manifestation of shame

[caughtnreleased]

So, I've recently come to realize that I am ashamed, and one way that it really manifests itself is when I am in a relationship, ie: I am ashamed of the people I chose as partners.   That realization started to make me feel guilty about how I've treated ALL my relationships.  I would experience anxiety at the thought of my boyfriends mixing with my friends (this RARELY, if ever, happened), and even introducing a boyfriend to my family created anxiety.  Why was I ashamed of them?  I suppose there were different reasons, but I thought that others (like my friends) would be able to see right through these guys who on the outside were good looking, smart and successful (ok BPDex was the first two, not the last) but on the inside very insecure.  For some of them, I was also afraid that they might not treat me well in front of others (this did manifest itself at times), which would make me feel even more ashamed. 

In addition to fear, I was afraid, because they were special to me in some way, and I think I was TERRIFED of being judged by others.  So, in a way I was ashamed for my choices, but also afraid.  And therefore isolating myself in my relationships was a way of protecting myself... .from more shame.

Then, I realized I am also ashamed of my uBPD mother, and experience anxiety at introducing her to my friends (which I tried once, and she created a problem, complained and then left).   Perhaps the solution to this is detaching yourself from the actions of others?... .I don't know if it can really be that simple.

[Whatwasthat]

I think I was TERRIFED of being judged by others... .Perhaps the solution to this is detaching yourself from the actions of others?... .I don't know if it can really be that simple.

Hi Unhooking

It sounds as if you've reached a very useful point of understanding about yourself.

I'm wondering if it has as much to do with trying to detach from the opinions of others as it has to do with detaching from the actions of others? In other words not fearing being judged so much... .being judged for your choices of partners or for anything else for that matter.

I could relate to a lot of what you wrote in that I'm someone who has attached too much importance to the opinions of others throughout much of my life - and this has influenced my choices in negative ways and meant that I've had trouble getting in touch with what it is that I really want to do.

I think the solutions to these ways of thinking are in a way simple - and in a way not. I find that it takes a lot of work to shift my attitudes.

But that's just my perspective - and I'm sure your issues will have other aspects to them too.

I do think it's good that you're having such helpful insights about your feelings.

WWT.

[fromheeltoheal]

So, I've recently come to realize that I am ashamed, and one way that it really manifests itself is when I am in a relationship, ie: I am ashamed of the people I chose as partners.   That realization started to make me feel guilty about how I've treated ALL my relationships.  I would experience anxiety at the thought of my boyfriends mixing with my friends (this RARELY, if ever, happened), and even introducing a boyfriend to my family created anxiety.  Why was I ashamed of them?  I suppose there were different reasons, but I thought that others (like my friends) would be able to see right through these guys who on the outside were good looking, smart and successful (ok BPDex was the first two, not the last) but on the inside very insecure.  For some of them, I was also afraid that they might not treat me well in front of others (this did manifest itself at times), which would make me feel even more ashamed. 

In addition to fear, I was afraid, because they were special to me in some way, and I think I was TERRIFED of being judged by others.  So, in a way I was ashamed for my choices, but also afraid.  And therefore isolating myself in my relationships was a way of protecting myself... .from more shame.

Lately I've learned the distinction between guilt and shame; guilt says I did something bad, shame says I am bad.  I'm curious what the underlying feeling is when we say we're ashamed of people we chose as partners.  Does that mean we see them as flawed, and since they're with us they are an extension of us, making us flawed?  Or do we think we should be able to do better and this is the best we can do, and we're embarrassed to broadcast our limitations by being with that person?  Or is it that we consider traits like insecurity faults, and if our partner shows up insecure, by association we are also insecure, and the vulnerability involved in divulging that is just too scary?  Or is it as you say, that the dynamic of our relationship includes aspects we're not proud to admit, treatment by our partner that we don't want to take public, and there's that threat of exposure and the accompanying embarrassment?

Interesting topic, one I've struggled with before.  Funny how we consider it courageous when other people express vulnerability but weak when we do, and taking a significant other out into the world, someone we've been intimate with, and exposing that is scary.  I don't know that I'd label it shame in my case, more embarrassment or vulnerability, or the threat of them.

[Whatwasthat]

I was thinking about some of the issues you raised unhooking and wondered if you'd seen this workshop on enmeshment and codependence? I haven't read it all yet but I found it very useful. There's some reference to how - if we've grown up in a situation where relationships tend to be 'enmeshed' - sometimes we get our worth mixed up with that of other people.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=111772.0


Hoping all is well with you today. WWT.

[caughtnreleased]

Hi whatwasthat! Thanks so much for that... .it is a very good point.  Indeed, I think it probably does have a lot to do with enmeshment.  I need to understand that other people's actions are their own, and that they are not a reflection of me, as I am my own person.  Also, I love your name... .It definitely expresses how I felt after meeting my pwBPD!