Which is the real him? Struggling with new image of ex

[Vibration]

Hello all. Please can I have your thoughts on an aspect of my breakup I’m still struggling with.

My undiagnosed BPD ex ended the relationship saying that the spark had gone, that we were drifting into friendship, that he been here before and that he didn’t want one or both of us to end up hating or resenting the other.

When I put forward my argument to stay together he said he still loved me and found me attractive but we couldn’t force it and that he felt he couldn’t give me what I wanted.

That was more than two months ago. This weekend I found a new online profile he’d set up anonymously of him posing seriously in full leather fetish gear. I assume this is what he meant when he said he couldn’t give me what I wanted (i.e. a full, committed stable relationship).

I’m left wondering whether the spark dying for him was part of his criticism of me or some self awareness of his BPD traits i.e. that he genuinely couldn’t sustain an interest in me.

I’m also really struggling with the image of him in leather gear. This was not the man I had grown to love. We’d never really discussed sex in the relationship; I thought because we were in love all that would develop naturally. Now I wonder if I simply wasn’t “interesting” enough for him or whether this new ‘image’ for him is part of his attempts to play out other ‘selves’ and perhaps one where he doesn’t have to commit to a relationship, just casual sexual encounters. Maybe this was the real him all along and he was playing happy families with me.

Which was the real him?

[Ironmanrises]

All the selves... .

Are the real him.

Intertwined in one person.

Hard to understand... .?

Yes.

[Waifed]

His new victim might be into that kind of stuff.

[patientandclear]

You might want to read The Buddha & the Borderline, an autobiographical book by a woman wBPD.  She has a leather dominatrix persona that she slips into to be anonymous and have contact with people in a way that will not hurt her emotionally.  That is not her persona in most of her relationships, but you can understand reading the book what her attraction is to the anonymity, the "don't give a ___" persona.

I think it's readily apparent that physical intimacy with someone who knows you well and whom you actually care for emotionally is super scary to pwBPD.   Separating those out may be easier (sex over here, emotional intimacy over there).

[fromheeltoheal]

What specific traits of borderline personality disorder do you notice?

[jollygreen]

All of them are who he is. He can't be them all at the same time. So something happened to trigger him into the bad side which is not your fault. Most of the time it's something from the past that appears to be occurring again in their current relationship, although its a figment of their imagination it seems very real to them. So they push you away.  They mirror image their partner in the beginning of the relationship, which is the time that we really love and get attached to them because we think we finally found someone just like us.  Soon after they realize that they aren't sure who their identity is and this is when things go haywire. Triggers become easy to set off and they start to be less loving, until boom! And they're gone.

BPD relationship cycle:

Loving enamoured phase

Clinger phase

Hater phase

It either starts over with you or someone else. You got to see all the sides of this person. Do you like all of them?

[Vibration]

Thank you for your responses. It is always comforting to hear from people who understand. Talking to others about this, they want me to instantly "get over" it and see this as a good thing. It is good because it's helpful for me to know that really there was nothing I could do to maintain this relationship and that whatever the reasons for it falling apart after such intoxicating promise, they certainly weren't all my fault and it doesn't make me any less worthy.

He had plenty of other BPD traits - passive aggressive criticism of me and overt criticism to me of his 'friends' and family, even saying outloud once "I don't know what's wrong with me. I can't make friends easily and I get bored of people quickly." Coupled with the rocket fast way we entered into a full-blown loving relationship with proclamations of how proud he was to call me his boyfriend, I think there was plenty to say he was on the BPD spectrum.