Getting hard with holidays approaching

[enough abuse]

I have now had 8 months of "no contact" with my UBPD sister. 

I won't tell the whole story again but this has been going on about 12 years and after each eruption which got uglier and uglier as each one occured, I kept "forgiving" and going back and hoping it would never happen again.  3 years ago I finally starting putting things together recognizing a pattern and my sister's behaviors were just not "right" and it was more than just being outspoken which she pride's herself on.

I saw a psychologist and after 20min she dx BPD and the more I learn and read and read the stories on here, there is no question... .my sister is "textbook"

Our father passed away from cancer when she was 7 and I was 12.  Our mother did everything to give a great life and did a wonderful job.  My mother would do anything for either one of us.  Of course my sister believes I "am the favorite"

Since the last incident in March my mother has had very limited contact with her and her 4 children.  My mom has also seen a psychologist and social worker and understands what is going on. 

I have a wonderful aunt who invites us over each year for a holiday gathering.  My sister has not gone the last few years.  Always comes up with reasons not to come.  My aunt understands what has happened over the last year and just can't believe it.  My aunt however told my mom she was inviting my sister and her family.  I am sure they will not come but it upsets me terribly.  I know I can't control what my aunt does and she truly is not trying to cause a problem but I do not know what she is thinking... .why would she do this?  I told my mom but some chance they go, I certainly will not go... .I mean like that would be a good time... .I have NOTHING to say to her. 

My mom became very emotional and is really upset as we are her only 2 children and we will not be having a family Christmas and probably never will again.  I am not happy about this and in fact I am terribly hurt, sad, bitter and everything else you can image.  I also know I can't go back anymore.  I have 2 children of my own and have vowed they will not be exposed to this anymore.

I am just so sad ... .

[GeekyGirl]

Hi enough abuse,

 Holidays can be painful. For many of us, they bring up memories (some good, some not-so-good), and then there's the "what should I do about [relative with BPD]?" question.

It sounds like your aunt is trying to be inclusive, and I doubt that there's any ill-will on her part, but at the same time, I can see why you'd be nervous about the (even remote) possibility that your sister and her family will attend. You're probably anxious at the thought. Are you angry at your aunt for inviting your sister?

What would you ideally like to do this holiday? How can you make sure that you're comfortable and can make this a happy occasion for your children?

[enough abuse]

I totally know my aunt is not trying to be "ill willed"  She understands the situation and feels horrible for what we are going through.  My aunt has seen "first hand" some of the very inappropriate things my sister has put on facebook.  My aunt is a very faithful person would not "not invite" them.  It just really frustrates me that she would do it because she knows the situation. 

As I discussed this with my mom the other day, my mom became very upset and crying.  My mom is involved in this as well and as I mentioned has had very little contact with my sister and her kids. 


My mom just is very sad as I am as well that she can't have her family together for the holidays.  She understands but it is still hard.  My mom thinks "I hate" my sister.  I have told her I don't hate her... .but I hate the situation... .I have gone back about 4 or 5 times after severe abuse and know that I know it will NEVER be better and I can't do anyting about it... .I can't step back into this.

It is very hard for me to accept.  I am a Nurse Practitioner, I am use to helping people and for every situation and illness their is a "treatment"  if the treatment fails then there is hospice.  Hospice helps people die with dignity and is a support system for families.  I have told many people it is easier to deal with the death of a loved one than live with a sister with BPD.  This my sound harsh but what I am referring to is... .someone that passes that you have loved... .you can smile as you hold on to all the good memories, there is a sense of peace, love and generally support and understanding of friends and family... .living with someone with BPD has NONE of this... .

I don't know what I want to do for the holidays... .I have no idea how to get through it.  A local radio station started playing Christmas music... .something that usually makes me very happy makes me want to cry this year... I can hardly listen to it.   I have to find a way because I have 2 little boys 4 and 7.  This could be one the the best Christmas's for them as far as their ages and I am struggling.  My mom doesnt know what she is doing for Thanksgiving.  She has a male friend and they may go to his daughters house.  I told her she is always invited to my house.  Then her comment is "well if I come to your house she will think I favor you"  I got so MAD... .Hello mom... .you have not talked to her hardly at all in 8 months and she called you a "spoiled bhit who was never a good mother and the pain my mom was suffering due to spinal stenosis my sister told her she deserved and God was punishing her and she deserved it"... .it just unset me so much for her to say that... .She is not going to go to her house anyway... .ugh... . 

I love spending the holidays with my husbands family but quite honestly I really don't want to go anywhere.  I know I have to suck it up and go... .but I really am having a hard time. 

I apprieciate any thoughts and suggestions anyone can offer

[GeekyGirl]

It is very hard for me to accept. 

My mother has BPD, and it is hard to accept that she won't get treatment--it is totally up to me to do the work involved in our relationship. That can be frustrating at times.

Coming to terms with a relative's illness, as you've seen as a nurse, can be very difficult. When you learn that a relative has BPD, it can certainly feel like there has been a death in the family. You do go through a mourning process. If you look to the right of this page, you'll see the Survivor's Guide. Mourning the loss of the relationship you thought you had or wish you had is actually an important step in the healing process.

I love spending the holidays with my husbands family but quite honestly I really don't want to go anywhere.  I know I have to suck it up and go... .but I really am having a hard time. 

Do you have to? Would your husband and/or his family be open to having a Christmas at your house?

[enough abuse]

My husband's family (as well as mine) live 2.5 hours away.  My husband is one of 6 kids and 20 grandkids.  They all live in that area, they would never travel to our house. 

Thanks for the tip on the survivors guide... .I will check it out.  I take all the advice I can get.