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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: Liars, Cheats and Thieves  (Read 452 times)
Pretty Woman
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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1683


The Greatest Love is the Love You Give Yourself


« on: November 13, 2013, 01:44:11 AM »

Today I finally got to a place of anger noticing a true pattern with my ex. The last time she dumped me she was immediately with her ex, who in actuality she was emotionally having an affair on me with her. 

Now, it's a mutual friend.  Same situation, dumped me after a bad weekend, I was stressed over something.

So it's not "I was cheating on you" instead it is "we were already broken up"

She wanted to stay "friends" best friends which I promptly nixed which has resulted in me being blocked on FB, her number blocked and me being gaslighted to friends and family. 

I did not deserve this ever.  I can rationalize maybe I screwed up, sure but no matter what... .this is a pattern, this is what she does.  Almost like clockwork. 

Her new target is someone just like me in many ways, someone who exhibited a crush on her and has never been in a lesbian relationship. 

I can only imagine the scenario playing out similarly with the exception this new woman is already more emotionally damaged than I: her husband walked out on her two years after marriage and she waited for him for four years to come back. 

Four years!

Serious target. 

My ex had us married with a family within the first month of knowing her (mentally) I can only imagine the same with this one and how freaked she will be when reality sets in.

When I met my ex her previous ex ( a prison psychiatrist believe it or not) and "sex addict" according to her, was stalking her.  She had to change her number and file a restraining order. 

How funny that two months into our relationship she is telling me what a great person this woman is (generous to a fault) and texting her regularly. 

What? Red flags I just didn't heed at the time. 

I remember our last break my ex flew into a rage and pulled me up the stairs by my hair and spit on me because I couldn't find her house key. 

When she calmed she sat on my couch pulling her hair repeating "I have a brain problem".

Really?

But I took her back again. This is a hard disorder for a non to wrap their head around and if you are co dependent even harder.

Best is to remain nc, change numbers and try to move on.

I say my ex will never be back but rest assured there are no more "back ups" in this state.  The last ex she left me for is already in a new relationship and resentful she ran back to me. 

I can only hope she stays with her new prey more than a few months so I can get some shred of my life and sanity back. 

Lets hope and remain positive.  This has to get better. 
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goldylamont
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« Reply #1 on: November 13, 2013, 04:32:49 AM »

earth angel it's great that you are seeing the pattern for what it is--this is the first step to truly accepting who this person really is. and you mention that today was a time you finally got to a place of anger--thank yourself for this! the anger and bitterness is very hard to get through, it's like a rollercoaster but i wouldn't recommend trying to stop it, let it come, just find constructive ways to channel it. it's healthy anger because we repressed these emotions during the r/s... .and sadly the "hope" we have blocks the healthy anger. so when it comes it comes on full force.

it's interesting to me b/c i feel that like you what triggered my anger was realizing how horribly predictable this person was with their abuse, more than any specific heated arguments that we had. you mention that she dragged you up the stairs by your hair, but then it sounds as if what's really triggering your anger is realizing that your ex has no empathy for you and loves to sleep with acquaintances. i am so sorry you are going through this.   take note of it, this is who this person is to those that they claim to "love", and allow this anger to keep you away and strong. take care.
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ShadowDancer
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« Reply #2 on: November 13, 2013, 09:58:31 AM »

Actually it was the spit part of the description for me. No, some things just are not acceptable or repairable. There has to be a boundary... .somewhere!
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strikeforce
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« Reply #3 on: November 13, 2013, 10:02:24 AM »

It gets better in time. I am now completely over my BPDex. I have no desire whatsoever to speak to her ever again.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

I just had a little peek at the staying board, how I so want to tell them all what the best thing to do is.  my baggage

We all have to learn, makes us stronger in the end.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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Pretty Woman
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Posts: 1683


The Greatest Love is the Love You Give Yourself


« Reply #4 on: November 13, 2013, 10:59:01 AM »

Thanks to everyone for the comments.

It's funny, after my first "dumping" I found BPD Family I immediately came to the leaving and detaching forum. I always assumed it was "the end" and I would never be re-engaged. I mean, when someone says they are going to issue a restraining order against you, that doesn't exactly scream, "I love you, don't leave me"!


I think the hardest part about being in a relationship with a BPD is the broken trust and emotional/physical attachments they form to other people. My ex is now dating a mutual friend (2 weeks after dumping me). I actually encouraged them to hang out because my ex is a loner and they got along well.  Wasn't counting on being replaced. Laugh out loud (click to insert in post).

In retrospect, I should have heeded all the red flags. There were so many how could I not see? What the hell was blinding me?

