Checked out his FB page, dying to break contact

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Well, after five months broken up and four months strict mutual NC, I checked out his FB page.

I had to create a FB page for work that is different from my personal FB account. So I used my work account to see his profile (I'm still blocked entirely from my personal account).

He looks good, but then again it's Facebook. There isn't much revealing because much of it is private and inaccessible. Up until today, I didn't check anything about him online. But curiosity got the better of me today.

I don't know if he is seeing someone. Many of his photos I can't see. The ones I can are banal, no women. That doesn't mean he isn't dating someone. 

Now I am dying to call him. But I'm very scared. He really wanted me gone when we were last in contact by text and we had a big argument where he said he would call the cops if I kept "threatening" him. For all I know he has blocked my cell number. I have not tested it since our last text exchange.

I'm in a very weak moment. I'm still holding out hope that he will come back to me. I am working through this in therapy, but it's like my desires for him have grown stronger with NC. I haven't detached.

[peas]

Well, after five months broken up and four months strict mutual NC, I checked out his FB page.

I had to create a FB page for work that is different from my personal FB account. So I used my work account to see his profile (I'm still blocked entirely from my personal account).

He looks good, but then again it's Facebook. There isn't much revealing because much of it is private and inaccessible. Up until today, I didn't check anything about him online. But curiosity got the better of me today.

I don't know if he is seeing someone. Many of his photos I can't see. The ones I can are banal, no women. That doesn't mean he isn't dating someone. 

Now I am dying to call him. But I'm very scared. He really wanted me gone when we were last in contact by text and we had a big argument where he said he would call the cops if I kept "threatening" him. For all I know he has blocked my cell number. I have not tested it since our last text exchange.

I'm in a very weak moment. I'm still holding out hope that he will come back to me. I am working through this in therapy, but it's like my desires for him have grown stronger with NC. I haven't detached.

[Pretty Woman]

Peas,

   If you don't mind me asking, how many times have you broken up before with this guy?

Mine did the same thing... .blocking and unblocking me to get a rise out of me. It worked.

Stay no contact and try to be happy. I have been through this six times this year, once being left for the ex. It was abusive. Verbally, mentally and then physically.

It hurts like hell but know you deserve better. Keep going to therapy, please

[peas]

We dated seven months and he always broke up with me, about four times. Then he would return within a few days. He was the one to break up but was also the one to come back.

When we had our last text argument, I called him out on that -- I told him kept breaking up and returning and he should have just stayed gone a long time ago.

[Turkish]

Mine realized that I blocked her just this week. I did it two weeks ago. Got sick of seeing the self-affirmation BS in between pics of our kids and her endless selfies. The affirmations made me sick, like she was the battered wife moving on with her life, when if anything it is the opposite! But then she flipped everything in our relationship.

I, too, am tempted to do what you did... .but what would that gain me? I have a few friends of mine that may keep an eye on it if she posts anything outrageous. I don't think so, though. As a friend of mine said (who has a probable BPDx), they are good at living the "in-betweens." Not all, but some. Presenting different faces to different people in their lives.

So what does it gain you? Would it help to write down the list of pros and cons, side by side, of continuing to check in on him?

[Pretty Woman]

You are not over him. I get it. I am there too. Ours was a year with talk of marriage and her always leaving me.

With that much re-engagement in a year he very well may return. You need to get it out of your head that you can fix it.

I know for a fact my ex seeks out all her exes. I asked friends if that was a lesbian thing. They said God no! She keeps tabs so when she is lonely and her needs are not being met she can pull them in for narcissistic supply.

It is not love, there is never change. The only constant is turmoil. Try to remember all the crap. It helps not going back.

I posted on here today. Read my post. It is a letter I have kept to remind me I am the sane one in this.

I hope it helps you too.  

[Turkish]

We dated seven months and he always broke up with me, about four times. Then he would return within a few days. He was the one to break up but was also the one to come back.

When we had our last text argument, I called him out on that -- I told him kept breaking up and returning and he should have just stayed gone a long time ago.

That is emotional abuse, peas. Don't let him keep doing it! If you give him an opening, he may.

I am struggling with the possibility of a recycle myself... .I think I could "manipulate" it to happen, but what would it gain me? The same end result.

