Traumatic relationship causing me to have NO sex drive?

[Tryingnottoslip]

Hello everyone,

Has anyone suffered from a low sex drive  after their relationship? I associate sex with my borderline ex so I don't want to even think about sex since it gives me nothing but negative feelings such as depression and shame. The shame is a two way street. I have shame for the way she made me feel and for how long I stayed. I also feel shame that I am still thinking about her while she is out having sex with other men. I guess the latter brings me the most shame. I'm wasting time and energy missing someone who has no consideration for me.

I stopped looking at women, I have a low sex drive. And since I suffer from OCD, I even began to obsessively question my own sexual orientation now. I love women, and I want a meaningful relationship with them but I feel like that would never happen.  I have so many friends who go on mini vacations with their girlfriends to Paris, London, the Caribbean, etc. I feel like I would never have that opportunity.  This has taken such a toll on me that I'm even questioning my most basic primal needs and I ask myself, am I Gay? My OCD starts running amok saying yes yes yes yes yes yes. I wish I could make is all go away.  I wish she never had BPD. I wish could find. Beautiful girl whom I can establish something meaningful.

If there is anyone on here who has/is going through the same, I'd be more than grateful.

[struggli]

I couldn't watch porn for almost a year.

And when I watch now, I think "These women are just as f--ked up as my ex." 

I am likely a misogynist at the moment.  Every time I sense manipulation in a woman, an alarm goes off in my head.  No matter how cute/harmless it seems,  I am triggered, because that's how my ex started out.

I have a huge wall up that keeps women away.  I am in the same kind of work environment I was in when I met my ex, talking to many pretty women throughout my day, but all I can think of is ":)anger! Stay away!"

In time, these feelings will probably pass, and I will feel like "me" again.  Maybe my BPD/manipulation/gaslight/etc radar will get calibrated to a normal level.

Women flirt with me, women are clearly interested in me, but I consciously keep them all away. 

I have not had sex since with uBPDex over a year ago, I have not gone a date, etc.  This time is for me.  I'd rather masturbate to a video of a crazy girl or a fantasy than to get hooked up with one in real life.  For right now, it's just not worth it to me.  I just don't have any energy left to jump in and try again.  My ex... .I put all my energy into her and a lot of it is still there.

I am a very sexual person.  It's very important to me.  You can call me sappy, but I've never been able to have casual sex and enjoy it.  I've always wanted it to be with someone I trust and know.  And I just can't find a woman I trust and know because I am not open to it.

While, I don't suspect I'm gay as you mentioned of yourself, I have given up on women with no definite timeline.  Being alone, being safe, being secure with myself are more important now.   There was a time (not long ago at all) when I was feeling really crappy about not having that physical and emotional connection, but I toughed it out.  When women flirt with me or indicate interest, I keep them at arm's length.  I am flattered and I flirt back and remain friendly, but nothing goes further even if they want it to.

[Tryingnottoslip]

Struggli,

Your post is as if I were to type that myself.

I am currently speaking to a woman who I have a great time with hanging out but uhm... .for a lack of a better word, she has been around the block more than a few times. Since I have OCD I don't want to have any fear of catching anything. So whenever she wants to engage in something more than kissing or anything I stray from that. I've had many casual sex partners and to me, that just feel empty. I don't want that.  I want a woman whom I can get an endorphin high just smelling her, hearing her soft voice, touching her soft skin. Someone whom I have a higher connection with.

[Tryingnottoslip]

Being alone, being safe, being secure with myself are more important now.   There was a time (not long ago at all) when I was feeling really crappy about not having that physical and emotional connection, but I toughed it out.  When women flirt with me or indicate interest, I keep them at arm's length.  I am flattered and I flirt back and remain friendly, but nothing goes further even if they want it to.



While I know for a fact that I am heterosexual, my OCD is a demon. I do the same thing you mentioned. I keep them away. I don't want to feel inadequate, I don't want to  have the same rejection, that pain I felt. No way I don't want that.

[struggli]

Yes, one has to recuperate.  We all have different timelines, but I know I still am not close.

