New here, looking for guidance on helping without enabling

[NancyDrew]

Hello all,

I have suspected for some time that my now adult daughter (19) has BPD.  After trying every counselor, therapist, psychiatrist, in-patient/out-patient program, med combinations and even equine therapy! and finding no improvement, we moved our daughter out of our home two months ago at our expense to 1) save our car insurance - they were going to cancel us because of her revoked license (underage DUI) and 2) to save our marriage and our sanity.  She  was difficult from a very early age, but went completely off the rails in middle school.  Now that she is on her own, sort of, I am concerned that she is unable to care for herself.  She is running out of money, has no job and is probably not looking although she says she is looking but no one will hire her.  It is possible that no one will hire her.  She has been fired from every job she's ever had.  She is supposed to be completing court-ordered community service associated with the DUI conviction, but she hasn't even started and it needs to be completed by 12/1.  I imagine the judge will reinstate her jail sentence, but this does not seem to motivate her. 

Her appearance has changed drastically.  She used to put a lot of effort into her appearance - dressing up, doing her hair and makeup - but now she does doesn't even bathe.  She has developed a skin condition - I feel it's caused by a combination of stress, poor hygiene and poor diet/lack of exercise, but she keeps going to the dermatologist and getting new medications that never seem to work.

I am learning that I cannot fix her and that fixing her is not my job.  I have made a valiant effort to provide her with every opportunity to get help, but she never cooperates with treatment and we end up at square one or worse.

I would be grateful for any guidance on how to help without enabling.  Also, I would like to know how to gauge if she is capable of caring for herself or if she is just playing me.  She has access to the city bus for transportation, but every time she rides it I get a screaming crying phone call that she's lost and doesn't know where to get off or where to go after she gets off.  I am taking good care of myself by meditating, exercising, eating well, getting regular massage and confiding in my husband and friends. It is still very hard to see her in such pain and feel helpless to make it better.

I met with her new counselor last night and she feels that BPD is the correct diagnosis coupled with a possible learning disorder.  Any insight is greatly appreciated.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, NancyDrew & 

First thing, I want you to know that you are not alone; there are so many parents on this site who know exactly what you are going through that you wouldn't even believe it! Although my child is an adult son (36), your story really connects... .Before his BPD diagnosis in March/April of 2013 and subsequent treatment, most of what you are saying was his story, too (if you want to read it, check out the blue link at the bottom of this post, in my signature line). I would like to let you know that there is hope... .

Here is a link to some information that can help you right away: What can a parent do?. On the Parenting a son or daughter suffering from BPD board there are many links to the right-hand side margin that can help you understand BPD, and how your daughter's mind works, and what you can do to make things better.

You ask: "I would be grateful for any guidance on how to help without enabling." Here's some information to help you with that:

SELF-AWARE: Are you supporting or enabling?

I know that everything feels hopeless and confusing and frustrating right now, and you have anger and annoyance at your daughter, too. We've all been there, NancyDrew, and here's a link to help with that: Parents’ “Bill of Rights”. There are things we can do to find that light at the end of the tunnel when we have a BPD child; things really can get better... .Keep reading all you can on this site, post more of your story and ask more questions; it really will help!   

[Bonus mom]

I can hear the struggle that you are experiencing behind the questions that you posed.  There are some very good resources that you can find through the site, and also other sites, related to enabling versus helping. 

There are far better qualified people on this site to speak about specific help for your daughter than me, so the advice I am going to offer you now is solely for you and your husband's well-being.

Your questions about what you should or shouldn't do for your daughter are completely normal, and I'm sure many, if not all of us, have asked ourselves the same things.  My own d17 was diagnosed almost two years ago. I have struggled with the chaos of this disorder, my inability to make a difference, my frustrations with a daughter who refuses to help herself, the lack of support from almost everyone in our family... .my story is like so many you will find here.  And I have come to this conclusion: I almost think that learning how to avoid enabling is more important to you as the parent than it is to the child or a person with BPD!  You can make yourself crazy if you enable those with this disorder - they can't stop themselves from taking and taking, if you are willing to give.  And you just end up feeling drained, hurt, used, frustrated!

I have been there!

The hardest, but also ultimately the easiest, truth I have had to learn on this journey is the concept of "radical acceptance." You'll see references to this all over the site and throughout the web. If you can, and you're feeling emotionally well enough, try to start looking into the thoughts behind radical acceptance.  This is why:

There seem to be patterns with the parents who post on the site, and what I've noticed is that there are distinct stages we all face when we come to the site and ask for help.  This is only my opinion, but I have noticed that the parents who are struggling with wanting to help but also wanting to know where to draw the line, are often the parents who are still trying to change the situation and hopefully affect the outcome.  This is not a criticism of those parents, just an observation.  Again, I was one of them.

And this is where I have found radical acceptance to be helpful.  Once I stopped trying to change things, I was better able to see the situation for what it is.  I have personally found a great deal of peace and acceptance, because I am trying to mindfully practice radical acceptance. So I share this thought with you with only good wishes.  If it can bring you even a little bit of peace, that would be a good thing!

[NancyDrew]

Thank you for your post.  I have been working on accepting that it is not my job to fix her (even if I could!).  I will definitely get more information on radical acceptance.

Thank you again.

[Kate4queen]

it's very hard to stop helping/enabling because as a parent you are locked into the cycle of feeling you have to love your child unconditionally and the fear that if you don't give them what they need that they will hurt themselves or fail or… I'm sure you know this feeling.

We too moved our son (22) out of our house, well he walked out but it was actually a good thing for us all. He lives with his brother of 20 on our dime and has done so for a year.

I offered to pay for him to finish community college and he asked instead to attend online law school at $350 an hour. I restated my offer, he raged at me through email. I stopped reading his emails.

For us its been baby steps of gradually letting go and turning things around and back to him. So 'my car's broken FIX IT NOW!" is now "oh dear, that must be difficult for you, how are you going to budget for that out of your weekly money?'

Gradually letting go of the fear and placing responsibility where it should be, with the BPD person. No, he doesn't like it but over the last year the cries for help have lessened, he's not doing anything terribly productive but at least he has a roof over his head and isn't addicted to pain killers etc etc.

In 6 months time that monthly income from us will also go. He already knows this.

We're ready for the reaction.

But it's not as bad as it was a year ago when he was in our house and physically raging in our faces.

We discuss every issue with each other (my DH and I) and if one of us can't manage to accept a step the other wants, we talk it out honestly and maybe do a little bit less or more. We both have to live with these decisions and the guilt of having to take them.

I'm not sure if this helps. I just wanted to say that there are practical small ways you can begin to step back and take control of your life again. Theory is awesome but sometimes having to live with a situation takes real life examples as well.