[peas]

Thanks Turkish and Earth Angel,

I guess what I am looking for is to know he has truly "moved on" (I hate that phrase because it's what he always said to me -- "we're done, move on". I feel like it will help me get over him if I know after five months broken up that he is engaged or in a serious r/s or he still thinks I'm a jerk. It's that lack of closure we notoriously have a hard time getting through. I just want closure.

This is so messed up. Why do I want to torture myself? It's like I couldn't get enough hard feelings during the r/s. I'm going back for more.

[numbr3]

Peas-

when I told a friend about me trying to work things out with my xH he said:

"You are like a dog returning to its vomit".

At first I thought he was rather harsh but he was totally right.  We get used to the abuse, think we deserve it , we set ourselves up for it and accept it.

My xh has been through so many women, he will never admit anything is wrong with him he just continues on.  All his relationships are volatile and short lived.  Hearing about each one is painful but he will treat them as I was treated.  I can't be jealous of that.  I certainly don't believe he will ever be happy in any relationship.  He doesn't know how.  He may "look" happy but he isn't.

It is so painful for us to accept all this, we are the ones who feel the pain.  Stay NC-it is the only way for you to stay sane and protect yourself from further damage.  I am 4 yrs NC and it is still hard.

[Oliolioxenfree]

Well, after five months broken up and four months strict mutual NC, I checked out his FB page.

I had to create a FB page for work that is different from my personal FB account. So I used my work account to see his profile (I'm still blocked entirely from my personal account).

He looks good, but then again it's Facebook. There isn't much revealing because much of it is private and inaccessible. Up until today, I didn't check anything about him online. But curiosity got the better of me today.

I don't know if he is seeing someone. Many of his photos I can't see. The ones I can are banal, no women. That doesn't mean he isn't dating someone. 

Now I am dying to call him. But I'm very scared. He really wanted me gone when we were last in contact by text and we had a big argument where he said he would call the cops if I kept "threatening" him. For all I know he has blocked my cell number. I have not tested it since our last text exchange.

I'm in a very weak moment. I'm still holding out hope that he will come back to me. I am working through this in therapy, but it's like my desires for him have grown stronger with NC. I haven't detached.

Hi Peas,

Ive been there.  I know how hard it is to stop looking at his facebook page.  You want validation that they either 1. have moved on or 2. If they haven’t that they have possibly changed and are thinking of you.  It’s a slippery Slope and delays healing.

I wont tell you what to do here because I KNOW myself just how hard it is to stop doing it.  But I will leave you with some ideas on how to stop and speed your own healing along.

Every time you find yourself looking at his page, stop and gauge your feelings.  How does looking at his page make you feel?  Do you feel validated? Sad? Angry? Depressed? Or happy?

Let your feelings afterwards be your guide as to how to proceed in the future. If you find yourself sad and depressed and hurt or angry keep reminding yourself of those feelings which will ultimately deter you from repeatedly putting your hand in the fire.

For me that’s what ultimately stopped me from looking, and Im happy to say I haven’t looked at his page in months.  Not to say its isn’t tempting to check up and see what is happening in his new relationship, But I cant.  I dont want any surprises.  I found myself getting extremely depressed  every time I would look at it, and it didn’t need to happen!  Because nobody held  a gun to my head.  Once I realized I was torturing myself I stopped.  Sometimes I have to sit on my hands, but I stop because I know that no good will come of it.  It does get easier and easier to avoid temptation.  The longer you go, the easier it is.

Remember no one is going to plaster their sob stories and the fact  that they have a s****y life on social media.  What youll see is a false window of happiness., and you will feel inclined to believe it.  Don’t.  Its an illusion.  And they are bat-___-crazy.

[Turkish]

Peas-

when I told a friend about me trying to work things out with my xH he said:

"You are like a dog returning to its vomit".

That's a biblical quote, Proverbs 26:11 "Like a dog returning to its vomit, so fools repeat their folly." 

We know that there is so much more to this than just being a "fool."

The question we need to ask ourselves, however, is whether we will do the same thing in the future?

[peas]

In order to get a grip from when I first posted my SOS note a couple hours ago, I didn't make any rash moves and I got out of the house to kill time to think about breaking contact.

I still feel like I want to have a conversation with or some information from my ex. However I am considering contacting one of his friends first and explain to the friend that I'd like to contact my ex and does he know how he might react given my ex and I's hostile breakup.

