Why don't ex BPD simply not leave you alone when they are in a new r/s?

[Mutt]

I'm still grieving the loss of my marriage after uBPD ex left 10 months ago.

Lately I've been depressed, angry and beating myself up because I stayed in the r/s way passed it's expiry date.

What I can't understand is why can't she simply leave me alone when she is in a committed relationship with another man. I know it's a mental illness but I guess I'm trying to figure out the angle and I feel confused.

I communicate by e-mail with her, but it's the same tone with her as if we were together. Her e-mails in the last few weeks are riddled with fear, guilt, blaming, distorting and mostly trying to control.

She left and is supposedly in a healthy relationship  , but why not leave me alone?

We're done. We're in divorce litigation with zero chance of reconciliation.

[GreenMango]

This is a good example of how relationships don't fix this disorder.

New man doesn't equal emotional stability

New man doesn't equal better coping skills

New man doesn't equal happiness

New man doesn't equal less insecurity or abandonment fears

Unless she is actively working on fixing the thought distortions, emotional control and the her behaviorial responses in therapy there's going to be little chance that she will miraculously think, feel, and act reasonably.

The new man doesn't fix the fact that she's losing you, the family, and whatever compounded fears she's having.  Bottom line divorce is stressful for you and her even tho she has a new man.  She's handling it poorly but are you surprised knowing what you know about this disorder?

It does sound like you are handling the detachment well with clear emails around functional things like the kids, etc.

She's gotta handle her emotions on her own now.  You see how that's going.  You aren't there to take it on anymore and she's left to her devices.

Is this effecting the stability of the kids environment too?  Are you picking up those "bomb" emails from her?

[Mutt]

Thanks for the articulate response GreenMango. I'm still detaching and I keep my distance from her, meaning that I 'focus' only about the kids with my communications with her.

No bomb e-mails lately no, bu she raged   at me the last time I picked up the kids because of child support money.

Since then her emails have been more straight forward like the kids school photos and girl guide sleep-overs when my D is with me on my weekend. It's my response that triggers her control. i.e. She asked if it was OK if my D was going to go to the girl guide sleep-over on my weekend. I said that I would ask my D what she wanted to do, because she misses dad and we don't get a lot of time together.

My ex said that I was going to guilt my D to not go. That it's my choice that I don't see the kids and that the courts will see how black and white everything is. That's verbatim btw.

I'm not surprised no, but I'm feeling the pain right now.

It's painful that the past 8 years, good & bad ended the way that it ended and the lack of empathy on her part. I can clearly see the projection, blame, guilt and all of that stuff in the words that she writes.

She's gotta handle her emotions on her own now. You see how that's going. You aren't there to take it on anymore and she's left to her devices.

It's this I don't understand. Why can't she just project it on the replacement and leave me out of it? It's his role now. I've done my tour of duty and I'm done.

I have 3 kids. S2, S5 and D7.  My 5 year old seems like he's having a bit of a tough time. He's been more sensitive. If he's playing with the 2 year old and they are fighting and I say something to him he'll say "I'm the worst kid in the world!" and then run and hide in a different room. That's something he never did before the separation.

My daughter misses me. She counts the days down until she comes to dad's. She doesn't like the replacement but can't tell me why. Just that she doesn't like him. She feels rejected by mom when she tries to tell mom this. My daughter said she had told mom how she felt that she didn't like having the replacement stay there every night and on weekends. She said my wife said "OK" and walked up the stairs to the replacement in her bedroom. My daughter is deeply wounded that the family that we had is gone, I'm there for her emotionally.

My wife has put the S & D into counseling. But I'm contemplating if I should maybe do family counseling on my own with just the kids and I.

[GreenMango]

Mutt that pain ... .Yeah.   

Family counseling for you and kids sounds like a really good idea.  The support there will help.

She's tossing around blame right now.  My guess - this is a guess- it was a long relationship you fixed a lot things for her maybe things things you shouldn't have and she's used to it and going with what was the norm.  Now things are different rightly so but she's still in that mode.  And, If she has BPD accepting responsibility doesn't normally happen.  Also what's appropriate outside of fixing how she's feeling is out the window during high stress times.

You can't stop from doing this stuff.  Unless its so bad you want to seek legal action on the harassing texts.  Best bet is to set the new terms with your actions.  Consistency will help.

