The relationship recycling can be so hard emotionally.
Detachment is hard.
Here's a little but from the Recycling Workshop ... .It asks a couple of good questions to ask ourselves when we get caught up in this cycle.
Do any of these seem like things you are struggling with?
(clicking on the teal link below will take you to it directly)
Relationship Recycling
What is it?This workshop is about "break-up/make-up" cycles and when and how it can become toxic and what we should do.
When is this unhealthy? Let's break this down. Sixty-two (62%) of relationships do not end at the first break-up. For a wife to have second thoughts about a divorce is normal. Sometimes our own self doubt makes us want to try one more time. Sometimes one partner promises to change something. To reconnect with a person after a break-up 1-2 times is really not all that unusual.
When there are more than 4, 5, 6 "break-up/make-up" cycles in a relationship there is something seriously wrong. And when this happens, the conventional relationship expectations are pretty much out the window.
Why do we get caught up in cycles?These are the questions we need to answer if we ever want the break-up/make-up cycle to end. Are we returning to this person because we are in love with them and the relationship has a chance, or are we returning to this person because they feel safe?
- Are we afraid to be alone?
- Do we have our own abandonment issues?
- Are we fearful that we cannot find someone as good as them again?
- Are we fearful of the next step (dating, financial issues, etc.)
Why do our "BPD" partners recycle? It is hard for us to understand why our partner is expressing an interest after they left in a torrent of bad behavior (e.g., cheating, raging and telling us that we are a horrible people).
"If they don't love me, why this?" The answer is much of the same reasons as we have... .plus a few others that are related to the disorder.
- Inability to deal with acute loneliness
- Severe insecurity / needing validation (from someone that highly values them)
- Shame / wanting to prove they are a good person (to us or themselves)
- Immaturity/Manipulation/Control - the break-up was just a way to get their way.
If You Want to Stay in the Relationship: The ability to end break-up/make-up cycles and stay in a relationship takes a deep commitment by both partners. This often means structured rehabilitation (counseling, workshops, classes, self-help programs, etc.).
If you are both open to restarting the relationship, remember the problem isn't going to go away without work. Hope is not enough (on both sides)... .
More details in the workshop
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