My friend lashed out accusing me of nastiness. I'm confused and hurt

[Diana82]

Hi. Any advice would be really appreciated as I am feeling lost and quite overwhelmed. I know you can't diagnose online, but I want to be able to understand my friend. I thought she might be Bipolar, but I am starting to think she could have BPD.

I was dating this girl 5 months ago (same sex) and we hit it off instantly. But I noticed she started to be moody and would change from being super sad to extremely hyper/manic. She also seemed very sensitive and completely misinterpreted things I'd say or my actions.

She then revealed to me that she has "mental issues" and is very hurt from a recent break up. And that she had a stormy relationship with her ex and they kept breaking up and getting back together. She also told me she used to be addicted to speed and had a recent emotional breakdown. Of course this wasn't good news to my ears.

But we agreed to go slowly. I started to care about her. One night she told me she is bipolar and likes to "eat bricks". But then said she was joking. I remember thinking it was a weird joke! Not long after, she became more moody. 

Anyway, we ended up having a fight 2 months ago and she then didn't want to see me. She kept flaking on me and saying she was "busy". And i was about to go overseas on holidays. She then said she wasn't ready for anything serious but still liked hanging with me. It was confusing but figured we could just be friends. Anyway, when I returned home- she messaged saying she misses me. I got annoyed and asked her why she avoided me and now misses me.

She immediately lashed out and said she hadn't avoided me and that I called her a "bipolar junkie" 2 months ago! I had only once referred to her bipolar joke SHE made about herself. So this was a lie and twisting of what I said.   

She then told me I say "hurtful" things to her but couldn't give examples. And for one week we didn't speak. Then I tried to call her and she missed my call and told me she was just finishing off a project but hopes I am well and all smiley. It was odd how she seemed all chirpy now. And I called her the next night again and left a message saying I never meant to upset her and wanted to clear up I never called her a "bipolar junkie". I had to clear this up as it's serious to accuse someone of saying such to you.

She then lashed out again but over text saying "I thought we could be friends but you make me feel terrible and you keep insulting me and bringing up the bipolar thing. Your apology was even nasty. I don't need this. Goodbye".

I was stunned. I replied saying "huh? I tried to apologise and keep the peace. And also clear up I never called you bipolar. I don't understand this? How have I hurt you?"

Then she changed and said she didn't know what she meant by the insults but that I keep bringing up the "bipolar thing" even though it upsets her. She then said my "tone" is very abrupt and I make her feel like she's "always doing something wrong". I didn't get it and she ended by deleting me off Facebook and saying "Ok I'm f&cked. Goodbye".

I tried to ring her the next day as I was really upset. I left a message that was rather shakey as I was distressed and confused. I told her I never meant to hurt her and that I didn't understand how I had made her feel so upset and what am I missing here. And she then texted saying "I'm devastated I upset you. It wasn't my intention. I will call you this week."

I can't understand these extreme change in moods. It's like she lashes out and sees nastiness in things I say that isn't even there. She also twists my words to make it look like I insult her but afterwards seems to realise she made a mistake and feels bad.

I am actually quite fearful of her but I do care about her. So when she called me back, I decided not to take it. And I texted her saying I think we should not talk right now as I may unintentionally upset her and I don't want to do that. I added that I hope we can be friends one day and hope her week goes well.

She took a 2 days to respond and said "hi, so am I right in understanding you just want to leave things be for awhile?"

Hmm. Maybe she feels guilty. I feel I need to back off for a while as her emotions are just so volatile. Do u think its a good idea or will it create bitterness from her? Will she view it as a rejection even though she unfriended me on Facebook?

[havana]

I can't understand these extreme change in moods.

You will never understand them. You can try & accept them, learn how to avoid them & help her through them. I don't think they understand them either. This is a very complex disease. I lived with my wife for almost 42 years. It's not impossible but it is difficult You should certainly take it slow.

Best of luck & keep reading & asking questions.

[Clearmind]

 

Sorry to hear your struggles with your friend Zara - not fun!

Havana is certainly right - its very hard to see it clearly when you are in it.

The only way to understand the mood swings is to understand that people with BPD and to some extent those with Bi-polar live in a different reality to you. What you see and interpret is different for them. What you perceive as a trigger, threat or injustice is different for her.

