Wedding drama with victim/martyr BPD mom... looking for support

[h0neybadger]

Two years ago my fiance proposed to me on a day trip to our alma mater. The first call I made was to my parents with the news. The next day when I got home, my mom gave me the silent treatment, then finally blew up about how she was so hurt that our family (meaning her) wasn't directly involved in the proposal, that my SO didn't ask my dad for permission (I live out of state and support myself). She said awful things, I cried all day, my dad stayed out of it, and my sister was the only person genuinely happy for me.

That was just the beginning. Things were magically fine for a while after that, then my mom decided she wasn't happy with the wedding planning ideas. She started getting pushy and nasty, communication broke down, and I finally spent two days writing her a letter about my feelings and what I needed to change in our relationship to move forward. I was so careful about wording it to not be harsh, my therapist looked at it, friends looked at it. My hands were shaking when I sent it, my SO had to calm me down because I was so scared. Two days later my enabler dad called me in tears about how badly I'd hurt her with that letter, how it was "cowardly" and how he took her to emergency counseling, how mean and cold it was. My dad's opinion means EVERYTHING to me, so I was devastated. I thought he must be right, he was so sincere and crying for her.

Later that week, I had plans to fly home for a friend's wedding and visit my parents. I got a phone call from my dad at 6am the day of my flight, telling me through tears that I "probably shouldn't come home." I was so hurt, I asked "why? why are you saying this?" and he just kept crying and ended the call. So I flew home, rented a car, drove two hours to my sister's college apartment and camped out there for a few days, went to the wedding and tried to act happy, it was so hard. One day my dad called again and said they wanted to talk, that I should come home - so I drove home right away. I got home, and we all just cried and hugged and it seemed like things could be okay.

Then it went downhill again. My dad decided that we should talk about everything, get it all out in the open, and he was basically acting as mediator. My mom had a rare moment of clarity and said that she could sometimes "say things in the moment." Then my dad turned to me and said, "Now that we've put ourselves out there, is there anything you would like to apologize for?" I said that I was truly sorry that she was so hurt, that I didn't mean for that to happen, but that I needed the topics in the letter to be communicated. Then my mom cried about every hardship from her entire life, every instance my sister and I hurt her (the main example was my sister's diary entry at 10 years old), with my dad crying with her the whole time.

For six months, all I heard constantly was how much I'd hurt her, how she'd never get over it, how she never would have done such a thing to her mom, how she'd always love me no matter what I did to her. As a compliant people-pleaser whose identity centered on being the family peacemaker and being "nice and good" no matter the personal expense... .I had a nervous breakdown. I felt like less than dog crap. I went into a severe depression, gained 30 pounds from comfort eating, called my therapist from work after having a panic attack in the bathroom and had to convince him not to hospitalize me for my own safety. It was the worst period of my life.

Because of all this, I postponed the wedding. When I called my mom to tell her the news, all she said was "well I hope it wasn't because of our disagreements!" in a cheery voice. Of course I had to say no, but it completely frustrated me. It's been two years now and I still have made no progress on wedding plans. I just can't bring myself to do it, it was so traumatizing and I'm so scared to dip back into that drama. All of the excitement of planning has been destroyed for me, I can't bring myself to look at a wedding magazine or talk about ideas with a friend without feeling anxious. She now can't stand my SO and thinks he is controlling me and wants the "old me" back (now that I'm working on establishing boundaries for my own health).

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Can anyone else relate over wedding drama with a BPD mom? Or any advice about handling a victim/martyr-type BPD mom and sensitive enabler dad? I feel paralyzed and can't move forward with my own wedding, for fear or reigniting the drama with her. She knows exactly how to emotionally manipulate me, especially with my guilt buttons, and it's paralyzing when she does.

