A Curveball that has thrown me off balance...

[houseofswans]

I was about to find closure with my fears about my ex and the new Mr X (thank you to all who contributed ).

You've all been very patient with me, even when I seem to be repeating myself over and over just to get the facts hammered into my skull - please bear with me on this one

Last night, a curveball was thrown in my direction (which I will get to shortly) which has left me dizzy.

Basically, it casts doubts on my evaluation that my ex has BPD/NPD/PTSD. Yet her behaviours, which have been well documented by me over the past few weeks', have not been met with any doubts from yourselves. What I have described about her and her disordered behaviour, chimes with everyone to varying degrees. It's not even that I've held back in my experiences and not given you the full picture. I almost feel that you know her as well as I do.

All I have read about a borderline's behaviour on this and other websites, rings so true to me. Damn, there is something - and I don't think I'm trying to convince myself that she has (which would make continued NC easier for me, naturally). Why else would I have gravitated to this forum if not for the fact that there are issues with her?

I often think that I've done too much reading and research into BPD/NPD.

I've become obsessed with her after our split, which I have never done after a split with a 'healthy' woman in a relationship. Again, isn't that a hallmark of the disorder?

Some days I want her back desperately, despite the disorder. Other days I'm glad I'm out of it. I've been obsessing about the new Mr X and beating myself up for not being able to bring to the table what he (apparently) can.

Also, I look back to when she finally discarded me and how it could have been so different. This is particularly hard for me because the chances are there would have been no the first Mr X, and then no new Mr X.

I shall relate the circumstances leading up to the discard, as that is probably the only thing that I haven't shared with you, my friends.

Basically, my ex was going down to the south of England to do some research for four days. I only found out about this by chance, because the day before she was due to leave I turned up at her house after another break in our relationship, and she told me what she was doing. She would be travelling by coach both ways, and I offered to meet her on her return as the coach would not get into the coach station until just before midnight. I just wanted to make sure that she got home safely, despite the fact that she only had to cross the station to get the last tram home.

Whilst she was away, I checked that there would be a tram, and looked at alternate arrangements just in case there wasn't. I emailed her telling her that there would be a tram and that we'd have a good five minutes to get it assuming her coach would get in on time. I also asked if she was having a good time, got there safely, was missing her, etc. A couple of days passed before she contacted me, but it was only a brief message saying that she was glad there would be a tram. I was a bit annoyed with this brief message because I expected her to let me know she'd got there safely, was having a good time, and was missing me. So I emailed her telling her just that. She replied saying that the signal on her phone wasn't very good (despite being in a major city), and so couldn't send a longer message (which struck me as odd, even though I don't have a mobile phone I'm sure that if a brief message can get through to me, then why not a longer one?). I could tell that she was angry with me for questioning her motives by the tone of the message.

This was gnawing away at me. I felt rejected after offering to meet her (which would involve an hour's journey by train to my nearest city), so decided not to meet her after all. So a couple of days before she was due back I made an excuse that I wouldn't be able to meet her after all. I emailed her and told her that I had to be doing something else, and tried to mollify her by telling her the plain truth: Had I not turned up at her house that evening, I wouldn't have even known she was going away and she would have had to make her own way home anyway. This, of course, didn't go down well at all.

She accused me of being unreliable. My response to this was that if I was unreliable (which if she thought about it would know that I'm not), then I wouldn't have given her two days notice, I would have just not bothered turning up. Her final response by email was again saying that I was unreliable, and as far as seeing me again, that she would have to think about it and let me know her decision. I waited in vain for a couple of months to hear from her with her 'decision'

Next thing I know, the first Mr X is on the scene... .

And that is why I obsess over the new MrXs, because had I met her, then things would have panned out differently (maybe).

On to the curveball and the reasons of my anxiety (what do you mean, about time?)

Last night, by chance, I saw a video on youtube of my ex giving details of her research and updates to previous videos that she'd made. She'd already told me that she had PTSD, but in the video she claimed that she had Dissociative Identity Disorder. This really threw me, as you can imagine, as I had no idea and had never heard of it. This is what a search returned:

"In 1993 a group of researchers reviewed both DID and borderline personality disorder (BPD), concluding that DID was an epiphenomenon of BPD, with no tests or clinical description capable of distinguishing between the two. Their conclusions about the empirical proof of DID were echoed by a second group, who still believed the diagnosis existed, but while the knowledge to date did not justify DID as a separate diagnosis, it also did not disprove its existence."