[emotionaholic]

I brought up this subject with my T not long ago.  Though I still take care of myself it feels more like a habit than anything else.  And when I see attractive women out there I just don't get that sexual excitement.  I had told my T that I was worried that my libido was gone and worried it would not come back.  She told me not to worry that eventually when I meet the right girl i will get it back.  So to sum it up I have been on 4 dates with this really cute girl.  Even though I find her very attractive I have not had that uncontrollable pressure in my pants so to say and was really worried about it.  Then on the last date after dinner at her house I got a great hug and kiss goodnight, no full on make out session just a nice close hug and kissing.  As I turned to walk out the door I had not even realized it but it was back 

Take care of yourself, let go of the fear, and take some time to get to know someone.  BPD should only destroy those who have it, not us.

[ShadowDancer]

I couldn't watch porn for almost a year.

And when I watch now, I think "These women are just as f--ked up as my ex."  

My sentiments EXACTLY! I still cannot stomach porn. All I see is lost souls. But I do have a steady and wonderful relationship with a "woman" (as opposed to a disorder) who I love... .and whom loves me. When I think of her... .the Beatles "In my life" and "Hey Jude" comes to mind. Take a sad song and make it better... .oh my!

[Oliolioxenfree]

Mine was pretty low in the months following my 2 year relationship and subsequent discard by my BPDexbf.  I tried to date someone and it all felt forced, I told everyone I thought I had become asexual many many times.  I had no sex drive at all.


Then I met my current boyfriend and Im happy to say my sex drive is back and just as strong as it was  before.  It ooh me awhile to get here.  This seems common.  We need time to not only break the emotional bonds but also those sexual/physical bonds as well.  When you are intimate with someone your brain creates emotional bonds and associates the touch/smell of that person with memories.  Physical becomes entangled with emotional.  So yes, it takes sometime.  this may be some of the reason it is so hard for us none in the wake of our failed BPD relationships, because many of them were based on the sexual connection and bonds.  What you experience is the crash of this high.  the withdrawal.

Give yourself time, it'll come back

[Tryingnottoslip]

My borderline ex was a victim of sexual abuse so I couldn't stand to watch porn. Id often think these women are just or worse mentally than my ex, and That's just one of the saddest things in this life.

Anyway, I agree with olieolieoxenfree, without a doubt.

I've had many casual one night stands and sexual flings throughout my teenage/early twenties. Now? After my BPDex? I crave for something more. Consequently, my BPDex was a woman whom I actually became intimate with. Sex just wasn't sex with her, and the bond I had with her was beyond anything else I had. We became so close that, at one point, she because so physically ill, I actually had to wipe her behind since we were stuck in a huge snow storm. How could one easily break free from those emotional shackles?

The reason I said I question my sexuality is because I don't think it's normal for a straight person to run away from any sexual thought. To run away from potential partners. Instead of feeling happy about being in a new relationship, I panic and feel anxiety. It has never happened before. What could you wonderful people tell me about this? Is this normal?

[Juno]

I went through this with my ex. The relationship lasted two years with lots of breakups on my part. Yet, we always seemed to get back together. She knew what buttons to push. My weakness was compassion and guilt. I would get some awful letters from her that would just cut me to pieces.  In the end I would give in. My situation is probably much different than yours. I was 18 and she was 34 years old. In the beginning I thought the relationship was about friendship, but it quickly turned into nothing but nonstop sex. She got something from the sex and it was more than an a orgasm. She was in a different world when she was having sex. She wanted to be in that place as much as possible. Our dates consisted of sex before dinner and after dinner. Then it became nothing more than meet here or there for a quickie. It didn't matter if it was in a hotel room or in a public place. If we got together we were having some type of sex. The stories I could tell you would make you blush. It was completely out of control and not normal. I tried to tell my therapist about this and he seems to be lost. All I can say sex meant something very powerful to her. I don't think it was because she was attracted to me. Although, the age difference could of added an element to it, but I don't know. She used say to me all the time "people want what they can't have". I'm not sure what the meant as far as me, but she had a very hard time dealing with rejection when I finally left her.

