Some words from a friend that helped me today thought Id share.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi all,

Since my last post I still have not contacted my BPD ex girl. I also changed my phone number on top of me already deleting my emails except for one(the one left she is blocked on) and I also deleted my dating site profile that she found me on. When I sent the email I felt a sense of release like something was lifted out of me that was very heavy. It didn't have curses it was just factual and true emotions being let out. Yesterday I went on a date that I was originally supposed to go on Saturday but went out with coworkers instead being that I was feeling like crap once I signed on to the dating profile and saw her in the viewed me section. I signed onto the dating profile on Friday because thoughts of her were becoming overwhelming and I was trying to do anything to stop the thought process. That didn't work out as she was right there smack dab basically letting me know she is dating without saying it. The date I went on didn't go well wasn't horrible but I just wasn't into her but I was very nice and accommodating anyway. I just was not attracted to her but she was very nice and engaging and I appreciated her taking the time to go out with me. We went to the movies and during the movie I felt anxiety and felt chaos going on inside of my head. I thanked God that this was not a dinner date as I would have been tortured keeping up the act of being happy. Wise choice indeed for me I could face forward and hide my facial expressions that were probably going on many times in the movie. It was even hard to laugh at some of the jokes in the movie and at times I felt I was forcing a laugh or two just to seem normal. Anyhow today I went to work and I was feeling anxiety all day long. I have a big visit from corporate tomorrow so I was scrambling to get my staff to get everything in order. Kind of hard for me to lead when I'm going through hell inside and feel like buckling down on the floor in a ball and crying like a big baby. Later on in the day my mind started to get thoughts of her on a massive level and the anxiety intensified. All of these thoughts were coming on at the same time and was overloading me. I walked outside and walked about 3 blocks away lit up a cigarette, looked around, put my back up against the wall, crouched down and started to cry. I called my friend and she picked up thank God. She first asked me to calm down. She asked me what was going on which I told her. She replied which thought feels the worst. I said I don't know there are so many. These are the words that made me feel better and I thought I should share because maybe someone might be feeling the same thing I felt today and it might make them feel better.

She said " You do know that she cannot break you. Only you can break you. She knows you are awesome but also knows that you don't realize how awesome you are.This is why she attached herself to you in the first place and wanted to steal your light". I replied " I don't feel very awesome I actually kind of feel like trash". She then replied " If you were trash then why would she even try to steal your light in the first place. If you weren't awesome then she wouldn't want to latch onto you to take in the first place because you would have nothing for her to take." I replied "mmmm" She then continued and said "She knows you are better then her and needs to keep you down because she is afraid that if you find out your true worth then you would not want her anymore so it is in her best interest to keep you broken down and feeling like your not what you truly are". I calmed down a bit but still asked "How do you know all of this". She replied " My daughters father tried to do the same thing he might not be BPD but a user is still a user and in one of his weaker moments he even admitted it to her". I said "well then the same thing can be reversed then because I still love her so there must be some awesomeness or good in her". She very quickly replied and said "To me I think not not matter what the reasoning is a person who purposefully brings people down because they are feeling down are black energy in the universe that just take and do not replenish. Selfish people do not provide replenishment for the soul they just take from it and absorb your light". I agreed as I thought to myself the pain Im in is literally excruciating and goddamn intense as hell. I didn't call up my friend to yell at her and put her down. I called and reached my hand out and asked for help. Just like I do with you guys sometimes on here. I picked myself up off the ground finished my cigarette, wiped off my tears and walked back into the job.

Also today I did not look at my ex's facebook today or her dating site profile. Which apparently Im addicted to doing now. This was a small baby goal I set for myself today and was able to do it today for the first time by brute force. Hopefully this story might help someone else or provide inspiration for someone else. I know its not much but it feels like alot to me. Tommorow is another day Good night all. Be Well everyone

[AG]

Hi all,

Since my last post I still have not contacted my BPD ex girl. I also changed my phone number on top of me already deleting my emails except for one(the one left she is blocked on) and I also deleted my dating site profile that she found me on. When I sent the email I felt a sense of release like something was lifted out of me that was very heavy. It didn't have curses it was just factual and true emotions being let out. Yesterday I went on a date that I was originally supposed to go on Saturday but went out with coworkers instead being that I was feeling like crap once I signed on to the dating profile and saw her in the viewed me section. I signed onto the dating profile on Friday because thoughts of her were becoming overwhelming and I was trying to do anything to stop the thought process. That didn't work out as she was right there smack dab basically letting me know she is dating without saying it. The date I went on didn't go well wasn't horrible but I just wasn't into her but I was very nice and accommodating anyway. I just was not attracted to her but she was very nice and engaging and I appreciated her taking the time to go out with me. We went to the movies and during the movie I felt anxiety and felt chaos going on inside of my head. I thanked God that this was not a dinner date as I would have been tortured keeping up the act of being happy. Wise choice indeed for me I could face forward and hide my facial expressions that were probably going on many times in the movie. It was even hard to laugh at some of the jokes in the movie and at times I felt I was forcing a laugh or two just to seem normal. Anyhow today I went to work and I was feeling anxiety all day long. I have a big visit from corporate tomorrow so I was scrambling to get my staff to get everything in order. Kind of hard for me to lead when I'm going through hell inside and feel like buckling down on the floor in a ball and crying like a big baby. Later on in the day my mind started to get thoughts of her on a massive level and the anxiety intensified. All of these thoughts were coming on at the same time and was overloading me. I walked outside and walked about 3 blocks away lit up a cigarette, looked around, put my back up against the wall, crouched down and started to cry. I called my friend and she picked up thank God. She first asked me to calm down. She asked me what was going on which I told her. She replied which thought feels the worst. I said I don't know there are so many. These are the words that made me feel better and I thought I should share because maybe someone might be feeling the same thing I felt today and it might make them feel better.