My BPD Ex-Red Flags Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)  

-Got pregnant at 17 with a married "older" man. Tricked him into leaving his wife and signing away his rights to the baby.

-Got pregnant with her 1st husband and "aborted" the baby after an argument. Husband tried to kill himself. Husband ended up cheating on her with his boss, getting the boss pregnant.

-Entered a lesbian relationship for 10yrs with a woman, *Tammy. Was not a sexual relationship but in her opinion, "very intimate".

-Got involved in drugs and hung around the wrong people (drug dealers). Dated a woman with a prison record who would dissapear and was deeply into crime.

-Was "rescued" by *Laura, a 400lb woman in a gay bar who kept her away from the drug dealers and helped her get her life together.

-Cheated on *Laura with her 1st ex, *Tammy.

-Left *Tammy for *Leanne who she met in an S and M group.

-*Laura and *Tammy hook up and my ex "steals" back her ex *Tammy from *Laura. Never speaks with *Laura again.

-Ex breaks up with *Tammy and ends up in a relationship with *Patricia.  *Patricia is described as gorgeous but insane. *Patricia rapes my ex.

-*Leanne, from the S and M group rescues my ex from *Patricia and they begin a life together in Minnesota.

-*Leanne's family does not like my ex and *Leanne's Aunt tells ex that her niece could "do much better".

-After an altercation where my ex's father pushes *Leanne, *Leanne dumps my ex and immediately enters a partnership for 10yrs with a woman named *Stacy.

-My ex moves to Wisconsin and meets a cop named *Lisa. They date for a little over a year. My ex buys Lisa a ring which she wears "upside down" when they are out. My ex believes *Lisa's friends thought she could do better and she was not physically fit enough to be partners. *Lisa dumps ex and gives back ring. To this day, there is a picture of *Lisa and her dog on my ex's FB page.

-Ex moves on to *Nancy, an friend of *Lisa's who is a prison psychiatrist (really IS, I looked her up)! They date for a little over a year and my ex loses her job during this time. Ex gambles her entire savings away and moves to Illinois.

-Ex and I begin to date. Ex tells me *Nancy is a "sex addict" and stalker she needed to move away from and get a restraining order against. Tells me she even changed her number.

-Two months into dating my ex, she is talking to *Nancy and telling me all the things she's telling her we are doing (places we are going etc). Doesn't dawn on me til later, isn't this the woman she blocked who was harassing her?

-Starts dumping me every three months and coming back. All of a sudden, her former partner from 10yrs ago is single (Leanne). Calls her her "best friend". Dumps me in June and runs to her, she is "the one that got away". Sleeps with her and runs back to me. I take her back again.

Other red flags  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)  

-Was in a relationship with a woman and a man for two years.  Man ended up leaving the woman for her.

-Father was physically abusive. Family split due to a sexual incident.

-Parents were not present growing up. She lived with another family when she got pregnant.

-Has very few friends and keeps tab on all her exes on FB.

Most people would run if they heard this laundry list.  Me, I felt sorry. Me, who has had one serious relationship in 38yrs and a pretty normal and I would say extremely boring (Thank GOD) life opposed to this.

This seriously makes me wonder WHY? Why would I choose to be in a relationship like this in the first place.  I am really hoping this extensive therapy will help me. This is way too much drama for a lifetime (and ironically my ex thought I was too dramatic and she desired "calm"! Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)!
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Lady31
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« Reply #5 on: November 13, 2013, 11:40:21 PM »

Uh, WHAT?  Wow Earth Angel, that IS wild.  I'm guessing you know a lot about the progression of this nightmare of a life she has lived from her.  If so, interesting that she wouldn't think twice about sharing that freely given how extremely dysfunctional she sounds.

THAT is a trip.
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Ironmanrises
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1774


« Reply #6 on: November 13, 2013, 11:49:18 PM »

Earth,

You ask why? The answer, is quite simply, you wanted to rescue her. The behavior you mentioned in her going from the married man, to Laura, etc etc, to finally you; you thought that your love was going to save this person from all of that. I get that. It was no different for me. My exUBPDgf had a long string of boyfriends before i came along. And i too thought that i could rescue her. I couldnt.

Hang in there Earth.
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caughtnreleased
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 631


« Reply #7 on: November 14, 2013, 09:42:17 PM »

It gets better in time. I am now completely over my BPDex. I have no desire whatsoever to speak to her ever again.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

I just had a little peek at the staying board, how I so want to tell them all what the best thing to do is.  my baggage

We all have to learn, makes us stronger in the end.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

this made me chuckle Smiling (click to insert in post)
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The crumbs of love that you offer me, they're the crumbs I've left behind. - L. Cohen
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