Personal Backslide after Comments by Mom

[Phoenix09]

Just over a year ago, I was living on this board after my undiagnosed BPD mother and sister all but destroyed my wedding.  Long story short - the day before my wedding my sister showed up at my house to tell me that she would not be coming to my wedding and she advised my mother to do the same because she felt that we were treating my husband's family better than my own family.  His family flew in from another state and spent a week helping us prepare for our backyard wedding.  My mother was asked to bring a coffee pot to a picnic the day before and could not even manage that!  But I was the one that was behaving poorly.

They did show up at the wedding and my sister got so drunk that she had to be carried away.  My mother and sister said that it was my fault that she got that drunk.  We had a little moonshine in a bottle that plenty of folks were sipping from without any problem but that's what caused my sister to behave as she did.  All my fault.

Anyway - I've spent a year working on me.  Mom and sis live less than 5 miles from me and I love my father and nieces dearly so I have not gone NC.  I do withdraw every so often when things get bad - I let calls go to voice mail and avoid contact until drama settles down.  It gets exhausting at times but I refuse to give up my relationships with other family members because of these two.

The other issue in all this is that my BIL is a serious drug addict.  My sister refuses to kick him out of the house even though her three teenage daughters have begged her to get rid of him.  The middle one openly talks to people about hoping that her father gets hit by a truck or arrested or some other tragedy so that he gets out of the house.  My sister says she's being a teenager!  That is why I refuse to walk away and go NC - I will not turn my back on these girls.

Anyway, I thought I had settled into a pattern of behavior with my family that I could live with.  I get no contact from M until Sis has drama and then I get the phone call.  I listen, say that I feel for them and then refuse to put any money into the situation (every call is about asking for money).  In between we have some generic conversations where we check in and talk about the weather but no true interaction.  She wasn't attacking so I was learning to be content with that.  Lately though, the situation with my sis and hubby has been rapidly escalating so the attacks on me have started escalating as well.

M has been slipping comments into our conversations about how weak I am, how she was so much harder on my sis growing up because she knew that I couldn't handle it.  Yesterday when I was talking to M about some household projects that I was thinking about taking on - she comments that my sis would take it on and do it but I was always intimidated by tasks and afraid of doing things.  I have a Masters Degree, my sis went to college for 6 weeks.  I traveled out West alone, went to Alaska alone, hiked and backpacked solo trips.  Out of college I went after a prestigious internship that she was sure I wouldn't get but I did.  She told me that someone pulled strings for me.

I thought I had put my wall back up.  I thought I had shut her voice out and made so much progress on believing in my own value and not caring about what she thought.  I've worked so hard on convincing myself that my M's opinion of me was not going to define me.  I accepted that it meant something to me and admitted that I was disappointed by it but I would not let it get me down.  And yes, I did work with a therapist for a bit but most of this was done on my own.  The therapists was so dumbfounded by family's actions that she kept suggesting NC. 

Somehow though, she managed to strike a nerve.  I don't know how she does - I guess I've never given her enough credit for how well she can read people but she got to me.  Her words keep ringing in my head... ."you're weak". 

My guess is that she is doing this so that I will cave and give her the perfect holiday season she is hoping for.  Now that I think about it - all of this behavior started just as discussion of Thanksgiving dinner began.  I refuse to sit at a table with my BIL.  He has bled this family financially and emotionally dry with his behavior and I will not sit across a table from him and play nice.  He is not invited into our home (my parents have had the police involved twice because of breaking into their home) and I will not go to Sis's home.  Mom has decided that she is hosting dinner and the invite that I got via phone call "come, don't come - I don't really care but it's a 4:00 if you decide to join us".  The other piece of info... .M and Sis will be doing all the cooking despite that fact that H is a professional chef.  He makes the food too fancy for them.