Which made me feel better, particularly about DID being a epiphenomenon (a secondary phenomenon that occurs alongside or in parallel to a primary phenomenon) of BPD.

So why has this thrown me off balance? I'm not even sure as it does echo all my thoughts that she is a troubled individual with trauma issues. But also that her condition might not be as bad as I first thought, and it was always just about 'me' and the relationship failed because of what I did or didn't do... .:'(

She goes on to say in the video that there is a Dr in the States who specialises in this trauma and would hopefully be able to 'cure' her. This would be a very expensive treatment, not only in his costs, but the travel costs, accommodation, etc.

Hello the first Mr X - she also says that she has had a "substantial donation" from him (the video was dated a few weeks after they had met) to seek treatment. And we all know what happened to him - he "abandoned" her, and was "blown away"

Welcome the new Mr X - to pick up the tab, no doubt!

She will have come to the conclusion that she has DID by online research over several years. I'm confident that she would have told me if she had been professionally diagnosed whilst we were together, and asked me to fund the trip.

My thoughts are a bit skew whiff at the moment and I'm just venting (again).

I think, ultimately, I'm looking for validation that just because DID has been thrown into the melting pot, all my thoughts about the BPD/NPD/PTSD are genuine and valid. And that DID is either a cop-out in her mind to avoid looking at the real trauma issues she has, or something else she has to deal with.

Sorry for going on a bit... .

[EdR]

Hi Houseofswans,

I would like to reply as honest and concisely as I possibly can.

I don't think the new info in your post changes anything. But the following IS clear for me: you haven't left her yet.

Maybe rationally to some extent, but sure as hell not emotionally. There is no shame in that, because I feel the same way.

I am now in the process of validation and trying to understand and rationalize things. I still care though, and that emotion conflicts with my ratio. At times I am trying to align my emotions and rational thoughts, by thinking things through (maybe a little too much).

I guess you're doing the same... but in a more 'extreme' way.


Still... .your emotions will remain the same. And the hurt will remain.

I honestly feel you should work on that. Hell... .I should work on that! :-P

[babyducks]

Hi House of Swans,

Here are my first thoughts on your post.  I am sure others will be along shortly with more profound statements but what is banging around in my head is:

Does it really matter what I/We/You call it?

I think what matters is the actions, not the words.

What is true for me is;  if my EX had another condition that created different behaviors I probably could have dealt with it. 

But the condition she had, whatever its name is,  created behaviors that were directed AT me.

I can spend a lot of time looking at my EX, because I am basically hardwired to try to "understand" things.  Don't get me wrong, that's a good thing.   Its something I like about myself.   

Understanding will only get me so far in this situation until I learn and accept how powerless I am in the face of this disorder.

I love my Ex beyond reason.   Literally.  That's not a metaphor.   And she suffers (and I believe she suffers) for a serious disorder that impacts her ability to have relationships.  And that's pretty sad because there is nothing she wants more than a stable loving relationship.

To a degree I could practice radical acceptance, and be the cork that is the flotsam and jetsam bobbing along in the wake of her turmoil.

Right up to the point, where being the cork damaged me, broke me.

It sounds like maybe you have a little bit of that cork action going on.  That's okay.  Perfectly normal I think.

I guess what I wonder about, for me and for you, is what value can we bring to our own lives, essentially what good are we doing, where are the upsides and the positives?

So much of this disorder makes no sense.  That's why its called a mental illness.  We never will figure it out.

babyducks

[Jbt857]

Hi House,

i just want to echo what the others have said.

You started your post saying 'I was about to find closure... .' - yet your actions suggest you're nowhere near closure.

That you are trawling YT, looking for her, searching her out, speaks volumes - and they aren't 'closure' volumes. That you are still involved in those games (I don't mean 'games' maliciously) - offering to meet her with hopes of... .something, expecting her to tell her she's missing you, making up excuses for why you can't meet her when you don't hear what you want to hear - that's not closure, my friend.

As Ducks said, it makes no difference what we call it - the outcome will be the same.

It is a hard process, but when you can truly accept that you are done, that her future partners are not your business, her future choices are not your business, you have truly examined and understood your role in the r/s and closed that door for good, with the acceptance that it's not going to be fixed, she's not coming back, there is no 'happily ever after' - then you may be close to finding some closure.

Right now you're still ruminating and hoping something might change.

 We've all been there. You can't force the process or make it be done in a set timescale. Its often two steps forward and one step back. It's probably time for a reality check with yourself of where you're really at.

