So, I've recently come to realize that I am ashamed, and one way that it really manifests itself is when I am in a relationship, ie: I am ashamed of the people I chose as partners. That realization started to make me feel guilty about how I've treated ALL my relationships. I would experience anxiety at the thought of my boyfriends mixing with my friends (this RARELY, if ever, happened), and even introducing a boyfriend to my family created anxiety. Why was I ashamed of them? I suppose there were different reasons, but I thought that others (like my friends) would be able to see right through these guys who on the outside were good looking, smart and successful (ok BPDex was the first two, not the last) but on the inside very insecure. For some of them, I was also afraid that they might not treat me well in front of others (this did manifest itself at times), which would make me feel even more ashamed.
In addition to fear, I was afraid, because they were special to me in some way, and I think I was TERRIFED of being judged by others. So, in a way I was ashamed for my choices, but also afraid. And therefore isolating myself in my relationships was a way of protecting myself... .from more shame.
Lately I've learned the distinction between guilt and shame; guilt says I did something bad, shame says I am bad. I'm curious what the underlying feeling is when we say we're ashamed of people we chose as partners. Does that mean we see them as flawed, and since they're with us they are an extension of us, making us flawed? Or do we think we should be able to do better and this is the best we can do, and we're embarrassed to broadcast our limitations by being with that person? Or is it that we consider traits like insecurity faults, and if our partner shows up insecure, by association we are also insecure, and the vulnerability involved in divulging that is just too scary? Or is it as you say, that the dynamic of our relationship includes aspects we're not proud to admit, treatment by our partner that we don't want to take public, and there's that threat of exposure and the accompanying embarrassment?
Interesting topic, one I've struggled with before. Funny how we consider it courageous when other people express vulnerability but weak when we do, and taking a significant other out into the world, someone we've been intimate with, and exposing that is scary. I don't know that I'd label it shame in my case, more embarrassment or vulnerability, or the threat of them.