I have to do something. I have read on these boards how 99% of the time breaking contact leads to a lot more misery and setback. Maybe I just need another kick in the pants to take a hint.

[bpdspell]

Peas,

I'm still holding out hope that he will come back to me.

Have you asked yourself why?

No one on here can judge you for still wanting your ex back but recycling costs. It's costs your self-worth, self-respect and your dignity. If I may ask what exactly do you think will happen if you have a successful recycle? He's mentally ill. Are you willing to deal with that? Are you willing to deal with the lack of reciprocity that comes with a narcissistic mind and being dumped on as his ever changing moods and unstable sense of self shifts?

Do you believe your worth that little?

It is ok to miss someone without reconnecting with them. Feel the feelings and then do something for yourself. Believing that a mentally ill person can love you to wholeness is like believing that a quadriplegic can beat Usain Bolt in an Olympic Sprint.

We all get up from the table when we're full but in your case I'd tread lightly especially because you have been completed painted black, rejected and abandoned several times, but yet you still desire more humiliation.

Please take the time to reflect on some personal insight for yourself. Our ex's are sick and you will not get what you ultimately want in the end.

4 or 5 months in I was in your shoes and still Jonesing for a reunion but the pain of what I knew would be a certain part of the recycle kept me from sending that accidental text, falling on my knees with pleads of desperation, and crying a river of tears on his doorstep. I have too much pride and ego to give my ex the satisfaction.

My ex did not treat me well AT ALL.

Remember this for yourself.

Spell

[fakename]

i think its normal to look at his fb page... .

i was glad when i reached a point when i could look at my ex's page and not really care out of anything but curiosity rather than longing to be with her... .

contacting my ex would only bring me pain and setbacks to my progress. i'm very good about no longer not needing to contact her. i'm proud of that. i let her do whatever she wants, and when/if she comes contacting me again, i'll simply know why i dont want to be with her - i don't like the way she treats me. its not good for me, and the good times aren't worth the bad times. there's a healthier way for me to live my life out there. whether it's alone or not.

excuse me if i sound rude - but stop hurting yourself. care for yourself the way you cared for him

[peas]

4 or 5 months in I was in your shoes and still Jonesing for a reunion but the pain of what I knew would be a certain part of the recycle kept me from sending that accidental text, falling on my knees with pleads of desperation, and crying a river of tears on his doorstep. I have too much pride and ego to give my ex the satisfaction.

Thanks BPDspell. I am not looking to plead in desperation or cry tears on his doorstep. At all. I feel like I need a normal conversation with him just to get me past this hump. I just want to stop feeling suspended and wondering if he still thinks I'm the devil. Or to know if he thinks of me at all.

As much as I miss this guy, I feel breaking contact will help me not miss him. I do not want to rekindle anything with my ex. That would be too weird. I guess I just want him as a friend for now until I am able to detach naturally. I want to neutralize his power over me and I feel like contact will help me get over the hump of just wondering about him all the time.

[Aw511]

I totally understand the wanting to contact him, but beware, in my experience there is rarely a "normal" conversation. I had what I thought was a "normal" closure conversation during which he was sweet and kind and agreed not to text me any longer so I could heal. We hugged and went our separate ways. He then continued to contact me, got angry when I didn't reply, and now he hates me. We are actually worse off now than we were prior to the conversation. Now I realize why he was so kind and agreeable, because everything I was saying was going in one ear and out the other. He has no regards for the pain he has put me through and only cares that I am not doing what he wants, which is to keep me on a string until he finds a suitable replacement. I blocked his number and have no intention of going back. Every time I do I am quickly reminded that nothing has changed. Stay strong.