[Moonbeam77]

I am so sorry that getting engaged which should be such a happy time, was tarnished with negative BPD drama.  That being said I love being married for the past 14 years to a loving man and having a warm nurturing home of my own.  Please don't let the fear of your Mom's negative reaction stop you from choosing happiness for yourself.  My brother got married last year.  My father ?NPD and my father's girlfriend (most likely BPD) did make a big stink about the wedding pictures and not being in more of them.  When he would complain to me about not being in more pictures I said "Well it was their wedding so most of the wedding pictures should be of them!"  When he called me up two weeks before Christmas mad about this and that and bought of the wedding picture thing again (he wanted more pictures of himself and his girlfriend).  I said "Perhaps you shouldn't come to Christmas until you resolve some of those issues."  (We had a lovely Christmas without him and his girlfriend).  For the most part I think my brother and his wife ignored their bad behavior and enjoyed their wedding day.  It can be empowering to have a healthy family of your own.  Good luck!  PS. I think getting eloped is very romantic!

[Justme1]

Hi HoneyBadger!

I actually just got married last month... .so I can definitely relate to what you wrote in several ways... .Here's my story:

Like you, the first people I called were my parents. Initially, my dad was excited for me, but my uBPDmom's voice became cold and she didn't congratulate me when I told her. She had loved my fiance up until they had an argument a short time before we became engaged, and he became forever blacklisted.

Over the next nine months, I tried to play it cool with my mom, out of fear that she would ruin the wedding. There were fights, weeks of no communication, then we'd see each other again and she would pretend nothing had happened. She avoided talking about the engagement and insisted on referring to him as my "boyfriend". The one time I tried showing her my ring she went off on a tirade.

She wanted nothing to do with the wedding planning, although she told people otherwise. As the wedding got closer, she started sending letters to my friends, and anyone she thought might be able to convince me to call off the wedding. I'm talking 20 + letters and conversations (that I know of). Slanderous, horrible, hurtful things. She convinced my father to quit talking to me for several months. As much as that hurt (Because I, too, always viewed my dad as the stable one I could count on), I knew he did it out of fear of her... .which he later admitted to be true. I chose to invite my parents to the wedding several months beforehand, partly because I wanted my fairy-tale mother to be there, and also because I knew she wouldn't come. As horrible as that may seem to some, I knew if I invited her, she would decline in an effort to hurt me... .whereas, if I didn't invite her, she would crash it.

Our wedding day was wonderful. Our true friends, and my husband's family came. There was so much love and happiness, that I honestly didn't notice my family's absence. I've been living far away from them for several years, as well, so perhaps that helped to lessen the effect.

My mother left me a voicemail a week after our wedding offering to get together with me and my husband. No apologies. I declined, and I haven't talked to her since. My dad and I communicated last week and he felt horrible for not being there... .however, a few days later he called me up and demanded I apologize to my mother for hurting her so much.  :'( I decided to leave them both alone and focus on my new life instead.

My best advice is to do everything you can to start living the life you want to live. It's impossible to make our BPD moms happy. When we do, it's temporary, and it's a never-ending cycle. I'm doing my best to rely on my husband's love and support instead.

Good luck, and feel free to message me if you'd like! 

[Sitara]

Welcome HoneyBadger!  I can also relate to your story. 

that my SO didn't ask my dad for permission

But in my case, she was upset he didn't ask for her permission.

Same as you, things were "magically" fine after awhile.  In my case, my parents paid for the wedding, but I had to jump through hoops for that to happen.  They would only pay if I sat them down and asked them to (god forbid they just offer, since they'd been planning and saving for it).  I only knew that I had to ask because my mom had told my best friend she was waiting for me to ask.  My mom only became involved in the parts I specifically begged her to take part in, and the rest was left up to me to do on my own.  I wanted her to want to help me plan my wedding, but she wasn't willing to do anything I didn't beg her to help with.  In some ways though that was a bit of a blessing.  She didn't hijack my plans and only demanded (yes demanded, not ask) that I invite one of her old college friends that I'd never met, since she was paying for the whole wedding and all.  I would have said yes if she just asked.

And, although not wedding related, these have all happened to me on other occations too:

that I "probably shouldn't come home."