If she is BPD, she fears abandonment, intimacy and engulfment. So whether you two decided to take things slow or not is of no consequence for a person with BPD. It’s all or nothing. To her she could feel engulfed by a phone call or you questioning and she will begin to push you away. Which seems more likely the case here. While she is pushing you away you are “all bad” – meaning she is purely projecting how she feels about herself onto you. Not fair and completely unreasonable to us however to her it’s the only way she can relinquish her deep feelings/emotions.

It’s a relationship of sorts Zara – part of being friends with someone who is disordered is three-fold 1) acceptance of the disorder and them as they show themselves to be 2) Good boundaries so you can protect yourself from projections/blame and criticism – because it will happen again 3) working on your own self worth so you can stay strong and true to yourself in the face of criticism – it’s not your fault.

Good book: "I hate you, don't leave me"

What do you want for you in this friendship?

If she was to call and criticse and blame you again - what boundary could you set to protect you?

[Diana82]

thank you very much for your responses. I appreciate it.

Well, it's clear she has calmed down since the storm and feels 'devastated' and perhaps embarrassed (I can only assume). 

But the stuff she said to me really stung. She even said "we don't have much in common and don't bring any benefits to each others lives. I hope everything goes well for you. Goodbye"  followed by her deleting me off Facebook.  :'( :'(   All of this after I apologised to her and clarified that I never called her bipolar!

It was hurtful that she said we don't have much in common- considering 2 weeks ago she said she missed me and missed our "interesting conversations" and going to dinner and theatre with me.

I wish I could listen to my own voice message to her and see how she interpreted it the way she did. But as I know, if she has BPD she has skewed perceptions.

I'm not sure what I want now. We are not life long friends who need to work things out as soon as possible. She was a date turned friend.

But I care about her. I think I can see beyond her volatile moods and outbursts that there is a sweet, intelligent and kind person under there.

I feel now that the best thing to do is disengage for a while.  I honestly don't want to say anything else to make her so upset again. And it's also for me... I feel I couldn't handle more aggressive texts like that any time soon.  It is still stressing me out.

So I am thinking of reiterating to her that I think it's best for us to not talk right now... but I care about her and don't want her to be upset like that.

[Diana82]

do you think she might misinterpret this text reply? and take it as a huge rejection?  (even though she rejected me and deleted me?) 

Hey. Well, I think it's best for now. I don't understand where your hurt is coming from, but I do care about you and don't want you to get upset again like that.  It was also distressing for me to be on the receiving end.

[eyvindr]

Hi ZaraP --

Sorry you're going through this.

If she has BPD, it's fairly impossible to predict how she will respond to something you say or write -- in fact, she might not respond at all.

Allow me to welcome you to the bpdfamily. Your presence here in itself is a sign that you're thinking clearly -- you wouldn't be here if you hadn't already taken the initiative to try to figure out what may be going on with your relationship, and how you can better handle this person in your life who you care about but whose behaviors are confusing and at times even hurting you. I know you will find many here who will be willing to listen, as well as be supportive and open with their own experiences. There is a lot of humanity in these boards... .you've found a good place.

From your intro, it sounds like you suspect that your ex may be suffering from BPD. Personality disorders like BPD aren't easy to diagnose, even by professionals (which I am not). Many symptoms of BPD are shared with other types of mood disorders, like bipolar -- and, if it is BP or BPD, they are illnesses that tend to be comorbid with a lot of others. As you learn about it, it's easy to feel overwhelmed at times. You can learn more about what BPD looks like here: What are the Symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder?  Sometimes, watching this video -- Video-What is Borderline Personality Disorder? -- can be informative, too.

There is also a wealth of information in the Learning Center, here: Questions about BPD and BPD Resources

Since you're new, review this page to become familiar with how these discussion boards are set up.

Now that you've introduced yourself and shared a little background, we typically would encourage you to move your posts to a discussion board that most reflects your current state of mind on the r-ship. Most of us find that the specific nature of our BPD r/s leads us to spend most of our time on one or two boards -- and we find other members there in similar situations, which usually results in more helpful feedback and support. After you've found the best board for you, when you're ready, feel free to start your own "thread" by posting more of your story, asking questions and responding to posts made by other members. In your case, you seem to have skipped a step and possibly found your way already to the appropriate board for you now, which is this one -- fondly known around here as the "Staying Board."

You can always change boards when you feel that it is appropriate. Some other things that may be helpful to you:

Video-Tools to Reduce Conflict with a person suffering from BPD

The Do's and Don'ts for a BP relationship

I just wanted to reiterate Clearmind's question -- you need to clearly determine what you want, and don't want, from your friendship with her. And accept that what you want may not be possible -- or may be possible, but on terms you never imagined. Not judging -- not bad or good -- just different. They are different.

