Cycles

[Recurve]

Hi. I believe my wife has BPD. We have been married for 16 years and have 4 young children. I often read about cycles of being painted black and the periods of the pwBPD being nice.  I don't experience that. I have been painted black for years.  My wife and I went to marriage counseling 6 months ago and she quit after 1 session do to not liking how the therapist answered her questions.  I stayed on, thank goodness and learned about BPD, this wonderful site, and book refs.  My wife has a tough past, alcoholic father left the family for another woman when she was 9, growing up in poverty, some suspected mental/physical abuse.  My family, over achievers, suppressed all conflict, passive aggressive .  I am learning more about my contribution to our difficulties but still wonder if the techniques I am learning will change the years of continuous invalidation.  My wife says she married me as a package deal for the family she never had. She idealized me and my family and we are no where close to her expectations.  My family and I are both now painted black. Is this a progression, what happens when there is no one else to attack?  She insisted separate rooms and we have been apart physically now for 1.5 years.  So I guess I wonder about can things actually get better? Is it common for a pwBPD to not cycle? Thanks for any input or info!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Recurve,

Welcome to the board! Your therapist sounds wonderful, having an outlet and a place to talk is so important. How are you doing with all of this?

As far as I know it's not unheard of that some partners stay painted black, although it seems to be more common with cycles. Bottom line, individuals with BPD are individuals first and foremost and don't all act and react the same way even though there are defined traits and behaviours.

You ask if things can actually get better.

What's so hard about being with someone who has a disorder, and apparently has little insight into it nor will to work on their own behaviour, is that we can't change anyone else. No matter how much we would like to just shake them awake to reality, we can't. They have a different reality. It takes a while to accept that.

It's not hopeless, though. We can work on tools and techniques to lower tensions, take care or ourselves and open the roads of communication. The Lessons are on the right ---------------->

They are no miracle cure, but we have many members who are now in a better place thanks to the them.

[Recurve]

Thanks for the warm welcome! My therapist gently brought me to the realization that I needed to learn about BPD.  It's a tough road to begin and stay on... .as I know every one here knows.  I am still grieving the loss of what I thought my marriage was and trying to recalibrate in a healthy way.  It's difficult to hear my wife say I was a package deal with my family so she could have the family she never had.  The idealization process I have come to understand through the explanation on this web site of how many relationships progress with a pwBPD.  Validation is helping but I am now being called on it by my wife and she says its psychobabble and it means nothing. She tries to tell me my therapist is incompetent and at times will rant about it but I have held my boundary in continuing to go for 6 months now. my first boundary success,I have many more to work on but am thankful I have one success so far. It's really difficult for me to withstand the reactions when I go after another boundary. Kind of have to save up some strength and then go for it.  Thanks to all who contribute and volunteer for this site. I can't say thanks enough... .

[Scarlet Phoenix]

I am still grieving the loss of what I thought my marriage was and trying to recalibrate in a healthy way.  It's difficult to hear my wife say I was a package deal with my family so she could have the family she never had.

It sounds heartbreaking, take your time to grieve what you thought you had. This is a pretty sad place to be in, longing for something we don't have. The bigger the distance between what we want and what we have, the harder it is to live with it. Learning about BPD and gradually come to what we call here "radical acceptance" of the situation can help ease this pain and grief.

Validation is helping but I am now being called on it by my wife and she says its psychobabble and it means nothing.

So nothing unusual there   You're not the only one who has gotten that response. In time you'll get better at validating in ways where she feels heard, she will also get used to you doing it, and thirdly it'll become more automatic with more practice. Don't be discouraged!

She tries to tell me my therapist is incompetent and at times will rant about it but I have held my boundary in continuing to go for 6 months now.

Good job! We don't need many boundaries, it can be a good idea to pick just a very few or else we'll end up in a battle field, which is good for no one.