Anyway, it did affect me. I looked at myself as nothing more as a toy to this woman and I really wanted to find someone who had much better qualities than being "hot" and wanting to have sex. I slowed down a lot after I broke things off with her. I wasn't really jealous if she was having sex with other guys. I guess because it became so apparent that sex was much more important in her world. I wanted a real relationship not some type of sexual fantasy. So the thought of her having sex with different people didn't bother me in the least bit. She used to send me letters describing her having sex with other guys and all I did was roll my eyes. I could care less and quite frankly hoped she would latch onto someone so she would leave me alone.

My situation was pretty messed up. I welcomed the period when things slowed down. I was 20 when I broke it off from her. I'd say I went about a year without having any sex at all. I just needed a break and I knew being 20 it would be very easy to find someone, but that break was more important at that point in my life. Just give it time. I never once questioned my sexuality. I was just worn out physically and mentally after two years with this woman.

[Aw511]

I have zero, don't watch porn, nothing. All of it makes me ill. My ex even had the audacity to ask me whether I'd been watching a lot of porn lately during our last conversation (after minutes before telling me he's never talking to me again). I told him I'm asexual now... .might be true. I'm okay with it... . 

[DownandOut]

My borderline ex was a victim of sexual abuse so I couldn't stand to watch porn. Id often think these women are just or worse mentally than my ex, and That's just one of the saddest things in this life.

Anyway, I agree with olieolieoxenfree, without a doubt.

I've had many casual one night stands and sexual flings throughout my teenage/early twenties. Now? After my BPDex? I crave for something more. Consequently, my BPDex was a woman whom I actually became intimate with. Sex just wasn't sex with her, and the bond I had with her was beyond anything else I had. We became so close that, at one point, she because so physically ill, I actually had to wipe her behind since we were stuck in a huge snow storm. How could one easily break free from those emotional shackles?

The reason I said I question my sexuality is because I don't think it's normal for a straight person to run away from any sexual thought. To run away from potential partners. Instead of feeling happy about being in a new relationship, I panic and feel anxiety. It has never happened before. What could you wonderful people tell me about this? Is this normal?

Don't feel that way, I've been where you are. Unfortunate to say, after my b/u I had my own rebound with someone who was into me for a while. We'd had sex before and it was good, but after my b/u I was actually repulsed by my rebound similar to the way my uBPDexgf seemed to be repulsed by me. It appears that it's all mental and we will eventually get through it. My sex drive is much higher now and, after 3 months NC, it will only get better.

[peas]

I have the sex drive, but I don't have the emotional drive. The thought of falling in love with someone else breaks my heart because that person is not my uBPDexbf. I still can't let go of him in my mind.

Although my heart is still bruised and I miss my ex as a partner, somehow I am able to put that aside and have sex  or masturbate. I have had sex twice with a friend with benefits and it has been an overall pleasant experience. Especially the second time. I was more relaxed, thought about exBPD guy less, and I appreciated how attentive my FWB was with my sexual needs.

When the devaluation stage started in my BPD r/s, my ex did a job on me mentally when it came to sex because he wouldn't please me the way I wanted and then he stopped initiating sex with me, or if he did, he was drunk. Me having to initiate sex more often really messed me up. And, do you know how awful it is for him to have told me he wants to touch another woman's fake boobs while I have natural 36DDs and he ignored them? Or when I would try to make eye contact during sex and his eyes are shut tight so he didn't have to look at me? He also stopped ejaculating. He just shut off emotionally and physically and that hurt me deeply. I'm still trying to get past that and my FWB is helping.

[Waifed]

Sex, what is this crazy thing that you speak of.  It is only a distant memory for me.  I will have to re educate myself about this subject! 

