My brand of closure (probably not the most healthy)

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

This is the email that I just sent after 2 weeks of no contact.  This email helped me, and I debated on sending it or not, but 2 of his exes begged me to send it, in hopes it might save someone else from going through what we all did.  Here it is:  

I have gone back and forth on whether to write this letter to you or not.  I have a whole lot to say, and you might never receive this letter, but I know for a fact that it will make me feel better.  First of all, I want to say that I know who you are, what you are, and I did love you anyway.  Back in August, when I first discovered that you were really suffering from an undiagnosed personality disorder, I struggled back and forth with whether to jump in with both feet and try to help you, or to just run as far away from you as possible and never look back.  Because of the situation, I really didn't have much of an option. I had to work my way out of the hole that I had gotten into with you by doing the staining work on your house.  That was the only hope I had of getting my life back.  I have a whole lot of anger about your behaviors that have consumed me.  Knowing that you are sick still doesn't excuse those behaviors, and still doesn't keep me from being totally pissed off.  I gravitate back and forth between feeling sorry for you and wanting to make you pay for what you have done to me.  I am sure this makes no sense to you, because in your mind, you have done so much for me and blah blah blah.  For the record, no amount of money nor half-hearted apologies will ever make up for the emotional damage that you inflicted upon me.  However, I do forgive you, and not because you deserve forgiveness.  I forgive you because it sets me free.  

Instead of getting into what I really think of you, and possibly injuring you pretty deeply, I encourage you to get some help.  I have spoken to another woman that has been in a relationship with you in the past, and our stories are exactly the same, with very little differences.  Not only did you cheat on her, keep other women and your exes involved in your life, but you also twisted religion around talking the talk but never walking the walk.  She had also come to the conclusion, because of her own research, that you have borderline personality disorder.  We both feel sorry for you, and we both loved you.  However, neither of us are willing to ever put our own sanity on the line in order to help you, because both of us lost ourselves while trying to do so in the past.  The more I research, the more sorry I feel for J***.  That woman either has this same personality disorder, or else she has been driven stark raving mad by your condition.  No one with any self respect would continue to follow other women around for you, reporting their comings and goings, while you  all over her in every way imaginable unless she is mentally disturbed.  The more I have talked to people who KNOW the things that have taken place in the past, the more I understand just how disturbed she is, and I will never end up being like that.  

I have a whole lot of problems of my own, I am not perfect, I have a temper, I am hopelessly flawed in many ways, BUT I am a good person, who can experience something called empathy.  I treat others the way I want to be treated.  I do tend to react strongly when said others don't return the favor, and yes, that is sinful.  However, people respect me because I am real.  I wish I could give you some of my realness.  I wish I could do a whole lot of things to make you better, but I am smart enough to know that I can't do anything to make you better.  The only person that can make you better is you.  I fear you will never acknowledge the deep seeded issues that lie within your soul that cause you so much conflict in life.  

If I were you, I would stop trying to reconcile with T***y or C***y. (male friends of his)  They are as fed up with your behavior as I am, and honestly, it has nothing to do with me.  I did tell them the things you said about them, but they already were completely fed up with you and the way you have treated both of them.  I know in your mind you have done so much for so many people, but what you don't see is how you have used so many people to benefit yourself with no regard to the cost of those that you are using.  I am not, and have not had any sort of relationship with either of them other than friendship, not that they weren't interested, but that I am not going to jump into anything at all with anyone at all without careful consideration and time to allow myself to heal and repair my life.  I am no longer whole, and I wasn't whole when I met you.  However, the stuff with the alcoholics in my life was no worse than the stuff with you.  The alcoholics are easier to understand and comprehend.  Your sickness is different than theirs, and not nearly as easy to detect.  With you, it seems as though you are just an evil person, when in actuality, you have a mental condition that can only be cured if you choose to do something about it, not unlike their alcoholism.  

D****n, I really do wish that I could have helped you.  I hope you find a way to stop hurting people.  God made me strong, I will be okay, but others are not so strong as me.  If your faith is true, you will do everything in your power to stop hurting other people.  :)on't cheat your clients, its stealing.  :)on't cheat on your girlfriends, its adultery.  You can help yourself.  I sure hope you find a way to do exactly that, help yourself.  Keeping ex lovers answering to your every whim is just mental abuse.  Pretending to be someone that you are not is fake.  People see through it eventually.  I wish you liked yourself enough to be yourself without having to hide who you really are.  That hurt little boy inside needs some help.  The next unsuspecting girl that comes along can't give you that help, and she also deserves to know upfront that you have a sexually transmitted disease.  I know I am not the only one that you withheld that information from.  For the record, just so you know, if you give that to someone without telling them you have it, you can be held responsible, and you will lose everything you have.  You have an obligation to sexual partners to reveal such information to them in advance, so they can make up their minds whether they want to take that kind of chance.  

Anyways, I could probably type all night, but I will quit now.  It's tempting to check on you and see how you are, but I know that your condition prevents me from even being able to have a friendship with you, because friends don't treat friends the way that you treat people.  Although my heart hurts for what could have been, my head knows that there was never a chance, and I will never cross that line ever again with you.  I don't wish to know what you are doing, or it'd be better to say who you are doing, because all I want is to not care.  I don't want to be your friend, because I know that I'd end up being mentally impaired like J***e.  I don't wish to be around you, because I don't wish to have the merry-go-round have any sort of opportunity to be ridden again by me in any shape form or fashion.  I pray for you, and in those prayers I pray that you will find help and healing.  I forgive you, because you are just a child trapped in a man's body.  I hope that child will be healed, and that a real man can grow and become healthy.  