[Learning_curve74]

Hey swans, whatever you want to call it, your exgf seems mentally ill and doesn't seem to be a very good or very nice person either.

Let me ask you a few questions. Why do you think that you made her dump you? You seem to be giving yourself a lot of credit for her actions, like she hooked up with these other guys because you did something "wrong" to cause it. You sound like a rational person, so why is a person not responsible for their own actions?

Also it looks like you're measuring your self-worth by how poorly a mentally ill person treated you. Why should you measure your self-worth by how ANYBODY treats you, mentally ill or not?

I'm sorry you're still struggling so. One of the greatest challenges is to accept the situation as it is. You'll get there.  

[houseofswans]

You started your post saying 'I was about to find closure... .' - yet your actions suggest you're nowhere near closure.

That you are trawling YT, looking for her, searching her out, speaks volumes - and they aren't 'closure' volumes.

Hi Jbt,

Thanks for your input. Can I respectfully suggest that you have taken a different meaning to what I intended.

In a previous post I stated that I'd downloaded a website/keyword blocker - a self-regulating step to ensure that I wouldn't be tempted to try and seek her out.

I thought I'd covered all bases originally - there are 200 separate keywords/sites in my original block. Needless to say, there were some keywords that I'd either forgotten about or failed to catch. All I was doing was updating my block list, using tags, etc in youtube especially.

Yes, I was tempted to watch the video I've alluded to, but didn't. It would have been too painful emotionally to watch it all. I watched the crucial 5 minutes (purely by chance it should have been where she talks about the DID). The whole video lasts over an hour. So I think I did well, there.

Just having those final words uttered by members would have been enough to give me closure and allow me to begin to heal. And then the 'curveball' just got me re-evaluating things, really.

I DO want to move on and stop obsessing over her and Mr X, despite what I might say to the contrary when I'm feeling low.

Thank you  

[Jbt857]

Hi House,

Yes, you are right, I did misunderstand. But it's possibly still semantics.

I think when we really have closure, there's no need for blockers or any temptation to watch videos because we're getting on with our lives.

I'm not there yet. I do know better than to look online because for me, it's too painful. I can self-regulate on that (now) - through painful experience. And it doesn't take anything in particular to send me back into a painful place. Yesterday, I woke up feeling terrible. I was in tears with just how damn unfair it all is. And there was no trigger. Just one of those days. It's 2 steps forward and one back for so many of us.

You're doing great. You've come a long way. But I think we can claim 'closure' when we've reached a point that we truly don't care what they are doing/thinking/saying. And I guess we wouldn't be here if we were at that point.

[houseofswans]

You're doing great. You've come a long way. But I think we can claim 'closure' when we've reached a point that we truly don't care what they are doing/thinking/saying. And I guess we wouldn't be here if we were at that point.

How very true, my friend.

I really do look forward to the time when I won't give a damn.

[Ironmanrises]

She accused me of being unreliable. My response to this was that if I was unreliable (which if she thought about it would know that I'm not), then I wouldn't have given her two days notice, I would have just not bothered turning up. Her final response by email was again saying that I was unreliable, and as far as seeing me again, that she would have to think about it and let me know her decision. I waited in vain for a couple of months to hear from her with her 'decision'

In bold.

House... .

She projected that onto you... .

Because that is how she feels... .

About herself.

Even had you been able to do... .

X, Y, and Z for her... .

A new Mr. X would have appeared.

There is no winning against that.

I know you are hurting... .

And trying to find answers... .

But the simplest answer... .

Is right there in front of you... .

She is disordered.

It sucks.

I know.

Hang in there.

[houseofswans]

In bold.

House... .

She projected that onto you... .

Because that is how she feels... .

About herself.

Even had you been able to do... .

X, Y, and Z for her... .

A new Mr. X would have appeared.

There is no winning against that.

I know you are hurting... .

And trying to find answers... .

But the simplest answer... .

Is right there in front of you... .

She is disordered.

It sucks.

I know.

Hang in there.

Thank you for that insight -I didn't realise that is what they do 

[Surnia]

Hi houseofswans

being obsessed with someone is always a difficult thing. For me personally a rs is more difficult let go, when I am not sure if there is genuine communication or distorted thinking or simple lies. Being in doubt, I wanted soo to know what was real.   Sometimes we will never know however.

Second thought: Intermittend reinforcement. The unpredictable change of reward/no reward/reward/ no reward without any pattern or logic has a very toxic potential, it makes very dependent.