Just when things seemed better...

[crazedncrazymom]

DD16 asked to talk to me this morning.  She said she almost committed suicide last night.  She wrote a note and had the cleaning fluids in her room that she was planning to drink.  I called her therapist and hopefully she will be able to come visit with dd before our trip to the er.

I'm just so tired and hurting right now.  I try to view each setback as a step forward in a weird way.  You know... at least she's communicating.  She should be so proud of herself for telling people what's going on.  blah blah blah... .today or at least this minute there's just nothing.  I'm at such a loss in what to do.

DH is talking about rtf again.  He may be right.  I don't know.

-crazed

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[qcarolr]

crazedncrazymom - 

So much pain. for you. for your d. And she reached out to you. Hoping the T can give care you each need. Be kind to yourself.

Keeping you in prayers - courage, strength, guidance, healing.

qcr

[jellibeans]

crazed

My heart hurts for you and your dd. Have you found the cause of her recent suicidal thoughts? What is going on in her world? What can you do to releive some of the stress? Do you think her therapist is helping her? So many questions... .I recently had a set back with my dd and I know the feeling you are having... .is it ever going to get better? I try to put things in perspective and look at the whole picture... .things are hard right now but I do beleive they will get better. If we can get our dd's through these teen years I am hopeful there are better days ahead. Sending a hug your way   

[six]

Hi crazed

I hear your pain

I had a setback with my BPDs26 over the weekend as well

and he has been making such progress lately!

such a disappointment to be back in a place of chaos after what seemed like weeks of moving forward!

but we need to not minimize the tiny steps forward

my son has made so much progress the past few weeks

even though we are going down an old familiar path now of harassing emails and swearing parties

I know that the progress of the past weeks is still part of him

and we will get thru this and move forward

with BPD, no matter how good things get, there is always the danger of slipping back in to the bad patterns

but that does not mean that the good stuff is worthless

I think it is a big deal that your dd called and told you and essentially asked for help moving forward

if you don't know what is happening you cant possible help her but when she opens up to you and shares her pain, you are in  a position to help

[Suzn]

So sorry this happened crazed.    How scary for you. I think you are right though, she is communicating. She came to you and thank goodness.

Let us know how you are both doing. 

[Rapt Reader]

crazedncrazymon  

I'm so sorry to hear that this is happening with your daughter; I'm glad she told you so you could get her the help she needs right now. Has she been admitted to the hospital? To somewhere else? I'm sure her Therapist will have some ideas for you... .Please know that we are all rooting for you and your family.

Please keep us updated. I'm so sorry... .

[crazedncrazymom]

Thanks everyone for your good wishes!

Just a quick update before I crash.  I took her to the er.  Her therapists showed up and had a session with me and dh.  They are such a positive force that it was impossible not to feel better about the situation.

She was admitted and sent to a facility.  We followed to bring clothes and to sign papers.  It took forever to admit her.  At the end with only the hug goodbye left, she saw a girl in her building that had sexually harassed her the last time she was at this facility.  The situation was so creepy that dd still has flashbacks.  DD freaked out and came running to me.  She was shaking and crying.  We signed AMA papers and brought her home.  She can now contract for safety at least for tonight and we'll re-evaluate in the morning.

-crazed

[qcarolr]

My heart goes out to your DD. How terrifying when already struggling. I hope another option opens up for you soon.

Hope you all can rest tonight.

qcr

[BioAdoptMom3]

I am so sorry!  It always seems to me too that as soon as things go well for awhile, we hit another crisis!  Exhausted is the right word for us parents for sure!  You are right to see the light shining through by thinking of the fact that she shared with you so she could get some help!  Please try to focus on that as much as you can!  Is she admitted to the hospital?  Please let us know how she is doing, and how you are holding up!  You and your family are in my prayers as we speak!

[griz]

I am so sorry that you are going through this right now and yet I see your daughter coming to you as such a big step.  I don't know if this will be helpful but I would often see a set back occuring just when things were going well.  It became a pattern and I think the set back was fear for my DD. When things were going well she would be happy but then I also believe that she was fearful of moving forward.  I remember once reading an article about BPD that said to be very careful when someone is making progress not to over emphasize the progress because even though they are making accomplishments there is that fear that they will be well enough to go it alone and that is very scary to them.  So why would they want to revert backwards... .because it is safe.  There is that old saying "better the devil you know than the devil you don't".  Makes perfect sense for our children.  The world is a scary place for them.  We are their safety nets.  Our love is ALWAYS there and we protect them.  Applaud the skill that she came to you.  Pat yourself on the back for knowing that your daughter feels so safe with you and loved by you that she can come to you.  Things will get better and in the meantime I will keep my thoughts with you.

