How to deal with Baiting in NC?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

So I've been in NC for 5 weeks after ending our r/s in June.

My story is similar to everyone's here, I'm sure. Cheating, Lying, dissociation, ex's inability to understand that her actions were bad in the slightest, etc.

From what I can see, things with my exBPDgf and my replacement are going amazingly great and the last thing she said to me was we shouldn't speak for a year and I agreed.

Week 3 I get a text. I ignore it.

Week 4 I get a text telling me "I'm proud of you for [new project she found out about], friend." She's not my friend and never treated me like one. I ignore it.

Week 5 I get a text congratulating me on graduating from school. I ignore it.

Most recent text "Will you keep my [gift I made for her last summer] for me until we are friends again?" What part of a year didn't she understand?

I really don't want to break no contact, but I don't want this gift back, and I know she's just baiting me to contact her. Any advice on how to keep her away?

My T says I should send her a friendly note essentially saying we tried and it didn't work, and we should go down our own paths now, with no intention of re-engaging in any capacity, but I get the feeling this won't work. Thoughts?

[peterparker]

So I've been in NC for 5 weeks after ending our r/s in June.

My story is similar to everyone's here, I'm sure. Cheating, Lying, dissociation, ex's inability to understand that her actions were bad in the slightest, etc.

From what I can see, things with my exBPDgf and my replacement are going amazingly great and the last thing she said to me was we shouldn't speak for a year and I agreed.

Week 3 I get a text. I ignore it.

Week 4 I get a text telling me "I'm proud of you for [new project she found out about], friend." She's not my friend and never treated me like one. I ignore it.

Week 5 I get a text congratulating me on graduating from school. I ignore it.

Most recent text "Will you keep my [gift I made for her last summer] for me until we are friends again?" What part of a year didn't she understand?

I really don't want to break no contact, but I don't want this gift back, and I know she's just baiting me to contact her. Any advice on how to keep her away?

My T says I should send her a friendly note essentially saying we tried and it didn't work, and we should go down our own paths now, with no intention of re-engaging in any capacity, but I get the feeling this won't work. Thoughts?

[RecycledNoMore]

Block her ___ from everything, phone, email, fb the whole shamozzle, and dont look back.

[LA4610]

recycled no more makes the best point. do that man. figure out what it is you have to do block her number and everything else she can contact you on. you are doing a good job not responding.

i am telling you, responding in any way isn't even worth it. i work with my ex and her constant pull behavior, texts, etc... .are driving me nuts. get away from this girl.

[strikeforce]

Block her. Simple if you can do that or change your number.

The longer she texts you the higher the chance you might reply and then the nightmare begins again.

I had the exact same problem, I am gone forever she said - only to start texting some days later.

Things aren't going great with her new guy, hence the reason for the texts. She would have done the same to you at the beginning when you started dating her.

What I done was a simple short text saying that I was moving on and was deleting her number. It seems to have worked for me so far.

[LA4610]

you say you just graduated school... .i am assuming you are in you early twenties. dude, block that sick girl and go have fun with your friends. find someone, anyone new. it shouldn't be hard.

[GlennT]

They are masters at push-pull or go away until I need you back. Everytime you pull away, the manipulation will start. Mine would say,"you're a quitter." Sound like guilt-bait? She'd pound out those texts, call, knock on my door, etc., until I let her back in, then once she got in, she'd pull away again. Just remember, after they hook you, you are their SUPPLY only.They want it all their way, which is the way of the lost child. The only way to deal with their rat poison bait, is to NC before you get brain damage. Golden Rule=NC  

[peterparker]

Thanks everyone. I figured just entrenching myself in NC is the thing to do.

I am worried that she'll show up to my door - my T made a bet with me that this would happen in the next month, but I have a plan.

So typically they'll start re-engaging only when the cracks start to show in the new r/s?

[strikeforce]

Thanks everyone. I figured just entrenching myself in NC is the thing to do.

I am worried that she'll show up to my door - my T made a bet with me that this would happen in the next month, but I have a plan.

So typically they'll start re-engaging only when the cracks start to show in the new r/s?

Don't see NC as entrenchment, see it as freedom and mobility.

A relationship with a BPD is entrenchment with no hope of victory, a bitter stalemate that never ends.

I am wondering how my BPD will try to re-engage me in the future. I try not to let it dominate my thinking. For now she's gone.

But yes, its very likely that once the new relationship hits a rough patch (i.e. them getting close) then expect a text.

[peterparker]

@strikeforce - Interesting. Thank you.

By entrenchment, I guess I was picturing myself digging in, battening down the hatches,  and staying in NC - in no way do I want to go back to feeling limited like I did in the relationship.

