What purpose would an in-person apology serve?

[Tourmaline]

Over the past few days, I have been wanted some kind of satisfying closure for this r/s. I decided that I want my ex lover to look me in the eyes and offer me a sincere apology for all the lies he told me.

I need to keep reminding myself that requesting an in-person apology is an exercise in futility. He has stated in an e-mail that he was a complete and utter a__ to me. I need to let go and move on. It is so hard to reconcile the intense expressions of his feelings to me before with his current coldness.

[Bananas]

Tourmaline,

I think this is something many if not all of us on L3 wants.  But I don't think our exes are capable of a sincere apology.  Not because they don't want to, because they can't.  It is like me expecting my dogs to speak Chinese.  It took me awhile to accept this.  The more I learned about PDs the more I accepted it wasn't going to happen.

It is so hard to reconcile the intense expressions of his feelings to me before with his current coldness.

This is the most difficult thing for me.  The thing that keeps me stuck.  Here I am 8 months out and I still am working on this.  Cognitive Dissonance.  Here is a thread about it:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=208270.msg12303625#msg12303625

[WhatTheFrank]

I thought my ex and I had closure, we both apologized to eachother, cried in eachothers' arms, said we would be friends (ha!).  Three days later the blame and fingerpointing started, due to me not responding to a text that was an obvious fight-bait.  Danged if I did or didn't.

[Waifed]

Over the past few days, I have been wanted some kind of satisfying closure for this r/s. I decided that I want my ex lover to look me in the eyes and offer me a sincere apology for all the lies he told me.

I need to keep reminding myself that requesting an in-person apology is an exercise in futility. He has stated in an e-mail that he was a complete and utter a__ to me. I need to let go and move on. It is so hard to reconcile the intense expressions of his feelings to me before with his current coldness.

I wouldn't count on any closure.  If you do receive some sort of half-assed attempt at closure it is likely something they are mimicking from something they have heard in a movie or read in a book.  My closure has come through reading other peoples experiences on this board.  You will slowly over time remember all of the craziness of the relationship.  You will remember the hurtful things that were said and the hidden manipulations and actions/non-actions meant to take control of you.  It takes time for your mind to shake it all out.  You go through the grieving stages and eventually realize that the only closure you need is going to come from within yourself.  These people are self absorbed and it is ultimately about survival for them.  They will always hurt the ones that get to close to them.  It is not nor will it ever be your fault.  Write this down and remember it.  We fell victim to a predator who is in search of a love that will ultimately escape them every time.  It is kind of like a dog that runs in circles chasing their tails.  We get off easy with just a lot of dizziness.  They continue the insanity for their entire lives believing it is everyone else's fault...  :)id we allow this to happen?  Sure we did and that is our fault.  I pity them and am disgusted by them all in the same breath.  Mental illness or not, their behavior is inappropriate and open forgiveness does nothing but feed their egos.  I believe you forgive them for yourselves, but I don't believe they deserve the pleasure of hearing it.

You are correct.  Asking for an apology is an exercise in futility.  They don't care about us.  It is all about feeding their need to be "loved".  

[Learning_curve74]

Hi Tourmaline, I just replied to your intro post, and here your post on the leaving board is at the top of the list... .synchronicity.

I know you want him to face up to you and apologize. Most people would appreciate that. The only problem is that a pwBPD is neither dependable nor like most people.

It turns out that he could never really give you what you wanted and it's unlikely that he he will be able to now even if all you want is a sincere apology in person.

Life isn't fair. I'm sorry that this is one of those times that it is painfully evident.