As to why not go to the new guy... .why would she spoil the honeymoon with real life?

I'm sorry that things are still hard.  It was a long relationship and the hurt is real.  Maybe its just going to take a little more time than you thought?  Go easy on easy on yourself this is a loss.

[Juno]

How do you know they're in relationships? My exBPD sent me many letters letting me know all about her life after I ended it. It was complete bs! She was much older than me and married. I was a student at a college that specialized in aviation. I had just turned 20 when I ended it. At the time I had my private pilots license and commercial pilots license. I was in the process of getting my multi engine and instrument rating. Yet, my ex who was my former high school teacher and still married to her husband started to send me letters how she was dating a pilot from a major commercial airline. At the time I was young enough to believe her. Now I know it was complete bs. These people will resort to anything to get you back in their lives. Trying to make you jealous is a weapon of choice.

[fromheeltoheal]

You were a source of soothing for her for a long time probably.  She's going through transition too, and is looking for available sources of soothing, since her ability to self-soothe is impaired.  She's looking to take from as many sources as will give, and she doesn't have the history with Mr. New yet.

My hallucination, use as needed.

[Oliolioxenfree]

I'm still grieving the loss of my marriage after uBPD ex left 10 months ago.

Lately I've been depressed, angry and beating myself up because I stayed in the r/s way passed it's expiry date.

What I can't understand is why can't she simply leave me alone when she is in a committed relationship with another man. I know it's a mental illness but I guess I'm trying to figure out the angle and I feel confused.

I communicate by e-mail with her, but it's the same tone with her as if we were together. Her e-mails in the last few weeks are riddled with fear, guilt, blaming, distorting and mostly trying to control.

She left and is supposedly in a healthy relationship  , but why not leave me alone?

We're done. We're in divorce litigation with zero chance of reconciliation.

Why did my BPDex dump me for another woman he met at a bar and then blatantly stalk me for 4 months when he too was supposedly in a happy healthy relationship with his dream girl?  its mental illness. Theres no rhyme or reason and it makes no sense why they do it. 

They never truly detach from anyone properly, because this is an attachment disorder.   

[fromheeltoheal]

They never truly detach from anyone properly, because this is an attachment disorder.   

Yes, and a borderline trait is to harbor reunion fantasies with all of their exes.

[Mutt]

They never truly detach from anyone properly, because this is an attachment disorder.

Thank you for the responses. I had forgotten about the attachment disorder bit.

She had painted me black before she had left and did a distortion campaign with her family and friends. She has gone as far as trying to distort me in an email with my own mother about 3 weeks ago. I think it was because of my efforts with detaching and not engaging/responding to her. I was talking to a mutual friend and she said my ex has nothing good to say about me. I'm still black and she did call the cops on me about 6 weeks after she had left. I was calling her out on the affair and angry. The cops said to stop because my ex said it was too much. If I mentioned anything about the r/s or marriage she would go on the defensive and become hostile. I stopped that months ago after accepting the fact that the marriage is over. Only in the last 6 to 8 weeks have I applied stronger boundarries that I uphold when it comes to communication about the kids only and everything else is secondary and I ignored. I choose to not get tangled into circular arguments, blaming or any of that nonsense.

It's the treatment of being portrayed as only having negative values (black) and the control she is still trying to assert. I guess it was just as confusing as the push/pull I was going through for years with her and painted/black and attachment is just as confusing.

We were together for a significant amount of time and I was a source of soothing (although I didn't know about it then) and I can understand that she is coping by trying to get soothing from whatever sources that she can, included me.

I'm not even divorced yet and I'm tired of all of it and yet have more years of this to go through. Although I'm happy that I don't live with her anymore. I guess what I'm trying to say is that, with time things will smooth out with me as I work through my own issues of codepency etc... And as I become healthier (in time) I will be able to cope better and become indifferent. I feel better than I did months ago, but I still have a ways to go.

[Mutt]

I fired a warning shot across her bow today due to her emails. She sent a couple more emails last night and today and it had nothing to do with the kids.

I called the police for harassment and have them talk to her to knock it off. I've also made it clear that if she continues that the next step is going to be a restraining order.

Hopefully she gets the message.

[peas]

They never truly detach from anyone properly, because this is an attachment disorder.