-My dad backed my mom over something completely ridiculous and it crushed me too (I had previously thought he was supportive of me).

My mom had a rare moment of clarity and said that she could sometimes "say things in the moment."

Except she said she, "sometimes says things she doesn't mean, and it's my problem if I get hurt by them because she doesn't actually mean it!"

Then my mom cried about every hardship from her entire life, every instance my sister and I hurt her (the main example was my sister's diary entry at 10 years old)

I apparently promised something when I was 5 and didn't hold to that promise.

-And I ended up apologizing for something I didn't do but did to try and keep the peace.

I'm so sorry to hear how much it's affected you, but you are not alone, and you deserve to be happy!  A traditional wedding is not the only option. What is most important to you about your wedding day and what do you think you could do to get there?

[Aprilly78]

I can relate to this one big time as I just got married about two months ago and went through a lot of similar times with my BPD martyr mom. Everything I did wasn't good enough when it came to wedding planning - and I think it really just boils down to the fact that a wedding is about you and your fiancé, and not about HER - which we all know is the quickest way to set off a BPD. My mom literally threw a temper tantrum in the middle of picture taking in a park with practically all of my fiancé's family members there. She was miserable most of the weekend of the wedding and every picture I have of her at the wedding is her with a permanent scowl. What made it worse is that my peace-loving stepdad had passed away about 5 years ago and so he was not there to temper that drama and keep my mom calm.

All I can say is that your wedding is a happy time and you should enjoy it. My mom chose to be miserable that day, but I was honestly so happy and excited, I only noticed her displeasure out of the corner of my eye. I did have to deal with a 2 week long silent treatment/guilt trip after my wedding, and a long argument about her new irrational hatred of my new father-in-law which hurt me deeply, but I just remind myself that I married someone who taught me what true unconditional love is - something my mother never showed me - and it reminds me to strengthen my boundaries with my mother and not let her affect me as an adult as she did when I was a child. Hope this helps a little. Hang in there!

[Sitara]

My mom literally threw a temper tantrum in the middle of picture taking in a park with practically all of my fiancé's family members there.

I had thought I remembered my mom being well behaved for most of my wedding until I read this.  She did insist on taking a bunch of pictures that I really didn't want to.  And she did tell me that a lot of people were negatively commenting on the dress she wore to the wedding.

I did have to deal with a 2 week long silent treatment/guilt trip after my wedding

My mom did not talk to me for 3 months after the wedding.  Looking back, there's a good chance this was a "test" to see if I was abandoning her for my new husband.

Overall I enjoyed our wedding though, and I was focused so much on my husband that I really didn't see the drama going on with our families.

[cheerio99]

Two years ago my fiance proposed to me on a day trip to our alma mater. The first call I made was to my parents with the news. The next day when I got home, my mom gave me the silent treatment, then finally blew up about how she was so hurt that our family (meaning her) wasn't directly involved in the proposal, that my SO didn't ask my dad for permission (I live out of state and support myself). She said awful things, I cried all day, my dad stayed out of it, and my sister was the only person genuinely happy for me.

That was just the beginning. Things were magically fine for a while after that, then my mom decided she wasn't happy with the wedding planning ideas. She started getting pushy and nasty, communication broke down, and I finally spent two days writing her a letter about my feelings and what I needed to change in our relationship to move forward. I was so careful about wording it to not be harsh, my therapist looked at it, friends looked at it. My hands were shaking when I sent it, my SO had to calm me down because I was so scared. Two days later my enabler dad called me in tears about how badly I'd hurt her with that letter, how it was "cowardly" and how he took her to emergency counseling, how mean and cold it was. My dad's opinion means EVERYTHING to me, so I was devastated. I thought he must be right, he was so sincere and crying for her.

