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Things we can't afford to ignore
Depression: Stop Being Tortured by Your Own Thoughts
Surviving a Break-up when Your Partner has BPD
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Author Topic: How is this situation for my GOOD?  (Read 525 times)
Discovery
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« on: November 13, 2013, 05:10:13 PM »

To help me DEPROGRAM and stop obsessing about the "good" things, I started a list [some items below] in my journal of what's GOOD about the fact that I'm not with him now... .and that it happened NOW and not later (even though the end was so unexpected and wrenching).  Anyone else want to share theirs?

How is this situation for my GOOD? It's good because... .

It's excruciating and unexpected, but probably better than an even longer, drawn-out process leading to the same result... .

How is this situation for my GOOD? It's good because... .

1.  I've discovered that X is unwell, mentally/emotionally disordered BEFORE I moved in with him permanently and wasted any more of my life in a hopeless no-win r/s.

2. I don't have to experience what it will be like living p-t with his 3 kids ... .and experience the stress of that for the next 8 years [till they're all adults]. I will not have to be around those kids in their teen years... .likely not going to be easy - those kids have two unconscious parents and a lot of emotional baggage that's going to show up.

3.  I don't have to experience any more unpredictable rage attacks.

4.  I don't have to carry the emotional well-being of an entire r/s by myself anymore.

5.  I no longer will experience anxiety/distress b/c of a partner who uses passive-aggression and withdrawing as emotional coping mechanisms.

6.  I will no longer be frustrated trying to have dialogue or reason with a person who gets stuck in rigid B/W thinking, leading me to feel powerless to find positive joint solutions to r/s challenges.

7.  I won't feel uncomfortable anymore by his over-the-top "niceness" to people he barely knows which always felt "off" to me

8.  I won't have to accomodate impulsive financial decisions b/c the other person wants something and doesn't want to discuss it

9.  I won't have to be the only one who ever apologizes or admits wrong-doing.

10.  I will no longer have to wonder whether my partner's actions and words are trustworthy or authentic.

11.  I will no longer be blamed for someone elses' unhappiness and resentments.

12.  I will no longer drive myself crazy guessing how my partner is feeling and why they are upset/distancing because they won't tell me.

13.  I will no longer feel like I have to be *perfect* in order for my partner to keep loving me. I will allow myself to be a normal imperfect human being without fear of being cast off when I'm not at my best. 

14. I will no longer have to repress my emotions because my partner can't tolerate them.

15.  I will no longer have to feel bad that I have clear ideas about what I want/don't want in life and in my r/s and that this is somehow a negative quality.

16.  I will no longer be hurt and heart-broken by words which don't line up with actions.

17.  I will no longer have to baby a petulant child who is in a bad mood and needs someone to pull him out of it.

18.  I will no longer be the only one interested in examining myself for the well-being of the r/s.

19.  I will no longer have to deal with manipulative communications, selective use of "listening tools" to listen to only what HE wants to acknowledge, and ignoring the rest.

20.  I will no longer be living OUT OF INTEGRITY to things I value and which are very important to me.

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ShadowDancer
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« Reply #1 on: November 13, 2013, 05:50:44 PM »

I NO LONGER have to disgustedly ignore the furtively whispered cell phone calls, or the hang up calls on the home phone, or the bathroom textings,... .day and night!

For me... .I had to get in  to get out  to get back "IN"  to integrity. Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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Jadam12

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« Reply #2 on: November 13, 2013, 07:17:51 PM »

I won't have to be accused of abandoning her because I wanted to stay at my home one night out of the week.

I wont be responsible for her feeling abandoned because I don't text her multiple times everyday

I can be myself again and won't have to hide any aspect of myself because she doesn't like it.

I can look at the map at a trail head without her getting pissed off, never understood that one.

I won't have to be wondering what I'm going to do that will trigger some emotional upset usually resulting in her say, I don't feel like you love me anymore.

I won't have to put up with another evening of her drinking a 1/3 of a bottle of vodka every night and going to bed a 6pm after taking a Valium.  Then having her not remember anything we talked about.
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Jadam12

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« Reply #3 on: November 13, 2013, 07:26:48 PM »

I wont have her psychoanalyzing me without asking and explaining how troubled I am just because she is getting a second masters in psychotherapy.
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ShadowDancer
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« Reply #4 on: November 13, 2013, 08:38:21 PM »

I wont have her psychoanalyzing me without asking and explaining how troubled I am just because she is getting a second masters in psychotherapy.

Nuttin like a psycho psychotherapist  eh Jadam12? eh? Sheesh  
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Ironmanrises
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #5 on: November 13, 2013, 09:36:31 PM »

I won't have someone flip flopping their feelings for me every few months. I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you(her responses to me saying that to her in idealization) to "I know" or "I know you do" as the response to the above in devaluation. That is how she responded to me in both rounds, exactly the same. To the deafening silence afterwards.

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RecycledNoMore
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 457



« Reply #6 on: November 13, 2013, 09:45:34 PM »

I dont have to walk in the door of my family home and pretend I havent been crying.

I can plan a future for myself and my daughter without ruling out possibilities solely because the uBPDx wouldnt join in

I Can reconnect with old friends

I Can enjoy all the music I love, instead of constant bob marley, no offence bob but yeah

Im free of my phone

I dont have to wear jeans in summer to hide bruises

I dont have to take anymore days off school because my eyes are swollen from crying

I can use words with more than 2 syllables

I can breathe easy

Im learning about myself

I am free

Xxxoo
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Discovery
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« Reply #7 on: November 14, 2013, 12:02:36 AM »

Jadam 12,

Excerpt


I wont have her psychoanalyzing me without asking and explaining how troubled I am just because she is getting a second masters in psychotherapy.



... .wow. Not sure what to say about that. WOW.

and... .

Excerpt


I can look at the map at a trail head without her getting pissed off, never understood that one.



This made me laugh (sorry) because it's SO ABSURD... .and reminded me of an incident at a bus stop over reading the bus schedule (ugly) and him freaking out and having a mini-rage because I didn't believe him that some item was in a certain aisle at a drugstore. What the heck? Thankful I don't have to deal with that anymore.

recyclednomore,

Excerpt


I dont have to wear jeans in summer to hide bruises.



I am SO GLAD for you that you do not have to do that again. EVER.

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