How are you doing? Do you have a therapist of your own who you can see? How about family and friends? Do you have a social support network you can lean on?

Hang in there,

eyvindr

[Clearmind]

Calm now because she threw all her feelings onto you. You are now the one reeling!

What she said would sting – of course! Her handling of this on FB is also very passive aggressive. Dealing with PA people honestly is the hardest thing because we never feel heard and they just shutdown.

BPD’s are very impulsive. Emotions are impulsive. Hobbies are impulsive. What she felt one minute ago can change in an instant. If she has long (few weeks) periods of depression followed by high highs then it’s more likely not BPD.

I could also see past my ex’s volatile moods – but I could not live with it long term. If you receive aggressive text – don’t reply. If she yells at you on the phone – “X, I will not be yelled at/accused/blamed – if you do not stop I will hang up”. Good boundaries.

In any case she is who she is in its entirety – she is that sweet person and that person that can be mean. She needs to self soothe on her own.

There are two in this relationship Zara - her and you! Maybe Zara, look at your own reasons for wanting to rescue/save her from her feelings – she is an adult and needs to learn to save herself.

[Diana82]

Thanks clearmind. That made a lot of sense...

She did this while we were dating too. Once she'd had some fight with a friend and suddenly she messaged me saying  "I'd get out if I were you. I'd stop hanging around me... I'm sad all the time and I oscillate between manic and mediocre. I don't think I can date anyone or even casually date!"   It came out of nowhere. And then literally within 1.5 hours she changed and I think she had a joint.

I said I'd leave her alone. And she didn't like that and said "that sounded serious. I understand if you don't want to be around me right now... but I will be sad. I'll give you some space then"   

And I was thinking HUH? she said SHE doesn't think she can date anyone.  Her mood changed so fast and she apologised for taking out her 'drama with her friend' on me.


So I suppose... this is nothing new. Except this time, she grossly misinterpreted my apology, accused me of calling her bipolar and a junkie and seems a bit delusional that I said this often to her.

Do BPDs tend to misinterpret things like apologies? they just see nastiness?   I am a sincere person who would never fake an apology on the phone. But all she saw was nastiness. And bang bang bang she went off at me.

[Diana82]

thanks eyvindr 

[Diana82]

yes she is passive aggressive. She's always been upset with me-over text or facebook. She told me once she hates confrontation and talking on the phone.

In person, you wouldn't believe she would lash out. She is sweet and seems very kind. 

I had called her while she was having this meltdown over text with me and left a message almost shaking saying I was confused... never meant to hurt her and there was nothing sinister behind my call. And I said something like "With all of my friends... if there is ever an issue- we work it out like adults. I think we should try to be peaceful and not be on bad terms if it's possible"

and she did ring me (after she said she felt devastated).  But I made the decision I didn't want to speak on the phone anymore... not sure why.  I suppose I just feel scared and also upset.

I prefer to just tell her we should take time out for now.  I think the only way we can be friends, is if she is honest about what is going on with her moods. If she tells me more about her 'mental issues' that she once told me about... I could then understand and not take things personally.

[eyvindr]

You're welcome, ZaraP.

And, yes -- if they are masters of anything, it's of misinterpretation!   

Do BPDs tend to misinterpret things like apologies? they just see nastiness?   I am a sincere person who would never fake an apology on the phone. But all she saw was nastiness. And bang bang bang she went off at me.

In all seriousness, though -- more accurately, I don't think they misinterpret things so much as they actually interpret things in a way that "fits" into whatever current script they're adhering to. For example, once in my r-ship with my uBPDxgf -- she worked hard at a pretty boring job (very underemployed, given her level of intelligence and potential -- but she couldn't deal with people, so stayed at a level where she basically could work on her own all day) where she didn't make much money. But, her company was pretty generous, and they usually doled out very generous holiday bonuses (we're talking into the tens of thousands some years!). She struggled to make ends meet, and always said she never spent more than $20 on a single item of clothing -- and often shopped in juniors sections to get even better deals. So, one year, she asked me what I thought she should do with her bonus, and I just suggested that she treat herself by going to a nice store and picking out some things she really liked from a petite section! I thought  it was something she'd really enjoy, a nice idea!

She turned on a dime. Went from having a nice phone conversation to her accusing me of criticizing her fashion sense and making her feel like I didn't appreciate the time and effort she put into trying to always look attractive for me! Wouldn't give me any credit for what it actually was -- an attempt by me to share in her happiness over getting a bonus and simply suggesting that she use some of it to do something nice for herself! There wasn't a nasty molecule in the whole thing!

