I'm new here...

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm not sure what to say here.  Since I'm assuming everyone in here has a family member with BPD, I want to start by saying I am sorry.  I am sincerely, wholeheartedly sorry.  

I am sorry because I am sure you have had nights like I am having right now.  That night when you just throw up your hands and say I GIVE UP.  Because there is NOTHING I can do to fix it.  I cant fix it.  I cant fix it.  I just keep saying it over and over... .

I am 27 years old, and my mother has BPD.  I lived in 18 different houses before I turned 16.  I watched countless men come and go.  I watched my mom live her life angry, sad, depressed, etc. every single day of her life.  Even when I was young I felt like it was my responsibility to fix it... to find some way to make her happy... to be enough... . I just wanted to be enough...  

My mom is now 60 years old living in a house for homeless adults.  Her (current) destructive behavior includes countless men, illegal drugs, and gambling all of her money away.  She always EXPECTS me to fix her mistakes.  I am married, with an extremely supportive husband and 3 young children of my own... . and even though it makes him mad, I generally have always fixed her mistakes.  I feel like I have had a lifetime of being trained to do that. Even when I do everything in the world I can for her, she still acts like I am the reason she is like this... . She doesnt talk like that directly to me most times, but she sure goes and tells everyone else.  She always has to be the victim.  She has said the worst things about her own child to anyone that would listen... .and unfortunately, it continues to get back to me, and it freaking hurts.  

Anyways, I'm sorry for rambling on and on...  Theres just so much.  I'm so tired.  I'm so emotionally tired... . I cant keep doing this.  Tonight is the first time I have said out loud "I CANT FIX IT"...  I have wept and wept trying to come to terms with the fact that my mom will never be the idea I had in my head.  There were some times growing up that she was a good mom.  I just always hoped there would be some magic medicine that would get her back there.  I am mourning the loss of that hope.  I have reached out to family, but my mom has burned bridges with everyone she knows, and her siblings are also tired... . They have accepted that there is nothing they can do.  But I still struggle with that...  I feel like I have been trained to believe that I owe it to her to continue like this...  So here I am... .Reaching out to people that hopefully understand.  

I fear that people will view me as selfish for this post.  Please know that more than anything, I am angry at BPD... .not my mother.  I hate it. I hate it.  I hate it.

[ashesisme]

I'm not sure what to say here.  Since I'm assuming everyone in here has a family member with BPD, I want to start by saying I am sorry.  I am sincerely, wholeheartedly sorry.  

I am sorry because I am sure you have had nights like I am having right now.  That night when you just throw up your hands and say I GIVE UP.  Because there is NOTHING I can do to fix it.  I cant fix it.  I cant fix it.  I just keep saying it over and over... .

I am 27 years old, and my mother has BPD.  I lived in 18 different houses before I turned 16.  I watched countless men come and go.  I watched my mom live her life angry, sad, depressed, etc. every single day of her life.  Even when I was young I felt like it was my responsibility to fix it... to find some way to make her happy... to be enough... . I just wanted to be enough...  

My mom is now 60 years old living in a house for homeless adults.  Her (current) destructive behavior includes countless men, illegal drugs, and gambling all of her money away.  She always EXPECTS me to fix her mistakes.  I am married, with an extremely supportive husband and 3 young children of my own... . and even though it makes him mad, I generally have always fixed her mistakes.  I feel like I have had a lifetime of being trained to do that. Even when I do everything in the world I can for her, she still acts like I am the reason she is like this... . She doesnt talk like that directly to me most times, but she sure goes and tells everyone else.  She always has to be the victim.  She has said the worst things about her own child to anyone that would listen... .and unfortunately, it continues to get back to me, and it freaking hurts.  

Anyways, I'm sorry for rambling on and on...  Theres just so much.  I'm so tired.  I'm so emotionally tired... . I cant keep doing this.  Tonight is the first time I have said out loud "I CANT FIX IT"...  I have wept and wept trying to come to terms with the fact that my mom will never be the idea I had in my head.  There were some times growing up that she was a good mom.  I just always hoped there would be some magic medicine that would get her back there.  I am mourning the loss of that hope.  I have reached out to family, but my mom has burned bridges with everyone she knows, and her siblings are also tired... . They have accepted that there is nothing they can do.  But I still struggle with that...  I feel like I have been trained to believe that I owe it to her to continue like this...  So here I am... .Reaching out to people that hopefully understand.  

I fear that people will view me as selfish for this post.  Please know that more than anything, I am angry at BPD... .not my mother.  I hate it. I hate it.  I hate it.

[Hazelrah]

Hello ashesisme, and 

I am so sorry to hear about the sadness you are feeling in regards to the relationship with your mother.  We depend on our parents for so much... .love, protection, helping us grow into healthy adults.  When we are let down by them, or expected to be their caretakers, it can certainly leave us sad, confused, and looking for answers.

No one here will consider your post selfish--we have all come here to share the stories of the person with BPD in our lives.  Some are in intimate relationships, but many have family members--specifically, parents--that suffer from this mental illness.  Please know you have found a community that understands the pain you are experiencing.

There is a quick resource I can suggest for reading right off the bat... .Acceptance, when our parent has BPD.  You may also want to visit [L5]  Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw Board.  Senior members on this board will have valuable advice for pursuing a path of recovery from traumatic experiences. The validation, information, and support will give you strength on your journey. 

Please keep posting.  It is extremely cathartic and there are folks that truly care here.

   

[qwaszx]

 im so sorry you've had to handle this all you life, i cant even imagine how hard this all must be for you, as i was only in a odd friendship with the person with BPD in my life. i just wanted to say your not selfish for you post, its a nice thing to reach out and have other people who understand BPD, who listen, and support each other in doing whats right for our selves.

sincerly hope you find what you need to on this board, there is a lot of good stuff, and welcome:)