[fakename]

peas,

thats tough.

i can understand your interest in knowing whether or not he thinks of you or whether he thinks youre the devil... .i was also in that place some time ago... .

i think everyone's recovery is different. and you are the best judge (with a clear mind, and after careful thought as to why and what you are trying to gain from any actions) as to what is best for you... .

for me, i wouldn't have done well if we maintained friendship while i was trying to get over her... .i remember doing that for her for a little while, cause thats what she wanted (but apparently it wasn't enough and that in itself caused issues for her)... it was also tough for me cause it made me still long for her - i was still infatuated with her voice, mannerisms, etc... .NC is what helped me in terms of stepping away from crazy and stepping away from the ideas i generated and maintained in my head about whatever absurd reality i was living while with her... .after a while, i was just able to recognize things better and its what ultimately led me to a place of not wanting to be with her... .i can say that will 100% belief in those words now. i couldn't months ago.

if you need more abuse, then feel free to contact with him...

i would want to try to get through things on my own without someone abusive or negative as my crutch. my crutches were this board, pushing myself mentally and physically, participating in my hobbies, my friends, family, etc.  my ex is def. not anywhere close to a good crutch... .

but like i said, ultimately, after careful thought - not desperation or weakness or loneliness - you know what's best for you... .

[peas]

peas,

thats tough.

i can understand your interest in knowing whether or not he thinks of you or whether he thinks youre the devil... .i was also in that place some time ago... .

i think everyone's recovery is different. and you are the best judge (with a clear mind, and after careful thought as to why and what you are trying to gain from any actions) as to what is best for you... .

but like i said, ultimately, after careful thought - not desperation or weakness or loneliness - you know what's best for you... .

Thank you Fakename! Yes, I need to make this decision with careful thought. The temptation to contact is fading a little bit, hour by hour. I made sure to not act impulsively when I was at a real weak point earlier today.  I posted to this board, called my mother, got out of the house -- all while really thinking it over. I also checked his FB page again, as much of it as I could to glean any new info. I followed links of women who commented on his photos to see who they were. The works.

But I think that's all I needed. Just to check him out again, even remotely, because for four months I have made myself resist looking at anything about him online. Now I feel like I can get on with my night. I saw his stuff, some photos brought up memories, but that's it.

I'll see how I feel tomorrow or the next day. I think the big thing is I have been so stern with myself about maintaining strict NC in every way and the stress was getting to me. 

[goldylamont]

I'll see how I feel tomorrow or the next day. I think the big thing is I have been so stern with myself about maintaining strict NC in every way and the stress was getting to me. 

good for you peas for waiting and not sending him a message! like fakename was saying, i think it's normal what you are doing, checking fb. and this will bring about all kinds of emotions, i know because i did the same. but as long as you *never* contact him then you're safe   and you know this. i think even though most people with say go strict NC and never check their fb that this is not realistic initially when detaching. pretty much, i would check her page whenever i wanted to even though i "didn't want to!", . and this just decreased a lot over time. after i un-friended her this helped more.

as long as you never act on the impulse of actually contacting him then i think you're safe.

you know when i would slip up and look at pics of her online i would make myself do some self-detachment work. if i saw a pic (her alone or with a guy) i would use this opportunity to let go a little bit. i would really allow myself to feel the physical anxiety, and as it washed over me i would breath through it, let it occur and understand it better. then, when i was ready, i'd take another glance at the pic that set me off and feel the next wave--and it would be much weaker.

i feel most anyone is going to get curious and fb stalk some--but you can use this as an opportunity to observe your response and work on it. might as well get something out of it, right?  best of luck to you, i think you're a champ for not sending that message

[peas]

you know when i would slip up and look at pics of her online i would make myself do some self-detachment work. if i saw a pic (her alone or with a guy) i would use this opportunity to let go a little bit. i would really allow myself to feel the physical anxiety, and as it washed over me i would breath through it, let it occur and understand it better. then, when i was ready, i'd take another glance at the pic that set me off and feel the next wave--and it would be much weaker.

i feel most anyone is going to get curious and fb stalk some--but you can use this as an opportunity to observe your response and work on it. might as well get something out of it, right?  best of luck to you, i think you're a champ for not sending that message

Thank you Goldy. That is some good advice there, just confronting the anxiety you felt when you looked at your ex online. The anxiety is what kept me rigid NC and determined to never look at his online presence. But the NC anxiety was compounding on itself. I feel a slight release having checked out his Facebook page (and his boring Twitter account). I'm much less anxious about him now. Maybe because I couldn't tell whether he is dating, it looks like he is not but then again I was only able to peek at a fraction of his page, and I feel relief that I didn't see a bunch of photos of him with another woman (again, those could be on a privacy setting). Or maybe just "seeing" him again took some of the suspense of whether I would ever see him again in real life.