The holiday stuff I'll deal with.  I do it every year but how can I get her voice out of my head?  I'm so mad at myself for letting her back in.  I want to strike back at her but I know that will only backfire.  I thought of writing her a note telling her how much she hurt me with her comments but I worry that she will take too much pleasure in reading it.  Not pleasure in hurting me but she will fly into a full-fledged martyr routine of how she knows how horrible she has been but she's tried her best and I just can't let go of the past.  I can't even get her to understand that I'm not talking about being hurt in my childhood.  I'm talking about 2 days ago you told me that I was weak and worthless.  I hate having to let this roll of my back and just pull myself up by the bootstraps while playing nicey-nice with M.  I want to hurt her like she hurt me but I know that is not going to accomplish anything.  I want to go back to feeling like an empowered adult and not the little child looking for mommy's approval.  And yet those words keeping ringing in my ears?  Any suggestions on how to silence them?

Thanks for listening.  I wish there was a support group nearby where I could talk live to someone that understands.  I hate thinking of my mother as such an evil person.

[WiseMind]

Hi Phoenix09 

So sorry for the drama going on and the hurtful comments by your mom. I think writing her a note is a good idea, but perhaps do only that - write it, don't send it. I'm not sure it would do any good but getting it out of your head is very theraputic. Other advice would be to seek out a new therapist for a sounding board and limit your contact with your mom. I hope this helps - remember that she can't make you feel anything, you are responsible for your feelings. You are worth it and special and deserve to be treated nicely. 

-WM

[ursulajane]

Hello and thanks for the post.  I joined this site a few months ago and don't come to it as often as I should as it is so very helpful.

I read posts such as yours and don't know whether to cry or laugh.  Cry because such pain has been inflicted for no reason and laugh because it truly is ridiculous how these BPD relatives can escalate emotions for no valid reason.

I am not in a position to have NC or even limited contact with my uBPD mother as she is elderly and lives with my husband and me but I am working daily on keeping the best distance I can.   I can have a couple "good" weeks when we can have short conversations and be amicable - but always waiting for the next zinger.  Within minutes it can be a raging fight - her telling me I'm not like I used to be, I am inconsiderate and not compassionate, etc. etc. - and maybe only because I don't say good morning to her or agree with one of her ridiculous comments about something. (Although if I agree too often she tells me I don't need to be such a goody 2 shoes and it's good to have a disagreement now and then!) I am the only daughter who has ALWAYS been there for her and she has even said to me "what have you ever done for me?"  The sharp comments from a woman you have been trying to please all your life are cutting and they cut deep.

Forgive yourself for letting her comments get to you.  I think we wouldn't be human if they didn't hurt us.  However, it sounds like you have a good awareness of all you have accomplished.  It also sounds like your mother may be envious that you are successful and maybe she can't relate.  I know in my family I was the successful child - got my Master's, traveled cross-country - always able to stand on my own 2 feet - and my mother who is VERY anxious and once quit a job because she lost her temper when she got too hungry! can't relate.   Do you think she realizes you no longer need her and the only way she can pull you back in is to hurt you? 

I agree with the writing a letter and not sending it.  I also have found it helpful to write a list of  my attributes and accomplishments.  I even at one time wrote all the statements she made to me during my life that I believed and then examples of how untrue they were.  I heard "you'll never have friends."  "Who would want to marry you if you act that way?" (I was usually just standing up to her).  Well I have lived in states all over this country and have many long-lasting friendships and had to not invite people to our wedding because there wasn't enough room.  My mother is wrong and immature and sounds like yours is too. 

When you let her get to you again it just means there is still room for personal growth.  Acknowledge the pain she has caused and look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself how valued you are.  I like the analogy of how a diamond is formed.  It starts with a piece of coal which many feel isn't very valuable and it is only by withstanding years and years of pressure that it finally becomes a beautiful highly valued diamond.  Looks like you are adding another carat to your life.  Stay strong!  Keep on keeping on... .uruslajane

[cheerio99]

Just over a year ago, I was living on this board after my undiagnosed BPD mother and sister all but destroyed my wedding.  Long story short - the day before my wedding my sister showed up at my house to tell me that she would not be coming to my wedding and she advised my mother to do the same because she felt that we were treating my husband's family better than my own family.  His family flew in from another state and spent a week helping us prepare for our backyard wedding.  My mother was asked to bring a coffee pot to a picnic the day before and could not even manage that!  But I was the one that was behaving poorly.