I'm not so sure about that. I am certain my ex has fully detached from me and wants nothing to do with me. We both have been NC for four months -- so he's had the chance to return and he's been silent; I'm still blocked from his Facebook account; he could easily pick up the phone and call, etc. -- and I think in his mind he just wants to keep moving and not look back.

Meanwhile, all I do is look back... .  :'(

[fromheeltoheal]

They never truly detach from anyone properly, because this is an attachment disorder.

I'm not so sure about that. I am certain my ex has fully detached from me and wants nothing to do with me. We both have been NC for four months -- so he's had the chance to return and he's been silent; I'm still blocked from his Facebook account; he could easily pick up the phone and call, etc. -- and I think in his mind he just wants to keep moving and not look back.

Meanwhile, all I do is look back... . :'(

Never say never peas.  I was in a relationship with my borderline ex the first time 25 years ago, it ended badly, as they do, but she contacted me about a year later and about 10 years later, and then found me on Facebook a couple of years ago, where it was off to the races for round two.  Because I thought she'd changed.  Silly me.

No other girlfriend has ever done that, and I've learned that the role we play in a borderline's psyche is that of replacement parent, who may come back in that room when they're lying there alone in their crib, and they don't give up hope.

So he may be focusing elsewhere right now, but if he hits a low spot or finds himself alone, you may just show up on his radar as a potential soother, and it will be all about what he can get.  You sound special to me, but that's irrelevant to him, it could be anyone.  4 months is the blink of an eye in borderline time.

[Clearmind]

They contact, we respond - it sets up a way of relating that she comes to expect!

Boundaries around what topics will be communicated - ie. anything to do with the kids otherwise other topics are off limits.

Mutt we need to set boundaries on what is appropriate and cannot expect them to guess.

Do you feel obligated to respond?

[peas]

They never truly detach from anyone properly, because this is an attachment disorder.

I'm not so sure about that. I am certain my ex has fully detached from me and wants nothing to do with me. We both have been NC for four months -- so he's had the chance to return and he's been silent; I'm still blocked from his Facebook account; he could easily pick up the phone and call, etc. -- and I think in his mind he just wants to keep moving and not look back.

Meanwhile, all I do is look back... .  :'(

Never say never peas.  I was in a relationship with my borderline ex the first time 25 years ago, it ended badly, as they do, but she contacted me about a year later and about 10 years later, and then found me on Facebook a couple of years ago, where it was off to the races for round two.  Because I thought she'd changed.  Silly me.

No other girlfriend has ever done that, and I've learned that the role we play in a borderline's psyche is that of replacement parent, who may come back in that room when they're lying there alone in their crib, and they don't give up hope.

So he may be focusing elsewhere right now, but if he hits a low spot or finds himself alone, you may just show up on his radar as a potential soother, and it will be all about what he can get.  You sound special to me, but that's irrelevant to him, it could be anyone.  4 months is the blink of an eye in borderline time.

Wow Heal, she really kept tabs on you! Maybe you are correct, four months is the blink of an eye to a pwBPD. I just need to unhook and stop waiting. I got conditioned to wait during the r/s because he did the breaking up and always did the returning.

Hopefully if he does contact me again I will be in a stronger, happier place. And like you said, if he does come back, it will be him looking for something for himself and not about me.

Thank you for your wise and kind words, Heal.

[Waifed]

They never truly detach from anyone properly, because this is an attachment disorder.   

Yes, and a borderline trait is to harbor reunion fantasies with all of their exes.

I think once they call the police on you they permanently detach from you. 

[fromheeltoheal]

Meanwhile, all I do is look back... .  :'(

Thank you for your wise and kind words, Heal.

You're welcome peas.  One thing you might start doing is looking forward instead of back, to a time in the future where there's a man in your life that you've built a healthy relationship with, based on trust and respect, and you're happier than you've ever been.  You probably know right now if your borderline ex is that man or not.

You may not even be thinking of another relationship right now, but envision yourself in that relationship at some point in the future.  Are you the person you are today, or are you a more healed, wiser, healthier version of you?  If it's the latter, what small step can you take right now, tomorrow at the latest, that will move you in that direction?  You've heard the expression a journey of a thousand miles starts with one step, and the thing about steps is, once you take a few, you get a rhythm and momentum builds.  So what can you do?  Your friends here are dying to know... .