But her BPD found a way to make some.

Hang in there.

e.

[Clearmind]

Feelings = facts. If she feels terrible then the facts presented are terrible. And Borderlines can and do change the facts to match their feelings - which is the reason why the reality is skewed.

My ex made me a coffee. It was slightly cold so asked him to microwave it a bit. He basically flew into a rage and blamed himself and me for making him feel awful/failure. Fact was the coffee was cold. Emotions over rode any rationale and all his feelings took over. Simple example however worth explaining.

[Diana82]

Wow ok... so I am starting to think she really is Borderline.  I believe she is aware of her own issues as she told me she has "mental issues".  But she never specified what she has or what she was doing to manage it... I don't even think she's seen a shrink.

The other thing I thought was it might be due to prolonged drug use. She told me she used to take speed daily and also regularly did pills and cocaine.

These days she claims she only does the odd joint... but I am skeptical. Could it possible she is taking drugs to soothe her BPD symptoms?

[Diana82]

And yes, even though I kept asking her to give me examples of how I had been 'terrible' to her or insulted her- she diverted the conversation.  She just couldn't give me any examples. All she kept saying was that I made her feel terrible and 'diss her' and thrown random insults at her every few weeks, 

I should add... that I have a silly sense of humour sometimes. And recently she put up a photo of herself as a kid on facebook. I told her she was cute when young and also a bit lanky and it was funny. Then she said "Now I am just short"  and I said "hehe. But you have a few brain cells left I thought!"  (obviously a joke as she is very intelligent).

She said "You say strange things to me!"

So i think she is referring to my playful jokes being 'insults' to her. I do know she has always been very sensitive since I met her.

[Diana82]

Sorry for all the questions but the other thing is... .she avoided me before I went overseas for 2 weeks. This was post our fight.

She suddenly flaked and kept saying she was really stressed out at work and couldn't see me. But then once when I texted her and she told me she was sitting in the sun having a drink with an old friend!  Yet, she couldn't see me for an hour at least before I went away! 

I was offended. She went from texting me daily and wanting to see me... to total flake. And she was never clear if we were going to hang out together again even as casuals. So I assumed it was over.

So when I got back home and she said she misses me... it was a surprise. I thought- hang on... is she playing me? 

And when I asked her why she avoided me before I left... it was as if she had no idea what I was talking about. She said it was a crazy time and that she had a friend's anniversary on. Except... .that was one day.

Is it possible, that BPDs avoid people and push them away... .but then act like it never happened later? or that you're making a big deal about nothing if they do this?

She even said to me "It's normal to miss someone you haven't seen for ages!"  and I said "yes it is. But you avoided me?" 

[hellokitty4]

I can so relate to your situation Zara. I have been going through the same thing with my friend. In reading your post, it was like reading my life in the last 3 years. Anything I say or do is not good enough. I feel like I am dealing with a young child.  Unfortunately, I am the only one who see this side of her. And so to others who both know us, they think I'm the nutcase because she has such a glowing outward personality.  If only people knew... .

Recently I got raged on for getting an iPhone because in her words "I copy everything she does." A 38 yr old woman is concerned about this? She projected her irritation with her other friend who got an iPhone with her because she would have rather gone to get it with me.  The following day she was visibly upset and worried that I would leave our friendship.  She's hot and cold. Pull and push and after a while I get too confused.  I even worry that I triggered something even when I haven't done anything.

I give her space and let her know I am here whenever she needs me.  I love her dearly but any sign of closeness is dangerous.

Hang in there

[Diana82]

Hi Hellokitty... well that sure would be draining!

It's a bit odd because she has deleted me from Facebook... .yet is confirming that I want to "leave things be for a while".

It's strange and it does feel like she might not want me to leave her alone or abandon the friendship now.

But I need to leave her be- for my own sake really. And who knows... maybe we will cross paths later or I will move on from her.  But right now, it feels like her moods are worse than ever.

I know you can't predict what a BPD might say or how they will react... but do you think the below sounds harsh at all?  (if I send this text).

She asked me "Hi, so am I right in understanding you just want to leave things be for a while?"

"Hey. Well, yes for now. It was also pretty stressful for me to be on the receiving end of your messages. But I do care about you and don't want you to be upset like this again.  I hope you enjoy your weekend"

[Diana82]

UPDATE:

So i texted her an hour ago saying i think for now we leave it be and that it was stressful to receive the messages but I do care and don't want her to be sad.