I really do feel better checking his FB page. A little bit more of him is out of my system. For now 

[lipstick]

Hi peas,

If you have any doubts about whether or not he thinks of you - I truly believe the answer is yes. I don't believe that they paint you black for "all time". 

I also understand the desire for contact. My exBPDbf dumped me in October of last year. He moved out while I was at work. Gave me the Silent Treatment from that point forward other than a brief exchange in February (which I initiated) over a financial matter. The contact was in the form of a phone call. He didn't even recognize my voice or my name! The next morning I woke up to a FB message telling me that while it was great hearing my voice again - he was sorry, but "this has to be the end".

Fast-forward to June. I continue to occasionally check his FB page. Still in lots of pain and confusion - but getting better. He's now putting up FB posts that have specific meaning for me. And only on dates that have relevance to our relationship. The last two were just in October. One on my birthday and one on the day I left our home and moved back to my hometown.

So now it's November. I "unfriended" him on FB immediately after he dumped me a year ago. So I get up on this past Sunday morning and see that he is now "following" me on FB. Did it bother me? Nope. I was a bit saddened by it. Their fear of rejection must be overwhelming. But my point is... .just hang in there. I don't know what my ex is up to... .but I know that I won't allow him to hurt me again.

Treat yourself well... .and don't allow him back in. He will probably try! 

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi peas-

NC and detaching are two different things; checking out his page and wondering if he's seeing anyone is ruminating, and a sign that you haven't detached, as you mention.  Don't make yourself wrong for that, we aren't, and it's a good check-up at 5 months out to see how you're doing.

What do you want?  I know for a fact that if I contacted mine, which I don't want to do, that absolutely nothing good would come from it, in fact she'd go for the jugular, which she did progressively worse after each recycle.  And besides, I don't even like her.  But you know this guy, and maybe contacting him will help, up to you obviously.

If you do decide you want to continue detaching, something that helped me was to make a list of all the crap that went down, words, actions, punches to the face (!), that was completely unacceptable, and I read it and added to it whenever I was missing her for a minute.  Brought me back to reality.

Stay strong, do what's right, and take care of you!

[fakename]

i agree with everything goldy said... .

also, really glad you came here rather than contact your ex... .


also, i kinda feel like part of the reason some may stalk (fb or otherwise) is cause they're looking for some sort of answers or truth with regards to that person... .i feel like in my case i was snooping my ex's email and fb because i needed answers... .i needed to know what kind of person she really was and what was fake... .i would always give her the benefit of the doubt and always think she wasn't doing stuff i would strongly believe. but i learned she doesn't deserve that benefit of the doubt. i think the above is in line with me always thinking things were my fault between us and thinking i was the one always doing something wrong... .

i don't think she's a bad or evil person because of that stuff - she just desperately needs to have someone in her life at all times i guess... .i think she's evil for how she would use and lie to me. but i know without a doubt she is incapable of surviving on her own for more than a week.  i think realizing that and then accepting it helped me a lot.

whenever she would randomly contact me, in the beginning that wouldnt help me because any contact from her, or any conversation would re-open the gates of trying to figure out what she's saying, what she's thinking, what her motives are, whether she's lying, what she's doing on the sly, etc etc... .i could never really feel comfort or at peace with anything she said or any of our convos... .and maybe thats because of our past or maybe its because of me (i always feel i should place some blame on myself just to be mature, but realistically she should not be trusted)... .

anyway, i think i went on a tangent there... .guess my point in all this was - dont be hard on yourself... .

alright thats all i've got

@lipstick... .

thanks for sharing that. i sure don't miss all the manipulating... .glad to hear you're progressing too

[Lucky Jim]

Hi peas, I liken a BPD r/s to an addiction; we know its bad for us, yet it's extremely hard to kick.  The solution, I suggest, involves figuring out why one is so susceptible to a BPD r/s in the first place, which may lead to an examination of one's own wounds.  If you feel compelled to recycle, no one here will judge you harshly for it.  I broke up w/my BPDxW for 8 months, later called off our wedding and then went back for more (16 years of marriage) so I can relate.  Lucky Jim

[peas]

Hi peas,

If you have any doubts about whether or not he thinks of you - I truly believe the answer is yes. I don't believe that they paint you black for "all time". 

