Moving from Staying to Leaving--help me unpack my BAGGAGE

[peacebaby]

Hello there!   The link below tells the story of the breaking up I am doing with my now-ex-partner with BPD--I call her Carmel here on the board for some reason. The break up has not been ugly yet which is so cool--I mean, years leading up to the break up have been ugly but these past couple weeks have been great. Feel free read my Staying posts that date back to 2008.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=212659.0

So basically, we're still in love but breaking up because we're not getting any healthier or happier being together. We should have done this years ago, but we did not. Carmel gets that she has BPD, has done DBT, but we're just  toxic to each other 75% of the time now and that's just  way too much. I'm basically feeling excited and positive about being apart from her, and focusing on the future.

[havana]

Good for you peacebaby.

You have been here a long time. I happy for you that the breakup is going well. Best to you in the future. 

[peacebaby]

Thanks, Havana! It's going as well as it possibly could so far. Just one more week cohabitating and it's done.

Sure will miss the hugs.

[RecycledNoMore]

Unpack ur bags mate, Its so nice to hear that you sound positive and hopefull for your future

And  Im glad to hear your cats ok!, just take care of yourself, this is just the begining... .

[Somewhere]

wow.  Too bad even DBT cannot help.  Sometime ago, DBT was my rescue fantasy.  Even found a top guy who would take us a couple.

About the same time Mrs. Somewhere was firing her real T for just mentioning "Borderline Traits."

So the DBT guy was a No Go.

At any rate, good to find yourself on a path where you know you are going rather than having crazy folks steering the car.  So welcome to the next layer of Hell.

[peacebaby]

I am hoping this is not the next layer of hell.  We're both going through a lot, and once she does not live here and her life is her life, I believe I'll have strong boundaries.

[peacebaby]

Thursday night update... .Things have been very up and down, but no more so than usual, considering my partner Carmel is moving out Saturday morning. I am still very excited about my freedom, feel sad on and off, and still not sure if I'm "leaving" or not. There's no question that our 12 years of living together will end on Saturday--most of her stuff is packed, she has a plan with friends and a car, I've got a friend moving in this weekend,can't believe the plans I've  been making for the way the apartment will be without her are going to be real. My freedom is actually 48 hours from now.  As far as whether we are breaking up, or having a trial separation, or involved but living an hour away from each other with a financially separate relationship, we are gonna see what happens. 

[fromheeltoheal]

Whoa.  12 years and you've been around here for 5.  I can't imagine.  My relationship was much shorter than that, and had we been together a few more months one of us would be dead, I have no doubt.

I'm curious: there must have been long stretches in the 12 years where things were kinda status quo and somewhat stable?  I haven't read your older posts but we never got anywhere near stable; in my opinion she lives in perpetual chaos and she dragged me into it.  What was it like, in a nutshell?

[peacebaby]

Whoa.  12 years and you've been around here for 5.  I can't imagine.  My relationship was much shorter than that, and had we been together a few more months one of us would be dead, I have no doubt.

I'm curious: there must have been long stretches in the 12 years where things were kinda status quo and somewhat stable?  I haven't read your older posts but we never got anywhere near stable; in my opinion she lives in perpetual chaos and she dragged me into it.  What was it like, in a nutshell?

There is no nutshell for 12 years with anyone, especially someone with BPD. Yes, we had lots of wonderful, non-chaotic times. Let me know if you have a more specific question.

[fromheeltoheal]

There is no nutshell for 12 years with anyone, especially someone with BPD. Yes, we had lots of wonderful, non-chaotic times. Let me know if you have a more specific question.

Thanks!  Were there times when your borderline's emotions were somewhat in check and things were relatively mellow?  Mine couldn't go a day without at least one rageful outburst, and instantaneous 180 degree mood swings were the norm.  At first I thought I could affect it with my behavior, but turns out that didn't matter, whatever was going on for her was going on for her.

[peacebaby]

There is no nutshell for 12 years with anyone, especially someone with BPD. Yes, we had lots of wonderful, non-chaotic times. Let me know if you have a more specific question.

Thanks!  Were there times when your borderline's emotions were somewhat in check and things were relatively mellow?  Mine couldn't go a day without at least one rageful outburst, and instantaneous 180 degree mood swings were the norm.  At first I thought I could affect it with my behavior, but turns out that didn't matter, whatever was going on for her was going on for her.

Just for the record, I don't have a borderline, I have a partner with borderline personality disorder. Who is moving out tomorrow and I am feeling kinda emotional tonight.

Yes, there were millions of great times, and literally months where things were smooth. We started off as friends, then a two year honeymoon period, and then things went crazy. On and off. She's always known she was crazy so I think that makes a difference. If only I had learned earlier that nothing I did was going to help all that much.

[fromheeltoheal]

Just for the record, I don't have a borderline, I have a partner with borderline personality disorder. Who is moving out tomorrow and I am feeling kinda emotional tonight.

You're right, I don't mean to be insensitive, and realize you're still in the middle of it with your partner with BPD.  My relationship was much shorter, and the way I see it I was dating a disorder and a beautiful woman peeked her head out of it once in a while, and it helps me depersonalize it.  I Hope things go as smoothly as they can and good luck!

[peacebaby]

Just for the record, I don't have a borderline, I have a partner with borderline personality disorder. Who is moving out tomorrow and I am feeling kinda emotional tonight.

You're right, I don't mean to be insensitive, and realize you're still in the middle of it with your partner with BPD.  My relationship was much shorter, and the way I see it I was dating a disorder and a beautiful woman peeked her head out of it once in a while, and it helps me depersonalize it.  I Hope things go as smoothly as they can and good luck!

It's cool. The whirlwind BPD relationships and the long-term ones are two whole different kettles of fish, just with the same kind of fish in them.

With my partner, I've see the actual healthy her so many times that it's been easy to forget she's mentally ill for long periods of time.

And TONS of people around here say "my BPD" it just always bugs me.