How do we deal with lying?

[Ryyder]

Welcome to bpdfamily eatonsangel. I'm sorry we meet here, under these circumstances. 

We are definately not alone, so many of us here have similar stories, which in a way is actually helpful. When you've been here a while you might start to see a pattern, as I have done, and start to realise BPD is a pretty awful illness and our partners are going through their own private hell, 24/7. It makes it easier to understand why they behave as they do and not to take it so personally.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[123Phoebe]

I checked his phone.

I can usually tell when he's hiding something because he goes all weird about his phone; that sets my alarm bells off so I check what's going on and every time I have found something, either via his phone or the internet.

Ooo, the slippery slope of spying... .

I felt justified in spying on my guy, too.  I mean, he was making me feel suspicious after all... .  I didn't want to be a person who resorted to things like this though.  I had to learn to trust my gut and figure out, for myself, what was going on inside of me to warrant spying? 

Found out a whole lot!  I was expecting him to be someone he isn't.  And I have no control over that no matter how many times I dig deeper into his behavior, i.e., spy.  I have to protect myself from feeling awful, while accepting that he is who he is.

That meant, stepping back to get a better feel for what was going on while keeping my best interest at heart. 

It meant detaching.

Then I get to decide if the relationship he's offering is enough for me to continue on... .And in what capacity... .

[Ryyder]

I'm finding it almost impossible to focus on my own issues/needs and stop trying to fix/change him.

I know I need to do this but don't. I need to work out why I abandon myself this way.

He, at present, isn't capable of not lying to me, I know this and yet I am still so attached to getting him to stop lying to me. I can't change him. I don't think he can change himself either.

I feel like my only option is to leave him and that isn't something I want to do so I stay and moan and nag and cry.

[waverider]

I'm finding it almost impossible to focus on my own issues/needs and stop trying to fix/change him.

I know I need to do this but don't. I need to work out why I abandon myself this way.

He, at present, isn't capable of not lying to me, I know this and yet I am still so attached to getting him to stop lying to me. I can't change him. I don't think he can change himself either.

I feel like my only option is to leave him and that isn't something I want to do so I stay and moan and nag and cry.

You are living by default you are not choosing your life. Choosing not to spy is the first step. Suspicion is a codependent disorder associated with dishonesty. Choosing not to spy is the same as choosing to disengage from behavior that ultimately solves nothing and makes you feel worse.

Easier to say than do I know. It is one of the first steps you are taught in Alanon to deal with living with an addict. Anyone who has lived with an alcoholic has gone through the counting bottles stage. Life got easier when they stopped. This is the same. The more you spy the more it is covered up. Spying becomes an opening for projection, as now they can legitimately say they can't trust you.

[Ryyder]

You are living by default you are not choosing your life. Choosing not to spy is the first step. Suspicion is a codependent disorder associated with dishonesty. Choosing not to spy is the same as choosing to disengage from behavior that ultimately solves nothing and makes you feel worse.

Easier to say than do I know. It is one of the first steps you are taught in Alanon to deal with living with an addict. Anyone who has lived with an alcoholic has gone through the counting bottles stage. Life got easier when they stopped. This is the same. The more you spy the more it is covered up. Spying becomes an opening for projection, as now they can legitimately say they can't trust you.

Hahahah, just as I read your reply your avatar waved at me and pointed to your tag !

I know I'm the one who needs to change, it's doing it that's the problem.

[Ryyder]

so, I've been trying to get my head around boundaries and found this statement “If you (behavior), I’ll share my feelings with you. If you continue, I’ll (action) to take care of myself.”

Firstly, I don't like the sentence "I’ll share my feelings with you", it sounds wishy washy and I don't understand it's purpose; what could it be replaced with?

Secondly, how would I apply this specifically to when I've caught him lying to me again?

[123Phoebe]

so, I've been trying to get my head around boundaries and found this statement “If you (behavior), I’ll share my feelings with you. If you continue, I’ll (action) to take care of myself.”

Firstly, I don't like the sentence "I’ll share my feelings with you", it sounds wishy washy and I don't understand it's purpose; what could it be replaced with?

Secondly, how would I apply this specifically to when I've caught him lying to me again?

I took the boundary sentence you quoted and applied it more to my own internal thought processes ... .

So applying it to your situation, I might say this to myself:

Jeez, he's sometime seeing this other woman.  I feel blechy about this.  I don't like it one bit.  Is he with her now?  I've resorted to spying on him, checking through his phone then calling him out on it.  He lies about it.  This situation leaves me feeling out of control.  How can I regain control of my emotions?



By being aware of your boundaries!  Your values.  What matters most to you

Then being able to share all of this with him in a non-confrontational way

I hope it doesn't come down to this for you, but I had to be willing to leave the relationship for there to be any kind of serious change.  I had finally had enough and knew I had to get my mojo back, with or without him in my life  I spoke honestly from my heart.  MY heart, that I wasn't happy with this arrangement. That what I want in life matters and I'm going for it.  I'd love for him to be a part of it.  I'll also be fine on my own... . And I meant it.  I still mean it. I've detached from some of the silly stuff, some of the moods and oddball things he says and does once in a while... . The heart of our relationship is pure. I accept that he has a disorder.  I accept him.

Are you really okay with him seeing this other woman?  It's okay if you aren't.  It's okay if you are.  It's up to you to figure all of that out.  If you're staying with him, knowing that he does this sort of thing, telling him that you can understand why he does it-- Does it make sense to check up on him then get mad when he lies about it?

Is it really the lies that you're upset about?