[Oliolioxenfree]

They never truly detach from anyone properly, because this is an attachment disorder.

I'm not so sure about that. I am certain my ex has fully detached from me and wants nothing to do with me. We both have been NC for four months -- so he's had the chance to return and he's been silent; I'm still blocked from his Facebook account; he could easily pick up the phone and call, etc. -- and I think in his mind he just wants to keep moving and not look back.

Meanwhile, all I do is look back... .  :'(

Never say never peas.  I was in a relationship with my borderline ex the first time 25 years ago, it ended badly, as they do, but she contacted me about a year later and about 10 years later, and then found me on Facebook a couple of years ago, where it was off to the races for round two.  Because I thought she'd changed.  Silly me.

No other girlfriend has ever done that, and I've learned that the role we play in a borderline's psyche is that of replacement parent, who may come back in that room when they're lying there alone in their crib, and they don't give up hope.

So he may be focusing elsewhere right now, but if he hits a low spot or finds himself alone, you may just show up on his radar as a potential soother, and it will be all about what he can get.  You sound special to me, but that's irrelevant to him, it could be anyone.  4 months is the blink of an eye in borderline time.

Wow Heal, she really kept tabs on you! Maybe you are correct, four months is the blink of an eye to a pwBPD. I just need to unhook and stop waiting. I got conditioned to wait during the r/s because he did the breaking up and always did the returning.

Hopefully if he does contact me again I will be in a stronger, happier place. And like you said, if he does come back, it will be him looking for something for himself and not about me.

Thank you for your wise and kind words, Heal.

From what Ive read on these boards I have drawn the following conclusions (this is what happened in my own situation so this is based on others accounts and my own account.)

1. If YOU break up with them, theyll stalk you and try desperately to get back with you if there is no replacement... .They continue this until they find a replacement, at this point many people get painted black.

2. If THEY break up with you its usually because there is a replacement.  at this point many people get painted black.

3. Since they dont fully detatch from you, even though they may seem to have moved on and dont care , they have only BURIED their feelings.  the feelings and emotional pain and trauma are not dealt with, so they linger, quietly under the surface (like a virus in a dormant state) outwardly they may not acknowledge them. But know that the trauma and emotions lingered.  Borderlines are highly sensitive so theres NO WAY the feelings disappear. 

4.  They are different with each partner because they learn to ADAPT.  So it takes weeks months or years to get triggered by the replacement.  But be sure that it does.  They may even get married.  But they still have the disorder.

5.  when they are triggered if you are no longer painted jet black and there is no replacement for the replacement in sight, theyll come to you looking to reenage.and you are white again.

6. additionally.  i forgot which post i read it on but the idea was that if they are capable of painting you black permanently, then theyd be capable of painting you white permanently.  and that would just equal a decent boyfriend or girlfriend... .And we all know that that never happens with  pwBPD.  So it makes you wonder if they truly can paint you black permanently then.

Either way, just know that its not a matter of if, its a matter of when.

Take this time as a blessing and heal yourself so when they do come back looking to reengage, you wont take that s*** ever again.

[ShadowDancer]

I think once they call the police on you they permanently detach from you.  [/quote]
In my case this in NOT so. And boy do I have a horror story.

[Mutt]

They contact, we respond - it sets up a way of relating that she comes to expect!

Boundaries around what topics will be communicated - ie. anything to do with the kids otherwise other topics are off limits.

Mutt we need to set boundaries on what is appropriate and cannot expect them to guess.

Do you feel obligated to respond?

I don't feel obligated to respond.

I did set clear boundaries. I defend those boundaries. I get the response from the ex "I do what I want", which means I don't respect your boundaries.

A boundary that I set is that if she doesn't cool off in the way/frequency that she communicates with me, I will call the police, if it continues I will pursue it legally.

I followed through with the police today because I was done with the boundary busting.  You do such and such (boundary) this is how I will respond. I followed through to show that I'm serious with my resolve.

Months ago I had asked to use www.ourfamilywizard.com to communicate, but it takes control/conflict out and she doesn't like it.

Take this time as a blessing and heal yourself so when they do come back looking to reengage, you wont take that s*** ever again.