[MJistiredofBS]

This is the email that I just sent after 2 weeks of no contact.  This email helped me, and I debated on sending it or not, but 2 of his exes begged me to send it, in hopes it might save someone else from going through what we all did.  Here it is:  

I have gone back and forth on whether to write this letter to you or not.  I have a whole lot to say, and you might never receive this letter, but I know for a fact that it will make me feel better.  First of all, I want to say that I know who you are, what you are, and I did love you anyway.  Back in August, when I first discovered that you were really suffering from an undiagnosed personality disorder, I struggled back and forth with whether to jump in with both feet and try to help you, or to just run as far away from you as possible and never look back.  Because of the situation, I really didn't have much of an option. I had to work my way out of the hole that I had gotten into with you by doing the staining work on your house.  That was the only hope I had of getting my life back.  I have a whole lot of anger about your behaviors that have consumed me.  Knowing that you are sick still doesn't excuse those behaviors, and still doesn't keep me from being totally pissed off.  I gravitate back and forth between feeling sorry for you and wanting to make you pay for what you have done to me.  I am sure this makes no sense to you, because in your mind, you have done so much for me and blah blah blah.  For the record, no amount of money nor half-hearted apologies will ever make up for the emotional damage that you inflicted upon me.  However, I do forgive you, and not because you deserve forgiveness.  I forgive you because it sets me free.  

Instead of getting into what I really think of you, and possibly injuring you pretty deeply, I encourage you to get some help.  I have spoken to another woman that has been in a relationship with you in the past, and our stories are exactly the same, with very little differences.  Not only did you cheat on her, keep other women and your exes involved in your life, but you also twisted religion around talking the talk but never walking the walk.  She had also come to the conclusion, because of her own research, that you have borderline personality disorder.  We both feel sorry for you, and we both loved you.  However, neither of us are willing to ever put our own sanity on the line in order to help you, because both of us lost ourselves while trying to do so in the past.  The more I research, the more sorry I feel for J***.  That woman either has this same personality disorder, or else she has been driven stark raving mad by your condition.  No one with any self respect would continue to follow other women around for you, reporting their comings and goings, while you  all over her in every way imaginable unless she is mentally disturbed.  The more I have talked to people who KNOW the things that have taken place in the past, the more I understand just how disturbed she is, and I will never end up being like that.  

I have a whole lot of problems of my own, I am not perfect, I have a temper, I am hopelessly flawed in many ways, BUT I am a good person, who can experience something called empathy.  I treat others the way I want to be treated.  I do tend to react strongly when said others don't return the favor, and yes, that is sinful.  However, people respect me because I am real.  I wish I could give you some of my realness.  I wish I could do a whole lot of things to make you better, but I am smart enough to know that I can't do anything to make you better.  The only person that can make you better is you.  I fear you will never acknowledge the deep seeded issues that lie within your soul that cause you so much conflict in life.  

If I were you, I would stop trying to reconcile with T***y or C***y. (male friends of his)  They are as fed up with your behavior as I am, and honestly, it has nothing to do with me.  I did tell them the things you said about them, but they already were completely fed up with you and the way you have treated both of them.  I know in your mind you have done so much for so many people, but what you don't see is how you have used so many people to benefit yourself with no regard to the cost of those that you are using.  I am not, and have not had any sort of relationship with either of them other than friendship, not that they weren't interested, but that I am not going to jump into anything at all with anyone at all without careful consideration and time to allow myself to heal and repair my life.  I am no longer whole, and I wasn't whole when I met you.  However, the stuff with the alcoholics in my life was no worse than the stuff with you.  The alcoholics are easier to understand and comprehend.  Your sickness is different than theirs, and not nearly as easy to detect.  With you, it seems as though you are just an evil person, when in actuality, you have a mental condition that can only be cured if you choose to do something about it, not unlike their alcoholism.  

D****n, I really do wish that I could have helped you.  I hope you find a way to stop hurting people.  God made me strong, I will be okay, but others are not so strong as me.  If your faith is true, you will do everything in your power to stop hurting other people.  :)on't cheat your clients, its stealing.  :)on't cheat on your girlfriends, its adultery.  You can help yourself.  I sure hope you find a way to do exactly that, help yourself.  Keeping ex lovers answering to your every whim is just mental abuse.  Pretending to be someone that you are not is fake.  People see through it eventually.  I wish you liked yourself enough to be yourself without having to hide who you really are.  That hurt little boy inside needs some help.  The next unsuspecting girl that comes along can't give you that help, and she also deserves to know upfront that you have a sexually transmitted disease.  I know I am not the only one that you withheld that information from.  For the record, just so you know, if you give that to someone without telling them you have it, you can be held responsible, and you will lose everything you have.  You have an obligation to sexual partners to reveal such information to them in advance, so they can make up their minds whether they want to take that kind of chance.  

Anyways, I could probably type all night, but I will quit now.  It's tempting to check on you and see how you are, but I know that your condition prevents me from even being able to have a friendship with you, because friends don't treat friends the way that you treat people.  Although my heart hurts for what could have been, my head knows that there was never a chance, and I will never cross that line ever again with you.  I don't wish to know what you are doing, or it'd be better to say who you are doing, because all I want is to not care.  I don't want to be your friend, because I know that I'd end up being mentally impaired like J***e.  I don't wish to be around you, because I don't wish to have the merry-go-round have any sort of opportunity to be ridden again by me in any shape form or fashion.  I pray for you, and in those prayers I pray that you will find help and healing.  I forgive you, because you are just a child trapped in a man's body.  I hope that child will be healed, and that a real man can grow and become healthy.