She replied saying:

I agree. I'm destroyed after the past week. I'm not thick-skinned enough to deal with your messages either. Im sorry for my part-I really didn't mean to hurt you. Take care of yourself x


":)estroyed"? I'm astounded. I don't understand how she can be destroyed! I did nothing. I apologised. And it has destroyed her... .

I am lost for words. I just feel worse. I want to tell her that makes me sad that she feels that way. But I don't know... .So lost... :'(

[eyvindr]

I'm sorry, Zara. It's clear form your posts that you really do care for her and you're struggling with this.   

She replied saying:

I agree. I'm destroyed after the past week. I'm not thick-skinned enough to deal with your messages either. Im sorry for my part-I really didn't mean to hurt you. Take care of yourself x

":)estroyed"? I'm astounded. I don't understand how she can be destroyed! I did nothing. I apologised. And it has destroyed her... .

I am lost for words. I just feel worse. I want to tell her that makes me sad that she feels that way. But I don't know... .So lost... :'(

Her response is a clear example of what I meant when I posted that it's close to impossible to accurately predict how a pwBPD (if she has it) will respond to something you say or write. Of course, I only know your side of the story -- but based on what you've shared, I can totally see why her post would confuse, frustrate and upset you. I can't see anything that you've said or done that would warrant being described so extremely.

This may help -- mine is a huge drama queen, especially when triggered. Yours?... .

[Clearmind]

Zara remind yourself that BPD is an emotional disorder - her emotions will always far outstrip what you would consider rational. Think of how you feel in any given moment and times it by 100 - thats why the words destroyed seems fitting for how she feels herself.

She is not blaming you. She blames herself yet casts its your way to make her feel better. Please don't take her stuff onboard. Let her own it because its not yours to own.

[Diana82]

Hi everyone

Well, last night I wanted to reply and say "your emotions seem volatile and this has been very confusing for me"... but then I thought hang on-- she might then flip out and accuse me of calling her a schizophrenic! 

anything slightly negative I say will make her explode again.

So I ended up replying to her and said ":)estroyed?   this makes me quite sad. I'm sending a virtual hug your way."  and then "I'm not sure where your hurt comes from but I hope you can find some peace and have a nice Friday "

And she said: "Thanks for my hug. I am really sorry I reacted, I know you didn't mean to attack me you just have a knack for finding my insecurities! Hope you have a lovely day too"


"I know you didn't mean to attack me?"  ugh!   it's like she is talking about herself. She attacked me. I apologised over the phone and she went off at me with abusive texts.

I think it's best I not reply... and keep to my initial idea of leaving her alone for a while

[Clearmind]

Zara, the text exchanges are not working. You are wanting her to be civil and she is not capable. We need to change our expectations when it comes to someone who is not well. If you persist with these circular arguments and texts it will be invalidating for you.

Step back my friend - neither of you are wrong or right - its a difference in emotional capability and perception of events - you cannot change the way she thinks and feels - its hers to own.

[Diana82]

eyvindr >  drama queen is almost an understatement. The use of the phrases "I'm devastated I upset you"  and "I'm destroyed" are quite over the top (to me).

The thing is... .when I asked her a couple of weeks ago why she had avoided me 2 months ago and now says she misses me-  she told me "this is so melodramatic. I think you like a bit of drama!"

and I was thinking... ok... perhaps I sometimes tend to analyse things a bit too much (my weakness) but my question was valid. I don't think it was being melodramatic to ask that when she seemed to have disappeared on me.

A lot of the time I feel she is talking about herself. Especially as she told me this morning 'I know you didn't mean to attack me".  It's quite infuriating!

[Diana82]

well it sounds like she wants to be civil and keeps saying she never meant to upset me. But then throws in strange comments. Sometimes I feel like she is trying to get attention... she probably knew that saying 'I'm destroyed" will evoke a reaction in me. As she knows I care about her and still like her.

But yes, her perceptions are completely different.   I can't understand how an apology can destroy someone or make them lash out... .but that's because I am not her. And I know I can't change her view of things.

I also can't change the fact that she thinks I called her a 'bipolar junkie'.   

I think this is the most awful thing for me... she still has not mentioned this or agreed that she accused me of something I never said. And that she said that to ME... as a joke that I repeated. 

Do BPDs ever admit to twisting your words? Lets say, I showed her the message I sent her repeating her joke that clearly shows I did not call her a bipolar junkie. Would she still twist it then?

