for over 3 years and I am the first real stable family he has ever had.  He was adopted and then put in group homes and programs because his parents couldn't handle him.  He spent some time in the Marines and some time in jail.

I love him, but things are really starting to drive me nuts.  He doesn't work, or even leave the house.  He spends like crazy and if I tell him no he becomes like a child.

Today was the straw that broke the camels back.

We are broke atm but I had $25 left to buy some food for the week (he manipulated me into spending $500 earlier this month).  So I asked him if there was anything he wanted and he said he didn't know... .    Orange Juice maybe.

So I went to the store... .    orange juice was way too high.  I bought two gallons of sweet tea (his favorite, because he wont drink tap water and rarely drinks water in general) and I bought a thing of guava mango juice.

I come home and he said that I failed to do the one thing he asked.  He drank some of the juice and said it tasted like crap.  He asked if I was going to cook dinner, because he doesn't cook.

I could only afford chicken as a meat.

So I made chicken, carrots, and potatoes.  He refers to it the "filth food" as he called it because the chicken had a bone.  So he proceeds to pour an entire jar of salsa into a bowl and I said not to use it all because I use it in stuff (it was a brand new jar). He got mad and threw the bowl in the sink.  It broke and got salsa all over the kitchen.

He then went into the bedroom and locked the door... .    the bedroom is the only way to our bathroom.  He also had my phone in there.  I bang on the door and demanded to be let in.  He told me: "go away no one likes you".

I told him I would call the cops and he laughed and said I couldn't because he had my phone.  I told him I would go outside until I found one.  He said that he would destroy the apartment before I got back.

I finally got him to open the door.  We fought more he threatened to choke me and made comments about killing me in my sleep.  He came at me at one point, but I blocked him and he said he wasn't going to hurt me.

He blames me for not getting his medicine, because I didn't have gas money to go to the one drug store across town that his insurance is good at.

He called me a pig and filth and I left the room.

He has an outburst like this about once a month.

I just don't know what to do, because if I ask him to leave he will threaten or hurt me.  The more difficult I make his life here the more he will get angry and snap at me.

I know in his past girls called the cops on him and he has always come back and broke their windows amongst other things.  I can't move and I can't leave.  This is MY home.  I also worry he is going to hurt my pets, because that is one of his go to threats.  But I have decided ... .    pretty much to end it, but I don't know how.  The police as useless, because he will would rather kill me and have a suicide by cop than ever let them take him.


Sorry for the typos and tense issues, but its 3am and I am beat, but I am scared to go to bed.

Honey - ANY thoughts on staying with this guy are not coming from a healthy place at all.  You have been in the FOG too long to see reality as clearly as you should be right now.  I would say YES - it sounds like Stockholm syndrome or something similar.  You ABSOLUTELY MADE THE RIGHT DECISION - and you are lucky/blessed to have made it these following months to this point without serious harm. 

[Waifed]

Howdy Ag,

You sound like a very bright woman with a great future ahead of you. You have made the right decision to move on and living with your folks until you get back on your feet was probably a wise decision. Hopefully they will support you through the healing process. If you get pushback or lack of empathy from them I suggest finding literature about the effects pwBPD have on their partners, and asking them to read about it. Work on yourself now. You have likely had the life sucked out of you and are feeling quite empty right now. You must focus on making yourself better. You can do it.

[ShadowDancer]

The post from the month of April =       I suggest you cease and EVADE all communication with the individual FOR THE SAFETY OF YOURSELF AND YOURS!

[aggie04girl]

The post from the month of April =       I suggest you cease and EVADE all communication with the individual FOR THE SAFETY OF YOURSELF AND YOURS!

He is 1500 miles away now and he can't hurt me from there.  He also has no money so I know he wont be coming back.

[aggie04girl]

Aggie,

When I saw your screen name it immediately registered to a past post that I had read that I thought was EXTREMELY ALARMING.  So, I looked at your past posts, and sure enough - you were the one that wrote it and that had me very concerned for your wellbeing and safety.  It was on April 7th - I am going to paste what you wrote in italics and I am BOLDING some serious, serious alarms:

SO my fiance has BPD and Schizophrenia.  I can't take it anymore.  To be honest sometimes I wish he would follow through with his suicide attempts/threats or his threat to leave.  I know if I ask him to leave or worse tell him he will threaten and possibly hurt me.  I want too much out of life to continue with this.  It makes me feel horribly guilty.  We have been together for over 3 years and I am the first real stable family he has ever had.  He was adopted and then put in group homes and programs because his parents couldn't handle him.  He spent some time in the Marines and some time in jail.

I love him, but things are really starting to drive me nuts.  He doesn't work, or even leave the house.  He spends like crazy and if I tell him no he becomes like a child.

Today was the straw that broke the camels back.

We are broke atm but I had $25 left to buy some food for the week (he manipulated me into spending $500 earlier this month).  So I asked him if there was anything he wanted and he said he didn't know... .    Orange Juice maybe.

So I went to the store... .    orange juice was way too high.  I bought two gallons of sweet tea (his favorite, because he wont drink tap water and rarely drinks water in general) and I bought a thing of guava mango juice.

I come home and he said that I failed to do the one thing he asked.  He drank some of the juice and said it tasted like crap.  He asked if I was going to cook dinner, because he doesn't cook.

I could only afford chicken as a meat.

So I made chicken, carrots, and potatoes.  He refers to it the "filth food" as he called it because the chicken had a bone.  So he proceeds to pour an entire jar of salsa into a bowl and I said not to use it all because I use it in stuff (it was a brand new jar). He got mad and threw the bowl in the sink.  It broke and got salsa all over the kitchen.