She said " You do know that she cannot break you. Only you can break you. She knows you are awesome but also knows that you don't realize how awesome you are.This is why she attached herself to you in the first place and wanted to steal your light". I replied " I don't feel very awesome I actually kind of feel like trash". She then replied " If you were trash then why would she even try to steal your light in the first place. If you weren't awesome then she wouldn't want to latch onto you to take in the first place because you would have nothing for her to take." I replied "mmmm" She then continued and said "She knows you are better then her and needs to keep you down because she is afraid that if you find out your true worth then you would not want her anymore so it is in her best interest to keep you broken down and feeling like your not what you truly are". I calmed down a bit but still asked "How do you know all of this". She replied " My daughters father tried to do the same thing he might not be BPD but a user is still a user and in one of his weaker moments he even admitted it to her". I said "well then the same thing can be reversed then because I still love her so there must be some awesomeness or good in her". She very quickly replied and said "To me I think not not matter what the reasoning is a person who purposefully brings people down because they are feeling down are black energy in the universe that just take and do not replenish. Selfish people do not provide replenishment for the soul they just take from it and absorb your light". I agreed as I thought to myself the pain Im in is literally excruciating and goddamn intense as hell. I didn't call up my friend to yell at her and put her down. I called and reached my hand out and asked for help. Just like I do with you guys sometimes on here. I picked myself up off the ground finished my cigarette, wiped off my tears and walked back into the job.

Also today I did not look at my ex's facebook today or her dating site profile. Which apparently Im addicted to doing now. This was a small baby goal I set for myself today and was able to do it today for the first time by brute force. Hopefully this story might help someone else or provide inspiration for someone else. I know its not much but it feels like alot to me. Tommorow is another day Good night all. Be Well everyone

[Surnia]

AG

So sorry to hear about your pain. 

And in the same time: 

For calling a good friend and the Baby steps. Thats what we can do for us. It needs courage to call someone for help. And it needs some consistence with the baby steps.

Keep going like this. It will get better.

[monqui]

Hi AG,

Thanks for sharing that. Sounds like you have a wise friend. In the case of my ex, I really don't think any of this was conscious for her- and I do think she's mortified about the threats and anger she displayed for me. I think what your friend says applies to her, but in a way more subconsciously- you know, the damaged know on some level they are wounded so look for a caretaker. I think she thought she'd grown out of these traits, but I do feel mislead or lied to really, by omission. You know, even if you think you'll *never do that again* or *never with this person* you should probably share with a partner the epic fails of your past relationship and your journey through healing that. Anyway, I digress. I just wanted to share with you a quote that resonated for me as I grapple how did a relationship with so much love turn so damaging, and what positive changes can I move forward with. I'm likely the only person in the US who didn't read "Eat, Pray, Love" but I came across this quote & it helps me:

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life."

[AG]

Hi AG,

Thanks for sharing that. Sounds like you have a wise friend. In the case of my ex, I really don't think any of this was conscious for her- and I do think she's mortified about the threats and anger she displayed for me. I think what your friend says applies to her, but in a way more subconsciously- you know, the damaged know on some level they are wounded so look for a caretaker. I think she thought she'd grown out of these traits, but I do feel mislead or lied to really, by omission. You know, even if you think you'll *never do that again* or *never with this person* you should probably share with a partner the epic fails of your past relationship and your journey through healing that. Anyway, I digress. I just wanted to share with you a quote that resonated for me as I grapple how did a relationship with so much love turn so damaging, and what positive changes can I move forward with. I'm likely the only person in the US who didn't read "Eat, Pray, Love" but I came across this quote & it helps me:

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life."


Hmmm thats an interesting take on a soul mate. I like those quotes very much. My friend is a mystic. Something I used to be heavily into however with my mind in chaos its kinda hard to focus to grasp new information in mass quantities. I find my attention span to be able to explore in brief spurts now. I honestly though would have to beg to differ from those quotes only because of the use of the name "Soul Mate". Maybe its a matter of perception but from the knowledge that I do have of spirituality I believe that a soul mate are two souls connecting and continuously replenishing each other to grow bigger and bigger. I do however believe that the quotes that you put up relate to relationships and people that come within your life. I agree with the quote just not the use of the word "Soul Mate". I could go on and on about Soul Mates. Sometimes I believe that souls connect at the wrong time. I do understand that my ex is sick. Deep down inside I do not think she is a monster. I battle with thoughts though back and forth and they shift from anger aka shes an a-hole to its not truly her fault because she is sick and a victim of her environment growing up. Your "ego" is not your true self but rather a false representation of yourself that the mind creates and again from the spiritual knowledge I have acquired prior to meeting my ex I know the true self is our soul. On the other hand it is also fact that the universe has both negative energy and positive energy in existence. Even though we are living tissue that can be touched we are all energy aka the soul. To put it in simple terms there can be bad people and good people. I do not yet know if my ex is truly bad. Its something that perplexes me and kind of torments me with riddle. I like those quotes though I really do never read those before thanks for sharing I really appreciate them. Share with me anytime Im always open to new found knowledge even if I agree or disagree. If Im in a clear mind state I welcome it with open arms.