They did show up at the wedding and my sister got so drunk that she had to be carried away.  My mother and sister said that it was my fault that she got that drunk.  We had a little moonshine in a bottle that plenty of folks were sipping from without any problem but that's what caused my sister to behave as she did.  All my fault.

Anyway - I've spent a year working on me.  Mom and sis live less than 5 miles from me and I love my father and nieces dearly so I have not gone NC.  I do withdraw every so often when things get bad - I let calls go to voice mail and avoid contact until drama settles down.  It gets exhausting at times but I refuse to give up my relationships with other family members because of these two.

The other issue in all this is that my BIL is a serious drug addict.  My sister refuses to kick him out of the house even though her three teenage daughters have begged her to get rid of him.  The middle one openly talks to people about hoping that her father gets hit by a truck or arrested or some other tragedy so that he gets out of the house.  My sister says she's being a teenager!  That is why I refuse to walk away and go NC - I will not turn my back on these girls.

Anyway, I thought I had settled into a pattern of behavior with my family that I could live with.  I get no contact from M until Sis has drama and then I get the phone call.  I listen, say that I feel for them and then refuse to put any money into the situation (every call is about asking for money).  In between we have some generic conversations where we check in and talk about the weather but no true interaction.  She wasn't attacking so I was learning to be content with that.  Lately though, the situation with my sis and hubby has been rapidly escalating so the attacks on me have started escalating as well.

M has been slipping comments into our conversations about how weak I am, how she was so much harder on my sis growing up because she knew that I couldn't handle it.  Yesterday when I was talking to M about some household projects that I was thinking about taking on - she comments that my sis would take it on and do it but I was always intimidated by tasks and afraid of doing things.  I have a Masters Degree, my sis went to college for 6 weeks.  I traveled out West alone, went to Alaska alone, hiked and backpacked solo trips.  Out of college I went after a prestigious internship that she was sure I wouldn't get but I did.  She told me that someone pulled strings for me.

I thought I had put my wall back up.  I thought I had shut her voice out and made so much progress on believing in my own value and not caring about what she thought.  I've worked so hard on convincing myself that my M's opinion of me was not going to define me.  I accepted that it meant something to me and admitted that I was disappointed by it but I would not let it get me down.  And yes, I did work with a therapist for a bit but most of this was done on my own.  The therapists was so dumbfounded by family's actions that she kept suggesting NC. 

Somehow though, she managed to strike a nerve.  I don't know how she does - I guess I've never given her enough credit for how well she can read people but she got to me.  Her words keep ringing in my head... ."you're weak". 

My guess is that she is doing this so that I will cave and give her the perfect holiday season she is hoping for.  Now that I think about it - all of this behavior started just as discussion of Thanksgiving dinner began.  I refuse to sit at a table with my BIL.  He has bled this family financially and emotionally dry with his behavior and I will not sit across a table from him and play nice.  He is not invited into our home (my parents have had the police involved twice because of breaking into their home) and I will not go to Sis's home.  Mom has decided that she is hosting dinner and the invite that I got via phone call "come, don't come - I don't really care but it's a 4:00 if you decide to join us".  The other piece of info... .M and Sis will be doing all the cooking despite that fact that H is a professional chef.  He makes the food too fancy for them.

The holiday stuff I'll deal with.  I do it every year but how can I get her voice out of my head?  I'm so mad at myself for letting her back in.  I want to strike back at her but I know that will only backfire.  I thought of writing her a note telling her how much she hurt me with her comments but I worry that she will take too much pleasure in reading it.  Not pleasure in hurting me but she will fly into a full-fledged martyr routine of how she knows how horrible she has been but she's tried her best and I just can't let go of the past.  I can't even get her to understand that I'm not talking about being hurt in my childhood.  I'm talking about 2 days ago you told me that I was weak and worthless.  I hate having to let this roll of my back and just pull myself up by the bootstraps while playing nicey-nice with M.  I want to hurt her like she hurt me but I know that is not going to accomplish anything.  I want to go back to feeling like an empowered adult and not the little child looking for mommy's approval.  And yet those words keeping ringing in my ears?  Any suggestions on how to silence them?