I also understand the desire for contact. My exBPDbf dumped me in October of last year. He moved out while I was at work. Gave me the Silent Treatment from that point forward other than a brief exchange in February (which I initiated) over a financial matter. The contact was in the form of a phone call. He didn't even recognize my voice or my name! The next morning I woke up to a FB message telling me that while it was great hearing my voice again - he was sorry, but "this has to be the end".

Fast-forward to June. I continue to occasionally check his FB page. Still in lots of pain and confusion - but getting better. He's now putting up FB posts that have specific meaning for me. And only on dates that have relevance to our relationship. The last two were just in October. One on my birthday and one on the day I left our home and moved back to my hometown.

So now it's November. I "unfriended" him on FB immediately after he dumped me a year ago. So I get up on this past Sunday morning and see that he is now "following" me on FB. Did it bother me? Nope. I was a bit saddened by it. Their fear of rejection must be overwhelming. But my point is... .just hang in there. I don't know what my ex is up to... .but I know that I won't allow him to hurt me again.

Treat yourself well... .and don't allow him back in. He will probably try! 

Thank you Lipstick, that's a good story. While I believe he thinks of me, I am not so sure he will try to contact me again. The man has had four months to do it and he hasn't. I think he is firm this time that he wants to get on with his life totally without me (even as an acquaintance) and he would be fine not ever knowing me again. That's the part I have a hard time with. That someone who at one point said he wanted to marry me now doesn't want anything to do with me.

I've been blocked from his Facebook account this whole time, which means he hasn't been checking up on me. I thought maybe he would keep up with me from afar, online, but nope.

It just hurts that he is so done. I've read many times on these boards that sooner or later the ex shows up, but I am trying to adjust to the fact that he may indeed never show up and I have to stop waiting for it. It's really thwarting my healing process.

[fromheeltoheal]

It just hurts that he is so done. I've read many times on these boards that sooner or later the ex shows up, but I am trying to adjust to the fact that he may indeed never show up and I have to stop waiting for it. It's really thwarting my healing process.

Hi peas-

I left my borderline, got a slew of extinction-burst contact attempts that I ignored, they stopped after 4 or 5 months, then silence, then at about 8 months she started trying again.  Turns out she got in a rebound relationship, cycled through the pathology quickly, he bailed, she was alone again, so I showed back up on the radar.  It was so clear at that point that she was proving once again she doesn't do alone well, and was casting bait in all directions looking for an attachment.  I haven't heard from her in a few months now, so she's probably embroiled in more dysfunction, and I'll probably get another dose around Christmas.

My point is 5 months is pretty early, and never say never, although it's interesting you say It's really thwarting my healing process.  It would seem that your healing doesn't depend on him, and the more healed you are the less it matters what he's up to.  Are you clear that you no longer want a relationship with him?  Are you looking for closure?

[peas]

Hi Heel2Heal, yes, it's closure I'm seeking. And to be honest, an ego boost that maybe I meant a lot to him and he did love me genuinely but couldn't follow through. I mean, this is a guy who professed all kinds of forever commitment and then nothing. You know, the usual.

One big factor in why I fear I'll never hear from him is that I am long distance -- we had an LDR six out of the seven months we were together and it was a huge sore spot. I firmly believe it's what drove him away. I keep beating myself up for this major "flaw" that I created (had to leave town for a job). I feel like that makes it easy for him to write me off. If I was local, then maybe he would have returned to my life sooner. But my big thing is I'm 300 miles away so it is easier for him to say, well, she's far away, probably never coming back, so I don't need anything more to do with her!

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi Heel2Heal, yes, it's closure I'm seeking. And to be honest, an ego boost that maybe I meant a lot to him and he did love me genuinely but couldn't follow through. I mean, this is a guy who professed all kinds of forever commitment and then nothing. You know, the usual.

One big factor in why I fear I'll never hear from him is that I am long distance -- we had an LDR six out of the seven months we were together and it was a huge sore spot. I firmly believe it's what drove him away. I keep beating myself up for this major "flaw" that I created (had to leave town for a job). I feel like that makes it easy for him to write me off. If I was local, then maybe he would have returned to my life sooner. But my big thing is I'm 300 miles away so it is easier for him to say, well, she's far away, probably never coming back, so I don't need anything more to do with her!