[Candace30]

Great post AG.  Your friend's words actually did help me.  Thanks for sharing. 

[Discovery]

AG,

thanks for sharing and for sharing your friend's words. And I hope you see and appreciate yourself for the good steps you have taken for your well-being.

I'm going through hell inside and feel like buckling down on the floor in a ball and crying like a big baby. Later on in the day my mind started to get thoughts of her on a massive level and the anxiety intensified. All of these thoughts were coming on at the same time and was overloading me.

It's horrible being flooded and feeling like you're drowning in emotions/pain and just caught in the undertow. I'm sure most of us here can relate. I know I can (still ongoing).

I'm glad you had someone to reach out to and who was there for you in that moment.

I wish you strength for your baby step; it's an act of love and self-care for YOU and so be strong, YOU CAN DO IT.

a person who purposefully brings people down because they are feeling down are black energy in the universe

Whatever our view on how much the pwBPD is "in control" of the things they do, projections of anger, resentment and rage ARE black, destructive energy. Unfortunately, in my experience, my lack of a healthy personal boundary SHIELD meant that I let that black energy get inside ME, and hurt me. I see now that someone with more respect for herself would see that destructive stuff and be like: "What the heck!" and be clear that the blackness belongs to the other person. Because it's true: it does. We are NOT responsible for the anger, resentment, rages, unhappiness, or responses to life of someone else. THEY choose how they respond to life. (And when we have awareness, WE get to choose how we respond to them -- something I'm only figuring out better now myself).

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life."

Monqui, thank you SO MUCH for sharing this quote. I copied it down in my journal. I read "Soul Mate" as "Soul Helper" -- and it resonates. If growing and learning is why I'm here, then this really PAINFUL experience is my teacher and my invitation to learn/grow. (Do we really have to feel so much PAIN to grow? Sometimes I guess the answer is yes). I truly felt my former partner was my SOUL MATE in the sense of partner in growing/loving for life... .but Life is showing me otherwise.

Still have hope in a true soul mate in healthy interdependent partnership down the road... .but I've got work to do on me first.

[RecycledNoMore]

Your lucky to have such a wise and understanding friend, " she/ he cannot break you, only you can break you"  I like it.

[Ironmanrises]

A powerful post. I broke down in tears reading this.

[monqui]

Thanks AG &  Discovery. I do like "soul helper" way more although how I'm feeling today it's hard to see that the fallout from loving this person has been helpful. Some days I just feel that I was used and taken for a ride- identified as having characteristics that would assist my ex, and latched on to. UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH- just when I feel like I'm moving forward I have a day like this.

OK, venting complete. I will make tomorrow a better day and do things on my list to not feel so overwhelmed by the fallout of the break-up from this live in relationship. I will strive to continue to be alert and grow, and enter all subsequent relationships healthy and aware. I got this!

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/sense-and-sensitivity/201302/the-familiarity-principle-attraction

[Discovery]

Hi monqui,

Thanks for the link. It helps to have that message reinforced multiple times. I had a bad day today too. Thought I was feeling stronger, but spent the whole day crying and hurting and feeling i'll never feel grounded again. My therapist said to imagine I'm in the hospital -- I have 3 limbs in traction, bruises, bandages around my head, an IV and a catheter... .THAT's the extent of this kind of emotional trauma and just because it's "invisible" doesn't make it any less huge. And to remember that NO ONE would expect someone with physical injuries like that to just pick themselves up and be able to resume "normal" life anytime soon. She said to be VERY VERY gentle on myself and to realize recovering from such a huge emotional shock is no less a recovery than from a physical state as described.

Wishing you a better day tomorrow 

[froggy]

I also had a friend give me some advice recently. . He said that maybe the fact my husband didn't see I had worth wasn't as big of a problem as me not seeing I had worth.

Made me really think... .got me on this site... got me working on me.

Thank God for friends who love us and are there to point out what we can't see for the FOG.

[monqui]

Thanks Discovery & well said. Who would ever think that the person you should be able to most trust would so threaten your very existence and make you feel unsafe if you left them, and even more unsafe if you stayed. Yeah- WHAT, pray tell, does anyone do with that? And then also threaten to kill themselves and blame you for that as well- blame you for all their problems, and then admit later that the issues all predate you. I can love her to the moon and back but how on earth could she expect me to go back to that- indicates to me the healing/recovery has yet to even begin. Can I please get an island in the sun for a year? Thanks.