Thanks for listening.  I wish there was a support group nearby where I could talk live to someone that understands.  I hate thinking of my mother as such an evil person.

I've found that progress moves like a wave -- sometimes we surge forward, and sometimes we recede a little bit, but we have to look at the over-all trajectory, not the ebbs and flows. The thing with mothers especially is that she was the first person to tell you who you are. She probably actually gave you your name. So criticism from her, especially vague, character-focused criticism that's not designed to be constructive, is going to hurt more than from another person.

But your mom can't help but act the way she does. It's a mental illness--it actually has nothing to do with you, and it won't respond to reason. If you were drunk in an alley somewhere she wouldn't complain about you more, and if you were queen of England she wouldn't complain about you less. The amount she tries to tear you down correlates with her level of emotional turmoil, not with your life. She's calling you weak because she feels out of control emotionally (perhaps she's the one feeling weak), and not because of anything about you. That's why there's no convincing her that she's wrong about you -- her criticism never had anything to do with you in the first place.

Personally, I don't see anything wrong with letting calls go to voicemail and so forth as long as she's on bad behavior. Even if you have other family members that you want to protect, you've gotta secure your own oxygen mask first, you know?

[Bonus mom]

Hi Phoenix,

So glad you were able to get all that off your chest!   

Something that struck me in what you wrote was about hating to have to let this all roll off your back.  And I'm going to say something you might find strange - who said you had to let it all roll?  Who said you weren't allowed to be hurt? Who said that you were supposed to take anyone's insults?  Who said you had to suck it up?

Now, here's another way to look at it: someone has insulted you.  Acknowledge it.  Feel the hurt.  Don't try to run from it, don't try to be the "bigger person" and pretend that you can take it.  Don't fight off the anger and embarrassment you feel.  Just let it happen. Cry if you need to, but just let the feelings happen. 

What you will find if you just allow the feelings to happen is that a) it won't kill you and b) it passes. Quickly. I know it sounds counter-intuitive, but I promise it's true!

Putting our own feelings aside is NOT accepting a situation.  This is often confused for acceptance, but actually it is denial of just how crappy something is making us feel and we don't want to feel it. Acceptance is acknowledging fully all the pieces of a situation, no matter how ugly. You might be thinking:

-My mom said I'm weak

-That hurt me to my core

-I doubt my strength now, am I weak? Is she right?

-I'm angry that I doubt myself

-Why doesn't she love me?

-My heart hurts that she hurts me so easily

-I hate feeling this way

-Now I'm complaining and I am embarrassed. How did I fall into this trap?

Is there anything wrong with thinking or feeling any of the above? Of course not. They are legitimate thoughts and feelings.  The key is to accept them and then move on.  Accept, not deny. 

I thought I had put my wall back up.  I thought I had shut her voice out and made so much progress on believing in my own value and not caring about what she thought.  I've worked so hard on convincing myself that my M's opinion of me was not going to define me.  I accepted that it meant something to me and admitted that I was disappointed by it but I would not let it get me down. 

You've done a great job already! You've learned some great skills, learned your boundaries.  Now learn how to be kinder to yourself!    Just because you've been hurt by this recent contact doesn't make you a failure!  Someone has just slapped you in the face, so naturally it's going to sting.  You wouldn't be human if it didn't.  Where your skills come in, is in how you are able to acknowledge, accept and keep moving on after the slap happens.

Cheerio nails this for all of us with BPD moms:

If you were drunk in an alley somewhere she wouldn't complain about you more, and if you were queen of England she wouldn't complain about you less. The amount she tries to tear you down correlates with her level of emotional turmoil, not with your life. She's calling you weak because she feels out of control emotionally (perhaps she's the one feeling weak), and not because of anything about you. That's why there's no convincing her that she's wrong about you -- her criticism never had anything to do with you in the first place.

Wishing you well, you're doing a great job so far!