NC is hard on a few levels. The nonBPD part of me says 'you should be respectful to this person who is messaging you', because that's how I'd treat probably every other person on the planet. Then I have to remember how she got so angry that her exH whom she cheated on and lied to didn't respond to her, or another man who picked up on her behavior and refused to hang out with her. Both of these times, she would complain to me that they wouldn't respond and in both instances I always took their side, so at least I was able to stand my ground and understand why NC is necessary, which it is to stay healthy.

[Clearmind]

My T says I should send her a friendly note essentially saying we tried and it didn't work, and we should go down our own paths now

Be mindful that you cannot control the actions of another - so if you do not wish to be contacted - block - you are then taking charge.

[MammaMia]

Peter

I doubt that contacting your exBPDgf in any shape, manner, or form would be healthy. In all likelihood, it would open the floodgates.

It is likewise unhealthy for you to read or listen to her messages without responding.  She is pushing your buttons.   

The only way to stop it is total NC.  YOU need to enforce your desire to have nothing to do with her.  She does not get the message.  Have you been recycled before?  That may explain her persistence.  Do not give in.  You do NOT need to be nice to her or consider her feelings because she WILL misinterpret what you are saying.

Block her.

[anystar]

NC is hard on a few levels. The nonBPD part of me says 'you should be respectful to this person who is messaging you', because that's how I'd treat probably every other person on the planet.

I so relate to this! it's a weird and unnatural sensation to resist replying, especially to contact that doesn't APPEAR dangerous. my uBPDxbf is very gifted at masking his manipulation so to an uninformed observer, his emails/texts come across as an honestly decent guy just trying to reach out. but mammamia says it best: "You do NOT need to be nice to her or consider her feelings because she WILL misinterpret what you are saying."

I ended my r/s in august and have been mostly ignoring my ex since then, but the few times I have answered brought on a barrage of crazy. it's hard to mourn the fact we can't even be friends with these people who we once valued ultimately, this board/my therapist have finally gotten me to commit to NC.

you say you just graduated school... .i am assuming you are in you early twenties. dude, block that sick girl and go have fun with your friends. find someone, anyone new. it shouldn't be hard.

-- SECONDED.

good luck!

[peterparker]

you say you just graduated school... .i am assuming you are in you early twenties. dude, block that sick girl and go have fun with your friends. find someone, anyone new. it shouldn't be hard.

I'm actually in my mid thirties and just finished my second graduate degree, but yes, same applies!

I so relate to this! it's a weird and unnatural sensation to resist replying, especially to contact that doesn't APPEAR dangerous. my uBPDxbf is very gifted at masking his manipulation so to an uninformed observer, his emails/texts come across as an honestly decent guy just trying to reach out. but mammamia says it best: "You do NOT need to be nice to her or consider her feelings because she WILL misinterpret what you are saying."

I ended my r/s in august and have been mostly ignoring my ex since then, but the few times I have answered brought on a barrage of crazy. it's hard to mourn the fact we can't even be friends with these people who we once valued ultimately, this board/my therapist have finally gotten me to commit to NC.

Way to go anystar! In bold - my ex would always reach out to people who didn't want to talk to her for the things she'd done and call it an "olive branch. They were nice words when I read them, but she obviously didn't understand she had done anything wrong to be cut off by these people so she'd get really angry when they didn't reply.

As far as what mammamia said, will she take my just saying goodbye as an in to recycle maybe?

[MammaMia]

Peter

Yes, she will.

[strikeforce]

Any form of communication, and I mean ANY, will be seen as a way back to a BPD.

[Tricky]

Peterparker. It's simple, it's hard, it's like kicking an addiction, it's No Contact. Strict NC. Avoid any information about her. Block her on every device. Don't allow yourself to be manipulated. Batten down the hatches, indeed!

Good luck, whatever way you decide to go on this.

[peterparker]

I decide to go the only obvious and healthy way forward.

Thank you all.

[Ironmanrises]

Any form of communication, and I mean ANY, will be seen as a way back to a BPD.

I agree with Strike.

[bruisedbattered]

Dont let her suck you back into her vortex of misery!   If you see the tornado approaching, do you run outside to play in the rain or run for shelter?   Stay NC.

[Mutt]

Sorry for the drive-by post.

The only way to deal with their rat poison bait, is to NC before you get brain damage. Golden Rule=NC  

I   at this. Good description.

But yes, its very likely that once the new relationship hits a rough patch (i.e. them getting close) then expect a text.

Such an oxymoron for a non. Intimacy = rough patch.