I agree Oliolioxenfree.

I have mentioned this in other posts but seasonally every single year she gets more prickly this time of the year. Oct-Dec. When we were together, this was push season and she was progressively worse until the Dec where I would have to leave and stay with family. Once at my family, then pulling began. "When are you coming back home Mutt?" like nothing had happened.

I don't know what the deal is with her this time, nor do I care, but I feel emotionally drained (due to her, court, divorce) and depressed lately and I'm just done with her. I'm pushing for my space atm to heal. The way that she has been trying to engage me the last 2-3 weeks feels like when we were married.

I had a sense that this seasonal portion wasn't going to go away and she was going to repeat the same cycle... .again with me... .although she is with the replacement.

It's all fodder and secondary, kids pick up is such and such time and date... .is all we need to talk about now.

[Clearmind]

Ok try not responding at all if it's a topic that is out of bounds. That's a boundary.

You cannot control what someone else does however we can work on our reaction to it.

[strikeforce]

Sorry to hear your story Mutt 

My BPD ex told me that she was seeing another guy and that she was happily settled down, after just a week.

Yet she still texts me wanting to chat and trying to get intimate.

Just an hour ago I text her saying I was deleting her number, don't know what that will do though.

[Mutt]

Ok try not responding at all if it's a topic that is out of bounds. That's a boundary.

You cannot control what someone else does however we can work on our reaction to it.

Your absolutely right.

I also see it as accountability. Harassing someone is wrong and she knows the difference between right and wrong, mentally ill or no. She has to be accountable for her actions. You can't co-parent with a borderline and I'm sorry but I can't give her a break. I gave her breaks for 8 years and where did that end up for me?

I'll file for a restraining order if she continues and outline that in the parenting order.

[Love Is Not Enough]

They never truly detach from anyone properly, because this is an attachment disorder.

I'm not so sure about that. I am certain my ex has fully detached from me and wants nothing to do with me. We both have been NC for four months -- so he's had the chance to return and he's been silent; I'm still blocked from his Facebook account; he could easily pick up the phone and call, etc. -- and I think in his mind he just wants to keep moving and not look back.

Meanwhile, all I do is look back... .  :'(

Never say never peas.  I was in a relationship with my borderline ex the first time 25 years ago, it ended badly, as they do, but she contacted me about a year later and about 10 years later, and then found me on Facebook a couple of years ago, where it was off to the races for round two.  Because I thought she'd changed.  Silly me.

No other girlfriend has ever done that, and I've learned that the role we play in a borderline's psyche is that of replacement parent, who may come back in that room when they're lying there alone in their crib, and they don't give up hope.

So he may be focusing elsewhere right now, but if he hits a low spot or finds himself alone, you may just show up on his radar as a potential soother, and it will be all about what he can get.  You sound special to me, but that's irrelevant to him, it could be anyone.  4 months is the blink of an eye in borderline time.

Wow Heal, she really kept tabs on you! Maybe you are correct, four months is the blink of an eye to a pwBPD. I just need to unhook and stop waiting. I got conditioned to wait during the r/s because he did the breaking up and always did the returning.

Hopefully if he does contact me again I will be in a stronger, happier place. And like you said, if he does come back, it will be him looking for something for himself and not about me.

Thank you for your wise and kind words, Heal.

From what Ive read on these boards I have drawn the following conclusions (this is what happened in my own situation so this is based on others accounts and my own account.)

1. If YOU break up with them, theyll stalk you and try desperately to get back with you if there is no replacement... .They continue this until they find a replacement, at this point many people get painted black.

2. If THEY break up with you its usually because there is a replacement.  at this point many people get painted black.

3. Since they dont fully detatch from you, even though they may seem to have moved on and dont care , they have only BURIED their feelings.  the feelings and emotional pain and trauma are not dealt with, so they linger, quietly under the surface (like a virus in a dormant state) outwardly they may not acknowledge them. But know that the trauma and emotions lingered.  Borderlines are highly sensitive so theres NO WAY the feelings disappear.

4.  They are different with each partner because they learn to ADAPT.  So it takes weeks months or years to get triggered by the replacement.  But be sure that it does.  They may even get married.  But they still have the disorder.

5.  when they are triggered if you are no longer painted jet black and there is no replacement for the replacement in sight, theyll come to you looking to reenage.and you are white again.

