Got some info about him...

[Lady31]

I have been staying NC and have been very careful to learn NOTHING about my exh.  However, some things are unavoidable as I do still have a relationship with his daughter (who is 18 & in the Army so out of house) as well as the fact that we had a business together, so a few things have come up.

Here recently I filled in at my parents' company for a day to help out because the office manager needed a day off.  While there, one of their employees informed that my exh "stood him up" for their CE class.  (We use to work in my parents' company before getting married and opening one in the same industry in another area.)  Anyway - this employee and my exh would still do their CE together every year as they had to do it at the same time frame.  Long story short - it was the weekend before halloween.  Friday night (the night before their class), my exh got arrested for public intoxication (he's 40?) and therefore was detained and unable to make it the class in time.  As a result, he was unable to get his CE done in time (always waits until the last minute) and so his MASTER LIC. expired that is necessary for him to be up and operational.  (Which I am sure he is still operating.)  Seriously - so unstable and out of control.

Then I get an email today about a credit card processor we used in the business before the divorce.  Apparently it had gone to collections because their fees weren't paid!  HUH?  I had to call and be sure that I wasn't on the account anymore because I got a call on ANOTHER account a month ago that they still had me tied to for some reason.  Long story short, I was NOT - thank goodness - they just had my contact info and they were doing whatever needed to collect the debt I guess.  It was for $36!  ? (Note: NEVER did this happen while I was married to him and handling everything.)

Overall, I am just getting this out I guess.  All these things make me think of him and feel sad.  I think too that the more I have been coming out of the FOG and not feeling "bad" for him, the more I am feeling upset over the fact that he successfully manipulated me into just handing the business over to him.  (That I financed, set up and ran! He would have had no CLUE how to do this nor the means.)  UGH.  I know realistically that I can (and will) just open a new company and it will all work out - it's just that it sickens me that:

- I helped him get where he is.  I set him up with that company (mind you - he worked his butt off too - but if not for me he would still be an employee working for my father!)

- I helped him get his daughter raised that had to come to live with him right at the time we got married.  He had NO relationship with her up until that point (SUPPOSEDLY never knew she existed but I later found out that was a load of crap).  She was 12 and her mom went off the deep end with drugs again.  He needed me (or someone) to be there with her at home, take her to school, be her emotional support, run her everywhere needed, help with homework.  This kid barely passed the 6 grade.  When she came to live with us I worked with her constantly and she ended up with mostly A's, a few B's and graduating from the Collegiate Program. (Where she took all her junior and senior classes at the local college earning her Associates by the time she graduated High School.)

- Not to mention all the tireless support and help as his wife.  Loving him, trying to help him keep it together, running our household as the "good wife."

Then - after business took off and started making real money and his daughter graduated high school (and he pushed her into the Army so he wouldn't have to worry about taking care of her I believe) - he was ready to finally follow through with the divorce he constantly threatened me with from the FIRST FEW MONTHS of our marriage.  (No exaggeration.)

I know I am responsible for myself - so I can only blame him so far.  I stayed - I was also locked in MAJORLY financially with the business tie and then his daughter after bonding with her.

I guess these things make me think of him and I am PISSED at myself for letting him just have everything!  I think - you B*ST*RD - if it wasn't for me you would NOT be where you are today.  And then he made it so horrible at the end, that I was afraid of what he would do if I didn't give him what he wanted.

He, of course, did not think I deserved anything from the business.  He would swing back and forth between fear tactics and manipulation to feel sorry about him and how it was going to be hard for him to do things on his own and he would probably fail.

UGH! REALLY?  Well - it's YOUR fault we are in this position in the first place.  You are the one who wants to throw your family away and your wife now that it doesn't serve you, but you want ME TO GET NOTHING to make it easier on you to have what you want and hopefully you will be successful since you won't have any obligation to pay me anything?

Sorry for the rant.  This in itself makes me SICK.  I busted my butt, and basically just walked away and gave him what he wanted. 

Part of me wants him to fail MISERABLY.  I struggle with that as I am a Christian and know that is not right.  Then the other side of me feels sorry for him. 

Then I think - wait, that's RIGHT.  You are not supposed to be able to treat people like crap and use them up and discard your wife, not to mention all the extreme abuse - and walk away blessed high on the hog.  That is NOT right.  Nor is it WRONG for me to expect him to be accountable.

This wasn't just something he did wrong.  This was a lifestyle of choices. 

[Learning_curve74]

This wasn't just something he did wrong.  This was a lifestyle of choices. 

Yup. Your ex sounds like he's 40 years old perpetually going on 14. 

There has been research that people and primates seem to have an innate sense of fairness. That when something is unfair we have an averse reaction to it. So you certainly have a right to be angry.

I've been trying my best not to see or hear anything about my exBPDgf either. I hate it when people bring her up or tell me about her. Sometimes I'm okay but usually it makes me want to scream, and I hate that. 

I'm curious, how close are you with the daughter? Does she understand her dad is crazy making? I met a few good friends through my exBPDgf, so beyond learning more about myself I also treasure these friends, so it was not all negative.

Even with the "silver linings" sometimes I feel like breaking things with a baseball bat. I might just hit up the thrift store for some cheap things and do that. 

[Lady31]

Learning,

Thanks for your response!  LMBO regarding the baseball bat and a little thrift store shopping.  I need to try that out.  I have a feeling if I grabbed my gun & targets to go shoot off some steam I might make my family nervous.  Lol.  Then again, they might start clapping.  JOKE - don't flag me.

Anyways - my step daughter and I are really close.  She lived with us about 5 years after here mom relapsed.  Her mom stayed strung out on drugs that entire time (and still is) and naturally it had seriously done some damage to my SD.  She saw her dad going crazy many times.  I thought about distancing myself from her, but I just can't do that - nor do I want to.  I told her not to tell me anything about her dad that would be upsetting and she doesn't.  However, when I ask when she will have leave to come home I hear things like, ":)ad said he would come get me on the XXth" or "Yeah, my car is still messed up.  Dad said he might give me his truck and just buy him something else for himself."  (CRAP!  Can't afford to pay me anything huh?  Then I do feel a LITTLE guilt as when it is something regarding her my heart is a little different about it.)

Anyway - so nothing really "bad", but still hear about him or have that reminder of him.  I guess those with children together have this issue and it's much harder before they are grown as they have to have more involved contact with the ex.  My heart goes out to you guys!

I think she knows her dad is out there.  She has seen him go crazy MANY times.  Also was well aware of the constant roller coaster of his emotions from happy, funny, seriously depressed, extremely angry, raging, abusive, happy, "Mr. Honor & Integrity".  She was also very nervous and on edge living in that house.  I think she is much like I was - in the FOG.  Has no understanding of what was going on.  Also "forgets" the severity of what has happened.  I don't know that it is my place to tell her these things about her father.  Perhaps in the future as she gets older if she confides in me regarding the craziness or in ways it is still effecting her life - I would share more then.  Only from a place I felt like it would help HER - and not to bash her father.

[Waifed]

Sorry to hear this Lady.  Any news is sometimes bad news.  Just seeing your SD has to bring back memories.  Try not to think about it too much.  I can tell by your other posts that you are a strong woman and will keep pushing forward. 

[ShadowDancer]

The poor poor children of these people. Oh my... .you think WE got it bad. Imagine if lady had NOT been there for this now young woman. I see the deep empathy and integrity of the Lady 31 relationship standards demonstrated by her actions which we all know are so much more important and lasting than mere words. Some we win and some we lose but in this case business issues or no, the Lady is a winner.

P.S. Ex will be out of his business situation and on his ass "soon enough". Bank on it!