[ucmeicu2]

I've had many casual sex partners and to me, that just feel empty. I don't want that.  I want a woman whom I can get an endorphin high just smelling her, hearing her soft voice, touching her soft skin. Someone whom I have a higher connection with.

over the yrs i've had all kinds of sexual partners, all levels of commitment, but i never want casual sex again. 

i had a higher connection, like you describe, with my xBPDgf.  now, after her, i feel empty, almost asexual.  and i haven't seen her or talked to her for 8 months!

and the times when i do masturbate, i cry afterwards... .sometimes during!    i cannot tell you how much this sucks, how awful it is.

[Ironmanrises]

and the times when i do masturbate, i cry afterwards... .sometimes during!    i cannot tell you how much this sucks, how awful it is.

In bold.

That happens to me too.

I can certainly relate.

I never experienced that problem... .

Before my exUBPDgf.

[santa]

Give yourself some time. Your ex didn't invent sex. Don't give her that much ownership of you.

[ucmeicu2]

and the times when i do masturbate, i cry afterwards... .sometimes during!    i cannot tell you how much this sucks, how awful it is.

In bold.

That happens to me too.

I can certainly relate.

I never experienced that problem... .

Before my exUBPDgf.

ironman, i am sorry that you're experiencing this, too.  but i must say it gives me comfort to know i'm not the only one.  i don't believe it's just depression ~ had that before, nothing like this.  searched online but didn't see anybody else relating quite this situation.  have wondered if i was going mad. 

(well, what did come up in search is something i have experienced before, but those were happy tears after an especially joyful or deep connection sexually with a person.  that has happened several times but that's woah so not what's going on now.)

sorry if i wasn't clear but, yeah, this never happened to me before the break up w/xBPDgf, either (oh, and "i" broke up w/her, btw! it's not even like i was dumped, but it feels that way sometimes).  i've been in love before, infatuated before, had crushes before, had break ups before, had my heart broke before ~ NEVER had this.  it's like, unreal.

general question:  has anybody else experienced this and gotten over it?

again, my sympathies ironman.  i know how devastating all this can feel.

[peas]

general question:  has anybody else experienced this and gotten over it?

Maybe you should make yourself get back into a sex life. I think it's part of the work that has to be done in the healing. I have been broken up with BPDex for five months, NC four months, and have had sex three times with two different men (both were guys I fooled around with before my ex; they were acquaintances). Now, I did not plan to have sex so soon after the b/u, the opportunity arose and I wanted to be held and touched.

The first time hurt my heart, but I kind of enjoyed it. 

The second time hurt my heart, but I kind of enjoyed it.

The third time hurt my heart a little less and I kind of enjoyed it a little more. 

[ucmeicu2]

general question:  has anybody else experienced this and gotten over it?

Maybe you should make yourself get back into a sex life. I think it's part of the work that has to be done in the healing. I have been broken up with BPDex for five months, NC four months, and have had sex three times with two different men (both were guys I fooled around with before my ex; they were acquaintances). Now, I did not plan to have sex so soon after the b/u, the opportunity arose and I wanted to be held and touched.

The first time hurt my heart, but I kind of enjoyed it. 

The second time hurt my heart, but I kind of enjoyed it.

The third time hurt my heart a little less and I kind of enjoyed it a little more. 

hi peas, thanx for sharing and i'm glad that strategy worked for you but honestly the thought of being with anybody else makes me feel nauseaus and knots up my stomach.  i just couldn't do it. 

[necchi]

I feel you people... .i had some offers but can't get her of my mind right now, usually I would think of her , but now It only makes me mad,angry,and sad. This even when I " test" myself ( alone ) but she all know we'll get through this don't we ?... .don't we  ?

[ucmeicu2]

I feel you people... .i had some offers but can't get her of my mind right now, usually I would think of her , but now It only makes me mad,angry,and sad. This even when I " test" myself ( alone ) but we all know we'll get through this don't we ?... .don't we  ?

i used to think of her too, when i was "testing myself alone" as you say (cute!) but then one day there was just saddness and tears.  so i stopped thinking of her, but the saddness and tears were still there.  no matter who or what i think of, there is always still the sadness and tears afterwards.  it's like she ruined me for anybody else, even myself!  it's demoralizing.  i just try not to do it at all anymore.

and to answer your question (don't we don't we?), i dunno, i vascillate... .i just hope and pray that i will get through this, it will get better, and someday i'll be an even better version of myself... .

this process, i kinda liken it to forging steel:  from out of the fire comes something better than what went in... .a superior product... .stronger than ever.

marinro, i feel for you too.  how long was your r/s and how long have you been NC?