6. additionally.  i forgot which post i read it on but the idea was that if they are capable of painting you black permanently, then theyd be capable of painting you white permanently.  and that would just equal a decent boyfriend or girlfriend... .And we all know that that never happens with  pwBPD.  So it makes you wonder if they truly can paint you black permanently then.

Either way, just know that its not a matter of if, its a matter of when.

Take this time as a blessing and heal yourself so when they do come back looking to reengage, you wont take that s*** ever again.

They never truly detach from anyone properly, because this is an attachment disorder. 

Yes, and a borderline trait is to harbor reunion fantasies with all of their exes.

This has all helped me understand why my uBPDgf went to see her ex she broke up with over 6 years ago. Even after a marriage and two kids. She tried to tell me it was to get closure, but what kind closure do you need after 6 years? I just can't get it out of my head that he has some kind of incredible control over her and that basically invalidates me in the relationship or makes me unworthy. The only other theory I could come up with, besides the obvious one that she wants to reunite, was to show me off to him. I have literally driven myself insane the last year trying to make sense of this.

That they never fully detach because they bury their feelings makes perfect sense. She was upset with me for going out of town on business so she went to see him because I was painted black and he was at least not as black as I was at that moment. That they want to reunite with all of their exes at some point makes a lot of sense. I remember now when my gf changed her phone number when we first started seeing each other. She claimed that an ex (different than the one she visited)  had found her on FB and had kept harassing her to come back to him. I would bet every dime I have that she imitated that reunion and then could not get him to stop contacting her after she hooked me. He was probably just another possible replacement. Wow, this is a major realization for me.

Thanks guys for the info. It has helped me come to terms with some of the garbage floating around in my mind. Anything to get the trash out is a big help.

[Clearmind]

Ok try not responding at all if it's a topic that is out of bounds. That's a boundary.

You cannot control what someone else does however we can work on our reaction to it.

Your absolutely right.

I also see it as accountability. Harassing someone is wrong and she knows the difference between right and wrong, mentally ill or no. She has to be accountable for her actions. You can't co-parent with a borderline and I'm sorry but I can't give her a break. I gave her breaks for 8 years and where did that end up for me?

I'll file for a restraining order if she continues and outline that in the parenting order.

Harassment is certainly a different ball game Mutt.

What type of harassment is it?

[Mutt]

Ok try not responding at all if it's a topic that is out of bounds. That's a boundary.

You cannot control what someone else does however we can work on our reaction to it.

Your absolutely right.

I also see it as accountability. Harassing someone is wrong and she knows the difference between right and wrong, mentally ill or no. She has to be accountable for her actions. You can't co-parent with a borderline and I'm sorry but I can't give her a break. I gave her breaks for 8 years and where did that end up for me?

I'll file for a restraining order if she continues and outline that in the parenting order.

Harassment is certainly a different ball game Mutt.

What type of harassment is it?

Money. She got an interim order while we're in litigation for child support. I wasn't paying per government standards. That was a couple of weeks ago and she was sending many calls/e-mails and approached me in the waiting area for court. She was trying to guilt me. She left and had no job and I was the sole provider. All together there are 4 kids (1 from a previous relationship). She took the vehicle and was trying to come after me for vehicle repairs. I know she works part-time but per her response, she says she needs to stay at home for the kids. I have no clue what the boyfriend contributes to her for money.

I sound angry, maybe I'm over-reacting and lashing out by calling the police on her. I just feel like I'm not in a place right now to take on her antics, due to financial pressure, divorce etc... .

[Oliolioxenfree]

They never truly detach from anyone properly, because this is an attachment disorder.

I'm not so sure about that. I am certain my ex has fully detached from me and wants nothing to do with me. We both have been NC for four months -- so he's had the chance to return and he's been silent; I'm still blocked from his Facebook account; he could easily pick up the phone and call, etc. -- and I think in his mind he just wants to keep moving and not look back.

Meanwhile, all I do is look back... .  :'(

Never say never peas.  I was in a relationship with my borderline ex the first time 25 years ago, it ended badly, as they do, but she contacted me about a year later and about 10 years later, and then found me on Facebook a couple of years ago, where it was off to the races for round two.  Because I thought she'd changed.  Silly me.