Griz

[lbjnltx]

I am so sorry that you are going through this right now and yet I see your daughter coming to you as such a big step.  I don't know if this will be helpful but I would often see a set back occuring just when things were going well.  It became a pattern and I think the set back was fear for my DD. When things were going well she would be happy but then I also believe that she was fearful of moving forward.  I remember once reading an article about BPD that said to be very careful when someone is making progress not to over emphasize the progress because even though they are making accomplishments there is that fear that they will be well enough to go it alone and that is very scary to them.  So why would they want to revert backwards... .because it is safe.  There is that old saying "better the devil you know than the devil you don't".  Makes perfect sense for our children.  The world is a scary place for them.  We are their safety nets.  Our love is ALWAYS there and we protect them.  Applaud the skill that she came to you.  Pat yourself on the back for knowing that your daughter feels so safe with you and loved by you that she can come to you.  Things will get better and in the meantime I will keep my thoughts with you.

Griz

Her is an excerpt from the article Griz is referring to:

1. Remember that change is difficult to achieve and fraught with fears. Be cautious about suggesting that “great” progress has been made or giving “You can do it” reassurances. Progress evokes fears of abandonment.

The families of people with Borderline Personality Disorder can tell countless stories of instances in which their son or daughter went into crisis just as that person was beginning to function better or to take on more responsibility. The coupling of improvement with a relapse is confusing and frustrating but has a logic to it. When people make progress - by working, leaving day treatment, helping in the home, diminishing self-destructive behaviors, or living alone- they are becoming more independent. They run the risk that those around them who have been supportive, concerned, and protective will pull away, concluding that their work is done. The supplies of emotional and financial assistance may soon dry up, leaving the person to fend for herself in the world. Thus, they fear abandonment. Their response to the fear is a relapse. They may not make a conscious decision to relapse, but fear and anxiety can drive them to use old coping methods. Missed days at work, self-mutilation, a suicide attempt, or a bout of overeating, purging or drinking may be a sign that lets everyone around know that the individual remains in distress and needs their help. Such relapses may compel those around her to take responsibility for her through protective measures such as hospitalization. Once hospitalized, she has returned to her most regressed state in which she has no responsibilities while others take care of her.

When signs of progress appear, family members can reduce the risk of relapse by not showing too much excitement about the progress and by cautioning the individual to move slowly. This is why experienced members of a hospital staff tell borderline patients during discharge not that they feel confident about their prospects, but that they know the patient will confront many hard problems ahead. While it is important to acknowledge progress with a pat on the back, it is meanwhile necessary to convey understanding that progress is very difficult to achieve. It does not mean that the person has overcome her emotional struggles. You can do this by avoiding statements such as, “You’ve made great progress,” or, “I’m so impressed with the change in you.” Such messages imply that you think they are well or over their prior problems. Even statements of reassurance such as, “That wasn’t so hard,” or, “I knew you could do it,” suggest that you minimize their struggle. A message such as, “Your progress shows real effort. You’ve worked hard. I’m pleased that you were able to do it, but I’m worried that this is all too stressful for you,” can be more empathic and less risky.



From     

FAMILY GUIDELINES

Multiple Family Group - McLean Hospital

https://bpdfamily.com/content/support-child-therapy

John G. Gunderson, M.D. and Cynthia Berkowitz, M.D., Harvard University (2006)

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[crazedncrazymom]

Thank you all for your good positive thoughts.  They really have been so helpful to read.  We did find out dd has been using a lighter to burn herself.  She wouldn't talk about it and when I pushed, she yelled and ran upstairs.  That usually means it's pretty bad.

DD's therapist suggested I do a mini hospital setting here.  She is in my sight at all times except the bathroom (therapist wanted bathroom door open but I didn't want to fight that battle).  She still seems about the same.  We got rid of all of our cleaning supplies and I will be replacing them with non-toxic supplies. 

I have to say it's so confusing because one minute she'll tell me that she is suicidal, the next she is acting perfectly normal.  Then she's suicidal.  It's very confusing.


Griz and LBJ I do remember reading that article.  That is a really good point and I"ll have to remember that in the future.

-crazed

She was very unhappy with the couch but we were all too tired to bring her mattress down last ni

[crumblingdad]

Such a traumatic and terrifying experience for you and your family when you can only wonder if she will make an attempt.  Are there any other facilities in the area to seek inpatient help or have you decided to move forward without it at this point?

Are you considering RTC?  What does therapist think at this point is best route?

Truly hope whatever direction you take that it works out as I know from our dd16 attempting suicide and multiple threats that have led to 3 hospitalizations that it's just so exhausting and draining on everyone.