Got it.  Consider this: most people don't see the dysfunction and traits because a borderline is expert at concealing them and putting forth a facade.  The only ones that get the 'privilege' of seeing the real them are the ones like us who get close, and that means we meant enough to them at one point to be let through into the fortress of doom.  OK, that's a little cheesy, but you know what I mean.  And a borderline is subconsciously looking for a parent to attach to, a replacement for the one they never detached from in infancy, so we get to consider ourselves awesome enough to be granted the title by our borderline, because we mattered that much.  Give yourself that.

We had a long distance relationship too, those are hard for anyone, disordered or not, but today I consider it a blessing.  The stress of trying to make it work long distance accelerated the pathology and dysfunction, and we cycled through the phases of the disorder more quickly because of it, and that's the good news.  There are many people on these boards who were married to and had kids with a borderline, and stayed for decades; could you imagine that?  If I'd been with mine just a few more months one of us would be dead, no question.

So you are clear you don't want a relationship with him and it's closure you're looking for, yes?  Borderlines aren't good at closure, I certainly got none, so we get to figure out how to give it to ourselves.  My version is I now see her as a sick person not a bad one, we got together because that's the level I was at when we met, I've grown a great deal because of the motivation created by pain, and my next relationship is going to be a serious upgrade.  There's my closure, and I'm OK with it. 

Take care of you!

[goldylamont]

Hi Heel2Heal, yes, it's closure I'm seeking. And to be honest, an ego boost that maybe I meant a lot to him and he did love me genuinely but couldn't follow through. I mean, this is a guy who professed all kinds of forever commitment and then nothing. You know, the usual.

One big factor in why I fear I'll never hear from him is that I am long distance -- we had an LDR six out of the seven months we were together and it was a huge sore spot. I firmly believe it's what drove him away. I keep beating myself up for this major "flaw" that I created (had to leave town for a job). I feel like that makes it easy for him to write me off. If I was local, then maybe he would have returned to my life sooner. But my big thing is I'm 300 miles away so it is easier for him to say, well, she's far away, probably never coming back, so I don't need anything more to do with her!

i think when i started reading on the term "radical acceptance" i was able to begin the work necessary to see this person for what they really were. there are still parts of your psyche i believe that doesn't fully accept that a person is capable of this pump-then-dump that is all too common for them. and you're right, it does slow down your healing to a certain degree while you allow yourself to fully accept the situation for what it is.

for me while i was in this phase, where i knew something wasn't right but i was still clinging to a shred of hope, i feel like i was staving off the inevitable realization--this person was just bad all around (not to all people, but to me and many in her life). it took about 8 months or so for me to be done with this false hope of her being anything other than what she was. and when i this left it made room for my (healthy) anger. i mean i had been plenty angry before, but now the anger was directed into keeping this person away and out of my life.

you taking a job to further your career would have only served to build a better life long marriage with someone, even though it would be tough. you did the right thing--imagine if you had stayed and prolonged things with this person, he would have been able to devalue and humiliate you in person rather than from afar. but most importantly, you would have sacrificed a good job for a r/s that he would soon prove to you was toxic. thank god you took that job! at least you have this, right :-) it-was-not-your-fault, you making a move to improve yourself was absolutely the best thing to do in this situation. staying would only leave you in a weaker position and more open to his craziness. don't fault yourself for things you had no control over, ok?

this makes me think of a situation that arose a few months before breaking up with my ex. for years i had wanted to take her to a mini-family reunion my family has in the fall in our hometown. she never said no but made every excuse in the book to not give me an answer as to if she was going to go. meanwhile a good friend of mine had planned a small week long tour of europe touring with other artists and wanted me to come along as there was an extra seat in the autoboose (hah, that's how europeans say bus :-P. well, anyways b/c my silly ex kept beating around the bush about going to the reunion with me, last minute i said eff it, i'm going to europe instead! my family totally supported me knowing it was a once in a lifetime opportunity, and i had so much fun!

well, this trip became a point of contention with my ex--guess she felt "abandoned"... .good grief the nerve of this woman after standing me up on a trip i wanted to go on with *her*! but all of this is to say that she held this against me, but i don't look at this at all as contributing to our breakup even though she did. it was a triumph for me. i'm so glad i didn't give up the opportunity to go on this trip to try and deal with her stupidity; this would have been something i would regret now. so in the same way that's how i feel about you moving for your job, i know it may seem like it was the issue, but it wasn't. you're dealing with someone who isn't normal and no amount of love or understanding or sacrifice on your part would have changed him. congratulate yourself for doing something for you--and *not* for the false r/s this dbag was trying to sell you.