Later that week, I had plans to fly home for a friend's wedding and visit my parents. I got a phone call from my dad at 6am the day of my flight, telling me through tears that I "probably shouldn't come home." I was so hurt, I asked "why? why are you saying this?" and he just kept crying and ended the call. So I flew home, rented a car, drove two hours to my sister's college apartment and camped out there for a few days, went to the wedding and tried to act happy, it was so hard. One day my dad called again and said they wanted to talk, that I should come home - so I drove home right away. I got home, and we all just cried and hugged and it seemed like things could be okay.

Then it went downhill again. My dad decided that we should talk about everything, get it all out in the open, and he was basically acting as mediator. My mom had a rare moment of clarity and said that she could sometimes "say things in the moment." Then my dad turned to me and said, "Now that we've put ourselves out there, is there anything you would like to apologize for?" I said that I was truly sorry that she was so hurt, that I didn't mean for that to happen, but that I needed the topics in the letter to be communicated. Then my mom cried about every hardship from her entire life, every instance my sister and I hurt her (the main example was my sister's diary entry at 10 years old), with my dad crying with her the whole time.

For six months, all I heard constantly was how much I'd hurt her, how she'd never get over it, how she never would have done such a thing to her mom, how she'd always love me no matter what I did to her. As a compliant people-pleaser whose identity centered on being the family peacemaker and being "nice and good" no matter the personal expense... .I had a nervous breakdown. I felt like less than dog crap. I went into a severe depression, gained 30 pounds from comfort eating, called my therapist from work after having a panic attack in the bathroom and had to convince him not to hospitalize me for my own safety. It was the worst period of my life.

Because of all this, I postponed the wedding. When I called my mom to tell her the news, all she said was "well I hope it wasn't because of our disagreements!" in a cheery voice. Of course I had to say no, but it completely frustrated me. It's been two years now and I still have made no progress on wedding plans. I just can't bring myself to do it, it was so traumatizing and I'm so scared to dip back into that drama. All of the excitement of planning has been destroyed for me, I can't bring myself to look at a wedding magazine or talk about ideas with a friend without feeling anxious. She now can't stand my SO and thinks he is controlling me and wants the "old me" back (now that I'm working on establishing boundaries for my own health).

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Can anyone else relate over wedding drama with a BPD mom? Or any advice about handling a victim/martyr-type BPD mom and sensitive enabler dad? I feel paralyzed and can't move forward with my own wedding, for fear or reigniting the drama with her. She knows exactly how to emotionally manipulate me, especially with my guilt buttons, and it's paralyzing when she does.

I think a lot of BPD parents feel threatened by their children's happiness and attachments to other people. That combined with the fact that you were trying to change what was probably a long-standing dynamic between you, and it sounds like your mother just went off the deep end.

That sort of tearful, cathartic "airing out" is something I can definitely relate to. I don't know if this is true in your case, but in my case I had a moment of clarity a few years ago when I realized that the cry-session itself was her main goal sometimes. Ever since I was a kid I would try to defend myself against some attack, end up hurting her feelings, then cry with her and apologize and hug it out and all that, and then we would "reset" back to normal and repeat in a day/week/whatever. But the whole thing just fed her need to feel connected to me in a twisted way.

I don't know what to tell you to do, but I can tell you that the only thing I've ever seen work for people in situations like yours is to disengage from the toxic parent, at least for a while. Right now, it sounds like she's got you so wrapped up in her emotions that it's sucking the life right out of you. No wonder you're scared to dip back into all that drama--drama isn't even the right word, I think. A better term would be emotional violence.

Honestly, I don't think you owe her an explanation for your wedding or your marriage or your happiness. You don't have to justify your SO to her. You don't even have to invite her to your wedding if you don't think she's stable enough. It doesn't mean you don't love her, it just means that you recognize that her mental illness prevents her from being competent to deal with this particular situation effectively, and you don't have the resources to help her manage it. You've got the support of your SO and your therapist and friends and maybe even other family members. It's not the same as having your parents on your side but sometimes we have to go to war with the soldiers we have.

Anyway, best of luck to you -- I hope you eventually find a way to have a wedding that celebrates your relationship and in which you are emotionally safe.