[eyvindr]

ZaraP --

My heart goes out to you. You're trying so hard... .but I think DreamGirl is right. Sounds like you're still trying to make sense out of the senseless.

I think this is the most awful thing for me... she still has not mentioned this or agreed that she accused me of something I never said. And that she said that to ME... as a joke that I repeated. 

Do BPDs ever admit to twisting your words? Lets say, I showed her the message I sent her repeating her joke that clearly shows I did not call her a bipolar junkie. Would she still twist it then?

Like you, I too got sucked into a mind-bending vortex of negative unproductive discussions/debates/arguments/battles via txtng with my ex. We'd even AGREE following the hurt and apologies post-argument that txtng was a HUGE problem, didn't facilitate communications between us, and pretty much ALWAYS made things worse! But, as soon as we'd strike that bargain, she'd be txtng away again, and if I tried to remind her, she'd reprimand me along the lines of, "No -- not right now. This is important, and you need to respond to me right now. You can't ignore me. That's not right, eyvindr -- people don't just ignore each other like this. You need to respond to me RIGHT NOW!" Horribly frustrating. I'd be left with absolutely no recourse except to turn off my phone. Which she promptly labeled as "emotional abuse."

To your question -- well, I tried to show her her own txts, emails, etc. On a number of occasions. Didn't matter -- when she was dysregulated, it didn't matter what she wrote. Everything could be explained by either:

• People say mean things that they don't mean when they're angry.

  
  




• Oh, c'mon! -- I was just joking! You can't be serious!

  
  




• Don't try to change the subject. You're trying to blame me for this.

  
  




• I only said that because you were being rude and ignoring me.

  
  




• I have the right to express my feelings.

  
  

So, no. I wouldn't bother. Unless you're brave, tough-skinned and curious to see how she'd respond.

 Hang in there.

e.

[Diana82]

Thanks so much for your messages. It makes me feel better that people can relate.

But then, I'm only assuming she has BPD.

Can I ask, did your BPD friend/ex avoid or flake on you suddenly and then act like it never happened and that you overreacted?

I'm just astounded she said she misses me after it was obvious she avoided me for weeks. And kept saying she was busy.

It feels like she's messing with my emotions. That's why I asked her why she avoided me but she went off at me.

[Diana82]

I guess I was expecting her to say "I'm sorry u feel that way but we had a fight and I needed space. I just couldn't face u then. But I miss you"

Instead she said "it's perfectly normal to miss someone you haven't seen for ages. I do miss you". And "you seem to always want to put labels on things and put them into neat tidy boxes". I took that to me, you and I were casual and I can come and go!

[Diana82]

Hi clearmind.  I agree I need to step back and that was my suggestion to leave it be for a while.

She's being so apologetic... but at the same time quite cutting and blaming me. 

I don't quite know what we are now. Are we friends giving each other space? Are we ex lovers who are doing no contact? 

I don't know how she has normal friendships with anyone like this.  I can now understand why her ex and her were on and off again for years...

Interestingly, she kept trash talking her ex when I dated her. II heard all about how the ex hurt her on many levels and degraded her. But then she'd see her a couple days later for lunch! And was wanting to be friends with her.

[Diana82]

A psych student friend of mine definitely talked to me about this last night. And told me that the fact I trigger her insecurities, means that she has feelings for me.

If I meant nothing to her, she wouldn't care what I said. It would have no meaning. But I can only hurt her or bring out her insecurities-because she feels something for me.

Whether that be friendship or romantic feelings.

Interesting... do you agree?

I'm not looking for reassurance here. I just am struggling to understand why she seems so aloof sometimes and doesn't want to "put a label" on us... .yet my comments affect her this much that she feels 'destroyed'.

[Diana82]

I'm interested to hear your thoughts on her saying "you just have a knack for finding my insecurities!"

I sometimes think she has a lot of insight into her own behaviour.

Once while we were dating, she had admitted she is "damaged goods". And I asked her what her insecurities were so I can be aware of them and she said "how long have you got?  It's a long list"


Could it be that I am her trigger because we were dating and in an intimate (short) relationship? 

Do you think she has some feelings still for me and that's why I have the capacity to trigger her or affect her this way?  I haven't seen her for almost 3 months.

I thought BPDs can only be hurt by people they love or people they feel something for. I have no idea if she ever had love feelings for me... but I do know she liked me and missed me. And only 2 weeks ago she expressed she missed me.