Lies on top of lies, garnished with more lies

[rosemire]

My 18 year old daughter has been in and out of the mental health system for years. She seemed to be getting better until January, when she suddenly dropped out of university. She told me she was consumed by a relationship and it upset her so much that she stopped going to class. I sympathetically brought her home, watched her get a job and... .just not go to work. She would lie and say work called her and told her not to come in. She would go to friends' houses instead of work. She's become a very good liar.

She got an out-of-state, great job. I trundled her off... .only to have her come home because "They're going to place me somewhere else, because this wasn't a good fit." Except the real reason was because she just didn't go. She'd lie to her job and say she wasn't scheduled that day, or she didn't understand, or whatever. But she just didn't go.

I confronted her about her lies. That night, as I was about to leave for work, she swallowed two bottles of Aleve, leaving them very conspicuously on the counter next to an empty water glass. Lids were even off of them and laid nicely next to them. Of course, I asked. She laughed and told me she could do whatever she wanted. Her sisters (younger) cried and begged her not to die. She laughed. She ran outside and started trying to run into the road to get hit by a car. I managed to get her into short-term care. They discharged with a new diagnosis of BPD. I rolled my eyes and thought "Another diagnosis?" but this one makes sense! At first, I had hope!

Due to the trauma she has put my other children through, I sent her to live with a neighbor. This neighbor was going to ration out privileges such as computer use and cellphone, etc, based on dd's going to therapy, going to work, etc. Except DD pulled out the lies and convinced the neighbor that I was a neglectful mom who only sent dd to mental health treatment because I couldn't deal with her. She is a poor, pitiful child who's never even had a new pair of jeans in her life! Neighbor bought it hook, like and sinker.

DD got a job... .but this morning, her workplace called me and neighbor, looking for her. Turns out she never came home last night. Neighbor thought she was with a specific friend but she wasn't. We finally found her. She said to Neighbor, "Work called me and told me not to come in." Which of course is a flat-out lie.

How do you handle the constant lying? She lies about dumb stuff, like telling her friend her grandmother was outside when it was just some random person. Is there any hope the lying will ever stop and responsibility will kick in?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

Is there any hope the lying will ever stop and responsibility will kick in?

Hi, rosemire & 

I've already welcomed you in your Intro on the New Member Board, but I'd like to welcome you again because I want to make sure you know that you can have hope! Your daughter has just recently been diagnosed with BPD, and she is young. And many of us on the Parenting Board have found out that with our own better understanding of how our child's mind works, and our own learning of the communicating and coping skills that you can find by clicking on the links to the TOOLS and THE LESSONS (on the right-hand margin right on this page), things have gotten better with our children.

Please know that we understand what you are going through, and know the pain and stress that is involved with a BPD child; none of us have been spared the hurt and confusion that you are feeling. But, there really are ways to cope and help our child get to the place where he/she will figure out that they have a problem, need help, and then go and get that help. Please don't give up, rosemire... .You have the diagnosis, you've reached out to us, and we are here for you   

Stay here, post more of your story and ask your questions, and read everything you can. It really will help... .I'm so very glad you found us!

[Kate4queen]

I found with my son that he lied when he didn't want to confront the reality that he wasn't capable of turning up for a job, or fulfilling an assignment. It was sort of a I'll fail before you can fail me reaction which I didn't understand at all until I realized it sprang from his deep sense of lack of self and lack of confidence.

I think it is to protect their fragile selves.

Not that that helps you much because the reality of living with it is so draining and debilitating.

Is your DD willing to see a therapist? Does she know what's up with her?

and more importantly, do you have someone on your side like a therapist to keep you sane? I couldn't help my son until I'd made myself stronger.

Please know that we all understand where you are at the moment, and no one will judge you here.

[crazedncrazymom]

   I'm so sorry your family is going through this.  It must be so hard having such ugly lies told about you.  I know how painful that can be.  . Even though the lies are horrible and so hurtful there very well could be an underlying reason.  I wonder what your dd is getting out of these lies.  Maybe the idea of a job is too stressful for her.  She does have a serious mental illness and anxiety is a huge component of BPD.

You will find a lot of parents here who can truly empathize and understand what you are going through.  I'm looking forward to getting to know you and your family.

-crazed

[rosemire]

She refuses to go to therapy, insisting there is nothing wrong with her. Unfortunately, the lady she is staying with has fed into the situation and they both have convinced themselves that I've made all of this up. I offered to bring paperwork from objective sources, and they refused.

My daughter was in-patient for 2.5 years. 2.5 years where she did NOT live with me, where I could NOT have made situations up! She was evaluated by psychiatrists, psychologists, neurologists, therapists. And yet somehow she has a small part of our community convinced that I made everything up! Sadly, she is also beginning to tell people I abused her. I don't even know what to think anymore.

I think your recommendation of a therapist for me is probably a good plan. I feel like I'm beginning to question my own sanity!

[js friend]

Hi rosemire,

My dd19 lies over the dumbest stuff too and usually they become more elaborate and bizarre when she is confronted with stuff she just doesnt want to deal with.I have dealt with the same issues you have dealt with... .I have accused of abusing her on 2 separate occasions... .and I have also heard all the excuses of dd not going into work... .because they dont need her... .she was ill at work and they sent her home... .or they let her go home early. I have the same excuses the last few years of school and the when she attended college briefly last 3x before dropping out so i know and symaphatise wtih what you are dealing with

I must admit this has been pretty hard for me to accept as my dd is a very intelligent girl but I just dont think she is capable of functioning in a work or learning enviornments. so I have to come to terms that my dd maybe low functioning along with the fact that my dd tells lies.It  has literally taken me years to get to this point of Radical Acceptance, and it certainly didnt happen overnight.

The lies are there as a nature of this disease, and confronting my dd only made things worse... .each time I did the deflection would start and someone else was to blame... .I find that what works better is validating my dd's feelings rather than the lies. What are her feelings behind what she is telling me... .and i have found out that a lot of it is actually fear... .fear of being abandoned... .fear of not being liked and accepted into part of a group... .fear of not being good enough... .even fear of failing exams and im sure my dd also has general everyday social anxieties ontop.

What I found what helped me to keep my sanity was to keep a diary. It gave me something to refer back to and it helped when i was doubting myself. And a t as kate4queen suggested is another good idea.

I also wouldnt bother with trying to prove your innocence to your community.People will always talk and believe what they want over the years I have realised that. Even  my own family were doubters too  until they each began to  have personal experiernce of my dd's behaviour.

Also try to make the time to and do things for yourself that you enjoy. you could start with going for a walk perhaps or an art class. I know that probably sounds wierd to say somehting like that at a time like now, but you really need to look after yourself to preserve your sanity and to keep you, and not loosing yourself in your dd's BPD.