No other girlfriend has ever done that, and I've learned that the role we play in a borderline's psyche is that of replacement parent, who may come back in that room when they're lying there alone in their crib, and they don't give up hope.

So he may be focusing elsewhere right now, but if he hits a low spot or finds himself alone, you may just show up on his radar as a potential soother, and it will be all about what he can get.  You sound special to me, but that's irrelevant to him, it could be anyone.  4 months is the blink of an eye in borderline time.

Wow Heal, she really kept tabs on you! Maybe you are correct, four months is the blink of an eye to a pwBPD. I just need to unhook and stop waiting. I got conditioned to wait during the r/s because he did the breaking up and always did the returning.

Hopefully if he does contact me again I will be in a stronger, happier place. And like you said, if he does come back, it will be him looking for something for himself and not about me.

Thank you for your wise and kind words, Heal.

From what Ive read on these boards I have drawn the following conclusions (this is what happened in my own situation so this is based on others accounts and my own account.)

1. If YOU break up with them, theyll stalk you and try desperately to get back with you if there is no replacement... .They continue this until they find a replacement, at this point many people get painted black.

2. If THEY break up with you its usually because there is a replacement.  at this point many people get painted black.

3. Since they dont fully detatch from you, even though they may seem to have moved on and dont care , they have only BURIED their feelings.  the feelings and emotional pain and trauma are not dealt with, so they linger, quietly under the surface (like a virus in a dormant state) outwardly they may not acknowledge them. But know that the trauma and emotions lingered.  Borderlines are highly sensitive so theres NO WAY the feelings disappear.

4.  They are different with each partner because they learn to ADAPT.  So it takes weeks months or years to get triggered by the replacement.  But be sure that it does.  They may even get married.  But they still have the disorder.

5.  when they are triggered if you are no longer painted jet black and there is no replacement for the replacement in sight, theyll come to you looking to reenage.and you are white again.

6. additionally.  i forgot which post i read it on but the idea was that if they are capable of painting you black permanently, then theyd be capable of painting you white permanently.  and that would just equal a decent boyfriend or girlfriend... .And we all know that that never happens with  pwBPD.  So it makes you wonder if they truly can paint you black permanently then.

Either way, just know that its not a matter of if, its a matter of when.

Take this time as a blessing and heal yourself so when they do come back looking to reengage, you wont take that s*** ever again.

They never truly detach from anyone properly, because this is an attachment disorder. 

Yes, and a borderline trait is to harbor reunion fantasies with all of their exes.

This has all helped me understand why my uBPDgf went to see her ex she broke up with over 6 years ago. Even after a marriage and two kids. She tried to tell me it was to get closure, but what kind closure do you need after 6 years? I just can't get it out of my head that he has some kind of incredible control over her and that basically invalidates me in the relationship or makes me unworthy. The only other theory I could come up with, besides the obvious one that she wants to reunite, was to show me off to him. I have literally driven myself insane the last year trying to make sense of this.

That they never fully detach because they bury their feelings makes perfect sense. She was upset with me for going out of town on business so she went to see him because I was painted black and he was at least not as black as I was at that moment. That they want to reunite with all of their exes at some point makes a lot of sense. I remember now when my gf changed her phone number when we first started seeing each other. She claimed that an ex (different than the one she visited)  had found her on FB and had kept harassing her to come back to him. I would bet every dime I have that she imitated that reunion and then could not get him to stop contacting her after she hooked me. He was probably just another possible replacement. Wow, this is a major realization for me.

Thanks guys for the info. It has helped me come to terms with some of the garbage floating around in my mind. Anything to get the trash out is a big help.

Love is not enough,

One of the hardest things for me to accept was that my BPDexbf did indeed have Borderline Personality Disorder.  I had to stop taking it all personally.  I was just one in a chain of partners who had been treated in a similar fashion.  its hard to accept this.  I understand exactly where you are at.  Its damn near impossible to make sense of the behavior.  It makes you feel like your mind is running in circles.

Just keep reading these boards, these some wonderfully insightful posts by many members that will really help you gain the clarity you need.

Stay strong, you are ahead of the game because you found these boards!

