New and Having a Rough Time with BPD Mom

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi Everyone, I am so glad to have found this site.

I am an adult child of a mother with BPD. Actually, she's never been officially diagnosed because she's always refused to see a professional, but my therapists over the years have suggested this to me and upon some research I've come to the conclusion that they're probably right. I have been battling an eating disorder for a long time, and now I'm learning it's most likely the result of the poor coping skills I used due to the unhealthy relationship with my mother.

Anyway, I had a huge fight with my mother last week about Thanksgiving. She is more often than not disappointed in some way by our visits, usually because she feels like I don't spend enough time with her. She doesn't even always have to express it, although she often does (and then conveniently forgets that any of these incidents ever happened). I just know when she is disappointed. I have been trained very well. As a result, my visits to my hometown are usually really stressful for me even weeks beforehand. The last visit was a minor disaster and took months for me to get over. After last week's fight, I have tried to maintain a little distance, but my mother always senses this and does anything in her power to get my attention. She keeps texting me desperately trying to sound casual, not at all acknowledging that we had a fight, but clearly trying to make sure I'm not so mad at her that she'll lose me. This was all upsetting enough, but today I had a conversation with my brother, who I actually have a really good relationship with generally. He told me that my not talking to my mother was tearing her apart and making his life difficult because she was putting him in the middle. I told him that her feelings and that his choice to take the problem on was not my problem or my fault, that I had a right to protect myself from this unhealthy dynamic, and while he said he understood, he kept suggesting that my mom and I go to a therapist to talk it out. He just doesn't understand-- he doesn't get the history, he doesn't get the unspoken rules of this mother-daughter relationship and he doesn't understand that even a crystal clear explanation goes nowhere with my mother who will just become defensive and tell me that these problems don't exist, that they're just my "issues". I know all of these things logically, but I still feel devastated by the guilt of making her unhappy. I know that everyone's objecting because I'm trying not to play my family role of being the selfless caretaker, and that I can never really make her happy, but the guilt is still overwhelming even though I know logically that I'm doing the right thing.

[bluemermaid84]

Hi Everyone, I am so glad to have found this site.

I am an adult child of a mother with BPD. Actually, she's never been officially diagnosed because she's always refused to see a professional, but my therapists over the years have suggested this to me and upon some research I've come to the conclusion that they're probably right. I have been battling an eating disorder for a long time, and now I'm learning it's most likely the result of the poor coping skills I used due to the unhealthy relationship with my mother.

Anyway, I had a huge fight with my mother last week about Thanksgiving. She is more often than not disappointed in some way by our visits, usually because she feels like I don't spend enough time with her. She doesn't even always have to express it, although she often does (and then conveniently forgets that any of these incidents ever happened). I just know when she is disappointed. I have been trained very well. As a result, my visits to my hometown are usually really stressful for me even weeks beforehand. The last visit was a minor disaster and took months for me to get over. After last week's fight, I have tried to maintain a little distance, but my mother always senses this and does anything in her power to get my attention. She keeps texting me desperately trying to sound casual, not at all acknowledging that we had a fight, but clearly trying to make sure I'm not so mad at her that she'll lose me. This was all upsetting enough, but today I had a conversation with my brother, who I actually have a really good relationship with generally. He told me that my not talking to my mother was tearing her apart and making his life difficult because she was putting him in the middle. I told him that her feelings and that his choice to take the problem on was not my problem or my fault, that I had a right to protect myself from this unhealthy dynamic, and while he said he understood, he kept suggesting that my mom and I go to a therapist to talk it out. He just doesn't understand-- he doesn't get the history, he doesn't get the unspoken rules of this mother-daughter relationship and he doesn't understand that even a crystal clear explanation goes nowhere with my mother who will just become defensive and tell me that these problems don't exist, that they're just my "issues". I know all of these things logically, but I still feel devastated by the guilt of making her unhappy. I know that everyone's objecting because I'm trying not to play my family role of being the selfless caretaker, and that I can never really make her happy, but the guilt is still overwhelming even though I know logically that I'm doing the right thing.

[Clearmind]

Hi BM and welcome.

So very common what you are experiencing. If anyone, family included is not treating you well you have every right to distance yourself. Its the guilt we need to take care of.

As kids we are accustomed to doing what our BPD irrational parent wants us to do. As an adult we don't need to. Your bro grew up in the same house as you BM, consider talking this out with someone else who is not guilt ridden. Your bro will always try and calm rough waters - my brother does the same. You both have guilt.

YOu are not making her unhappy - you are in fact enabling bad behaviour though which does not help you or her. Going silent doesn't always help either.

By text

Mom: Bluemermaid, I am so sick of you ignoring me. If you don't text back or contact me I will never talk to you again.