Thoughts and prayers being sent your way that your dd stays safe in the interim and that you can find some peace and rest for yourself through this.

[jellibeans]

I think it is the shame that is over whelming for our kids. I am sure your dd is feeling that. When my dd was unstable we took her door off her room and just locked up everything. Not an easy way to live especially when it came to making dinner without a knife.

What was the trigger? Did she feel like she had made improvements then was frightened? or is school the problem? Although I think it is tempting to try to protect our dds from stress I also think they need to be exposed to it and realize they can get through it. I don't think they can see the future and that things are not always going to be the way they are now. I try to point out to my dd the good things when we are in the middle of them because I think she tends to focus on the negative.

Please keep posting... .I know this is a very unsettled time for you all but it will get better.

[crazedncrazymom]

crumbling,

we are doing a mini-hospital here.  :)D must stay in the living room with us at all times.  We decided due to arguments over dd wanting to be in her room that in the future, if we need, we will admit her to a hospital.  I was hoping this would work as I don't find hospitals to be helpful anyway, but I guess it's a place for her to be confined while I remain her support person instead of her jailer.

Today we came up with a new safety plan and talked about where her old safety plan failed.  I was at work and she doesn't want to call anyone to talk.  I found a crisis chat so she doesn't have to talk to anyone on the phone.  I told her she can ask that they contact me if she needs.  I will also talk to her therapist about getting her personal cell number that she can message in times of crisis.  The therapist may not be comfortable with that so she will decide if that's a good plan or not.  

to do list: find 2-3 other people that dd can text and ask them to call me if I am not home.

jellibeans,

There seem to be two triggers for this.  :)d's phone broke and I didn't run out and get a new one.  Also, she was not feeling supported by friends.  She did reach out to her best friend and was told "hey I have problems too".  This very well just could be dds way of showing her friends how crappy she felt.  Who knows really.

-crazed

[jellibeans]

crazed

I will tell you my dd had all of her overdoses when friends were involved... .she was either making news friends and wanted their attention and friendship or she was in a fight with a friend... .each time she called her friends for help. Is that attention seeking? I don't know but I think it is a desparate attempt to keep and make friends.

[qcarolr]

crazed

I will tell you my dd had all of her overdoses when friends were involved... .she was either making news friends and wanted their attention and friendship or she was in a fight with a friend... .each time she called her friends for help. Is that attention seeking? I don't know but I think it is a desparate attempt to keep and make friends.

Maybe this is really a sign of how deep the fear of abandonment and aloneness goes for our kids. It is about what the child beleives inside, even when this is very skewed from what all other's perceive as reality. I do think DBT skills really target this area. I am so sad that my BPDDD27 has never been open to treatment - though maybe she is at least on the doorstep right now.

I have seen this so clearly with my DD over the past 12 years in many friend relationships. She never seems to understand what went "wrong". The good friends eventually get burned out since it all seems to go one way. Like the 'inter' part of 'interpersonal relationship' is missing. 

My DD shifts really quickly out of the self-harm/suicidal ideation into raging and blaming the one she perceives as causing her pain. If a friend/bf is not there for her vengence, it is aimed straight at my heart.

You have such courage and patience in your love for your D, craxedncrazymom, to be this level of therapeutic parent. Keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers.

qcr

[crazedncrazymom]

Jeez I imagine that does sound very restrictive, jellibeans!  I use living room because that's what the therapist used.  Go figure.  Our main floor has an open floor plan and we only have half walls so you can sit in the living room, look through the office and into the kitchen.  She can be in any of these rooms.  We also go out a lot to run errands so she doesn't go stir crazy.

qcarolr,

You can't even imagine how good it made me feel when you said I was a therapeutic parent.  Seriously, I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes.  I remember when I first read Overcoming Borderline and was thinking Oh no!  I can never be a therapeutic parent.  I'm far too crazy for that.

Hmm, see I wish I knew what was happening with dd's friends when I'm not around.  What I see is a kind, giving person who goes way out of her way to be there for her friends.  One of her friends was having a really bad day and she begged me to let her take her some hot chocolate.  I was like... ok.  So we get in the car and she takes her friend hot chocolate, gave her friend a hug and said I hope you feel better.  Then we left.  WOW I want a friend like that! I think dd gets hurt and feels unwanted and unloved very easily. We all get hurt when our friends don't make time for us and brush us off.  She gets devastated and MAAAAD!    So I guess now I know what we need to focus on.  Thanks jellibeans for helping me see.  I mean I think I saw before, but now there's like a bright light of knowing what I need to do when before it was like a beat up old flashlight where you kind of knew.  Does that make any sense at all?

-crazed