[fromheeltoheal]

Love is not enough,

One of the hardest things for me to accept was that my BPDexbf did indeed have Borderline Personality Disorder.  I had to stop taking it all personally.  I was just one in a chain of partners who had been treated in a similar fashion.  its hard to accept this.  I understand exactly where you are at.  Its damn near impossible to make sense of the behavior.  It makes you feel like your mind is running in circles.

And mine was 45 years old and had many, many previous partners.  She had honed her craft and had an arsenal of manipulative statements and games that she had perfected over the years to affect the attachment.  The underlying motivation was her beliefs that everyone is ugly and everyone will leave her, so she has to set the hooks quickly and deep.  It all felt like a choreographed game, I couldn't put my finger on it when I was in it, but I willing played anyway.  I was also consciously letting it go at the time, figuring all that stuff will just mellow out as we get closer and started developing true intimacy; how the hell should I know she's incapable of going there?  Hmmm.  That's something to work on going forward... .

[Mutt]

Love is not enough,

One of the hardest things for me to accept was that my BPDexbf did indeed have Borderline Personality Disorder.  I had to stop taking it all personally.  I was just one in a chain of partners who had been treated in a similar fashion.  its hard to accept this.  I understand exactly where you are at.  Its damn near impossible to make sense of the behavior.  It makes you feel like your mind is running in circles.

Just keep reading these boards, these some wonderfully insightful posts by many members that will really help you gain the clarity you need.

Stay strong, you are ahead of the game because you found these boards!

When someone in my family said "BPD" after she left and I started reading up on it, all of the craziness when I was with her just all clicked into place. Everything started to make sense. I agree Oliolioxenfree it's a hard pill to swallow and I felt like I was flipping back and forth with accepting it. I still am. I tried so hard to reason with her over the years, and there's a part of me that still cares because she is a human being. But there's that part of me that is so hurt from the betrayal and the selfish destructivness that she ignorantly causes unto the kids and I. It feels like my mouth is gagged and my hands and feet are tied and there's nothing that I can do. I have my own control issues due to fear of abandonment from being adopted. I pray that someday she gets help. It's tough cutting someone off is what I'm getting at and I'm having a tough time with stopping my own triggers on her. But, we're not together anymore so there's no sense in me learning those tools. It's getting to acceptance and difference and stop reacting to all of it, I'm struggling with.

[peas]

One of the hardest things for me to accept was that my BPDexbf did indeed have Borderline Personality Disorder. I had to stop taking it all personally. I was just one in a chain of partners who had been treated in a similar fashion.  its hard to accept this. I understand exactly where you are at. Its damn near impossible to make sense of the behavior. It makes you feel like your mind is running in circles.

Actually, I feel the opposite: I can easily accept my ex may have BPD because it releases me from taking things personally. He's undiagnosed, but knowing what I know of BPD post b/u, I understand more about his behavior. Sure, the behavior is confusing and irrational, but with BPD as a possible explanation, that takes pressure off me from wondering where I went wrong with him, why I wasn't enough. He certainly got me emotionally jumbled up and I'm still trying to get over our bad dynamic, but I do feel more off the hook attributing his behavior to a mental disorder. 

[fromheeltoheal]

One of the hardest things for me to accept was that my BPDexbf did indeed have Borderline Personality Disorder. I had to stop taking it all personally. I was just one in a chain of partners who had been treated in a similar fashion.  its hard to accept this. I understand exactly where you are at. Its damn near impossible to make sense of the behavior. It makes you feel like your mind is running in circles.

Actually, I feel the opposite: I can easily accept my ex may have BPD because it releases me from taking things personally. He's undiagnosed, but knowing what I know of BPD post b/u, I understand more about his behavior. Sure, the behavior is confusing and irrational, but with BPD as a possible explanation, that takes pressure off me from wondering where I went wrong with him, why I wasn't enough. He certainly got me emotionally jumbled up and I'm still trying to get over our bad dynamic, but I do feel more off the hook attributing his behavior to a mental disorder.  

Yeah, me too peas.  When I started learning about BPD and reading all the experiences here a big weight was lifted and suddenly everything made sense.  And then as I learned more and got my head around it, I'd start remembering things I'd forgotten which also fit and I felt even better.  The profound part for me is I was extremely close to a serious mental illness and didn't know it at the time.  Yikes!  That'll motivate you to dig into your own stuff, the gift of that relationship.