Bluemermaid: Mom, what you do is your responsibility. I need some space and we need to have some ground rules on contact. I have a family too to take care of. Are you open to talk about some ground rules?

Boundaries need to be set and you need to stick to them. If you have kids you will understand how important it is to be consistent.

Have you considered seeing a therapist? The mark a BPD parent leaves can be debilitating and guilt and obligation are two things we need to process. Don't enable Mom blue mermaid and work on your self worth - Mom's actions will impact you less.

Workshop - US: What it means to be in the “FOG”{fear, obligation and guilt}

Are you supporting or enabling?

[petridish]

I've got an uBPD mother too and I hear you. It's so hard to also try to keep good sibling dynamics while dealing with her and how she affects each of us. Generally we are very close, but I know, for example, that my youngest brother feels frustrated with me because of how hurt I am by my mother's lashing out and how much I want a relationship with her. And I worry about how my need to vent affects another brother (I feel very guilty really sharing the pain she causes me with people outside the family).

I've had multiple siblings at various times ask me to behave differently (not state when she is hurting me, for example) with my mother because she ends up also lashing out at them. I have probably done it with them as well. I try to keep in mind that these requests are just because they know that I'm actually willing to change and capable of self-control and try to listen in ways that they aren't getting from her. I have said almost identical things to my siblings about this -- that I am sorry that my mother is lashing out at them after fighting with me, but that is her failure, not mine, and it sounds like they might need to set boundaries with her. I validate that they feel like they are in the middle of our fighting and ask them to let me know if there are specific ways I am making them feel like that (they know our mother is not very cause-and-effect, so what I say to her doesn't have a direct link towards what she might turn around and say to them) because I know how hard it is to feel like that.

I think one thing that makes it hard for me and my siblings is that my mother, who is probably high functioning, can be really sweet and sincere about wanting to change and even a great listener. Very back and forth. She is rarely lashing out and hurting all of us at once, which means that she often has someone who is empathetic to her pain (which is real, regardless of whether she's caused it or not) and tempted to advocate for her. I would say that, having been on both sides of that, it's best to just remain neutral and non-committal. I think that if your brother has been on the receiving end of her lashing out, he probably gets it even if right now he just wants to smooth it over. Let him know you haven't ruled out counseling (even if you have) but right now you can't see it working. 

One of my best friends has parents who are similar to mine in strange ways. Her mother, too, seems to never be happy with what her kids do, even when it's specifically what she's asked for (both of us have learned this after YEARS of trying!). We've both decided that they must secretly LIKE being unhappy with us; perhaps it gives them something to critique and thus still feel relevant or powerful or like good parents. So if they are unhappy with us, we're really being great kids for them as mothers. Neither of us really get wanting to be unhappy, but it helps resolve feelings of guilt for never being good enough while also making us laugh at a bit -- crazy parents! always wanting to be unhappy with us!

I don't know what to say about your mother trying to get your attention. I do know the feeling and I've seen her do it to one sibling in particular (the one who is most caring/nurturing by nature) and I hate seeing what it does to him. While I think boundaries sometimes work with her for me, I've also seen her up the ante to counteract them both in the short term and in the longer term. Very short term strategies I or other siblings have used are: turning my cell to silent so that I am not sort of "on alert" waiting to hear from her; calling while (supposedly) driving and then "having to go" due to "dangerous road conditions" as soon as things felt touchy; responding to what she says without sharing (she can go on and on and on with minimal responses); going out of contact for a short time to recuperate and then saying it was phone issues (no reception in apartment, dropped calls, not getting texts on time, etc.).


For the record, I am new to this board and I am not sure how helpful/healthy any of what I'm saying is. I just know that your post reminded me of my experiences.

[h0neybadger]

... .Are you me? I feel like I could have written the part about guilt and holiday visits, historically being the family peacemaker... .

The guilt is the worst, I know. It's been ingrained into our emotions, as part of our family role - which is to make everyone else happy (re: make mom happy) at whatever expense to ourselves. Ask yourself this - do you think she is feeling as guilty about the relationship as you are? Does she worry as much as you do about making you feel bad? I doubt it.

A reasonable, secure parent would just be happy to see you when they can, they would understand that you have your own adult life now with obligations other than spending all your vacation time seeing her. My SO's parents are like this, and it was such a wake-up call to see how they all interact without crazy drama.

[bluemermaid84]

Thank you so much for the responses. Mostly, it just feels good to know other people deal with this, too, and that it's not just about me. I have heard so much invalidation throughout my life, I feel like I do it to myself now! I wonder whether I'm the crazy one and I'm just making things up or being too sensitive. I am seeing a therapist and that has been going really well, it's just nice to speak with people who have personal experience with this problem too. I am hoping that with time and some work, the guilt will subside. I can't wait until it does because at the moment it is quite unpleasant. Thanks everyone for listening and validating.