[love4meNOTu]

Hi-

Zero sex drive here.  

When my husband and I were together and happy, I wanted to make love every day.

Now?

The thought of it makes me want to burst into tears. At this point I can't imagine ever letting someone that close to me again. I've never been into casual sex, it never turned me on.

I'm also on antidepressants, and my doctor said that could be a side effect.

I do think it will come back some day, when I can trust another man again. It's only been six months, and I've still got a lot of healing to do. My therapist says "give it a year". I think she's probably right. Emotionally I couldn't deal with any type of rejection right now, I'm still too mad at myself for letting a disordered person into my life and into my head.

Blessings.

love4

[ThanksForPlaying]

My uBPDexgf is beautiful, perfect in my mind.  I'm messed up because girls who aren't perfect don't excite me.  I've even been lucky enough to find another "perfect ten" according to my friends, and I can't enjoy sex because I just feel like she's waiting to crush my soul.  I know... .There are worse things to complain about than being with hot girls, but only on this board do people understand what I'm saying.  My friends just don't get it.

[Tryingnottoslip]

Hey all,

Thank you for the responses! I'm glad I'm not the only one he who has had a low sex drive, well non existent  .

It's rough to have someone whom we perceive to be so beautiful yet so empty and dark on the inside. The only thing I can compare that to is the banal rose cliche.

Beautiful but has many thorns.

I have some sort of optimism from reading here. Hopefully things do get better!

[necchi]

I feel you people... .i had some offers but can't get her of my mind right now, usually I would think of her , but now It only makes me mad,angry,and sad. This even when I " test" myself ( alone ) but we all know we'll get through this don't we ?... .don't we  ?

i used to think of her too, when i was "testing myself alone" as you say (cute!) but then one day there was just saddness and tears.  so i stopped thinking of her, but the saddness and tears were still there.  no matter who or what i think of, there is always still the sadness and tears afterwards.  it's like she ruined me for anybody else, even myself!  it's demoralizing.  i just try not to do it at all anymore.

and to answer your question (don't we don't we?), i dunno, i vascillate... .i just hope and pray that i will get through this, it will get better, and someday i'll be an even better version of myself... .

this process, i kinda liken it to forging steel:  from out of the fire comes something better than what went in... .a superior product... .stronger than ever.

marinro, i feel for you too.  how long was your r/s and how long have you been NC?

been with her for 4 years but its been on and off, long story,at first she was just a friend... .anyway been 4 months n/c

[Pretty Woman]

It's hard to have a sex drive when someone is always calling you names and cheating on you.  It's like yeah," do me" after calling me a f'n as@"ole.

I know I am being blunt but it's true, isn't it?

It's funny how a BPD craves attention and bonding but pushes it away with their actions.  I lost the desire sexually for my BPD mid relationship and yeah now I could care less.

I think it takes time. It takes time to get over the hurt, pain and regain trust.  For me, sex is so intimate and I need to trust that person.  Someday I will. It's regaining that trust that will get you there. I strongly believe that. 

[ucmeicu2]

It's rough to have someone whom we perceive to be so beautiful yet so empty and dark on the inside. The only thing I can compare that to is the banal rose cliche.

Beautiful but has many thorns.

awe, banal yes but oh so true.

but hey, i had a funny image flash in my head after seeing the thorny rose vision you invoked, venus fly trap!

[Tryingnottoslip]

yes a venus fly trap is another great analogy.

It's both nice and heartbreaking to see so many other people feeling wha I am feeling.   

If anyone is reading this... .Any thing you're doing that is helping you recover?

[Slowlybutsurely]

It took me TWO YEARS to be remotely interested in sex/a romantic relationship again. Two years is a long time, but it is what it is... . 

You know what, though? Once you are healed, you can start making up for lost time,