[peas]

you taking a job to further your career would have only served to build a better life long marriage with someone, even though it would be tough. you did the right thing--imagine if you had stayed and prolonged things with this person, he would have been able to devalue and humiliate you in person rather than from afar. but most importantly, you would have sacrificed a good job for a r/s that he would soon prove to you was toxic. thank god you took that job! at least you have this, right :-) it-was-not-your-fault, you making a move to improve yourself was absolutely the best thing to do in this situation. staying would only leave you in a weaker position and more open to his craziness. don't fault yourself for things you had no control over, ok?

Goldy, thank you! You get it. That is exactly the torture my ex put me through and I put myself through. He beat me up emotionally for taking the job, but I had no choice: I was unemployed for a year and working menial cash jobs to pay the rent (and I had a negative balance in my checking account) when this amazing job offer in my skilled line of work came through. Since I was so in love with this guy, I let him tell me how to feel. I believed him that the problems in the r/s were my fault because I moved. I have carried so much guilt and regret about this new job. The huge "if only" in my life has been if only I stayed in my last city with him, he would not have been so upset and ultimately detached from me. I've cursed my decision for taking the job and moving every day.

But you are so right, you and everyone who knows my situation said getting this job was a blessing, probably one of the best things to happen for me in a long time, and if he was emotionally secure and normal functioning he would have either worked with me on the LDR r/s or responsibly and rationally ended things. As it is I drove every weekend back to him to maintain the r/s, only for him to resent me the whole time. I saw the job as a way for me to start saving money toward a future with him. He said I was "greedy" and only cared about money instead of being with him.   

And this:

this makes me think of a situation that arose a few months before breaking up with my ex. for years i had wanted to take her to a mini-family reunion my family has in the fall in our hometown. she never said no but made every excuse in the book to not give me an answer as to if she was going to go. meanwhile a good friend of mine had planned a small week long tour of europe touring with other artists and wanted me to come along as there was an extra seat in the autoboose (hah, that's how europeans say bus :-P. well, anyways b/c my silly ex kept beating around the bush about going to the reunion with me, last minute i said eff it, i'm going to europe instead! my family totally supported me knowing it was a once in a lifetime opportunity, and i had so much fun!

well, this trip became a point of contention with my ex--guess she felt "abandoned"... .good grief the nerve of this woman after standing me up on a trip i wanted to go on with *her*! but all of this is to say that she held this against me, but i don't look at this at all as contributing to our breakup even though she did. it was a triumph for me. i'm so glad i didn't give up the opportunity to go on this trip to try and deal with her stupidity; this would have been something i would regret now. so in the same way that's how i feel about you moving for your job, i know it may seem like it was the issue, but it wasn't. you're dealing with someone who isn't normal and no amount of love or understanding or sacrifice on your part would have changed him. congratulate yourself for doing something for you--and *not* for the false r/s this dbag was trying to sell you.

Good for you for going on the Europe trip. I'm glad you had fun, but I'm sure there was that feeling of being let down yet again by your ex. After a while, those let downs can really break your spirit. But we have to regain it somehow. I've been through Europe by rail, not boose (heh heh), and it was one of the best experiences I've had. I also lived abroad for a short time.

You know, I never believed my ex would join me in any visits to my family who live several states away. When we were together he would say that he wanted to travel with me to my home state and meet my family, but in my guts I thought: I'll believe it when I see it. I also imagined him flaking out at the last minute, like not even getting on a plane and removing himself from a trip. Somehow he showed in his behavior that he could be capable of doing something like that. We didn't stay together long enough to test this, but I always had a nagging feeling that he would not follow through on any plans.

That's the thing with people who talk cheap and don't follow up with actions. You start to disbelieve everything they promise. Toward the end of our seven-month r/s, I didn't trust anything he said. Even his positive statements about possibly moving to my new city to be with me, or as I mentioned, meeting my family. I just thought, well, let me see you actually do it first.

Goldy, your words today are just what I needed to read. Thanks, man.