He then went into the bedroom and locked the door... .    the bedroom is the only way to our bathroom.  He also had my phone in there.  I bang on the door and demanded to be let in.  He told me: "go away no one likes you".

I told him I would call the cops and he laughed and said I couldn't because he had my phone.  I told him I would go outside until I found one.  He said that he would destroy the apartment before I got back.

I finally got him to open the door.  We fought more he threatened to choke me and made comments about killing me in my sleep.  He came at me at one point, but I blocked him and he said he wasn't going to hurt me.

He blames me for not getting his medicine, because I didn't have gas money to go to the one drug store across town that his insurance is good at.

He called me a pig and filth and I left the room.

He has an outburst like this about once a month.

I just don't know what to do, because if I ask him to leave he will threaten or hurt me.  The more difficult I make his life here the more he will get angry and snap at me.

I know in his past girls called the cops on him and he has always come back and broke their windows amongst other things.  I can't move and I can't leave.  This is MY home.  I also worry he is going to hurt my pets, because that is one of his go to threats.  But I have decided ... .    pretty much to end it, but I don't know how.  The police as useless, because he will would rather kill me and have a suicide by cop than ever let them take him.


Sorry for the typos and tense issues, but its 3am and I am beat, but I am scared to go to bed.

Honey - ANY thoughts on staying with this guy are not coming from a healthy place at all.  You have been in the FOG too long to see reality as clearly as you should be right now.  I would say YES - it sounds like Stockholm syndrome or something similar.  You ABSOLUTELY MADE THE RIGHT DECISION - and you are lucky/blessed to have made it these following months to this point without serious harm. 

While I know his behavior was unacceptable, he was also not on his meds at the time and he is a Paranoid Schizophrenic with BPD.  This was not the norm for our life together, it was the worst of the worst.  His jail time was from a prank when he was 19, but the community made an example of him and his friends and charge them with a assault with a deadly weapon, that weapon being a pumpkin.  He got a raw deal and that is where his outstanding legal issues are and he is dealing with them now. 

When he is on his medication he is a lot better and can be pleasant to be around.  It wasn't all awful sometimes he was down right thoughtful, but he also could act like a child.

[Jbt857]

All of our exes had good qualities - if they had been bad all the time, we'd never have been with them.

But the fact remains that relationships with people with BPD usually fail, often in similar ways.

It's easy to ruminate on the good stuff but if you can focus on working on yourself and your self esteem, you'll be better able to see the entire relationship objectively, rather than selectively seeing the good. The truth is, if it was all good, you'd be still together and blissfully happy. You're not, because despite his good bits, there was an awful lot that wasn't good.

It's incredibly difficult to take off those blinkers and get the perspective to see the relationship objectively, and something I think most of us struggle with, but if you can get through to that point, you're on the right road to healing yourself from what sounds like a very disordered relationship. 

[Lady31]

Aggie,

I understand the need/desire to defend and downplay.  I went through this too and still struggle with it at times.  If you cannot see the seriousness of what you have posted and lived through, I still have to say you are in the fog big time.  And that is dangerous for you.

I think you are buying into the excuses for his behavior.  Again, I am not judging you because I did it too.  Your reality of the situation is skewed I think from being so close to this chaos, and you are excusing it with him being a Paranoid Schizophrenic.  Now, I am no psychiatrist - but if you re-read the first post, none of that sounds like paranoid schizophrenia to me!  He was completely in reality, and not in a paranoid state/doesn't sound like an episode - AT ALL.  I know it's hard to think that he was just mean and abusive, and KNEW what he was doing.  Have you actually talked with someone about what schizophrenia looks like?  

Your posts are extremely alarming.  The fact that you chose to stay in the house that night after that behavior is also very telling about where you are in the FOG.

I'm saying this because I would hope that it would start to hit home in your spirit and the alarm bells will start going off in you.  I think you will probably find that a lot of what you thought was real is not.

Good thing he is far, far away and you made it through it unharmed.  It will be up and down with recovery from this relationship, we all go through that.    to you and there is a beautiful future for you without all the chaos and abuse.

[aggie04girl]

Aggie,

I understand the need/desire to defend and downplay.  I went through this too and still struggle with it at times.  If you cannot see the seriousness of what you have posted and lived through, I still have to say you are in the fog big time.  And that is dangerous for you.

I think you are buying into the excuses for his behavior.  Again, I am not judging you because I did it too.  Your reality of the situation is skewed I think from being so close to this chaos, and you are excusing it with him being a Paranoid Schizophrenic.  Now, I am no psychiatrist - but if you re-read the first post, none of that sounds like paranoid schizophrenia to me!  He was completely in reality, and not in a paranoid state/doesn't sound like an episode - AT ALL.  I know it's hard to think that he was just mean and abusive, and KNEW what he was doing.  Have you actually talked with someone about what schizophrenia looks like?  

Your posts are extremely alarming.  The fact that you chose to stay in the house that night after that behavior is also very telling about where you are in the FOG.

I'm saying this because I would hope that it would start to hit home in your spirit and the alarm bells will start going off in you.  I think you will probably find that a lot of what you thought was real is not.

Good thing he is far, far away and you made it through it unharmed.  It will be up and down with recovery from this relationship, we all go through that.    to you and there is a beautiful future for you without all the chaos and abuse.

I am not blaming it on his Schizophrenia, but he was not on medication or it or his BPD.  I do know what Schizophrenia looks like.  It's not all episodes.  High levels or irrational agitation or irritability as well as improper behavioral responses are common.  You combine this with the BPD and NO medication and someone with both these illnesses is not going to behave very well.

I don't consider it an excuse, but I know he does not react the way normal people do or will.

I know I am out and it's for the best, but it is hard to not care.  Both his illnesses suck and are not his fault.  It's just a sad all around.